Author Topic: Single Person RSVPs  (Read 3435 times)

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quietgirl

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Single Person RSVPs
« on: October 10, 2013, 10:27:06 AM »
As a single person invited to a party where the host extends the invitation to families and spouses, is it rude to bring a friend?  Does it depend on the circumstances? 

Here's 2 examples where I did and didn't bring a friend:

Example 1:  A friend had a smallish party in his house.  I knew almost all the attendees and came solo.
Example 2:  A different friend had a very large party in his backyard.  I knew less than half of the attendees and brought a friend.  I did rsvp for 2 and this particular host was fine with it.  (Definitely a "more the merrier" type.)

I guess a nice follow up question would be, as a host should you consider extending your invitation to allow single friends a guest when you hold a "family and spouses" type party?

I'm just curious of what ehell thinks.  I personally would never bring an extra person if the host wasn't on board with it.

Zilla

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2013, 10:30:46 AM »
It's like what you said precisely in your two scenarios, it's a case by case basis.   Some hosts think it's rude to ask if you can add to their guest list and others are the more the merrier and still others will feel put on the spot and say yes but not want to.  Etc Etc.


So it's a know your audience and it seems like you got it right on the mark.  ;D

NyaChan

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2013, 10:33:56 AM »
The only people who get to show up at a hosted event are the people invited.  The host should be telling you when extending your invitation whether you get a +1 or not.  I'm guessing since you are posting that your hosts in these examples aren't explicitly addressing the issue unless you bring it up huh?  Then it comes down to whether they aren't saying it on purpose because only you are invited or if they just don't realize that they need to be more specific, which you'd probably get from the type of party and group norms.  Are other singles attending alone? 

Ex: 1 - No guest, and I don't think it would be appropriate to ask to bring someone
Ex: 2 - If it seems like an open party a la college days, then I don't think it would be inappropriate to ask if this is that sort of event. 

As Zilla said, some people do think it is rude to ask and may feel put on the spot, so ask with caution and some breeziness.

veronaz

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2013, 10:41:29 AM »
Most hosts (including myself) will indicate on the invitation “Mary Jones and Guest), especially is they are asking for an RSVP.

If the invitation is in person, via phone, or email they say “You can bring a date/guest”.

However, if they don’t indicate that and the invitee wants to bring a guest/friend, the invitee should contact the host and ask if it’s okay.......with the understanding that it might not be okay.  When invited to a party or even just to someone’s house for dinner, imo it’s rude to just show up with a friend without clearing it with the host.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2013, 10:44:25 AM by veronaz »

cwm

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2013, 10:54:56 AM »
I was a weird +1 once. Best friend V was invited to a wedding because her boyfriend at the time was part of the wedding party. She was technically his +1 because she didn't get a separate invite. I had been with her all weekend and was in a bad place, not wanting to be alone, so she called the bride (whom she knew casually) and asked if I could come along as well.

This was a very casual wedding, at a public park and with a potluck reception afterwards. If it had been a formal affair I wouldn't have even let V call, but in this case it worked out.

Weirdly enough, that's where I met my boyfriend, he was also in the wedding party.

So yes, depending on the situation and the formality/intimateness of the party, it can be okay to ask for someone else to come, but as long as you're not snotty if you're told no, I don't see it being a problem to ask if you can bring a friend.

lowspark

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2013, 10:56:08 AM »
I think this is totally "know your audience" and "depends on the situation".

I'm a "the more the merrior" kind of host, and my friends all know that. So I've often gotten asked if it's ok to bring someone additional which is fine. Or suggested it myself if, for example, someone has a friend/relative visiting from out of town during the date of the party.

However, I would not be amenable to extra guests if it was a seated dinner party where I've got limited space at the table. So even I, who would almost always welcome extras with open arms, would have to say no sometimes, and in those cases, rare though they are, I'd prefer not to be put on the spot in the first place. In that kind of case, I'd rather invite the single alone, or ask if they wanted to bring a guest when I made the invitation.

So not only do you have to take into account the host you are asking, but also what the specific circumstance of the event is.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #6 on: October 10, 2013, 11:42:51 AM »
I think it is definitely a case by case thing.

A formal event with formal invitations?  If it doesn't say 'And guest', don't even ask.  Only you are invited.

A friend's dinner party?  Again, if the invite doesn't say 'And guest', only you are invited.  It is too small a group to bring someone who might not be known to the group.  The host(ess) may have invited another single to balance the table.  Or isn't worried about balancing the table.

A friend's backyard party/casual party?  Wouldn't bother me at all if a guest asked if they could bring a friend.  But if that friend turned out to be a complete boor, I wouldn't give the guest that privilege again.  And guest wouldn't be invited again, either, unless there were sufficient apologies from them.  (I'm thinking about the guy who cruised down to the end of the buffet table geared towards the kids and took massive quantities of that food, as detailed in another thread.)

For example, one of my ball teams was potentially planning a party on a weekend I might have had a friend visiting.  I let the potential host know that I'd be bringing her.  But it was a potluck, BYOB, totally casual party and I knew she would fit right in with the group.  If it had been someone who wouldn't fit in with the group, I'd have sent my regrets.

I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

quietgirl

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2013, 12:51:54 PM »
Just to clarify, I'm talking only about parties that are "bring your family & spouse" type of events.   

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #8 on: October 10, 2013, 01:05:22 PM »
But you as a single person don't have a family or a spouse.  So if you were the only one listed on the invitation, you are the only one invited.  It is a case by case thing where it would be acceptable to ask if you could bring a friend.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

Mrs. Tilney

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2013, 01:06:36 PM »
Like a work event, for example? My department director has a party each summer at her house; it's pretty informal--we each bring a dish and she provides the hot dogs and hamburgers. We are asked to RSVP, and the invitation is for employees and family. I once brought my roommate (and RSVP'd as such) because I had talked enough about my coworkers that I wanted him to meet them face-to-face. ;) In that sense, he was my date, though we weren't romantically involved.

Generally, though, I come alone. If I had a friend visiting from out of town, though, I wouldn't hesitate to bring him or her.

shhh its me

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #10 on: October 10, 2013, 01:07:31 PM »
I think its a know your audience and circumstance but if you ask " can I bring  X "/ RSVP for 2 and the host is offended you will always be the person who was rude.   

BTW yes I think "bring your husband/wife and kids "  I would also hear yes you can bring a date.

blarg314

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #11 on: October 10, 2013, 08:52:42 PM »

In general, no, you can't phone up the host of an event and ask if you can bring someone to the party who wasn't invited, and the fact that you're single doesn't change that. It would be fine, though, to check if the invitation also included an SO (but not a random date - it should be someone who you've been dating long enough to include in your social circle already), because invitations that includes spouses are often also intended to include SOs.

I was single until my mid-30s, and I rarely found that parties were uncomfortable to attend without a +1. The only exception would be something like a dinner where couples stuck together and talked to each other, and singles were left without someone to talk to. But that was pretty rare. I was much more likely to be irritated when the conversations segregated by gender.

*inviteseller

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #12 on: October 10, 2013, 09:04:07 PM »
If your invitation has only your name on it, or if they call and only ask you, then only you are being invited.  To me it is rude to respond to an invitation, no matter what the occasion, by asking if you can bring someone with you.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #13 on: October 10, 2013, 09:08:17 PM »
I think some parties are structured so that *any* guest would be welcome to bring a friend - in those cases, absolutely bring someone (romantic or otherwise).  In other circumstances, I would only ask if I were planning to bring a romantic partner, in a "come meet all my friends now that we're serious" kind of thing.  I do think it's rude to bring a guest solely because you don't trust the other company to be up to your standards.

Sharnita

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #14 on: October 10, 2013, 09:10:44 PM »
I will say that other guests and the hosts should not be so into their spouse/family that they can't converse with you.