See, to me 45 minutes is not unusually long. It is about what i'd expect from a wedding.
As far as the wives being submissive, I think it can depend. I've actually heard some awesome sermons on that - where the person preaching goes on to point out that the rest of that scripture points out that the husband is required to love the wife as Christ loved the Church, in other words, he has to live and die for her. He puts her above himself, sacrifices himself for her, etc. That kind of changes the dynamic of the the whole thing overall.
In some of the examples mentioned, the HC quite frankly seem to be the ones at fault.
Some friends of mine got married some time ago. Neither practice any religion, but they had the bride's childhood priest perform the wedding. The wedding itself was not in a church. Much to all of our surprise, even the bride and groom, the minister launched into a 15 minute sermon during the wedding about the religious importance of marriage, etc. We were only irritated because it was very hot in the room we were in and we wanted to get to the bar. It was supposed to be a very quick wedding! Anyway, 20 years later, we all still just laugh about it if it were to be brought up for some reason - as we did that day, once we got our cocktails.
In the grand scheme of life, it just wasn't a big deal and I'm glad everyone reacted by just rolling with it and then moving on.
I have to say, it seems kind of strange to me me for non-religious people to ask a religious person to marry them but expect that he keep the ceremony that has religious symbolism and might even be a sacrament basically non-religious. Their expectations seem unrealistic and kind of insulting, to be honest.
When you go to a church or pastor and ask them to perform a wedding or funeral, it isn't like Burger King, you can't just order it up your way in most cases. If their beliefs are so far opposed to yours that they offend you it is best to go to someone or someplace else.
As far as a letter telling them they have offended you - they might see that as a sign they have dine their job, told the truth, shed some light, etc. They probably aren't to concerned with the fact that the world is changing, they might be urged not to be "of the world". And they might be able to point to some pretty depressing changes in the world so conforming to a changing world is necessarily a goal. They don't expect you to automatically say "Yes, I've seen the light" because you sat through a wedding, either.