Am I wrong to be miffed, birthday gift, update pg 7

[rose red]

No, I don't think anybody is being evil.  But it's very (very) easy to forget the easier child.  I just don't think a family gift is the way to go.  Better to give the 3 year old an individual gift that's the right size for her.  Believe me, she will remember the few things she got that's not given to her sister first, and who she can confide in when she's older.  You can love and understand your family and the things they do, but still get hurt from their actions.  I'm talking from experience.

[artk2002]

Maybe I missed it, but I did not get the sense there is some diabolical scheme to favor the five year old over the three year old.  I get the sense the inlaws are doing the best they can in a rough situation.  The five year old happens to be older.  I think rather than painting the five year old as an awful child or the inlaws as somehow shafting the three year old it would be better to focus on being supportive to the entire family.  I am still not convinced that the situation was handled atrociously by the inlaws - we don't know their entire interactions with the girls - but regardless, I don't get the sense they are intentionally shafting the three year old.  I don't think it does any good to make assumptions along those lines.

Intent doesn't matter, especially when you're talking about young children. Only results. The apparent result is that the younger child was deprived of a gift in favor of the older child.

[Idlewildstudios]

I don't think it's an evil plan to deny the 3yo gifts, but I do think they are being short-sighted and taking the road of least resistance.  Which I understand, they are trying to cope in a really hard situation.  The problem is they are using the easiest solution, which is going to cause them serious problems in the long run if things don't change.

OP here... This is it right here.  The whole situation is exhausting and very sticky.  It youngest is very reserved and biddable , the oldest is very, very loud and used to getting her way.  The IL's are tired and overwhelmed.  I still don't think it makes it okay to regift a gift like that though.

An experience gift is not an option right now due to non settled custody issues.   Hopefully in the future we can do that though, I love the suggestion a lot!

[shhh its me]

I don't think it's an evil plan to deny the 3yo gifts, but I do think they are being short-sighted and taking the road of least resistance.  Which I understand, they are trying to cope in a really hard situation.  The problem is they are using the easiest solution, which is going to cause them serious problems in the long run if things don't change.

OP here... This is it right here.  The whole situation is exhausting and very sticky.  It youngest is very reserved and biddable , the oldest is very, very loud and used to getting her way.  The IL's are tired and overwhelmed.  I still don't think it makes it okay to regift a gift like that though.

An experience gift is not an option right now due to non settled custody issues.   Hopefully in the future we can do that though, I love the suggestion a lot!

if the grandparents are there can you go with them?  What I'm thinking is going to one of those kid restaurants where the Bday child gets sung too and a cake with sparklers type thing.  IT doesn't just have to be you and only bday child but I think even ice-cream and the bday child gets the the birthday special? or that may be the worse idea ever if older child has a melt down at not getting the special.

[turnip]

I don't think it's an evil plan to deny the 3yo gifts, but I do think they are being short-sighted and taking the road of least resistance.  Which I understand, they are trying to cope in a really hard situation.  The problem is they are using the easiest solution, which is going to cause them serious problems in the long run if things don't change.

OP here... This is it right here.  The whole situation is exhausting and very sticky.  It youngest is very reserved and biddable , the oldest is very, very loud and used to getting her way.  The IL's are tired and overwhelmed.  I still don't think it makes it okay to regift a gift like that though.

An experience gift is not an option right now due to non settled custody issues.   Hopefully in the future we can do that though, I love the suggestion a lot!

I can understand your frustration at your gift being re-gifted - but I will just say that it's hard to judge parents based on a single decision.  I would hate to justify everything I do with _my_ kids to this entire board.  You may be right that the older one is being coddled at the expense of the younger one, but there may also be issues going on that you don't have insight on.

Books make wonderful gifts.  Also at 3 she may not be two young for games which are meant to be shared.  If you really want to get something 'personal' then perhaps you could find something with her name on it?

[weeblewobble]

I don't think it's an evil plan to deny the 3yo gifts, but I do think they are being short-sighted and taking the road of least resistance.  Which I understand, they are trying to cope in a really hard situation.  The problem is they are using the easiest solution, which is going to cause them serious problems in the long run if things don't change.

OP here... This is it right here.  The whole situation is exhausting and very sticky.  It youngest is very reserved and biddable , the oldest is very, very loud and used to getting her way.  The IL's are tired and overwhelmed.  I still don't think it makes it okay to regift a gift like that though.

An experience gift is not an option right now due to non settled custody issues.   Hopefully in the future we can do that though, I love the suggestion a lot!

I can understand your frustration at your gift being re-gifted - but I will just say that it's hard to judge parents based on a single decision.  I would hate to justify everything I do with _my_ kids to this entire board.  You may be right that the older one is being coddled at the expense of the younger one, but there may also be issues going on that you don't have insight on.

Books make wonderful gifts.  Also at 3 she may not be two young for games which are meant to be shared.  If you really want to get something 'personal' then perhaps you could find something with her name on it?

I agree with your point, but feel the need to offend OP's stance.  She noted earlier that this is a trend.  The OP gave the girls pajamas, slightly larger than what they needed, and the oldest got to wear both pairs while the youngest did not get hers until the oldest had outgrown them and was "done" with them.

[turnip]

I don't think it's an evil plan to deny the 3yo gifts, but I do think they are being short-sighted and taking the road of least resistance.  Which I understand, they are trying to cope in a really hard situation.  The problem is they are using the easiest solution, which is going to cause them serious problems in the long run if things don't change.

OP here... This is it right here.  The whole situation is exhausting and very sticky.  It youngest is very reserved and biddable , the oldest is very, very loud and used to getting her way.  The IL's are tired and overwhelmed.  I still don't think it makes it okay to regift a gift like that though.

An experience gift is not an option right now due to non settled custody issues.   Hopefully in the future we can do that though, I love the suggestion a lot!

I can understand your frustration at your gift being re-gifted - but I will just say that it's hard to judge parents based on a single decision.  I would hate to justify everything I do with _my_ kids to this entire board.  You may be right that the older one is being coddled at the expense of the younger one, but there may also be issues going on that you don't have insight on.

Books make wonderful gifts.  Also at 3 she may not be two young for games which are meant to be shared.  If you really want to get something 'personal' then perhaps you could find something with her name on it?

I agree with your point, but feel the need to offend OP's stance.  She noted earlier that this is a trend.  The OP gave the girls pajamas, slightly larger than what they needed, and the oldest got to wear both pairs while the youngest did not get hers until the oldest had outgrown them and was "done" with them.

You are right - I forgot and I'm really not criticizing the OP.    I'm just trying to give a different perspective.  In my case I have one kid who is very disabled and another who is not.  I sometimes make decisions that to an outsider might seem to be favoring one child over another ( in either direction ) but I'm really trying to make the right choice for both of them.

I'm occasionally wrong - of course!  It is rarely easy.

[CakeEater]

Agreed.  I will not be asking the 5 year old to give up that hat, as far as everyone is concerned it is her hat now.  I will not be denying her gifts either, I think that's mean and it would serve no point.  I was just wondering on whether or not my IL's were rude to basically regift something from one to another  like that.  It's a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease and the oldest is definitely squeaky.

I have a lot to think on as now that I've gotten off my chest I can see that there will not be a normal gift giving thing happening.  The dynamics are different than what I am used to.

My personal view is that unless there's a good reason for it (eg financial necessity) the parents (or guardians in this case) are rude to take a designated gift away from one child, and give it to the other.

I guess the real question is - is "appeasing a child" a good reason? While I get that the grandparents might be old, tired, and struggling a bit with the situation, I still don't think it's a good reason.

And I think that specifically, it is rude to the gift giver.

(pretty darned rude to the youngest kid as well)

What if it's an awesome toy given to child A that they can't use for whatever reason, or aren't interested in. You're saying it's rude to the gifter to let child B who loves the awesome toy use it? And that the gifter should be able to have any say about how that object is used in our house?

This sounds like a new situation if there's still custody issues to sort out. It may be that GPs are coping as best they can at the moment, and gathering energy needed to sort out 5 year old later.

Or maybe not. Maybe they're just lazy and it will all blow up in their faces later. It's still not OK for a gift giver to judge the parenting decisions made in a family. What's best for a whole family doesn't always look fair from the outside.

[Idlewildstudios]

Agreed.  I will not be asking the 5 year old to give up that hat, as far as everyone is concerned it is her hat now.  I will not be denying her gifts either, I think that's mean and it would serve no point.  I was just wondering on whether or not my IL's were rude to basically regift something from one to another  like that.  It's a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease and the oldest is definitely squeaky.

I have a lot to think on as now that I've gotten off my chest I can see that there will not be a normal gift giving thing happening.  The dynamics are different than what I am used to.

My personal view is that unless there's a good reason for it (eg financial necessity) the parents (or guardians in this case) are rude to take a designated gift away from one child, and give it to the other.

I guess the real question is - is "appeasing a child" a good reason? While I get that the grandparents might be old, tired, and struggling a bit with the situation, I still don't think it's a good reason.

And I think that specifically, it is rude to the gift giver.

(pretty darned rude to the youngest kid as well)

What if it's an awesome toy given to child A that they can't use for whatever reason, or aren't interested in. You're saying it's rude to the gifter to let child B who loves the awesome toy use it? And that the gifter should be able to have any say about how that object is used in our house?

This sounds like a new situation if there's still custody issues to sort out. It may be that GPs are coping as best they can at the moment, and gathering energy needed to sort out 5 year old later.

Or maybe not. Maybe they're just lazy and it will all blow up in their faces later. It's still not OK for a gift giver to judge the parenting decisions made in a family. What's best for a whole family doesn't always look fair from the outside.

Right, but when the giftee never seems to even have a chance to use her gift first? 

I am very close to the whole situation and they are very upfront about the trend of the oldest getting an opportunity to use *all* gifts first.  I don't think, because she hasn't fussed about it, that they even realize it might be hurtful to the younger girl.  They all just seem to accept that this is the way it works.  I find it a bit mind boggling.

I would never say anything to them about it, or even indicate I felt less than cheerful
about their decision,  but the pattern has definitely made me rethink my gift giving.

[esposita]

What if it's an awesome toy given to child A that they can't use for whatever reason, or aren't interested in. You're saying it's rude to the gifter to let child B who loves the awesome toy use it? And that the gifter should be able to have any say about how that object is used in our house?

This sounds like a new situation if there's still custody issues to sort out. It may be that GPs are coping as best they can at the moment, and gathering energy needed to sort out 5 year old later.

Or maybe not. Maybe they're just lazy and it will all blow up in their faces later. It's still not OK for a gift giver to judge the parenting decisions made in a family. What's best for a whole family doesn't always look fair from the outside.

This (the quoted) is how I feel too. Don't lose sight of the fact that these people are taking on a huge, challenging responsibility that should not be theirs. They have opened their home to these girls. Having to deal with this problem growing up is probably teeny compared to whatever else these babies might have faced if they had been allowed to remain in their other situation.

For all we know, this propensity, or character trait, in Big Sister might have done a lot to protect Little Sister in their other home. Since she doesn't need to stand up for her baby sister anymore, its manifesting in this way. There is such a thin line between virtues and vices sometimes, and I hope that the Grandparents will recognize this my-way, bossy attitude and cultivate a strong woman who isn't pushed around.

[CakeEater]

Agreed.  I will not be asking the 5 year old to give up that hat, as far as everyone is concerned it is her hat now.  I will not be denying her gifts either, I think that's mean and it would serve no point.  I was just wondering on whether or not my IL's were rude to basically regift something from one to another  like that.  It's a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease and the oldest is definitely squeaky.

I have a lot to think on as now that I've gotten off my chest I can see that there will not be a normal gift giving thing happening.  The dynamics are different than what I am used to.

My personal view is that unless there's a good reason for it (eg financial necessity) the parents (or guardians in this case) are rude to take a designated gift away from one child, and give it to the other.

I guess the real question is - is "appeasing a child" a good reason? While I get that the grandparents might be old, tired, and struggling a bit with the situation, I still don't think it's a good reason.

And I think that specifically, it is rude to the gift giver.

(pretty darned rude to the youngest kid as well)

What if it's an awesome toy given to child A that they can't use for whatever reason, or aren't interested in. You're saying it's rude to the gifter to let child B who loves the awesome toy use it? And that the gifter should be able to have any say about how that object is used in our house?

This sounds like a new situation if there's still custody issues to sort out. It may be that GPs are coping as best they can at the moment, and gathering energy needed to sort out 5 year old later.

Or maybe not. Maybe they're just lazy and it will all blow up in their faces later. It's still not OK for a gift giver to judge the parenting decisions made in a family. What's best for a whole family doesn't always look fair from the outside.

Right, but when the giftee never seems to even have a chance to use her gift first? 

I am very close to the whole situation and they are very upfront about the trend of the oldest getting an opportunity to use *all* gifts first.  I don't think, because she hasn't fussed about it, that they even realize it might be hurtful to the younger girl.  They all just seem to accept that this is the way it works.  I find it a bit mind boggling.

I would never say anything to them about it, or even indicate I felt less than cheerful
about their decision,  but the pattern has definitely made me rethink my gift giving.

I'm not saying that this situation isn't sad or difficult, or that GPs did a wonderful thing. Obviously you know the situation best and see how things are working, and it's obviously difficult for you to see. I'm sorry your family is going through it.

But you really can't dictate how things in someone else's house are used, even gifts that you gave.

I think your plan of rethinking gift giving is probably the best way to go.

[AnnaJ]

I think it's reasonable for you to be miffed, and if it were me I'd also be wondering what to do in the future. 

If I gave a gift to an adult who chose to give it away I might very well choose not to gift them again, but in this case the child didn't choose to give away her gift, it was taken away and given to another child.  I admit I'd lean toward giving each of the kids a gift - if you continue to give clothing - that can be worn by that child at that time, no more 'grow into' things. 

I understand why the grandparents are concerned about providing clothing and that it seems more practical to have clothes that both girls can (eventually) wear, but the younger one needs a few special things that are hers when they are new.  Maybe, if finances allow, for a birthday or Christmas you could get each of the girls one item just for them (fits, good color, etc.) and a few pieces from a thrift store or yard sale that will be shared clothes.

[johelenc1]

I would be disapproving of the parents' reaction to the child's temper tantrum, but I wouldn't really care who was wearing the hat.  Does it really matter?  I'm sure the older child looks cute in the hat as well.  Also, if the 5 year is wearing it, maybe it's too big for the 3 year old.  At least someone is using your gift.

I think you are over-reacting - or reacting to the parents' bad choice and it's not actually about who's wearing the hat.

[Venus193]

I would be concerned that the younger child would feel that she and her feelings don't count.  Lots of kids in these types of situations withhold their feelings to avoid annoying parents or making things worse for themselves.

[Idlewildstudios]

What if it wasn't children but adults?

Say I found a lovely unique necklace I just my friend #1 would love.  I give it to her at her party in front of friends.  Then the next time we all got together I saw that friend #2 was wearing it.  Upon seeing my puzzled look, friend #2 pipes up with "I saw the necklace and just loved it, so I took it.  Friend #1 can have it when I get tired of it!"

That would be horrendously rude, right?