Author Topic: S/O taking veggie food  (Read 4584 times)

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Zilla

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #15 on: October 02, 2013, 01:20:10 PM »
I think rude and SS. 'I dropped my eating restriction, but when you host me you still need to provide for it." is rude.

I would have said no- holidays have enough to do for the host, with out someone expecting that non-existent good restrictions will be catered to.

That's not at all what happened. She didn't tell the OP she "needed" to do anything.

She asked if the OP could continue to provide a dish she had previously that the friend looked forward to. The OP had the choice to say no and it's a friend, so I don't see the big deal in asking.

 She's asking for a preference that she no longer adheres to still be catered to that equals rude. The host sets the menu not the guests.  Even the 'asking" is rude, as afar as I am concerned, and to ask something that even the OP says is going to make things more complicated, all the more rude.


It was a dish that was on the menu prior.  When discussing dinner and knowing she is no longer vegetarian, I see her saying, "Oooh I know I am not vegetarian anymore, but are you still going to make that really delicious faux turkey dish?  It was so good!" 


This is not rude and in fact a compliment.  The OP was completely free to say, "Oh no I hadn't planned on it." but instead chose to do it.  Again not rude.

snowdragon

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #16 on: October 02, 2013, 01:30:43 PM »
/\/\/\
 
And you can tell me that til the cows come home, but etiquette dictates that the host sets the menu.... not the guests. The dish was on the menu prior to this because the host took her guest's vegetarianism into account --- now the guest does not follow that.  So there is no reason to have it on the menu.  Just because a host makes a dish ( even multiple times) prior, does not mean that they have to make it forever.
 
 I would find this kind of thing obnoxious enough that I would not be inviting her to any more events.

Goosey

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #17 on: October 02, 2013, 01:32:20 PM »
Your friends can never ask you any favors without you dumping them?

darkprincess

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #18 on: October 02, 2013, 01:38:03 PM »
We had somethings similar happen. DH and I host a holiday meal every year. One year we were going to have a lot of people so we choose to make two entrees, lets say a turkey and a ham. Everyone loves our ham. The following year we are going to have less people so only one entree. When we invite people we let them know that we are serving a rib roast. Several people, not just one, respond by requesting that we also make a ham.  ???
Yes it was just a request, we are delighted that people like our ham so much, but it made us feel very awkward. In our head we asked ourselves, should we make two entrees which is a big expense and difficult to cook in one oven. Should we scratch our menu and just make ham? Should we buy two smaller entrees and maybe not have enough if everyone wants both?

Another year we were just having ham as the entree and as we were setting out the food two people wanted to know if DH was making his amazing gravy. He makes gravy out of meat drippings and ham doesn't lend itself to this very well so we had no plans for gravy. We had scalloped potatoes instead of mashed/cheese sauce for veggies, we saw no reason for gravy. My husband went back to kitchen and somehow made gravy, I know he didn't need to, but he felt he should as a good host.

I do think that there are times where it is inappropriate to ask. If you are invited to dinner and are given the menu I do think it is rude to ask the person to add/change. This does not mean you can't tell the host I would love too but because of my meat allergy/religious objection to broccoli I will not be able to. Then the host can decide on their own that they want to accommodate or at least know for future invites. But saying I know you are making fish but could you also make pot pies too, seems rude.

snowdragon

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #19 on: October 02, 2013, 01:40:30 PM »
Your friends can never ask you any favors without you dumping them?

You want a lift somewhere, I'm your person. You want to learn a craft - I'll teach you. Kids need babysitting while you and hubby go on date night, we'll talk.

 Imply that my hosting is lacking without XYZ because you 'like it so much' and ask to have it while I am already making a meal for you - we'll find ways to socialize out side of my home. 



snowdragon

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #20 on: October 02, 2013, 01:42:25 PM »
We had somethings similar happen. DH and I host a holiday meal every year. One year we were going to have a lot of people so we choose to make two entrees, lets say a turkey and a ham. Everyone loves our ham. The following year we are going to have less people so only one entree. When we invite people we let them know that we are serving a rib roast. Several people, not just one, respond by requesting that we also make a ham.  ???
Yes it was just a request, we are delighted that people like our ham so much, but it made us feel very awkward. In our head we asked ourselves, should we make two entrees which is a big expense and difficult to cook in one oven. Should we scratch our menu and just make ham? Should we buy two smaller entrees and maybe not have enough if everyone wants both?

Another year we were just having ham as the entree and as we were setting out the food two people wanted to know if DH was making his amazing gravy. He makes gravy out of meat drippings and ham doesn't lend itself to this very well so we had no plans for gravy. We had scalloped potatoes instead of mashed/cheese sauce for veggies, we saw no reason for gravy. My husband went back to kitchen and somehow made gravy, I know he didn't need to, but he felt he should as a good host.

I do think that there are times where it is inappropriate to ask. If you are invited to dinner and are given the menu I do think it is rude to ask the person to add/change. This does not mean you can't tell the host I would love too but because of my meat allergy/religious objection to broccoli I will not be able to. Then the host can decide on their own that they want to accommodate or at least know for future invites. But saying I know you are making fish but could you also make pot pies too, seems rude.


All of the bolded is what I am trying to say. and if you make me feel like what I am offering is not enough, then I think we need other ways to socialize.

Goosey

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #21 on: October 02, 2013, 01:43:08 PM »
I think you're spinning this is the absolute worse possible way. And by spinning, I mean you're reeeeeaaallly stretching to find an insult here. So, I don't think we'll see eye-to-eye on this.

As another said, this isn't a negative comment on your hosting. It's a compliment to your dish. You're choosing to make a friend into a bad person instead of accepting a compliment and making a decision. That's much ruder in my books than anything in the OP.

Zilla

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #22 on: October 02, 2013, 01:46:39 PM »
/\/\/\
 
And you can tell me that til the cows come home, but etiquette dictates that the host sets the menu.... not the guests. The dish was on the menu prior to this because the host took her guest's vegetarianism into account --- now the guest does not follow that.  So there is no reason to have it on the menu.  Just because a host makes a dish ( even multiple times) prior, does not mean that they have to make it forever.
 
 I would find this kind of thing obnoxious enough that I would not be inviting her to any more events.


Can you point to where it's rude to ask about a dish with a hostess?  I see that it's not rude to ask well before the dinner party about a dish.  I just saw one on a Emily Post reference.  But nowhere do I see it's rude to ask.  You also make it sound like they are rejecting the menu out of hand.  When in this specific scenario the friend was asking if the OP is going to still continue to make it.  She wasn't changing anything and in fact simply asking if the dish was going to still be made. 
« Last Edit: October 02, 2013, 01:48:26 PM by Zilla »

Yvaine

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #23 on: October 02, 2013, 01:52:32 PM »
I think rude and SS. 'I dropped my eating restriction, but when you host me you still need to provide for it." is rude.

I would have said no- holidays have enough to do for the host, with out someone expecting that non-existent good restrictions will be catered to.

That's not at all what happened. She didn't tell the OP she "needed" to do anything.

She asked if the OP could continue to provide a dish she had previously that the friend looked forward to. The OP had the choice to say no and it's a friend, so I don't see the big deal in asking.

 She's asking for a preference that she no longer adheres to still be catered to that equals rude. The host sets the menu not the guests.  Even the 'asking" is rude, as afar as I am concerned, and to ask something that even the OP says is going to make things more complicated, all the more rude.


It was a dish that was on the menu prior.  When discussing dinner and knowing she is no longer vegetarian, I see her saying, "Oooh I know I am not vegetarian anymore, but are you still going to make that really delicious faux turkey dish?  It was so good!" 


This is not rude and in fact a compliment.  The OP was completely free to say, "Oh no I hadn't planned on it." but instead chose to do it.  Again not rude.

This. If I found out tomorrow that I'm not allergic to shellfish anymore, I might still ask my boyfriend to make me his special chicken gumbo (which he cobbled together to work around my allergy) for some event because it's amazing. He could say no if he doesn't feel like it. But we're close, and I'm asking because I like the dish, so I don't think either of us would be being rude.

Tea Drinker

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #24 on: October 02, 2013, 01:53:06 PM »
Holiday meals are complicated because people do get a feeling of, as my nephew put it, "it wouldn't be Christmas without nut roast." The nut roast was originally part of the Christmas dinner because his father is vegetarian. After his parents divorced, his mother was going to stop making nut roast, since she wasn't feeding any vegetarians at that meal. My nephew considered nut roast important to Christmas, so it stayed on the menu.

Granted, this was partly to make a child comfortable--I think he was 7 or 8 when he said that--but a lot of family holiday menus include things like "it wouldn't feel right without green bean casserole, I'll bring it if you like," among people who ordinarily would figure that whoever is hosting sets the menu. I don't think it's rude to ask, if it's "I really liked your vegetable risotto, are you planning to make it again this year?" especially if it's close family or you've been doing the meal together for a long time. Not being eight years old, I wouldn't put it in those "it wouldn't be a proper holiday" terms, but I do ask my aunt to get Kedem white grape juice for the Passover seder.
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Hmmmmm

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #25 on: October 02, 2013, 02:54:06 PM »
Your friends can never ask you any favors without you dumping them?

You want a lift somewhere, I'm your person. You want to learn a craft - I'll teach you. Kids need babysitting while you and hubby go on date night, we'll talk.

 Imply that my hosting is lacking without XYZ because you 'like it so much' and ask to have it while I am already making a meal for you - we'll find ways to socialize out side of my home.

I have never seen someone saying "Ooh, would you make those sugar cookies you made last year, I loved them" as implying my hosting is lacking. It's saying I really love those. I am free to say "Nope, sorry I decided to serve fluffernutter cookies this year." or I can say "Sure, I'm glad to you liked them, I'll be happy to make them."

I might be a little put off is the day Thanksgiving someone asks for something specific. But I still don't take it as a slur to my hosting skills.

audrey1962

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #26 on: October 02, 2013, 03:05:14 PM »
It was a dish that was on the menu prior.  When discussing dinner and knowing she is no longer vegetarian, I see her saying, "Oooh I know I am not vegetarian anymore, but are you still going to make that really delicious faux turkey dish?  It was so good!" 

This is not rude and in fact a compliment.  The OP was completely free to say, "Oh no I hadn't planned on it." but instead chose to do it.  Again not rude.

I agree with Zilla - this is a compliment.

SlitherHiss

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #27 on: October 02, 2013, 03:20:50 PM »
Your friends can never ask you any favors without you dumping them?

You want a lift somewhere, I'm your person. You want to learn a craft - I'll teach you. Kids need babysitting while you and hubby go on date night, we'll talk.

 Imply that my hosting is lacking without XYZ because you 'like it so much' and ask to have it while I am already making a meal for you - we'll find ways to socialize out side of my home.

I have never seen someone saying "Ooh, would you make those sugar cookies you made last year, I loved them" as implying my hosting is lacking. It's saying I really love those. I am free to say "Nope, sorry I decided to serve fluffernutter cookies this year." or I can say "Sure, I'm glad to you liked them, I'll be happy to make them."

I might be a little put off is the day Thanksgiving someone asks for something specific. But I still don't take it as a slur to my hosting skills.

This. Very much so.

Snowdragon, if a friend said "I just love the [whatever] you made last year, any chance you'll make it again this year?" and you took that as a criticism of your hosting instead of a compliment to your cooking skills, I'd honestly think you were looking for offense. Doubly so if you used that as a reason to keep them off the guest list for any future parties.

miranova

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #28 on: October 02, 2013, 10:21:28 PM »
I don't think it's a super egregious offense to ask or anything, but I do think it's just a tad tricky to request a specific dish at a specific event.  Absolutely it's a compliment, but as a host I'd still like to decide when I serve which dish.  I got a ton of compliments on my jambalaya recently, but I'm not going to make it for Thanksgiving, and if someone asked me to, I would find it a strange thing to request.  (Not because of the food item itself, but because if I'm hosting an event I've likely already chosen the food, and I have a reason for the things I've chosen).  I wouldn't think twice about "oh man, that dish was delicious!  can you make it again someday/give me the recipe/teach me to make it" etc.  But "can you make it at your party next weekend?" goes just a bit too far for me.  Like I said, I don't think it's the worse offense ever and I'd either make it or politely decline and move on, but it's just not something I'd ask a host as a guest in their home.

Bijou

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Re: S/O taking veggie food
« Reply #29 on: October 02, 2013, 10:44:26 PM »
I have prepared dinner for large groups on holidays and I know how much work and expense is involved.  I would have declined to take that on.
You must have minded the extra work at  least a little if it occurred to you that it may have been an inappropriate request.  I think it was rude and more than a bit ss to ask you to make a special dish for her when it was unnecessary.  I would have just told her the menu was set.
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