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Author Topic: Cold shoulder from relatives not involved in dispute  (Read 10730 times)

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Re: Cold shoulder from relatives not involved in dispute
« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2013, 10:23:23 PM »
Having thought about it, I don’t think the other relatives agree with them.  In fact, I happen to know that a couple people agree with me about the issue itself.  I think it’s a matter of “How dare Veronaz insult/hurt/disagree with (subject relatives)?  Everyone knows they are perfect people.”

Then I think it's important for you not to assume that you know what those other relatives are thinking, or why.

I think if you care about them, then you might make a specific attempt to say to them, "I've tried several times to get in touch, and I get no reply. I confess I am feeling deliberately rejected. I hope that's not so, since I can think of nothing that might drive a wedge between us.
   "Would you call me to reassure me? Or, if my worst fears are indeed true, would you tell me what as come between us?"

I like this if indeed you want to continue talking to the people that are ignoring you.  Give them the chance to tell you if they are indeed ignoring you and why, if so.


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Re: Cold shoulder from relatives not involved in dispute
« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2013, 10:34:09 PM »
It's obvious that these people aren't interested in hearing your side of the story, or even maintaining contact.  Why should you have to beg for their attention?  After all, if they are willing to cut you off just like that, then it says more about them than about you.  Perhaps you're better off without those people in your life.

I'm inclined to agree.

Two years of coolness towards me immediately following my dispute with a couple they are close to......they've had plenty of time to reply, just say "Hello", etc.

I'm not looking for an explanation.  I doubt I would get an honest answer anyway.


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Re: Cold shoulder from relatives not involved in dispute
« Reply #17 on: October 14, 2013, 09:18:08 PM »
Proceed as normal. That's the way to "take the high road." Anyone who snubs you on the basis of gossip isn't worth worrying about, family or not.
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.


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Re: Cold shoulder from relatives not involved in dispute
« Reply #18 on: October 14, 2013, 09:34:19 PM »
Yeah, and like I said I'm not looking for an explanation or reassurance.  These aren't people I run into at family gatherings anyway.  Just folks who (prior to all this) it was nice to keep in touch with.  Life goes on.

Reminds me of jr high…..Suzie and Bambi had a fight so Suzie’s clique stopped speaking to Bambi and have frozen Bambi out of the lunchroom table group.
 ::) I don’t need that.


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Re: Cold shoulder from relatives not involved in dispute
« Reply #19 on: October 15, 2013, 12:47:06 AM »
I'm in a similar boat to yours. On my mother's side of the family (very large extended family) the mentality is that they freeze out anyone who doesn't fall in line. It's like a gang mentality.

After a lifetime of it, I stopped putting up with my parents' abusive behavior two years ago and stopped talking to them. Before that time, I was casually friendly with many of my cousins. Immediately, upon stopping contact with my parents, my cousins stopped responding to my emails and attempts at contact. Before that, they were happy to visit with me. They had witnessed how my parents had treated me, but it was "faaaamily" and I was supposed to just shut up and be miserable (aka "out of respect for your parents"). All this, even though my cousins also always avoided my parents and our relationship was separate from one with my parents.

None of them told me "I'm avoiding you until you're in your parents' good graces again." They just didn't reply to me. Of course, I was upset. But then I had to be honest with myself that most of those relationship I wouldn't have had had we not been related in the first place. And I had to remind myself that even in the old circumstances, I was still the one doing the bulk of the work in the relationships, extending most of the invitations, etc. I had very little in common with these cousins to begin with. It stunk realizing that I was not someone they valued spending time with. Their relationship with me was completely contingent upon my remaining a doormat to my parents.

I have a couple of cousins who have stayed in touch with me despite this. The rest generally don't contact me and I don't contact them. After a year or so of them all giving me the silent treatment, a few started emailing me and saying "I don't know why you're mad at me" or "we miss you." But they don't miss me because I am fun, smart or interesting. They miss their doormat. And I'm not interested in their fake version of a relationship. I have better things to do with my time.