Author Topic: Another wedding question!  (Read 1666 times)

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GlitterIsMyDrug

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Another wedding question!
« on: October 11, 2013, 02:51:25 PM »
So I have a lot of really great friends who live abroad, and while we haven't exactly worked out logistics we will be getting married in the states. I know most of them can't afford to travel this far just to see us get hitched, nor would most of them want to (they love us, but gee that's a lot of time/money).

So, here's the etiquette question, do I still invite them? I'd love to have them at the wedding. I talk to them often, and I feel they're important people in my life. But Partner worries (and I feel she has a valid point), it'll look like a gift grab. Sort of, we're inviting you even though we know you won't be able to make it but will feel obligated to send us a gift anyways. Which isn't the point to me at all. I don't care if anyone, attending or not, gives us anything other then a "Congratulations!", maybe a hug if they come (I like hugs). One had I don't want to snub them with a non-invite, on the other hand I don't want them to feel obligated to get us a gift.

TurtleDove

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2013, 02:58:16 PM »
I would send them an invitation with a handwritten note explaining what you did here, perhaps using different language.  Maybe:

Hi OverseasFriend!  You are special to me and will be with me in spirit even if the ocean between us prevents you from attending in person (though if you can make it that would make my day even more fantastic!).  Your friendship and support is a blessing to me and the best gift you could provide. Thanks for being in my life! 

cwm

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2013, 03:02:15 PM »
I would send them an invitation with a handwritten note explaining what you did here, perhaps using different language.  Maybe:

Hi OverseasFriend!  You are special to me and will be with me in spirit even if the ocean between us prevents you from attending in person (though if you can make it that would make my day even more fantastic!).  Your friendship and support is a blessing to me and the best gift you could provide. Thanks for being in my life!

I really like this wording.

Also, they might surprise you and be able to make it, which would be awesome for everyone involved.

White Lotus

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2013, 03:02:47 PM »
I think traditionally you'd send announcements, but since you do want them there if they can make it, I like writing them (email, phone call) with what TurtleDove said, announcing your engagement, and wedding invitations when you are ready to send them.  Best wishes to you both, BTW.

WillyNilly

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2013, 03:04:05 PM »
with people you speak to often, if you are close, you could always just ask. I presume you are far from your wedding at the moment (its looking like next year, yes?) So at some point probably the wedding will come up in conversation long before you send invites At that time just ask "hey so I wanted to ask you, would you like an invite? I absolutely would love if you could come although certainly I understand if you can't. I don't want to send one and have you feel any pressure, but if you think you'd consider it at any level..." If they are friends just keep it a casual conversation. I'm sure they will understand. And that way people who might consider it on any level will say "yes I would love to attend, I'm not sure if I can but I'd like to try" and those who definitely won't will say "oh thank you so much but I really won't be able to make it..."

Magnet

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2013, 03:15:20 PM »
1) Congratulations.

2)  You sound like a great woman and I like your attitude.

3) If it were me, I would send an invitation because it is (for most of us) "the" formal announcement of our wedding and we put a lot of time and effort in the invitation.  I know I did.

4) I like the idea of a handwritten note to overseas guests (or anyone you know now can't make it) saying that they are important to you but you understand if they cannot make it, and all you require is their best wishes.  Then, sit back and see how many decide that your wedding is the perfect time to visit Destination X that is close to your wedding site.

EllenS

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2013, 03:26:17 PM »
According to Miss Manners, the ultimate in formal wedding invitations IS a handwritten letter. Engraving and printing were originally cheaper substitutes to save time.

SamiHami

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2013, 03:49:05 PM »
I suggest sending the invitation to anyone that you would like to have attend, but no note. It's not for you to decide whether or not they can afford it or are willing to travel that far.  You can't possibly know if any of them had been thinking of traveling to the states anyway for a vacation and maybe they'll be sure to time it so they can attend. Or perhaps some have come into a small windfall and can suddenly afford it. Or perhaps they feel more strongly for you than you realize and would feel it's important to attend. Or any one of many other scenarios. In other words, don't make assumptions about other peoples' situations. You may think you know everything about them, but you really don't-especially if they live in a different country.

If you must include a note, I would simply say that you would love for them to attend if possible, but completely understand if they are unable to. The issue of whether or not they send a gift is not one you should be pondering. That's their decision. And if these are people that care about you, they'll know it's not a gift grab! So I say send your invites and have a wonderful wedding and be glad for whoever is able to make it!  :)

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JeanFromBNA

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2013, 04:15:56 PM »
I think that hurt feelings could come from perceived exclusion.  Let them decide if they are able to make it.  If someone thinks that they were only invited for a gift, what kind of a friend are they?

CakeEater

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2013, 04:21:23 PM »
I suggest sending the invitation to anyone that you would like to have attend, but no note. It's not for you to decide whether or not they can afford it or are willing to travel that far.  You can't possibly know if any of them had been thinking of traveling to the states anyway for a vacation and maybe they'll be sure to time it so they can attend. Or perhaps some have come into a small windfall and can suddenly afford it. Or perhaps they feel more strongly for you than you realize and would feel it's important to attend. Or any one of many other scenarios. In other words, don't make assumptions about other peoples' situations. You may think you know everything about them, but you really don't-especially if they live in a different country.

If you must include a note, I would simply say that you would love for them to attend if possible, but completely understand if they are unable to. The issue of whether or not they send a gift is not one you should be pondering. That's their decision. And if these are people that care about you, they'll know it's not a gift grab! So I say send your invites and have a wonderful wedding and be glad for whoever is able to make it!  :)

I agree with this.

One of my friends was married a 27-hour plane trip away from me, and I really thought hard about how I could possibly get there, but it just wan't feasible in the end. I would really have liked to go and was very happy to send a gift. I would have felt a bit snubbed not to have been invited at all.

lowspark

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2013, 04:25:03 PM »
I suggest sending the invitation to anyone that you would like to have attend, but no note. It's not for you to decide whether or not they can afford it or are willing to travel that far.  You can't possibly know if any of them had been thinking of traveling to the states anyway for a vacation and maybe they'll be sure to time it so they can attend. Or perhaps some have come into a small windfall and can suddenly afford it. Or perhaps they feel more strongly for you than you realize and would feel it's important to attend. Or any one of many other scenarios. In other words, don't make assumptions about other peoples' situations. You may think you know everything about them, but you really don't-especially if they live in a different country.

If you must include a note, I would simply say that you would love for them to attend if possible, but completely understand if they are unable to. The issue of whether or not they send a gift is not one you should be pondering. That's their decision. And if these are people that care about you, they'll know it's not a gift grab! So I say send your invites and have a wonderful wedding and be glad for whoever is able to make it!  :)

I agree 100% with this.
Main points:
-- invite those whom you'd like to have there
-- don't assume. anything.
-- "if these are people that care about you, they'll know it's not a gift grab"

nuit93

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2013, 04:38:28 PM »
I think that hurt feelings could come from perceived exclusion.  Let them decide if they are able to make it.  If someone thinks that they were only invited for a gift, what kind of a friend are they?

I agree.  I think it's best to send the invite and hope for the best.  If they know you well they should know better than to assume it's a gift grab (at least I don't tend to assume that if invited to a wedding I can't make).

hobish

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2013, 05:25:10 PM »
I would send them an invitation with a handwritten note explaining what you did here, perhaps using different language.  Maybe:

Hi OverseasFriend!  You are special to me and will be with me in spirit even if the ocean between us prevents you from attending in person (though if you can make it that would make my day even more fantastic!).  Your friendship and support is a blessing to me and the best gift you could provide. Thanks for being in my life!

You know, i was originally thinking announcements, but this is just beautiful.
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mspallaton

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2013, 05:44:52 PM »
I have an offbeat suggestion - if you are tech savvy.  I have a good friend who did a live streaming broadcast of her wedding (with passwords so it didn't just go out to the whole internet).  She wanted to keep it small (50-60 people) and it was several states away from where we work together. 

So, instead, with help from another tech savvy coworker, she set up the live stream and hosted a very small appetizer reception where it was streaming.  She also specifically requested no gifts from the remote participants and sent out separate invites with their details.

I'm not sure if your friends are scattered or in a single separate location - but it was incredibly unique and allowed us to share her day with her without having to travel. 

Not to mention that while she did set up a mini-reception for us, it could have been viewed from anywhere and details of the webcast were on the invite.

So - if you have time and are tech savvy (or have friends who are), I might recommend that option.  That would allow them to share your day, even if they don't have the money or time off work to attend in person. 

peaches

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Re: Another wedding question!
« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2013, 05:59:25 PM »
I would send invitations to friends and loved ones you'd love to have at your wedding, and not worry about whether or not they can/could/might come.

We've had weddings in our family and relatives that we knew (for health reasons or due to expense) weren't likely to come. But we invited them anyway. It would be like leaving them out of the celebration entirely not to send an invitation. Many of my elderly relatives love to read and save the invitations, even if they can't attend.