Author Topic: The dinner date that didn’t happen  (Read 8387 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

MariaE

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4504
  • So many books, so little time
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #15 on: October 07, 2013, 02:41:00 AM »
I agree that they both dodged a bullet, but from an etiquette POV I think only Rick was rude. I completely agree with sweetonsno's take on things.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

Erich L-ster

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 665
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #16 on: October 07, 2013, 02:55:16 AM »
Rick sounds like a giant jerk from this story.

flickan

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 192
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #17 on: October 07, 2013, 06:41:22 AM »
The paranoia about the phone call would be the end of it for me. If she's like that on a first date, how jealous would she be in a real relationship.

I think your friend behaved pretty badly-- the thing about apologizing to the waitress, did that have to be done in front of the date??  Nobody apologizes for my behavior, that's a dealbreaker.

But I agree completely with the above.  The woman sounds like crazysauce.

jmarvellous

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3370
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #18 on: October 07, 2013, 07:03:25 AM »
Lessons from my online dating experience that apply here:
-- Always charge your phone
-- Wait 15 minutes at most for a date without a phone call,  unless you're nursing a drink
-- Do not let the person belittle or "tease" you in a way that makes you uncomfortable. It will only get worse.
-- Offer to pay your own way, even if the guy is a boor.
-- Only take emergency calls,  unless the date is already a dud, in which case it can give you a chance to breathe/think of a way out.
-- Meet somewhere casual and well-lit, for a drink or short activity, not a movie or a full, formal meal.
-- If the date ends abruptly,  don't follow up unless you're genuinely worried about the person AND think there will definitely be a second date.
-- Don't take it personally! The Internet is a Horrible Date Machine sometimes,  but you can try again!

Miss Unleaded

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1723
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #19 on: October 07, 2013, 07:22:18 AM »
I have had some wonky first dates..I let the little things slide and try to salvage the night.  He realized his mistake and apologized, but he did try to call her..her phone wasn't charged so he gets a pass on that.  His comment to the waitress was probably a nervous reaction to her behavior (Anyone that treats service people like dirt is a major turn off).  I think his deciding to end the date was a smart idea as there was no salvaging it and her behavior after..the crying repeated phone messages?  Wow, she sounds truly clingy and needy and he didn't just dodge a bullet..he dodged a missile!

The original post didn't say the woman treated the waiter like dirt.  It said she was 'terse'.  ie. 'Sparing in use of words, abrupt, brief and direct in a way that may seem rude or unfriendly'.  To me that doesn't translate to treating someone like dirt or even necessarily as being rude.

secretrebel

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1021
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #20 on: October 07, 2013, 08:20:24 AM »
The only thing I don't understand is why after Rick's behaviour she would want to see him again and was upset. I think she's the one who dodged the bullet.

Jones

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2528
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #21 on: October 07, 2013, 08:21:24 AM »
Regarding business calls: My company, and others in my area, require that people answer their phones after hours. It's part of the job. Now, you can answer and say "So and so is on call this weekend, I'm actually away from my truck, could you call him at XXX-YYYY?" But, as after-hours calls are often emergencies or have the potential to be emergency, answering is necessary. I personally wouldn't be put off by someone having to answer a business call during dinner, in fact I've found out a lot about people by using the call to springboard more conversation ("Your company makes gizmos, right? Do you service them in-field?") which will tell me if a potential date is going to spend a LOT of time disappearing in the future as people call him to come service a gizmo.

I do think Rick should have made a proper note on where he said to meet (maybe it's just me but, how does someone forget a thing like that?), she should definitely have had a charged phone, and the rest of it could possibly be explained by awkward people using awkward jokes to make a situation worse. Rick did the right thing to cut off the date when he did.

Another Sarah

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 265
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #22 on: October 07, 2013, 08:22:33 AM »
Unless I'm reading this wrong, I'm quite taken aback at Rick's behaviour -
1)He goes to the wrong place,
2)When he sees that she is upset he tells her she is in the wrong
3)Then he apologises to the waitress for her when she is less than perfectly polite (I do not get the sense she was rude to the waitress, just abrupt)
4)then he walks out for a phone call,
5)comes back, pays up and leaves, all within about ten minutes (the space of time taken to sit down and have the waitress come to take the order), purely because the woman was annoyed she'd been left to stand around for three quarters of an hour.

On his "plus list", he apologised for getting the meeting point wrong.
And paid for the drink she spent 4 times as long waiting for as it took to drink.

Sorry but I think the woman was the one who dodged a bullet.

I appreciate it was an honest mistake, but when the other person tells you she has been waiting ages, you don't announce she is wrong even if you think she is, you say there's been a mixup and apologise.
And it takes time to get back on an even keel if you've been standing around for a long time - I appreciate that also applies to Rick, but the difference is that the woman dealt with her irritation internally, she didn't start calling Rick out on his bad behaviour until he left the restaurant to take a phone call - and I do think that's what the back-up date comment was, probably framed as a joke that fell completely flat.
If I had to guess, I'd say the "what went wrong" messages were meant as "what happened to the guy I talked to online, you were really abrupt and dismissive in person" or "what happened to the nice evening we had planned, you weren't bothered", rather than "what happened to our wonderful evening that I was enjoying so much".

veronaz

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1990
Re: The dinner date that didn’t happen
« Reply #23 on: October 07, 2013, 08:30:08 AM »
Honestly, I think she dodged a bullet more than he did. If it was the woman telling the story, I'd be telling her that Rick was a cad.

Rick blamed her for his mistake. Strike one.
Okay, he apologized. Ball one? 
Rick made light of her irritation to the waitress. Strike two.
Rick left the date to take a phone call. Strike three.
Rick asked for the check before informing her that he wanted to call it a night. Strike four.

I think Rick's talking to the waitress about his date's mood and then asking the waitress for the check to signal to his date that it was over were both quite PA and disrespectful.

This. Also, Rick was the one telling the story and I still felt a lot of sympathy for her. If I waited for almost an hour in the right place, was blamed by my "date" for being in the wrong place, had him belittle/call attention to my irritation in front of the waitress and then watched my date take a phone call while barely on the date (as it was just drinks that they had), I think I'd be ending it right there.

I think they both dodged a bullet and should go to grown-up school before dating again.

Add me on to this.  I mean his comment to the waitress would have made me so angry - it's like he was publicly calling her out and to me had the tone of "don't mind the little lady" to it.  On a date that was already not going great, getting up to take a phone call? I mean if ever there was a way to signal that he wasn't interested...  And then he arbitrarily calls for the check with no discussion - just as a courtesy mind you, he of course can leave whenever he wants, but you should do the polite dance before hand of "You know, I feel like this night just started off wrong and we haven't been clicking.  I think it's best if we call it a night...." and so on.

It’s interesting how we sometimes look at things a bit differently after getting feedback.  Of course, that’s what forums like this are all about.

Sure, I (we) are hearing the story from Rick’s perspective.  He said when she kind of went off on him in the lobby when they first saw each other, he felt like he was being scolded, that it lessened the attraction he felt, and that he also felt this was indicative of her personality.  I can understand that.

As far as the remark to the waitress, I don’t know what his date said but Rick said she was terse/snotty, the waitress looked at him dumbfounded, and his remark was to let her know she didn’t do anything wrong.

When he stepped away to take a phone call, I might have suspected he was talking to another woman but I certainly wouldn’t have said it or questioned him.  It is possible she was trying to make a joke, but if so, it bombed.

I do feel he could have ended it better ("We're not clicking; let's call it a night.")

The two vm messages later that night cross over into pathetic, creepy territory (imo).  He said the first was sad…….”What went wrong?” and the second (a couple hrs later) was tearful but at the same time had a tone of “Who do you think you are?  I asked a simple question “What went wrong?” I’m trying to be the bigger person and you don’t even have the decency to call me back?”  Yikes.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2013, 08:35:56 AM by veronaz »

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21354
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #24 on: October 07, 2013, 09:00:17 AM »
Maybe she ran her phone down playing Candy Crush for 45 minutes waiting for her date who yhen blamed her for the delay.

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9668
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #25 on: October 07, 2013, 09:10:36 AM »
Rick sounds like a clod, and frankly I think she's the one who dodged a bullet.

-He screwed up their meeting.
-She'd barely had a chance to hear his "apology" before he was telling the waitress she's mad at him.
-He takes a call only a few minutes later. We don't know her tone, so the line about the backup date could have been meant as a joke.
-He ends the date by telling the waitress, rather than talking to her.

Rick is not mature enough to be dating anyone, from the sound of things.
If wisdomís ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Goosey

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 901
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #26 on: October 07, 2013, 09:20:09 AM »
He ended the date abruptly and then ignores her phone calls for an explanation. (she doesn't sound "creepy" to me, she sounds pissed off - and rightly so).

He apologized to the waitress for his date's behavior in front of his date.

He stepped out on a date to take a phone call.

He told his date that she was in the wrong when she was absolutely correct.

He was annoyed that she was angry at having waited 45 minutes for him. (15 minutes is my cutoff time, so I think this was an excessive amount. I would be long gone).

She also acted badly by expressing her displeasure in an unproductive way, but he continued to act boorishly.

Emmy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3794
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #27 on: October 07, 2013, 09:23:27 AM »
Rick made an honest mistake when he told her he'd meet her by the entrance instead of the bar.  When he insisted he said he'd meet her by the entrance, he still honestly thought that was what he had said.  He did apologize when he realized his error.  The woman not having her phone charged was another honest mistake. 

What really soured the night was the woman's attitude and Rick's inconsideration.  If this woman was going to be sour all night, even after the apologies and her own part in the miscommunication (phone being off), it is unreasonable that she would expect Rick to want to spend much time with her.  If she couldn't get her emotions into check and be a pleasant dinner companion, she should have made her apologies and left early.  I agree with other posters who said some people seem to be over reacting to the woman being terse to the waitress.  While terse is certainly not pleasant, it is not mistreating her either.  I do think her reaction to the phone call may have been a joke that fell flat.  For Rick's part, apologizing to the waitress for his date's lack of friendliness was very condescending.  Also, taking a business phone call on a date (unless he is an ER doctor) is very rude, especially after his error left her sitting by herself waiting for him before the date.  I also agree Rick should have told her he was planning on calling it a night before just asking for a check from the waitress.  These actions seemed to show that he had little regard for her feelings.

I agree with others that they both dodged a bullet.  Based on the brief story, this woman seems like she is the type to hold a major grudge, take negative emotions out on those around her, and is very clingy.  Rick seems like the type of person to not consider how his actions may affect another person.

Twik

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 28296
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #28 on: October 07, 2013, 09:30:06 AM »
Rick made an honest mistake when he told her he'd meet her by the entrance instead of the bar.  When he insisted he said he'd meet her by the entrance, he still honestly thought that was what he had said.

Does Rick normally do things like forgetting what he said? Does he go around work insisting, "But I sent you the Jones file last week! Why haven't you processed ... oh, wait, here it is on my desk."
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5818
Re: The dinner date that didnít happen
« Reply #29 on: October 07, 2013, 09:56:55 AM »
I don't think he behaved very well either. He was wrong in the initial communication about the meeting place, and while she should have had her phone charged, he should have met her where they'd agreed; I mean, how did people ever manage to meet up for dates before cell phones? Then, I think his "she's mad at me" thing to the waitress was kind of presumptuous and I think he should have allowed her, as an adult, to manage her own restaurant manners; if he thought she was rude, he could certainly file it away as a reason not to go out with her again, but he's talking about her like she's a kid or not really there, kwim? And then he took a phone call during the date...

Her later behavior was kind of weird, over the top for a first date that went badly, but I don't think I can cast her as the only etiquette sinner here. If I were him, I wouldn't date her again--and if I were her, I wouldn't date him again either.

(Addendum to the phone call thing: a better way to handle the business call, if it were truly inevitable, would be to explain to her at the beginning of the date that he might get a business call, or at least tell her what it was when it came in, or scheduling the date when he wasn't expecting a business call.)

I agree completely