Author Topic: Cut direct from half a couple?  (Read 4750 times)

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English1

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Cut direct from half a couple?
« on: October 10, 2013, 05:42:20 AM »
This is a situation I was in quite a few years ago and wondered if I handled it right? Or if my then partner was right?

BG
A woman I'd worked with briefly got back in touch with me - call her E - and we went to lunch a few times. She was very 'flakey' and had some problems (kept losing jobs all the time, was generally just a bit 'off' in her behaviour both when I'd worked with her and when we met, but seemed harmless enough). I was single at the time and she introduced me to a man she'd just met (T), and we started dating :-). On my second date with T I told him that although I knew E she wasn't a close friend (E gave him the impression we were best buddies) and although I liked her I didn't want to get any closer as she had too many issues.Things got serious between T and I. She had been in a very unhappy marriage (again lots of issues) and she then told us they'd separated but still shared house, and she started seeing another man, X. All four of us would go out maybe once or twice a month.

What happened a few months later
I got a phone call one Sunday morning from her furious husband demanding to know where she was, very nasty and threatening, when I said I had no idea where she was he said he'd call the police and I'd be in trouble as I was the last person to have seen her alive! Told him to do what he liked at put phone down. Piecing everything together it was clear she'd not been separated at all, she was having an affair, and was telling husband she was staying at my house every time she went off with X and using me as an alibi without my knowledge. She had never been to my house at all. I then was harrassed by husband over several days, very abusive phone calls, he also had my name and address and my son's name and kept saying 'I'll come round to see you, and see your son' in a threatening way. I ended up having to get the police involved but once they spoke to him he left me alone. Policeman came to see me and asked how good a friend E was to me, told him harldy knew her, he then advised me to have nothing to do with her in future as they were well known to police, constant drama/fights/violence etc.  E called me a few days later and apologised, said her husband had found her address book to get my number and details. I told her that I felt sorry for her situation but I did not want any further contact with her.

T thought I was wrong. That this was a woman who hadn't meant to cause me trouble (T never accepted I had any real reason to be scared of E's husband, which I was) and she needed help and he kept talking about Christian forgiveness.
T did keep talking to E, and I was persuaded to meet up with them all one more time. I was not happy about it but it seemed to satisfy T and there was no more contact between us all after that.

Was I rude to do the cut direct on someone who was clearly unstable and had problems, probably needed help?

(P.S. T is now an ex)
« Last Edit: October 10, 2013, 05:45:40 AM by English1 »

Iris

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2013, 05:51:39 AM »
I think you did the right thing and frankly I'm glad T is an ex. The lack of respect he showed for your fears and feelings - especially your fears - would wave a massive red flag at me.
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atirial

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2013, 05:56:25 AM »
I tink you did the right thing. The woman had already lied about you, and keeping in contact would seem unwise - especially since it is against police advice. This sounds like a safety as well as an etiquette matter.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2013, 06:48:42 AM »
I definitely think you did the right thing. I would have been furious with her, putting me and my child in that position by using me as an alibi without my consent or even my knowledge, as well as lying to me while she had an affair. 
 
I'm also glad that T's an ex.  I hate when people pull that "Christian forgiveness" line to try and guilt others into staying in dysfunctional relationships, be they romantic, friendships or family.  You can forgive someone while still protecting yourself by keeping your distance. (Though in all truth I'd have a hard time forgiving her for a while)

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YummyMummy66

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2013, 06:59:23 AM »
You were not wrong and I am glad that T is now an ex. 

E and her husband were clearly trouble in the making and probably still are.

Goosey

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2013, 08:20:22 AM »
Christian forgiveness sometimes means forgiving from afar. It's perfectly rational to forgive someone but know that further contact with them would be damaging to you.

You felt threatened and scared and that friend put you in that situation - putting you in the middle of her marital problems. There is no good reason to continue to allow her to do that to you.

Glad T is an ex.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #6 on: October 10, 2013, 08:51:44 AM »
This doesn't sound like the cut direct (which is when you snub someone to their face, pretending they're not there) - it's cutting someone out of your life and that's perfectly healthy in situations like this.

bopper

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2013, 08:59:40 AM »
You were totally and completely right.

It's like she was a skunk and you started smelling something off and kept your distance.
T was like "but it is a cute animal!' and is ignoring the fact that a skunk can spray at any moment.

Twik

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #8 on: October 10, 2013, 10:00:34 AM »
Christian forgiveness does not necessarily mean putting yourself in danger for people who will not appreciate your efforts, which I believe is what would happen if you continued to get involved with E. If T wants to deal with the Husband of Doom, he may choose to play White Knight on his own time, and see where it gets him.
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Zilla

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2013, 10:33:35 AM »
All I can say, good thing T is an ex and you absolutely did the right thing.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #10 on: October 10, 2013, 10:33:50 AM »
You were totally and completely right.

It's like she was a skunk and you started smelling something off and kept your distance.
T was like "but it is a cute animal!' and is ignoring the fact that a skunk can spray at any moment.

This expresses the situation perfectly.

Personally, I would have stayed away from her on the grounds of sheer stupidity.  If you want an alibi, you have to let the alibi know so they can back you up.  Sheesh!
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Hmmmmm

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #11 on: October 10, 2013, 12:51:32 PM »
This doesn't sound like the cut direct (which is when you snub someone to their face, pretending they're not there) - it's cutting someone out of your life and that's perfectly healthy in situations like this.

This. There was no cut direct.

You quit hanging out with someone who brought unneccessary drama into your life. That happens all the time amongst people and is fully within your right. I'm not even sure there is an etiquette issue here.

katycoo

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #12 on: October 10, 2013, 09:17:39 PM »
"Christian forgiveness" does not require you to maintain a friendship with someone who lied to you and used you as an alibi to her abusive/violent husband without your knowledge.

I wouldn't want to be friends with her anymore either, redgardless of how much I sympathised with her situation.

And I think T was awfully rude to be so dismissive of your feelings on the matter.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #13 on: October 10, 2013, 10:36:59 PM »
This doesn't sound like the cut direct (which is when you snub someone to their face, pretending they're not there) - it's cutting someone out of your life and that's perfectly healthy in situations like this.

This. There was no cut direct.

You quit hanging out with someone who brought unneccessary drama into your life. That happens all the time amongst people and is fully within your right. I'm not even sure there is an etiquette issue here.

I agree. It seems more of a relationship issue between you and T. (If Partner A wants nothing to do with another person, should their Partner B continue being friends with that person?)

sweetonsno

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Re: Cut direct from half a couple?
« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2013, 12:56:00 AM »
I think you made the right choice. I'm also glad that you're no longer with T... I don't take kindly to people being dismissive of my concerns.

There's no rule that says that you have to be friends with all of your partner's friends, or that you always have to socialize with them. In some cases, I do think it's nice to go to events and be civil (but not friendly), but a double date with someone who lied about me and someone who threatened me? No thank you.

I think T is probably right and E needed help, but that doesn't obligate you to be the one to provide it.