Author Topic: Is there a ticking clock?  (Read 6228 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

GlitterIsMyDrug

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1119
Is there a ticking clock?
« on: October 09, 2013, 02:17:42 PM »
So Partner and I have been engaged since Labor day weekend, so about a month now. We have no date set. We have no kind of date set other then "Gee we both like fall...maybe fall?". And we haven't even bothered to nail down which state we'll get married in. Laws make this a bit trickier (I foresee another post about that regarding etiquette as well), so we might get married out of state but it's near by but...ugh. So basically we're not really dealing with it right now. We're both busy with work, we've got holidays coming up, both our birthdays (maybe fall isn't a good time...), we're just being engaged and we'll get a date nailed down eventually.

This is of course going over about as well as a lead balloon. I know everyone is just excited and wants to know when we'll get married. But is there an actual time frame by which we should get a date nailed down? For instance, should we have a date 3 months after we get engaged? Do we get a whole year to pick a day? Are there even rules?

And then, how do we handle the questions? Is just saying "When we got a date, you'll know!" enough? Should we be firmer? Or should we be more relaxed?

We've also started a budget of X amount of money we'd like to save up before we start really digging into the planning. Is it ok to say "We're saving up some money before we nail down a date", or is that too much of hinting "give us money and you'll get a date"? Which isn't the case at all btw, we fully intend to fund this ourselves.

Outdoor Girl

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12873
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2013, 02:21:04 PM »
I know people who were engaged for YEARS before they set the date!

So your 'When we decide on a date, we'll let you know' is fine.

The fact that you have extra logistics to work out should be the clue to everyone else that this is going to take a while.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything about finances; it just gives the busybodies something to run with.  And then you'll have a whole new fight on your hands.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

NyaChan

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3959
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2013, 02:21:34 PM »
I know a couple who was engaged for 8+ years before they set a wedding date, so I think you are fine  :)  The only worry is that if you wait a considerable amount of time, like the 8+ couple, people may not be quite as excited as they were in the immediate aftermath of your engagement (which may not bother you in the slightest, but just in case...).

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5186
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2013, 02:24:00 PM »
Ask yourself why you care.  I don't mean that at all snarkily.  You can never please everyone all the time.  Some people will think you wait too long; some not long enough.  Some will think you spend too much money; some not enough.  Just make your decisions and own them. Take into account the opinions of people who matter to you, and discount all the rest.

I do think that once you announce your engagement it is to be expected that people will ask questions though so don't react negatively or assume the worst about people.  They are asking because they care.  Just don't let anyone's opinion matter to you if their opinion does not matter to you, if you get what I mean.  So what if Bob thinks you should have a date set within a month.  So what if Aunt Millie thinks you should have a BWW that costs $30K.

I edited to add that I got engaged May 31, 2013 and got married July 6, 2013.  As far as I know, everyone who is important to me is exceedingly happy for me.  If anyone thinks that engagement was too short, well, let them think that!  I think it was perfect, and thankfully, I am me so my decisions trump!
« Last Edit: October 09, 2013, 02:26:56 PM by TurtleDove »

dirtyweasel

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1354
  • Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2013, 02:26:49 PM »
DH and I were engaged for five years before we finally set a date.  I think if people ask you can just let them know that you haven't set a date yet because you're looking at your options.  Depending on the relationship to the person you can go into detail from there or talk about something else.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying that you are saving up money first.



lowspark

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3097
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2013, 02:31:22 PM »
When someone tells me they're engaged, after the initial congratulations & such, my first question is always, "have you set a date?" I think it's just the natural thing to ask. Sort of like when someone says they're pregnant, I want to know when they are due.

What is that? I dunno. Just curiosity I guess.  ;D

Anyway, my point is that I think it's just the natural question so take it with a grain of salt. There are no rules so take your time. My answer to this kind of thing is always totally dependent on who is asking. My immediate family, for example, would probably get a good explanation of why we're delaying. We're not sure about which state, we're saving money, but we're thinking about next fall -- or whatever. Because, well, they have a vested interest in the date since (I assume) they'll want to be there.

But someone with whom I'm just casually acquainted, coworkers, for example. I'd probably just say, no, we haven't set a date yet, still working out the logistics. Or something vague like that. Because those people are just asking out of curiosity and aren't looking to mark their calendar.

gingerzing

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 875
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2013, 02:31:41 PM »
I would keep with "we will let everyone know when we get a date"  or "we will send out 'Save the Date' cards when we get it figured out."    If you want to give a timeframe with some, you can say something like "we are thinking a fall wedding, but are still looking into a specific date and place" 

DH got me my ring in March and we got married the end of August, but I have known folks engaged for a couple years before they married.

sweetonsno

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1261
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2013, 02:33:38 PM »
I don't think there's a specific time frame, but I do think that most people would expect you to have at least a ballpark estimate. I think answering, "We don't have a particular date set, but we're thinking of a fall wedding."

jmarvellous

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3050
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2013, 02:34:27 PM »
We are not exactly romantics, but we actually didn't want news of our engagement (a very egalitarian thing where we mutually decided it was time to get married, no proposal) to spread until we'd set a firm date. We told our parents, siblings, and priest so we could ask them what dates were absolute nos, then firmed up the date with the priest, then told everyone.

It worked for us, but it's far from the only or the right way to do things (I don't even think there is one).

Some couples wait 10 years before their engagement, some elope without ever announcing it, some are engaged within a week of meeting and wait 10 years to get married. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. It works, or doesn't work, for reasons generally having little to do with the timeline. Be secure in your decision not to make  a decision yet!

For what it's worth, I think the average engagement is something like 18 months.

flickan

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 192
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #9 on: October 09, 2013, 02:49:58 PM »
The important thing is that you don't feel pressured to set a date.  Even a year of engagement flies by quickly.  Why not decide what kind of wedding you want and how elaborate and how much you want to spend first and then set a date, makes it a lot easier. 

But as for what to tell friends and family, just saying you'll let them know is fine!

MrTango

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2045
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #10 on: October 09, 2013, 02:50:46 PM »
If there is a time-frame in which you should get a date set for your wedding, that time frame is what you choose it to be and it's really no one else's business.

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21246
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #11 on: October 09, 2013, 02:54:38 PM »
Is it possible they are trying to get an idea so they can plan?  Thinking of the other thread where the poster was trying to plan a trip and was assured there would be no conflict, only to be scolded because there is a conflict, people might be trying to get an idea if they can go ahead and plan their cruise for next spring or the like.

BeagleMommy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2782
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #12 on: October 09, 2013, 03:02:15 PM »
As far as I know, there is no "ticking clock" regarding the time you set a wedding date.  Whatever works for you is best.

When people ask you can simply say "We're working that out and will let everyone know when we've set a date".

oogyda

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3583
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #13 on: October 09, 2013, 03:12:34 PM »
When someone tells me they're engaged, after the initial congratulations & such, my first question is always, "have you set a date?" I think it's just the natural thing to ask. Sort of like when someone says they're pregnant, I want to know when they are due.

What is that? I dunno. Just curiosity I guess.  ;D

Anyway, my point is that I think it's just the natural question so take it with a grain of salt. There are no rules so take your time. My answer to this kind of thing is always totally dependent on who is asking. My immediate family, for example, would probably get a good explanation of why we're delaying. We're not sure about which state, we're saving money, but we're thinking about next fall -- or whatever. Because, well, they have a vested interest in the date since (I assume) they'll want to be there.

But someone with whom I'm just casually acquainted, coworkers, for example. I'd probably just say, no, we haven't set a date yet, still working out the logistics. Or something vague like that. Because those people are just asking out of curiosity and aren't looking to mark their calendar.

I agree that it comes out of natural curiosity.  I also think "Have you set a date?" comes across differently from "What's the date?" or "When's the wedding?".  It allows for a wider span of time to do that step or make that decision.  It just seems less demanding.
It's not what we gather along the way that matters.  It's what we scatter.

cwm

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2427
Re: Is there a ticking clock?
« Reply #14 on: October 09, 2013, 04:06:19 PM »
There's no ticking clock, but some people think that if you don't get married within a certain timeframe, then you might as well not be married and just stay engaged. (Please note, I don't think this, but I've heard the views expressed by dozens of people over the years.)

I think the best way to answer it is to say you're waiting for the right time. It's vague enough that you're not giving them anything to argue about, while still showing you are thinking about it and planning on going forward.