Author Topic: Stop bad-mouthing my friend. S/O cut direct from half of couple  (Read 3563 times)

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azleaneo

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Re: Stop bad-mouthing my friend. S/O cut direct from half of couple
« Reply #15 on: October 14, 2013, 12:41:22 PM »
If he is bad mouthing Cathy when she is not there, what is he saying about you when you aren't there?

Oh, I'd bet for sure, especially if Cathy and Anne are still friends as well. I'm not usually one to jump on the abuse issues, but this is very common when someone is trying to control another person. Anne is only hearing negative things about Cathy from Bob, and as soon as you leave I bet he says the same things about the OP. He probably has nothing but negative things to say about all of Anne's friends.

If this were me, I'd start commenting back along the lines of "Wow Bob, you are really invested in Cathy. You spend so much time talking about her!" "It's nice to know that she's in your thoughts, it's good to have someone who cares."

Flip it around, make his negative comments into positive ones. He brings up Cathy in a conversation where you weren't even talking about her? Gush about the woman. "Oh yes, I forgot to mention Cathy, she and I just went to the most lovely movie last weekend."

He knows he's making you uncomfortable, that's what he's trying to do. Show him that not only are you not uncomfortable, you're enjoying your time with Anne.

Klea

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Re: Stop bad-mouthing my friend. S/O cut direct from half of couple
« Reply #16 on: October 14, 2013, 06:09:03 PM »
If he is bad mouthing Cathy when she is not there, what is he saying about you when you aren't there?
He knows he's making you uncomfortable, that's what he's trying to do. Show him that not only are you not uncomfortable, you're enjoying your time with Anne.

I am sure Bob would bad-mouth me to anyone who would listen as well. I have a hunch that Bob dislikes strong and independent women (both Cathy & I are) and feels threatened by them. He has been influential in limiting the time Anne spends alone with myself and a couple of others. At the same time, he also seems to have encouraged her friendship with another woman, Lisa (who is unassuming with a 'mild' personality - please don't think I am being nasty by describing her this way), and will rave about how great she is. Anne seems to have free reign to do whatever she likes with Lisa.

I also agree, I think he is in part trying to wind me up and instigate an argument (to make me look bad?). Unless he is completely daft, he must have an idea that it bothers me.

If this were me, I'd start commenting back along the lines of "Wow Bob, you are really invested in Cathy. You spend so much time talking about her!" "It's nice to know that she's in your thoughts, it's good to have someone who cares."

Flip it around, make his negative comments into positive ones. He brings up Cathy in a conversation where you weren't even talking about her? Gush about the woman. "Oh yes, I forgot to mention Cathy, she and I just went to the most lovely movie last weekend."

I do like this idea but feel that is inflammatory and would be almost certain to cause that massive argument I have been trying to avoid. The more positively I spoke about Cathy, Bob would try to compete (it is one of his worst traits) by finding more and more awful things to say about her. I don't know how long I could last trying to maintain that before I lost my temper. But at least he would be the one that looked like a jerk.

EllenS

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Re: Stop bad-mouthing my friend. S/O cut direct from half of couple
« Reply #17 on: October 14, 2013, 06:48:41 PM »
Any chance Cathy's burst of out-of-character behavior may have included some kind of inappropriate interlude with Bob? Because that's sure what it sounds like from over here. 

I wouldn't necessarily try to defend Cathy, unless he is spreading misinformation. You can't argue with someone's opinion, so why try?  I might, however, say something like "Cathy? Who brought up Cathy?  You sure do have a thing about Cathy." and change the subject.

POD to those who suggest mentioning to Ann that you'd really prefer to get together for just girl time.  Could you come up with some activity - like a manicure or spa, that would definitely be Bob-Free?

Other than that, ignore, ignore, ignore. Bob sounds like a bully and an immature jerk.


Klea

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Re: Stop bad-mouthing my friend. S/O cut direct from half of couple
« Reply #18 on: October 14, 2013, 08:52:08 PM »
Any chance Cathy's burst of out-of-character behavior may have included some kind of inappropriate interlude with Bob? Because that's sure what it sounds like from over here. 

Definitely not possible. Cathy was interstate at the time of her 'crisis'. Also, she too has never liked Bob since high school (however I wouldn't rule out an unrequited physical attraction to Cathy from Bob's end). But I do believe it has more to do with the strong, independent woman thing.

I guess I will just avoid, ignore and bean-dip - rinse and repeat. If that gets too much, I will be upfront with my request for him to not do so in my presence (and if he still persists I will re-evaluate from there). Thanks for all your thoughtful responses!

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Stop bad-mouthing my friend. S/O cut direct from half of couple
« Reply #19 on: October 14, 2013, 09:00:09 PM »
If he is bad mouthing Cathy when she is not there, what is he saying about you when you aren't there?
He knows he's making you uncomfortable, that's what he's trying to do. Show him that not only are you not uncomfortable, you're enjoying your time with Anne.

I am sure Bob would bad-mouth me to anyone who would listen as well. I have a hunch that Bob dislikes strong and independent women (both Cathy & I are) and feels threatened by them. He has been influential in limiting the time Anne spends alone with myself and a couple of others. At the same time, he also seems to have encouraged her friendship with another woman, Lisa (who is unassuming with a 'mild' personality - please don't think I am being nasty by describing her this way), and will rave about how great she is. Anne seems to have free reign to do whatever she likes with Lisa.


Bob sounds like a guy I knew in college.  Now back then I was pretty naive and mild mannered but his then gf, now etbxwife (e for eventually) made me look like a temperamental harpy.  But then he didn't mind her being alone with me.  Well, he felt a need to be with her at all times she wasn't in class, but he was at least cool with her talking to me from time to time without him always being around.

As we all got older and I became more and my bs-ometer became more finely calibrated, he didn't like to leave us girls alone as often as he used to, assuming that anytime we got together to have some girl talk we'd be getting drunk, listening to Tori Amos and bashing men.  Yeah, cause that attitude would convince us otherwise.  ::) My DH would try to distract him at least by pulling him into another room of their house to watch a movie or play on their video game system but it rarely worked.

I once joked with DH that Peter would hate if Coral met another friend of mine who is very strong and independent.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Yentush

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Re: Stop bad-mouthing my friend. S/O cut direct from half of couple
« Reply #20 on: October 15, 2013, 02:24:04 AM »
I am one for calling a "bluff."

Anne, don't mention Cathy, if you do, your husband will have to make a snarky remark.

Lynn2000

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Re: Stop bad-mouthing my friend. S/O cut direct from half of couple
« Reply #21 on: October 15, 2013, 02:21:42 PM »
This might be too confrontational for someone like Bob, but in general with people who keep bringing up a particular subject, especially a negative one, I sometimes say, "Yes, you've mentioned that," in a neutral tone. I doubt Bob would care and I don't know if Anne could/would do anything about it, but it would at least point out to them both that you've noticed Bob's Cathy fixation.
~Lynn2000