Teeny I agree with everything you say.....but DH and his siblings keep catering....it's the whole "she's a scared old lady so we're going to humour her" thing. She takes full advantage of them never saying no.
I try not to let it get to me but it's hard when you see them running themselves ragged and it really isn't necessary.
Then you disengage from them. One of the best things I ever did for my marriage was to really internalise the phrase 'not my problem'.
That sounds cold, so let me explain.
I love my wife, and I would do anything for her, but there comes a point where any normal human being is going to begin to feel put-upon. Plus, she's not a child!
Therefore, it does neither of us any good for me to invest emotional and physical energy into problems she can easily solve herself. If she's running herself ragged because of her own poor planning or inability to say no, I feel perfectly free to sit in a hot bath with a book.
I am willing to come to the rescue, but that's on my own terms, and very definitely counts as a favour! And of course, if she is complaining about the situation, I'll talk it through and show support, but I'm not going to shoulder some of the consequences unless it's a) serious or b) an emergency.
This means I am free to help joyfully and out of love, rather than storing up resentment about taking on things that she should be handling.
Gosh, that sounds so awful of me, but I hope you see what I mean!