Author Topic: Feeling blown off  (Read 3140 times)

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shygirl

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Feeling blown off
« on: October 21, 2013, 09:56:02 AM »
I'm a little annoyed, and don't know whether I should say anything to the people I'm annoyed with.  I probably shouldn't.

First situation (Let's call the lady in this story Alice):  I moved in late Aug.  I took my 3yo son for a walk around our new neighborhood, and we met an extrememly friendly lady who invited us over for a playdate at her house a few days later.  We went to the playdate and had fun.  In an effort to return her kindness, a few weeks ago I invited her and her children over for a playdate at our house.  The day of the playdate, she called to say her kids' naptimes got all messed up and they couldn't come at the time we had originally planned.  So we rescheduled for the following week.  The day before that, I texted to confirm, and she never got back to me.  They didn't show up either.  So...what was that about?  She did send a group text a few days later to see if anyone was interested in a sign language playdate that cost money, but I wasn't interested in that, so I just texted her a small "no thanks" message back.  I suppose it is possible that she didn't see my confirming text message, but it seems unlikely.  At this point, I'm thinking of not texting/calling anymore.  I'm not super desperate for friends, and my son is in pre-school, so making friends there.  Of course, it is nice to have friends in the neighborhood, but we are friendly with other people...so again, not like super desperate to make friends.

Second situation (Let's call the lady in this story Lisa):  An old coworker of mine lives pretty close by to the new house where we just moved.  We are friends on facebook, and actually her husband works for the same company where I work.  (Actually, we all started out in the same department, so we were friends before they got married.)  Anyhoo, when she found out that I'm moving close by, she said we should get together and let our kids meet each other.  I said I would love to do that, and sometime after we moved and got settled in, and emailed her to ask about her afternoon schedule to see if we could come by for a visit sometime.  She said we should come by anytime.  So I emailed her one more time, giving a specific day.  And...she never emailed me back.  I wasn't going to just show up without confirming, and also I didn't know exactly where she lived.  I'm not planning to email again, but wondering what others would do.

Third situation (Let's call this lady Mary):  Mary and I have been friends since birth.  So this one stings a little more than the others.  We communicate mostly through IM because I moved a few states away, and she still lives in our home state.  She's always been kind of on the flaky side, but it's been better lately since I tend not to put anything she says in stone.  Also, we are both busy with work, family, etc...  Anyway, we were chatting on Friday, and she asked if I would like to video chat on Sunday morning.  Our kids are 2 years apart, and do like to see each other, if not actually do anything.  We set up a time, and she said she would call first just to make sure we were up.  Well, if my son was up (he's not a morning person).  So about 30 minutes before, I realized my son wasn't going to be in a socialable mood, and I texted her to ask if we could video chat a little later than our scheduled time.  She didn't text me back.  So after my son was finally up and ready to be friendly, I texted her again.  Still no answer, so we went about our day.  She finally texted me back hours later, apologizing saying they had a late morning too, and forgot that we made plans to video chat.  Ugh.  I mean, I understand having late nights, and rough mornings, but this was the 3rd time sometime blew me off, so I was annoyed.  I didn't text her anything back.  I'm thinking of just telling her, next time we are both online, that I was just disappointed we missed each other...but I'm really more than disappointed.  Not sure whether it's worth it to say that though.

Sorry this got so long, didn't realize I had so much to say!

dharmaexpress

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Re: Feeling blown off
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2013, 10:14:55 AM »
What I'm noticing all these folks have in common is kids in the home.  I don't have any myself, but notice that plans with parents are a little more liquid than with my childless friends.  I would chalk up each of these scenarios to that phenomenon and try to be more relaxed about my expectations.

It sounds like you are someone who makes plans and keeps them - you probably are on time most places too, right?   ;)  And many, many people are just not like that.  It's irritating, and it is technically rude, but being upset about it or expecting others to change on this matter has been a losing proposition for me.  I make plans with my parenting friends, but know they're unlikely to go exactly as I expect or as we agreed.  YMMV.

TurtleDove

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Re: Feeling blown off
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2013, 10:16:31 AM »
If you actually want to spend time with these people, I wouldn't tell them you are annoyed with them, I would just continue to contact them when you feel like it and see whether it works to get together.  If it doesn't, then stop trying, but it won't accomplish anything other than make you appear self-centered and petty if you call them out for annoying you. People are busy, and especially with young kids it can be difficult to do all the things we as adults might want to do.  Even you had to change plans with Mary - I wonder if she thinks you blew her off?  At any rate, I find life is easier and happier if I just let little annoyances slide off my back and don't take things personally.  Unless you have some reason to believe Alice, Lisa and Mary have reason to wish ill upon you and are actively conspiring against you, I would assume that none of the plan changes have anything to do with you. 

In short, no, don't say anything expressing annoyance with these people unless your goal is to not ever spend time with them again.

mspallaton

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Re: Feeling blown off
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2013, 10:16:44 AM »
I wouldn't say anything in any of these situations. 

In short - the first two women aren't people you're particularly close to so it really isn't worth creating a conflict with them over plans not working out. I totally understand getting annoyed when you're buttoned up and other people don't follow through, but it isn't blowing you off as much as getting busy, losing track of time etc...

Which brings me to your last story -- it doesn't sound like you're hurt because of what she did - it sounds like you're hurt because this happened with multiple people and she was the last of them.  It would be terribly unfair to say something to her -- especially if this is the first or one of the first times this has happened. 

I would recommend saying nothing to the first two women -- if you hear from them great, make plans if you want - if not then no worries.

For your close friend, I would try scheduling another call - preferably at a time that your children and hers are less likely to be tired or cranky (since it appears to have happened to both of you) - and when you talk to her, be particularly effusive and nice about how happy you are to talk to her.  If she starts being consistently unavailable, that is a different story - but one time is entirely forgivable.

Lynn2000

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Re: Feeling blown off
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2013, 10:23:57 AM »
First, so sorry you've had a rotten week! All of those things would be irritating to me, too.

Starting with Mary, your old friend who's always been kind of a flake. Seems like a typical thing for her, so I would just take it as another reminder that I shouldn't make firm plans with her. If you both happen to be online at the same time, chat with her as long as it doesn't interfere with your other plans, or exchange emails to keep in contact--sounds like making any kind of plan with her is just not worth the frustration. Or, if you do make a plan, certainly be ready to go through with it, but don't really think too much about it, so if she bails again it won't sting so much.

The other two are annoying, but might just indicate the random miscommunication that happens sometimes in life, coincidentally happening with two different people around the same time. I probably wouldn't reach out to either person specifically, but if they initiated contact or if I saw them around, I would be friendly and try again.
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shygirl

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Re: Feeling blown off
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2013, 10:36:06 AM »
What I'm noticing all these folks have in common is kids in the home.  I don't have any myself, but notice that plans with parents are a little more liquid than with my childless friends.  I would chalk up each of these scenarios to that phenomenon and try to be more relaxed about my expectations.

It sounds like you are someone who makes plans and keeps them - you probably are on time most places too, right?   ;)  And many, many people are just not like that.  It's irritating, and it is technically rude, but being upset about it or expecting others to change on this matter has been a losing proposition for me.  I make plans with my parenting friends, but know they're unlikely to go exactly as I expect or as we agreed.  YMMV.

I have a kid at home too, so I do understand you have to be a little flexible.  Or a lot flexible.  What I don't understand is completely not getting back to me after we have already exchanged several emails/texts making plans.  I don't think you can explain that away by saying they have kids at home.

First, so sorry you've had a rotten week! All of those things would be irritating to me, too.

Starting with Mary, your old friend who's always been kind of a flake. Seems like a typical thing for her, so I would just take it as another reminder that I shouldn't make firm plans with her. If you both happen to be online at the same time, chat with her as long as it doesn't interfere with your other plans, or exchange emails to keep in contact--sounds like making any kind of plan with her is just not worth the frustration. Or, if you do make a plan, certainly be ready to go through with it, but don't really think too much about it, so if she bails again it won't sting so much.

The other two are annoying, but might just indicate the random miscommunication that happens sometimes in life, coincidentally happening with two different people around the same time. I probably wouldn't reach out to either person specifically, but if they initiated contact or if I saw them around, I would be friendly and try again.

Yes, I think the first 2 situations, I won't try to contact them again, but if they ever get back to my messages, I will be friendly.  I will let them set a date/time if they really want to meet up, but if they don't, it's no skin off my back. 

Mary has apologized twice.  First, in the text she sent later that day we were supposed to chat, and a little while ago again on IM.  She's a great friend, but she is flaky, and sometimes it annoys me that she's not really that dependable.  This is a small matter though, so I'm not going to let it bother me anymore.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Feeling blown off
« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2013, 10:53:43 AM »
I can understand the frustration of that too, as I'm more like yourself, I like to have confirmed plans and would like if people would get back to me in a timely manner, especially if it's plans they initiate! You'd think if they're the ones who had the idea, they'd want to see them come to fruition, right?

And I've got an almost 2 year old so I get the fact that they can be unpredictable in their sleep schedule.  I try to keep mine to a schedule but things can happen but I'd be letting a person know "hey, Piratebabe got up late, can we do this a bit later?" and would be annoyed if they never returned my text.

Course if later they said "Sorry, my phone was on silent" or "Sorry, little one got a hold of my phone so I didn't even see that you'd texted me till now!" I'd be understanding but not hearing anything would annoy me.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

veronaz

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Re: Feeling blown off
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2013, 10:53:56 AM »
Shygirl, take a look at this recent thread:
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=130587.0;topicseen

While I understand people have busy lives, I still think itís thoughtless and rude to just leave someone hanging.  Usually the excuse is ďI got busy, I didnít have time.Ē  But, really, how much time does it take to respond with ďCanít do it, Iíll get back to you soon.Ē?

But not everyone thinks like that - to some itís just not that big of a deal.  Flakey people who arenít dependable drive me up the wall Ė although they often have other good qualities.

I wouldnít say anything to the people (at this stage), but Iíd let them be the ones to initiate anything else.  The other friend apologized, so Iíd also let that go.  Whether or not you ever express your displeasure will depend on how often it happens and how much/whether you value the relationship(s). 

m2kbug

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Re: Feeling blown off
« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2013, 01:02:09 PM »
I think what would be going through my mind with 1 and 2 is that the people just aren't interested in pursuing a friendship.  I'm not saying this is the case here, but it is a thought that would be going through my mind in this situation.  One thing is while I would love for the kids to play together, it really doesn't mean I wish to entertain the parent or stay at their home the whole time.  As long as the parent is okay sending the kid to my place or I'm okay sending the kid off to their place, that works for me.  I don't think I would say anything right now if ever.  I would continue to be friendly with these people when I see them and perhaps extend another invitation or two, and just see what happens.  My kids have neighborhood friends, and I like the parents and all that, but nothing has been pursued beyond that, and yes, it hurts when you think you've connected and you would like to grow the friendship, and they just don't seem interested.  The kids still bounce around to each other's homes. 

If this is a problem with continued scheduling conflict and it really seems like they want to keep up a closer friendship, you could mention that it seems like every time we plan to get together, something comes up and if this day is going to be difficult, would another time be better? 

It's so wrong to make all these plans and then completely blow you off, which if they really cannot or do not wish to do these activities, they really shouldn't be making plans at all.

With number 3, you're the one that canceled in the first place.  I understand your reasoning, but why didn't you just have a conversation with her anyway and just not worry about the child having a conversation?  Life happens and sometimes you have to cancel and reschedule and sometimes you mess up and forget to call.  Unless this is a repeated problem with number 3, I would just chalk this up to an unfortunate situation.  I really don't know how much effort I would put in if someone was repeatedly canceling because of their little people or they're fussy, noisy, and constantly interrupt when I'm trying to have a conversation.  If mornings are difficult with Mr. Fussy Pants, then try to work a different time.  Yes, I would probably say I'm disappointed we didn't get to chat, which I am, but not place blame on her.  You were the one that cancelled in the first place.  If your friend was forever having to cancel, I would express this.  They may not realize how often they do this and be better about it in the future. 

shygirl

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Re: Feeling blown off
« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2013, 04:53:06 PM »
I agree in situations 1 and 2, they were not actually interested in pursuing anything...but then why say anything of the sort in the first place?  I find that sort of thing annoying.

In situation 3, I didn't cancel.  I asked if we could push back our Skype date by 30 minutes.  It wouldn't have mattered if we were ready on time anyway, because my friend had completely forgotten that we made plans.  She didn't even see my texts until many hours later.  I do understand that she had a late night as well, and a rough morning, but she did completely forget, so I do blame her.  I've come to expect this type of stuff from her, so I don't generally initiate plans where specific times are important.

TootsNYC

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Re: Feeling blown off
« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2013, 09:08:59 PM »
I'm sorry these people are blowing you off. That sucks! And all in a row?

My sympathies to you. That's sort of demoralizing, and I think you *deserve* to make a big long post here about it!
(You also deserve to have some people who are actually looking forward to spending some time on you!)

I think you've gone above and beyond in terms of reaching out to people. I admire you!

I'm w/ m2kbug; I'd be thinking that these people weren't that interested in truly pursuing a friendship, and I'd be like you--fading out. If they popped up again, OK fine, I'd lightly see where it goes. But I wouldn't pursue any more than that.

There's plenty of time for something to genuinely develop, though, so I might keep some sort of light ties open.

W/ #3, I think I would suggest that you stop checking to confirm, and just call at the appointed time. That will remind her, right?

Otherwise, in general, I think your instincts are right on the money.