Author Topic: S/O of Parental Criticism Thread: Were you criticized for being a bluestocking?  (Read 7270 times)

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flickan

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To this day she actually believes that her intelligence is more of a liability than an asset.  I'm trying to decide whether that conclusion negates intelligence.

Depends on why she thinks that.  If it's entirely because of her father it's a self-esteem issue and one she could (and should work to) overcome.  But I'm definitely someone who is not any better off for being smart.  I'm surely not as bright as some of the women in this thread but I'm just smart enough to be disastisfied with my own lack of achievement sometimes.  Above average intelligence coupled with a lack of ambition is it's own trial.  Promising kids are pushed hard.  I'd rather have had my average life accomplishments met with approval.  Knowing what I know now I'd have taken a little more beauty, a little more common sense, maybe a little more humanity in exchange for a little less intelligence. 

Venus193

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Her problem is twofold:
  • She tries to please others in the mistaken belief that that will make them love her
  • She fails to set standards for people she wants to have in her life.

Since she came from a family of narcissists (of which her mother was Queen) she has very little sense of self and therefore no self-esteem. 

PastryGoddess

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My mother used to punish me by removing the books from my room. Once I got too many books to remove, she would just tape cardboard over the bookcases so I couldn't get to them.  I learned at a very young age how to hide books in my wardrobe just in case I got in trouble :)

I remember the first time my stepfather sent me to my room and told me I couldn't watch TV for a week.  I think I just shrugged and went to my room.  He got mad because he thought I was playing it cool.  My mother had to say...no, she just doesn't care about watching TV. 

weeblewobble

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The only example that comes to mind in my own life is when I was in early elementary school (maybe 2nd or 3rd grade), I got to skip English class once a week to participate in Enrichment with a few other high achieving students. My best friend was either jealous or didn't understand what Enrichment was about, because she told me it was for stupid kids.  ::)

Ah! I forgot about that.  In 4th grade, I tested high enough to join the gifted program for one class period a day.  My friend, "Traci" was not invited to join the program. Traci told her mom that weeble got to go to a special classroom every day to play games (logic/problem solving activities) and do special projects. Traci's mom didn't want Traci to feel bad about not being selected for the program, so she told Traci that it was a special education class for "slow kids" and she shouldn't talk about it with me, because it would make me feel bad. 

Traci, of course, immediately told me I was in a class for slow kids, and I was only in there because I was too stupid for regular reading and math.  I told her that wasn't true, but she wouldn't believe me until the teacher confirmed it.  She went home and complained to her mom about not being in the special class. Traci's mom called my mom to fuss about me contradicting Traci's mom, and since she couldn't get Traci into the gifted program, decided that the next best thing that would make Traci feel better would be to get me OUT of the program. So she told my mom that she should pull me from the program because I would be 'labelled' as brainy for the rest of my school career and there would be too much pressure on me, I would only be able to hang out with smart kids, and worse yet, (GASP!) boys wouldn't want anything to do with me. Mom ended the conversation with a "'K Thanks" and hung up.

Traci and I didn't hang out much after that.

GlitterIsMyDrug

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Ah gifted programs. We had one at our school I think I really would've benefited from. But I wasn't allowed to take the test to be placed in the class because I had ADHD and my mother refused to medicate me. Except I didn't have ADHD (confirmed by two different doctors), I had a high IQ and got bored when I wasn't challenged. And when I was bored I got distracted. And since I was distracted I clearly had ADHD and thus would be disruptive in the gifted program. Also my mom hadn't gone to college and so she couldn't help me understand the homework I'd be given (this was used to justify so many things until I graduated high school, your mom didn't go to college so you can't BLANK, what?). The fact that I'd help my friends in the gifted program with their work was irrelevant. By the time a teacher said "Uh, you need to be tested for the gifted program", I'd been in the same school too long and the test was only open to new students from outside the district.

I also got labeled as "anti-social" because I didn't get along well with kids my own age. Well no, we didn't have a lot in common. However a couple grade levels above me, I thought those kids were awesome. My mom tried to have me skipped at least one grade because I was obviously bored out of my mind and was told "Oh, she's not social enough", so I had to stay with my grade and "learn social skills". Unfortunately my mom didn't know how to fight the system and didn't have a lot of free time to make a stink. She did enroll me in any program she could find outside of school to foster my interests.

BeagleMommy

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Wow, these library/school stories are bringing back memories.

When I was in 7th grade (age 13 or 14) I wanted to read Sybil.  It was in the adult section of the public library so I wasn't allowed to check it out.  My mother told the librarian it was okay for me to read it.  The librarian insisted that I wouldn't understand it and refused to let me take it out.

Okay, so Mom checked the book out the next day and handed it to me to read.  When I returned the book two days later the librarian smugly said "I guess you didn't understand it since you're returning it early".

I replied "Actually, I finished it last night and really thought it was interesting how her psyche developed these alternate people to help her deal with the horrible abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother.  Are there any other books on multiple personalities?"

She looked like this:    :o

cwm

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I feel really lucky now. Short of the one librarian at school, I never had a bad librarian. I was reading Steven King by the time I was in middle school, as well as encyclopedias and physics books, and whatever else I could get my hands on. My parents trusted me that if something was too scary I'd talk to them about it or stop reading it. The one book that my parents told me I couldn't read was Gerald's Game. And having snuck it out to read it, I'm not surprised. It is one messed up book.

It took my parents a long time to realize that sending me to my room had little effect on anything. Even once they got rid of the small bookcase I had in there, I always hid books around the room, including under and around my bed and in dresser drawers. They'd send me there to punish me after checking to see that there were no books, and they'd come back two hours later and I'd have a book at my feet that I'd finished and another one I was working on.

Apparently it's always been weird to my mother that my sister and I can read several books at once and follow the plotlines of all of them. Yes, sometimes they get a bit confused, especially if it's a lot of similar books at once, but otherwise it's not that bad at all. Plus I can always mention different books in different company, depending on who I'm talking to.

Luci

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When I was in 7th grade (age 13 or 14) I wanted to read Sybil.  It was in the adult section of the public library so I wasn't allowed to check it out.  My mother told the librarian it was okay for me to read it.  The librarian insisted that I wouldn't understand it and refused to let me take it out.

Okay, so Mom checked the book out the next day and handed it to me to read.  When I returned the book two days later the librarian smugly said "I guess you didn't understand it since you're returning it early".

I replied "Actually, I finished it last night and really thought it was interesting how her psyche developed these alternate people to help her deal with the horrible abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother.  Are there any other books on multiple personalities?"

She looked like this:    :o

I signed a  card giving our daughter permission to check out books from the adult library when she was in middle school. Oddly, there were some Judy Blume books in the young adult section that I didn't feel she was ready for. We did talk about those if she happened to grab them, but she never borrowed anything from the adult library that I was uneasy about. She and I had an agreement that I could look over her selections.

GlitterIsMyDrug

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When I was in 7th grade (age 13 or 14) I wanted to read Sybil.  It was in the adult section of the public library so I wasn't allowed to check it out.  My mother told the librarian it was okay for me to read it.  The librarian insisted that I wouldn't understand it and refused to let me take it out.

Okay, so Mom checked the book out the next day and handed it to me to read.  When I returned the book two days later the librarian smugly said "I guess you didn't understand it since you're returning it early".

I replied "Actually, I finished it last night and really thought it was interesting how her psyche developed these alternate people to help her deal with the horrible abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother.  Are there any other books on multiple personalities?"

She looked like this:    :o

I signed a  card giving our daughter permission to check out books from the adult library when she was in middle school. Oddly, there were some Judy Blume books in the young adult section that I didn't feel she was ready for. We did talk about those if she happened to grab them, but she never borrowed anything from the adult library that I was uneasy about. She and I had an agreement that I could look over her selections.

That just reminded me of when I was in second grade I picked "Are you there God, It's Me Margret" for a book report. My teacher nixed it saying I wasn't "Emotionally prepared to deal with the subject matter", of course I'd already read it and my mom was fine with it. Since we weren't giving oral presentations the teacher allowed it but still didn't think I'd understand or that I'd be traumatized by it (nothing more traumatic then a girl hearing about other girls buying bras and getting periods). She was shocked I actually understood it.

I never had problems at the public library. Everyone was issued the same card, I think at least. Though when I figured out where the adult non-fiction was (upstairs), I had a lot of fun going up there and looking up books on well...various subjects. My favorites when I was around 11 or 12 were the uh, scrabble playing guides. Those were great.

nuit93

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When I was in 7th grade (age 13 or 14) I wanted to read Sybil.  It was in the adult section of the public library so I wasn't allowed to check it out.  My mother told the librarian it was okay for me to read it.  The librarian insisted that I wouldn't understand it and refused to let me take it out.

Okay, so Mom checked the book out the next day and handed it to me to read.  When I returned the book two days later the librarian smugly said "I guess you didn't understand it since you're returning it early".

I replied "Actually, I finished it last night and really thought it was interesting how her psyche developed these alternate people to help her deal with the horrible abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother.  Are there any other books on multiple personalities?"

She looked like this:    :o

I signed a  card giving our daughter permission to check out books from the adult library when she was in middle school. Oddly, there were some Judy Blume books in the young adult section that I didn't feel she was ready for. We did talk about those if she happened to grab them, but she never borrowed anything from the adult library that I was uneasy about. She and I had an agreement that I could look over her selections.

That just reminded me of when I was in second grade I picked "Are you there God, It's Me Margret" for a book report. My teacher nixed it saying I wasn't "Emotionally prepared to deal with the subject matter", of course I'd already read it and my mom was fine with it. Since we weren't giving oral presentations the teacher allowed it but still didn't think I'd understand or that I'd be traumatized by it (nothing more traumatic then a girl hearing about other girls buying bras and getting periods). She was shocked I actually understood it.

I never had problems at the public library. Everyone was issued the same card, I think at least. Though when I figured out where the adult non-fiction was (upstairs), I had a lot of fun going up there and looking up books on well...various subjects. My favorites when I was around 11 or 12 were the uh, scrabble playing guides. Those were great.

My public library allowed anyone with a library card to check out any book (music and videos were still restricted, I think), so I was free to read whatever I felt comfortable checking out.  It was the one thing that I was never restricted on, probably because no one had the time to police my reading material and figured if I understood it then there was no reason to keep me from it.

Library Dragon

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My mother used to punish me by removing the books from my room. Once I got too many books to remove, she would just tape cardboard over the bookcases so I couldn't get to them.  I learned at a very young age how to hide books in my wardrobe just in case I got in trouble :)

I remember the first time my stepfather sent me to my room and told me I couldn't watch TV for a week.  I think I just shrugged and went to my room.  He got mad because he thought I was playing it cool.  My mother had to say...no, she just doesn't care about watching TV.

Oh, yes, the dreaded "Go to your room...Wait, you're not allowed to read."  It took my mother and step-father until junior high to realize that was the real punishment. 


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Micah

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Never. I was lucky I guess. My mother is insanely intelligent (she's just fast tracked herself to becoming a Registered Nurse, while working part time. She's 58). She homeschooled me until grade 7. I was reading Ben Hur when I was eight. I'm not above average intelligence, maths has always eluded me, but both parents encouraged any and all pursuit of knowledge. There was never any suggestion that I shouldn't learn or better myself just because I was female.

My OH was intimidated by my vocabulary and the fact that I memorize random knowledge like a sponge sucks water. He was astounded by the amount of books I read and the speed that I go through them. He's never read anything except for school books and his parents don't own a single book. I didn't actually know that was possible until I met him. I pointed out that his knowledge of engines and maths put him into the gifted category in my mind. Seriously, there's nothing that man can't drive, fix or pull apart and put back together. He once told me that when he looks at an engine, all the pieces sort of blow apart in his mind (like those blow out diagrams) and he just sees where everything goes.  :o

I have a horsey friend whose husband likes her to be the ditzy rodeo queen. Think blond, permed hair, heaps of makeup and air for a brain. Trouble is, she actually a beautiful person and fairly intelligent. She's just 'played the role' for so long that she comes out with the daftest things. Her husband (who is a whole other story) doesn't want her to work, but cut off her budget for her horses for some imagined infraction. So she went out and got a job, after fifteen years of not working. When I pointed out that this was a fairly huge deal, she just didn't get it. *sigh*
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PastryGoddess

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My mother used to punish me by removing the books from my room. Once I got too many books to remove, she would just tape cardboard over the bookcases so I couldn't get to them.  I learned at a very young age how to hide books in my wardrobe just in case I got in trouble :)

I remember the first time my stepfather sent me to my room and told me I couldn't watch TV for a week.  I think I just shrugged and went to my room.  He got mad because he thought I was playing it cool.  My mother had to say...no, she just doesn't care about watching TV.

Oh, yes, the dreaded "Go to your room...Wait, you're not allowed to read."  It took my mother and step-father until junior high to realize that was the real punishment. 



My mother is just like me.  She gave me my love of reading. so she knew that just how tempting a room full of books would be for me.  My stepfather kept doing it though, I think it may have gotten to him by the time I reached high school :)

Just Lori

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I tend to gravitate toward the smart people in a crowd.  I love a stimulating and challenging conversation.  The upside is that nobody accuses me of being smart, because they're all smarter than me.

There are different types of smart people, though.  There are smart people who seek to find a common ground with people of different intelligence levels, and smart people who like to subtly or not-so-subtly remind you that they're smarter than you.  The smartest people I know are also gifted with the ability to hold a conversation with anyone, without making the other person uncomfortable. On the other hand, I have worked with people who come off as pretentious.  It's hard to explain.  I suppose it's like a wealthy person who treats everyone as a worthy companion, vs. a wealthy person who sneers at people who aren't wearing name brands. 

Thipu1

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If my father had anything to say about it, I never would never have gone to College.  I was to be graduated from High School, (to please my mother),  marry a son of a friend of his from the loading dock, move into a double-wide and happily pop out plenty of children. 

Thank the Deity I received five scholarships that paid for everything including textbooks and money for trips home at Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.

My mother put only one restriction on my College education. I could not sell my text books at the end of term.  I had to bring them home with my class notes.  During the day, she'd study while I was at my summer job.  In the evening, we'd sit down around the kitchen table and discuss history, political science, literature or whatever else I had been taking in the last semester.

After the first term,  it dawned on me that I was giving my mother a College education.  After that, I made sure to take good notes and keep my books in excellent condition.  Mom was smart and asked the sort of questions my professors at school wanted me to ask.  I learned to be more assertive in class because Mom depended on me and I had to be able to answer her. 

It may sound strange but it was a great mother-daughter bonding experience.