Author Topic: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"  (Read 6107 times)

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Sharnita

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #15 on: October 09, 2013, 02:34:23 PM »
"I got the e-vite and I guess I misread it or something because I didn't realize this was co-ed"

sweetonsno

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #16 on: October 09, 2013, 02:41:31 PM »
I don't think you were wrong for thinking that your boyfriend wasn't invited. You made the safe assumption. I agree that you didn't have to lie, though I can see why it may have been the more comfortable choice.

However, I think it's a mistake to assume that this was a deliberate slight rather than an oversight. Unless there's bad blood between your boyfriend and the host/guest of honor, it was probably simply an error. If the host thought that they'd emailed him an invitation (or included him on yours), I don't think they would mention to you that he was invited unless you had specifically asked for clarification. A second possibility is that the host did originally intend for it to be ladies only and the guests either assumed that it was a family event or asked if they could bring their charges along. The host may have been perfectly okay with this and just said, "Sure thing!" or she may have just not wanted to say no.

My point is that while I totally understand being sad that you couldn't share this event with your sweetie, I don't think you should assume that your friends don't like your boyfriend and/or don't honor your relationship with him. You're usually treated as a social unit, which makes me think that your friends see you as one. This was really probably just a mistake.

My vote is to let this one go. If one of the hosts or the GOH had asked where he was, I think a good response would have been, "When I got the invitation, I assumed it was a ladies' only event. Too bad, I know he would have enjoyed celebrating!" But I don't think it would have been good to say that he wasn't invited unless you knew for a fact that had been the intention. (Even in that case, doing so likely would have put a bit of a damper on everyone's good mood.)

In the future, I think you can make polite inquiries if you aren't sure about an event. If you want to go subtle, use the singular first person a bit more heavily than usual. If the host asks after boyfriend, say, "Oh, is he invited, too? He didn't mention getting an email. I'll tell him to check his spam folder. I'm sure he'd love to come. I'll have him call you."

I'm confused. I don't see anywhere where the OP has made these assumptions.

The OP said that she felt hurt. I understood that to mean that she thought her BF was being deliberately excluded.

bopper

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #17 on: October 11, 2013, 08:56:47 AM »
"Oh, we didn't know he was invited! The invitation was only addressed to me."

nuit93

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?" UPDATE
« Reply #18 on: October 11, 2013, 11:46:08 AM »
So, I asked my sister about it the other day.  She hadn't written the invites, one of the other hosts did that.

She went on the defensive at first and asked if I was implying something underhanded, I assured her I wasn't and that there were no hard feelings, I just was requesting clarification.

None of the males had apparently received personal invites, but all three hosts had thought it would be obvious that since the invite read "Cousin and Cousin's husband baby shower" that people would know it was a family event (as opposed to "Cousin's baby shower" which would imply it was a ladies' only event).  I read the invite again and while it did read "C and C's H" in the title, there was still nothing indicating "bring the family!".

So, looks like either an oversight or a miscommunication--which is what I'd kind of figured all along.  I kind of feel silly having asked my sister for clarification in the first place since I guess it was obvious to everyone but me that it was an open event.  Oh well!

lowspark

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #19 on: October 11, 2013, 11:52:56 AM »
Yeah, I have to say that if the invitation read "Suzy & Bob's Baby Shower" I'd probably assume it meant couples were invited. At minimum, I probably would have asked when sending in my reply. Oh, and even more so when I found out your sister's husband was going. These two things together really do point to it being an invitation to you both.

I wouldn't have expected a separate email to both of our email addresses either. So I think it was definitely a misunderstanding of the invitation.

WillyNilly

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #20 on: October 11, 2013, 12:08:42 PM »
I absolutely would not have gotten the hidden hint it was a co-ed deal just because it said "Suzy & Bob's Baby Shower". I would have assumed that Bob's name was there simply to identify which Suzy out of all the possible Suzys a person might know it was. Maybe its because I have a ridiculously common name so I always am clarified by a last name or my husbands name or by what organization I'm from, etc, so I just assume other people are clarifying names.

To me a baby shower is always a female only event unless very explicitly and specifically stated as otherwise.

rose red

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #21 on: October 11, 2013, 02:26:06 PM »
I went to a baby shower where the husband and the couple's dads were there (formal lunch, gifts, no games), but everybody else invited were just women.  So I would have still concluded the OP's invitation was only for the OP, no plus one. 

EllenS

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #22 on: October 11, 2013, 02:38:14 PM »
I would have found the wording "Suzy & Bob's Baby Shower" confusing.  I would not be sure if it meant couples were welcome, or that it was for Suzy & Bob's baby. 

Invitations for both of us usually are addressed to both of us. 

Most baby showers I have been to were women only.

nuit93

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #23 on: October 11, 2013, 02:51:41 PM »
Interesting...I'm glad to know I'm not the only one (well, aside from the rest of the party attendees) who would have been confused by that!

esposita

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #24 on: October 11, 2013, 03:04:05 PM »
I'm with lowspark. If his name were included in the party's title, that would make him a guest of honor and I would guess that other men, if not the whole family, were invited.

Since it was an e-vite, perhaps it wasn't able to be formatted to have both of your names in the subject line?

nuit93

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #25 on: October 11, 2013, 03:22:29 PM »
I think if I were the one issuing the invites, I would have either 1) put the names of spouses/SO's in the subject line, 2) gotten their email addresses so they could also be sent an invite, or 3) specified in the message body somehow that families were welcome.  At least that's what would have struck me as obvious, though with this being informal and not like, say, a wedding I can see why that might not have been done.

I didn't find out that BIL was going until a week before the event, when my BF had already lined up other plans.

Lynn2000

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #26 on: October 11, 2013, 11:56:56 PM »
I think you made a safe assumption, and I'm glad you checked with your sister, because "Suzy and Bob's Baby Shower" wouldn't necessarily have jumped out to me as a co-ed, bring the whole family cue. I think in the future, if a host is someone that close to you, it would be perfectly okay to ask, "Hey, is this co-ed or girls only?" Bridal and baby showers can go either way, I think, especially the more casual ones. Or you could ask about the general plan for the party--food, activities, etc. that might give you a clue. Just something to get a host talking about it. As long as you aren't saying, "Is Justin invited? He wants to come. Save a place for him next to me. And buy his favorite cookies." I think general inquiries are okay.
~Lynn2000

Eeep!

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #27 on: October 12, 2013, 09:04:13 AM »
I totally missed that it was an evite. I always get a bit befuddled who to send ether to if I'm inviting a couple because they have the ability to respond for themselves and add additional guests so if you send it to both people and one responds for both of then then the other person end up looking like they haven't responded. So I most odor send it to the member I am either closer to it that I know is better at responding.
I do agree that the organizers should have used the message feature to make it more clear. We had a coed sh owe and the hosts made sure it was really obvious so it wouldn't be confusing.
However, the wording with both of the couples name in the title probably would have made me look at the guest list to see how others were responding (assuming it was public).
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Sharnita

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Re: "Where's your boyfriend?" "He...wasn't invited?"
« Reply #28 on: October 12, 2013, 09:10:53 AM »
No way on earth would I assume "Suzy and Bob's Baby Shower" meant that men were automatically invited.  I have been to plenty of baby showers where the dad was there but all the guests were women.  It might make me think of a gift that would appeal to to dads but other than that, it really misses the mark.

The problem is they want to make it easy on themselves - one email, no personalized names in the body of the message, etc.