Author Topic: Single Person RSVPs  (Read 3555 times)

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dirtyweasel

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #15 on: October 10, 2013, 09:27:01 PM »

In general, no, you can't phone up the host of an event and ask if you can bring someone to the party who wasn't invited, and the fact that you're single doesn't change that. It would be fine, though, to check if the invitation also included an SO (but not a random date - it should be someone who you've been dating long enough to include in your social circle already), because invitations that includes spouses are often also intended to include SOs.


I tend to agree with this.  I don't think it's really polite to call someone up asking for an invite when the invitation has only your name on it.  I hosted a dinner a few years ago where someone did this to me and I felt put on the spot so I said yes. 



flickan

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #16 on: October 10, 2013, 09:51:46 PM »
I've probably been rude about this in the past because I don't like going places alone and I don't like being in large groups of people, so a friend is my safety net when it comes to events.  I've even brought a friend to family Christmas.  That was one I shoehorned a guest into, I admit.  Very bad on my part. 

Before I was married if I got a plus one on a wedding invite I always brought a friend, not a date.  That way I had someone to focus on and talk to in case talking to strangers proved an insurmountable challenge.  It was also nice to have someone to dance with.

Now that I'm older I would say it's a case by case basis but if you have to ask you probably shouldn't do it.

Owly

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #17 on: October 11, 2013, 01:17:41 AM »
Just to clarify, I'm talking only about parties that are "bring your family & spouse" type of events.   

Wouldn't that be most parties, at least as far as "bring your spouse" goes? A married couple is a social unit, so they're going to be invited together for most events. If you're single, then your social unit is just yourself. Hosts aren't obligated to let you bring a random extra person. They can if they want, but I wouldn't say they "should".

Owly

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #18 on: October 11, 2013, 01:26:59 AM »
That was somewhat poorly worded. Quietgirl, I know you're not saying anyone should be obligated to let you bring an extra person. What I mean is, I would personally consider it to be "above & beyond" rather than "something they should consider".

gellchom

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #19 on: October 11, 2013, 02:38:19 PM »
My view on this is very similar to Lowspark's and Outdoor Girl's.

Maybe a good way to look at it is this: if only you are invited, then only you are invited, and you should not ask if you can bring someone else.  BUT -- as with most rules, there are times when it's okay to violate it (I mean by asking, not by just showing up with someone else -- that's never okay).

And those times tend to be very casual situations with very close friends.  So:

     - For something like a wedding, or really anything with a formal invitation, even of a very close friend or relative, I would not ask if I could bring someone.  (I have had a couple of my own cousins ask if they could bring someone, and I did say okay, and I didn't mind, but really I still think they shouldn't have done it.  The only time I think it is okay is when the person you are asking to bring is someone to whom you are very likely to become engaged soon, and it's time to introduce them to the family.  In that case, I think it's not only okay to ask, I think it's a good idea!  It's practically an announcement, though, so I'd be doubly careful not to ask if it's just a date or even a boy/girlfriend.)  An elderly or handicapped guest asking if a helper can come doesn't count.

-  For something like an open house or party in the park, I would ask only if the hosts were good friends and I was fairly sure it would be no problem.  But I wouldn't do it even then just so I'd have an escort rather than come alone.  I'd do it if, say, it was an out of town guest or a person new to town that I thought should meet this crowd and vice-versa.  I also have asked a friend who gives big parties if my daughter, who was visiting from out of town and with whom she has a relationship, could come too -- because I was sure that if she had known my daughter was in town, she would have invited her in the first place.  And finally, there are times like Halloween, Fourth of July, and New Year when lots of people give open house style parties and it's sort of understood that guests will be kind of making the rounds of more than one -- ordinarily a no-no, but not so much on those days -- so if you are making the rounds with someone else, I think it's okay to ask if you can bring them, too.

- The really tricky part is something like a dinner party.  In that case, if the host were a VERY close friend, I might, in the case of the new person in town who would fit in so well, mention that and ask if they would like to invite them, too.  If I had out of town guests, what I would do (and have done) even with a close friend would be to say that we have a conflict because these guests are coming.  Then it's up to the hosts to say either "Bring them!" or "Oh, too bad, another time, then," without being placed on the spot by being asked.

BUT: in all these situations, it isn't ever okay to ask if you can bring a guest of your own just so you, too, like people with families and spouses, get to bring someone.  That implies that the other people at the party aren't interesting enough company for you or that the hosts' event is not worth your time unless you can make a date out of it.  If you feel awkward arriving alone, ask who else is invited that you could call to ride with.

GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #20 on: October 11, 2013, 04:53:42 PM »
Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but I read the question more along the lines of is it ok to bring someone you aren't romantically involved with when the host has already said it's ok to bring someone.

So Mary gets an invite that says Mary and Joe Smith, cause they're married, so of course Mary and Joe are coming together. And then Sue gets one that says Sue and Guest, so Sue's bringing her boyfriend Mark. So then Quietgirl gets a Queitgirl and guest invite too, but she isn't dating anyone so she brings her friend Jill instead of going alone. Even though Quietgirl and Jill aren't in a relationship. Which I think is totally ok and couldn't imagine why it'd be wrong (I brought many friends instead of dates when I was single, I had way more serious relationships with my friends then whomever I was kind of vaguely dating).

I can understand phoning a host you know fairly well whose hosting a party filled with people you might not know and just casually asking if it might be alirght if you're friend Jill came along. Heck say she's heard so much about Host and she'd love to get to meet them (I know in my group of friends this happens a lot). If it's a matter of "Everyone else gets to bring a date/kid/wife/husband/whatever" and you feel excluded being single well then, I can understand that too (I was focusing on school while my friends were busy coupling up, so I was often the odd woman out), but sometimes as the single girl you have to suck it up. Now if you started feeling excluded at the party because you aren't married with 2.3 kids yet, well then you're hosts are rude for not making sure to include you.

Also, do remember, you do in fact have a family. It might not fit the idea of what a family should look like, but even if it's just you, you are a family. And I'm sure many friends consider you family as well (at least that's how it works in my social circle, I'm an only child and still auntie to many young children).

hobish

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #21 on: October 11, 2013, 05:43:59 PM »
Just to clarify, I'm talking only about parties that are "bring your family & spouse" type of events.   

Going with the know your audience type thing ... in my friends, and even with most of my family bringing someone along would be fine. There was one party i had last year where one of my guests actually invited three other people. One came with him and his girlfriend, another was a friend he hadn't seen in years, so ahe came over with her boyfriend ... it was unusual, but we all had a really great time. But again, the audience, we're really quite casual about things like that.
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Lynn2000

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #22 on: October 11, 2013, 09:05:35 PM »
So, say you're planning a party, casual but not an open house. You invite Amy and Adam (married); Betty, Bob, and their two kids; Carl and Claire (seriously dating); Debbie and her mom Donna, who live together and often socialize together; etc.. So, not being strict about "only social units"--definitely welcoming of close family members, kids, general SOs, etc..

Then, there's Elizabeth. Single as far as you know, lives alone, no kids, doesn't really socialize with her parents with your crowd, etc.. Knowing who else you're inviting, should you invite "Elizabeth and guest," thus allowing her to bring a totally platonic friend or perhaps potential/new SO you didn't know about? And on the flip side, if you're Elizabeth and you realize who else is on the guest list and the general tone of the party, is it okay to ask your host if you can bring such a guest?

Well, obviously, as host you can invite anyone you want. To me, though this gathering is not formal, I'm picturing it as a group of people who are fairly comfortable together, probably all met before, or at the very least the host knows them all fairly well and feels they'll get along well. As host I would feel a little weird about extending Elizabeth an "and guest" invitation, since she would most likely bring someone who's a stranger to me, and although I'm sure Elizabeth has good taste in friends, maybe I don't want to add that unknown factor into my party. (If Elizabeth had a friend, Felicia, that she socialized with sometimes and that I'd met and liked, I'd just extend the invitation specifically to Elizabeth and Felicia.)

I certainly wouldn't feel obligated to give Elizabeth an "and guest" just because I realize she's the only one who would turn up alone. If she called and asked about "someone special" she'd like to bring to the party, I'd be thrilled and invite them. But if she called and asked about "just" a friend, with the vibe that she felt awkward coming alone when everyone else had someone, well, to be honest I would probably say yes, but more because I felt put on the spot than because I was really okay with it. I would wish she hadn't asked, really.

And I say this as an Elizabeth myself--if someone gave me an "and guest" I wouldn't even know what to do with it, honestly. I'd turn up alone anyway, I'm sure.
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lowspark

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #23 on: October 14, 2013, 08:43:06 AM »
I've never heard of issuing an "and guest" invitation to anything other than a formal event such as a wedding. If I were having a backyard barbecue or dinner & games night, for example, events to which I'd be inviting couples or family units, it simply would not occur to me to specify "and guest" to any single friends.

But I gotta say that I would be inviting a group of people who either already know each other or whom I think would mesh well, single, married, or whatever.

If the single guest (or anyone for that matter) wants to bring a friend along because they think they'll fit in well, or because they're visiting from out of town or something along those lines, great! Bring 'em along!

If they want to bring someone because they don't want to be the only single person there, or because they're afraid they won't have someone to talk to otherwise, well, then, not so much. I mean, that doesn't say much about them (can't they mingle at a friendly casual party?) or about what they think of me (my parties are dull or unfriendly).

I get it about not knowing a lot of people at the party and wanting to feel comfortable. But it's just a few hours. Surely you can chat with the folks there, familiar and not. Maybe you'll make a new friend, who knows. I'm pretty comfortable talking to people I've never met before so that is where I'm coming from and I know not everyone's like that. But if the prospect of going to a party where you know at least some of the people, even if not the majority, is not attractive such that you feel the need to bring a companion just for the sake of company, then maybe the party isn't really something you want to go to in the first place.

gellchom

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #24 on: October 14, 2013, 12:48:04 PM »
That was a good post, Lowspark.

There's another reason not to ask to bring a guest if it's just so you don't have to come alone.  If that guest doesn't know the hosts or others at the party, then you can't just dump them when you get there -- you will need to pay attention to them pretty much of the time, rather than mingle freely with the other guests.  And that will make you a poor guest. 

If your guest does know the hosts and the other people there, then it's awkward for the hosts, who didn't invite them themselves.  (If there's some good reason they didn't invite them, then it's REALLY awkward!)

Another Sarah

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Re: Single Person RSVPs
« Reply #25 on: October 15, 2013, 07:17:05 AM »
I think the only time I might think about doing this was at a particularly couply event, eg a dinner party for three sets of couples and me, where it would be very obvious that I was odd man out.
However, I'd expect the host to ask me if I wanted to bring someone to something like that, and if I knew the people in attendance, I wouldn't be bothered about being the single girl at the table