Dear Abby: Wrong, yet predictable

[ItZWhoUKnow]

I'm a mom of two and managed to get through the baby years and I had *gasp* ZERO showers. Believe me, my children didn't go without a thing. Yes, people did send me nice gifts and gift cards and they were thanked and noone had to clean, buy food or come up with silly games.
I just don't get all the shower = the only way you get stuff for baby.

This whole grandma shower just boggles my poor brain...

[minnaloushe]

It's just another indication of our culture of entitlement gone wrong.  If I had a baby my mother wouldn't have a shower, she'd BE a shower. At least Ms. Phillips didn't give two thumbs up or anything.  I wonder what her cousin, Dear Margo (who took over for Abby's sister Ann Landers) would say.  She seems to have a better head on her shoulders.

This reminded me of a story on Mother-In-Law Stories of the woman who went to her MIL's for a baby shower only to discover after she got there that the shower was actually for her MIL, and she was just a prop. (a la "Look what my SON did! I'm going to be a GRANDMA! GIVE ME PRESENTS!!!")

edited for spelling

[smarterthanu213]

Wow. Um..just..wow. I don't think "somewhat excessive" begins to describe it. The idea should have been shot down with a bold of lightning and then pulverized into little pieces and fed to the flames of ehell.

[Brentwood]

It's just another indication of our culture of entitlement gone wrong.  If I had a baby my mother wouldn't have a shower, she'd BE a shower. At least Ms. Phillips didn't give two thumbs up or anything.  I wonder what her cousin, Dear Margo (who tool over for Abby's sister Ann Landers) would say.  She seems to have a better head on her shoulders.

This reminded me of a story on Mother-In-Law Stories of the woman who went to her MIL's for a baby shower only to discover after she got there that the shower was actually for her MIL, and she was just a prop. (a la "Look what my SON did! I'm going to be a GRANDMA! GIVE ME PRESENTS!!!")

Margo Howard is a much better advice columnist than Jeanne Phillips.

[wetblanket]

I have an idea about why this trend is happening.

It's all marketing.  People in the bridal or baby businesses want to sell as much product as possible.  Traditional etiquette gets in the way.  Marketers try to make having more showers seem "modern". 

Of course it doesn't do anything about the original reason for imposing limits on showers - so that you don't look like you're trying to score lots of stuff off your friends and co-workers.

I hate the social pressure of things like this.  It's like if you don't go along, but instead stick your guns about not participating in an event that shouldn't be held in the first place, you are seen as crabby and stingy and not "nice".

[Brentwood]

I have an idea about why this trend is happening.

It's all marketing.  People in the bridal or baby businesses want to sell as much product as possible.  Traditional etiquette gets in the way.  Marketers try to make having more showers seem "modern". 

Of course it doesn't do anything about the original reason for imposing limits on showers - so that you don't look like you're trying to score lots of stuff off your friends and co-workers.

I hate the social pressure of things like this.  It's like if you don't go along, but instead stick your guns about not participating in an event that shouldn't be held in the first place, you are seen as crabby and stingy and not "nice".

I don't like the social pressure either, but maybe if more people stuck to their guns, these types of shakedowns would soon fade away. One can hope, anyway!

[Hawkwatcher]

I don't think she exactly "approved" either - she did say it struck her as "somewhat excessive." All she did say was that if Gramma would be babysitting and couldn't afford the necessary equipment that she could see why there might be a shower.

I have to admit, though, I have not been a fan of Dear Abby's column since Jeanne Phillips took it over from her mother. The original Dear Abby would not have given even watery approval to such an idea.

I agree that she did not exactly approve but I do think that she should have left out the part of about "poor grandmothers" needing their friends to throw them a shower so they can babysit.  If parents really expect "poor Grandma" to babysit, it is their duty to provide her with the necessary equipment. 

[gr_gal1993]

Personally, I think it's all greed.  When you see people like Britney Spears having bridal/baby showers, it makes everyone else think they need one too.  The truth is that showers were originally intended for people who honestly couldn't afford to care for their household or their children.  A young couple starting out would need help if their families weren't well off financially, so the community would rally around them to help them start the next phase of their lives.

These days we expect that people who are marrying or having children are able to fend for themselves, so showers aren't necessary anymore, but it seems as though nobody wants to miss their opportunity to get free stuff.  It's actually quite disgusting when you think about it.

[Brentwood]

I don't think she exactly "approved" either - she did say it struck her as "somewhat excessive." All she did say was that if Gramma would be babysitting and couldn't afford the necessary equipment that she could see why there might be a shower.

I have to admit, though, I have not been a fan of Dear Abby's column since Jeanne Phillips took it over from her mother. The original Dear Abby would not have given even watery approval to such an idea.

I agree that she did not exactly approve but I do think that she should have left out the part of about "poor grandmothers" needing their friends to throw them a shower so they can babysit.  If parents really expect "poor Grandma" to babysit, it is their duty to provide her with the necessary equipment. 

I do agree, and her comment about understanding why someone would do that will be seen as approval by those who wish to engage in the grabbiness. 

[Alida]

I didn't read the letter but my mom's friends had what they called a "grandma" shower. They met for lunch as was their usual but one particular month they brought items for my mom since she was the first grandma in the group (by probably 10 years). Nobody who didn't normally do lunch with that group of friends was invited, there were no games, events, etc. Mom had no idea ahead of time. They gave her things like a bib that said "Grandma Loves Me" for her to keep at her house, a book she could read to the baby, stuff like that. Nothing big, no registry, just tokens.

That's altogether different and entirely thoughtful of them.  They honored her new 'status,' but it wasn't a call for gifts, it sounds like friends celebrating a happy event in another friend's life.

[Brentwood]

Personally, I think it's all greed.  When you see people like Britney Spears having bridal/baby showers, it makes everyone else think they need one too.  The truth is that showers were originally intended for people who honestly couldn't afford to care for their household or their children.  A young couple starting out would need help if their families weren't well off financially, so the community would rally around them to help them start the next phase of their lives.

These days we expect that people who are marrying or having children are able to fend for themselves, so showers aren't necessary anymore, but it seems as though nobody wants to miss their opportunity to get free stuff.  It's actually quite disgusting when you think about it.

I don't think someone who is well-off should specifically not have a shower if her friends want to throw her one, but I like the social aspect of old-timey showers with dainty food, punch, and small gifts. Baby showers shouldn't be about getting your friends and relations to buy all your big stuff like cribs and strollers.

Likewise, I like old fashioned bridal showers with finger sandwiches, little cakes, tea, and punch, and small gifts like kitchen towels or measuring cups.

[gr_gal1993]

I don't think someone who is well-off should specifically not have a shower if her friends want to throw her one, but I like the social aspect of old-timey showers with dainty food, punch, and small gifts. Baby showers shouldn't be about getting your friends and relations to buy all your big stuff like cribs and strollers.

Likewise, I like old fashioned bridal showers with finger sandwiches, little cakes, tea, and punch, and small gifts like kitchen towels or measuring cups.

My view on showers has always been that they are more of a charity type thing, but I don't enjoy them at all, so my views are slanted in that regard.  Whenever I'm forced to attend one for some reason (a rarity these days), I simply give a couple of baby outfits if it's a baby shower or kitchen towels for bridal showers.  Luckily my girlfriends went through their shower stages while I was in college (so I missed all of those) and most of my college buddies are male. 

I've actually been invited to more tame bachelor parties (where you play pool or bowl) than showers.  Those involve more socializing and can be lots of fun.  Pre-wedding and pre-baby events like that are far more enjoyable for me.

Edited to add a few more thoughts!

[sammycat]

I'd never heard of a grandmother to be shower until I read that letter.  What a strange idea.   When I had my first baby my mother thought it was great fun to be able to go out and buy some baby stuff to keep at her house and it has been used for the 3 grandchildren who have come along since.  On my husband's side this was the first grandchild in 14 years and we thought it was wonderful that the highchair we used at their place had also been used by all the other grandchildren prior to ours, as it had a sense of history to it. 

[Gileswench]

That sound you heard? Was my jaw hitting the floor at mach 2.

Grandmother showers?

If I'd been writing that column, anyone in a five-hundred yard radius who was considering the concept would have to handle the article with tongs and asbestos gauntlets!

The group of friends spontaneously getting together to give the grandmother-to-be a couple small gifts is a charming story. The idea of trying to get a full set of baby equipment from your friends for someone else's baby - even one related to you (and that's a general you, not anyone specific on this board, of course) - is beyond wrong.

If the grandparents are going to be babysitting in their own home, they or the parents of the grandbaby ought to provide the equipment.