Team dinner question

[m2kbug]

I would be inclined to let her go without you.  It's just one dinner and she wants to be with her team and her friends.  It sounds like you can do your family thing the rest of the time.  You just need to make arrangements around transportation and what-not.  She's at an age now where she really wants to be a part of her group.  If your attendance is required, again, it's just one meal, and you can do your own thing the rest of the time. 

[Deetee]

Thanks for the info. I'd let her go. She wants to and doesn't mind going alone. I would be very clear that she has to have better manners than her friends as she will be semi unsupervised.

I don't think you need to attend, but ask your teen afterwards if you were the only absent parent.

[Yvaine]

Thanks for the info. I'd let her go. She wants to and doesn't mind going alone. I would be very clear that she has to have better manners than her friends as she will be semi unsupervised.

I don't think you need to attend, but ask your teen afterwards if you were the only absent parent.

Is there actually a concern that the daughter will use bad manners? Maybe I misread a post, but I didn't see any concern that daughter will misbehave, and I don't know that she needs to be preemptively admonished.

[Idlewildstudios]

OP here- yes, it doesn't ' hurt to remind her of her manners, she can get loudly and giggly.  One if the reasons we haven't attended is that DH doesn't do well in crowded noisy places.  I think we may just drop her off then.  I just didn't want to be one of *those* parents.

Thanks for the insight.

[sweetonsno]

I'd look at it like this: the tournament is a special event to which you have been invited. The celebration dinner, while not the main event, is still part of the event and part of the invitation. Skipping out on it for a "better offer" is a bit of a faux pas. While of course the teammates and coaches aren't going to know unless your daughter tells them, I do think you may inadvertently be sending her the message that you'd rather eat "good" food than spend the evening celebrating her achievement.

I totally understand not wanting to eat at Ye Olde Generic Greasyfood Place. I also totally understand wanting to check out unusual, delicious, fabulous joints that you don't normally have access to. However, etiquette is about relationships, right?
 
Go to the more upscale/unique places for lunch or dinner on days other than the big team thing. Give your daughter cash and tell her to fend for herself/go with her friends once or twice if you'd like to. Just don't skip out on what is a significant event for your daughter over the venue. It probably would mean a lot to her. (PS- A lot of hotel  bars have fantastic late-night happy hours with delicious apps if you need to scratch your not-insipid-and-fried food itch after the fact.)

ETA: I can relate to your husband's dislike of loud, crowded places. I suggest either leaving him at the hotel or making a short appearance. If there are awards/speeches/toasts at the dinner, I think staying for that part and then making your excuses is a good way to go.

[Deetee]

Thanks for the info. I'd let her go. She wants to and doesn't mind going alone. I would be very clear that she has to have better manners than her friends as she will be semi unsupervised.

I don't think you need to attend, but ask your teen afterwards if you were the only absent parent.

Is there actually a concern that the daughter will use bad manners? Maybe I misread a post, but I didn't see any concern that daughter will misbehave, and I don't know that she needs to be preemptively admonished.

No, there was absolutely no concern. It is just a rule that I have with my kid.  When I am not around, I expect her to pay a little more attention to how she should be behaving so the gentlest correction by another adult will register. That is the responsibility that she has for the privilege of having no parent. So in a hyped up environment with lots of excited kids I would to hear that my kid was one of the best behaved. If not, next time my kid doesn't get to go withoutme. (BBTW, my kid is four so take this with a grain of salt)

Basically, with a each freedom I grant my kid there is an accompanying responsibility. And if that isn't meet, the freedom is removed for a while (hours to months depending)

[Zilla]

I would ask if another parent mind if she "sits" with them.  If old enough, then yes by all means drop her off.

[amylouky]

I think you need to let her go, and I think you need to go with her. If not, you are putting the responsibility for watching over her on the other parents/coaches, and unless you've made sure they are okay with taking that on, you need to be there. Sure, she's in her teens, but she's in a busy place in a strange city, and things happen.

I can completely understand why you'd rather not be in a busy buffet restaurant with a team of preteens/teenagers, but I think that you should sacrifice one of your 4-5 quiet dinners in the city for your daughter's sake. You could always go, not eat, take DD back to the hotel, and go out for fabulous food with your DH later.

[Texas Mom]

I'm the parent of a former student athlete.

You have to go - otherwise you ARE "one of *those* parents."

One if the reasons we haven't attended is that DH doesn't do well in crowded noisy places.

I don't know what this means.  Does he have severe anxiety attacks or just doesn't like them (as if anyone does)?  If it's a situation that he doesn't like, he needs to go to.  It's a whole two hours out of his life once a year (doing something he finds extremely distasteful) for his daughter.

[Idlewildstudios]

These are 4-5 days at a very crowded event.  It is very hot and humid.  It is very, very noisy and there are small children running all over.  We are there for about 13 hours each day.  We don't see DD but for a few minutes when we drop off lunch for her.  We can see her on deck but cannot go down and she does not come up as there is no place for her.  The only time we have to talk about the day is over dinner.

DH gets extremely anxious and agitated in these situations.  Spending another 2 hours at dinner with this is too much for him.  The team dinner is not required.  It is very casual.  We participate in all other team functions except this one.  There are a few other parents who would be fine with her sitting with them at this dinner.

[Firecat]

These are 4-5 days at a very crowded event.  It is very hot and humid.  It is very, very noisy and there are small children running all over.  We are there for about 13 hours each day.  We don't see DD but for a few minutes when we drop off lunch for her.  We can see her on deck but cannot go down and she does not come up as there is no place for her.  The only time we have to talk about the day is over dinner.

DH gets extremely anxious and agitated in these situations.  Spending another 2 hours at dinner with this is too much for him.  The team dinner is not required.  It is very casual.  We participate in all other team functions except this one.  There are a few other parents who would be fine with her sitting with them at this dinner.

I can empathize with your DH; I wouldn't do well with that much crowd/noise, either. Would it be an option for you to take your DD to the dinner, and get your DH some takeout, or have him order room service or something? That way your DH gets some quiet recharging time, but your DD gets to go to the team dinner (which is important at that age - I empathize with DD on that).

If anyone asks about your DH, it's perfectly fine to resort to a polite fiction such as "DH has a terrible headache and really needed to lie down." (Just make sure you work it out with DH in advance so he can respond appropriately if something is mentioned the next day.)

Or maybe, since you don't actually see DD during the meet that much, give her the lunch and then take the afternoon off until it's time to pick her up, so that you and DH get a break between the meet and the dinner? I don't know if that's a possibility, or if a parent/guardian needs to be there in case of emergency, but if something like that could be worked out, it might be a workable compromise.

[Roe]

I'm the parent of a former student athlete.

You have to go - otherwise you ARE "one of *those* parents."

One if the reasons we haven't attended is that DH doesn't do well in crowded noisy places.

I don't know what this means.  Does he have severe anxiety attacks or just doesn't like them (as if anyone does)?  If it's a situation that he doesn't like, he needs to go to.  It's a whole two hours out of his life once a year (doing something he finds extremely distasteful) for his daughter.

Agreed.  I grew up in a family where team sports was very important.  Going to ONE team dinner isn't too much to ask for.  And that's all part of being in a team. 

If you don't want to be part of that, why not just let her go to City B by herself? 

[baglady]

It's a multi-day event -- how many days exactly? The team dinner is one night? Does that leave other nights where you could have dinner as a family? I suggest having family dinners on the night(s) that the team dinner isn't happening, then joining DD for the team dinner. If the idea is that abhorrent to DH, he can always plead illness or fatigue, while you go with DD.

Sounds as if being with her team at the dinner is more important to her than the other, better Dining Experiences of the city. And it would probably mean a lot to her to have at least one parent there. The team dinner may keep her batteries charged with enthusiasm for the activity, which means she will stick with it, and you will have more opportunities to sample the city's cuisine on the non-team-dinner nights during future meets.

[Sharnita]

It sounds like they do go to the big team banquet, so they do go to one dinner.

Could DH take a break for an hour or two from competition the day of the dinner so he isn't ovrrwhelmed?

[Yvaine]

It sounds like they do go to the big team banquet, so they do go to one dinner.

If I read the OP correctly, the one they go to isn't part of the trip--it's an end of year thing after they get home.