Author Topic: It's time to go!  (Read 3108 times)

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gen xer

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It's time to go!
« on: November 04, 2013, 11:27:24 AM »
Does anyone else out there have a hard time getting family / friends to leave at a reasonable time?  My ( minor ) issue is not so much being the host who has guests who never leave but I have a hard time being part of the guests that never leave.

For example....my DH is one of those people who will stay until the last possible minute until he is forced to go.   In his younger days he could easily go to the cottage for the weekend and stay literally until he has to leave for work the next day...and then drive straight there.  Of course with kids in school that is not possible now but still....I wish it wasn't always up to me to initiate the departure when we are visiting friends / family.  I feel embarrassed and rude always being the one who is trying to get us out the door.....and I always have to ask multiple times.  I don't want to overstay but I don't want to make it look like I don't want to be there either.

I try to agree on a time beforehand,  have had numerous discussions about it but it just seems to go out the window.  if anyone else has had any luck or experience with this please share!


BeagleMommy

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2013, 11:36:53 AM »
Oh, I would be so tempted to leave without him.

Maybe explain to him that it is slightly impolite to you and your kids to make you nag at him to leave at the agreed to time.  He may just not realize that's how you feel.

LibraryLady

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2013, 11:44:50 AM »
I would suggest that you set a time to leave, discuss with husband and maybe have a built-in 'grace' period to linger.  If a dinner party that begun at 6 and you really, really want to be home by 10; you agree upon a leave time of 8:45.  At that time, you start your good-byes, gather your purse and coat, get your husbands, give it to him, and remind him that you MUST leave by 9 in order to do thus and so. 

Or if you have two cars, leave when you want to, and let him come home when he wants to.  " Honey I am exhausted and I must leave early for work, gym, take dog to vet" and I am going home to rest", you stay and visit all you want to.

He may say oh just one more story, you stand indulgently with a smile and say OK, just one.  The you firmly take him by the arm and drag him out. (not really).  I hope with time it will get easier.

Do you have children? No?  When you do have children, then the babysitter may come into play.

If you are at a cabin or vacation place, do the same thing.  Establish a leave time and while you may the one who will have to load the car, gather everything up, etc., do so, and then repeat the above.

Hope this helps.

gen xer

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2013, 11:45:33 AM »
Oh, I would be so tempted to leave without him.

Maybe explain to him that it is slightly impolite to you and your kids to make you nag at him to leave at the agreed to time.  He may just not realize that's how you feel.

Trust me I have considered it!  I just hate nagging and I end up getting snappish and impatient which I really don't want to do.

The Wild One, Forever

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2013, 11:47:54 AM »
Oh wow, this is my ex to a "T!"  Getting him to leave anywhere at a reasonable hour was so tedious that I would find myself not wishing to go anywhere with him, and any promises extracted that we'd leave when I said it was time were ignored.  This was particularly the case when we would visit his side of the family, because those people can talk non-stop about nothing of consequence all day and all night, and he would get caught up in that.  The problem became worse when our son was born, and I'd have to contend with a cranky, worn out, overstimulated child while my ex blithely continued visiting, oblivious. 

In later years, he would pull this while visiting friends, and a couple of times, I did wind up leaving him there to sleep on their couch, (at the invitation of the friends, of course.)  By then, the problem wasn't that our son was up past his bedtime, but that I was!
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Zilla

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2013, 12:09:06 PM »
Does anyone else out there have a hard time getting family / friends to leave at a reasonable time?  My ( minor ) issue is not so much being the host who has guests who never leave but I have a hard time being part of the guests that never leave.

For example....my DH is one of those people who will stay until the last possible minute until he is forced to go.   In his younger days he could easily go to the cottage for the weekend and stay literally until he has to leave for work the next day...and then drive straight there.  Of course with kids in school that is not possible now but still....I wish it wasn't always up to me to initiate the departure when we are visiting friends / family.  I feel embarrassed and rude always being the one who is trying to get us out the door.....and I always have to ask multiple times.  I don't want to overstay but I don't want to make it look like I don't want to be there either.

I try to agree on a time beforehand,  have had numerous discussions about it but it just seems to go out the window.  if anyone else has had any luck or experience with this please share!


If you already tried speaking to him and try to set a time etc and all to no avail?  I would just take two cars so you can leave when you want to.  If he protests, just say, "I want to leave at X time so it's best I take my car."  If he promises to leave at X time, say, "I really do mean this.  When it's X time, I am going to gather our things to go."  And give him a chance.  If he does it, great.  If he doesn't, then tell him that's why you want to take two cars.  Next event, take two cars no matter what his protests are.

shygirl

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2013, 12:09:43 PM »
Oh, I would be so tempted to leave without him.

Maybe explain to him that it is slightly impolite to you and your kids to make you nag at him to leave at the agreed to time.  He may just not realize that's how you feel.

Trust me I have considered it!  I just hate nagging and I end up getting snappish and impatient which I really don't want to do.

Can you take separate cars?

My husband also has problems with leaving a party at a reasonable time, and it doesn't help that the hosts/hostesses don't seem to care.  Well, I care because I get up early and can't be civil at midnight anymore.  Also, we have a son, who does like to stay up late, but even midnight is too late for a 3yo.

So we solve that problem by taking separate cars, or I will leave when I need to and husband finds a way to get home later.  It works for us now.

workerbee

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2013, 12:22:19 PM »
Oh gosh, my husband and his family are notorious for this! (well, their notoriety is not widely known - but to me....) I have had the hardest time getting him to leave family gatherings, and also getting his family to leave when we are hosting! After the first time we hosted the annual Christmas gathering and ended up missing church because people would.not.leave our house....I ended up suggesting (very nicely and pretty subtly, I thought), that his parents host from then on so that we could leave! Plus I volunteered us to help with the church service so that we had to leave at X time.

It's actually not a huge deal, and on the bright side, I'm happy that his family enjoys spending time together, but for someone like me who likes a plan, it can be annoying!

I'm not sure if this would work for you, OP, but I found it was easier for my husband to leave on time when we had other obligations -- I think he genuinely felt badly about simply up and leaving. Once we had children it was easier b/c he was able to say, "oh we have to get little Susie into bed on time." Can you guys agree on excuses if he feels guilty about leaving?

Amara

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2013, 12:41:43 PM »
OP, are you close enough to any of your friends to have the husband or both of the other couple speak to your husband privately? If they are willing I suspect a message coming from them (at a non-visiting) time about respecting their time limits and leaving might have much more influence than what you say. (They would be, in essence, telling him to get out and let them get on with what they have to do.)

Deetee

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2013, 12:43:08 PM »
As other people have suggested, if you have two cars, you can leave when you wish and he can leave later. Personally, I'd leave the kids with him.

Or get up , say your goodbyes and pack yourself and the kids into the car and wait there. I had a relative who would not move to leave the house until everyone everyone else was ready. Rather than fight it, I would get myself ready and sit in the car with a book. Of course this was someone I saw a few times a year so it was easier to not try to fight it. It is a different dynamic with your husband, but its' still an option to consider.

shygirl

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2013, 12:52:44 PM »
As other people have suggested, if you have two cars, you can leave when you wish and he can leave later. Personally, I'd leave the kids with him.

Ha!  This is a great suggestion!  I wonder if sometimes the husbands don't get how irritating an over-tired and over-stimulated child is, and can't understand why the rest of us want to leave already.  Of course, my child would scream bloody murder if I tried to leave the party without him. 

cattlekid

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2013, 01:23:26 PM »
I wish I had some tried and true advice for you but all I can offer is sympathy. 

My SIL is going through the same thing right now with her husband.  They arrive at a function with my niece and then BIL wants to stay until the bitter end, chitchatting with his relatives and friends.  SIL is the only one noticing the time and the fact that my niece is either a) melting down due to being overtired/overstimulated or b) falling asleep in the corner or c) needing to be at school/some other event in the morning and therefore needing to leave NOW.

We just had this discussion this weekend and I am definitely going to suggest that she start taking a separate vehicle.  It stinks because BIL's truck is really bad on gas and the double gas costs aren't really something they need, but this is about the best situation I can offer other than taking the one vehicle and leaving and letting BIL find his own way home which is definitely a nuclear option.

gen xer

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2013, 01:36:08 PM »
 Thanks for the suggestions ( and commiserating ).  We had a bit of a fight about it this past weekend after visiting out of town relatives overnight.  He said he thought I was rude for nagging to go home and it looked like I didn't enjoy visiting.

That is not the case.  I actually love visiting them and the last thing I want would be to make them feel as though I wasn't enjoying their company.   I felt awful that I may leave that impression on someone...but at the same time I feel it is rude to linger on indefinitely.  Visits have a shelf life and overstaying is rude IMO. 

Hmmmmm

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2013, 01:52:20 PM »
Thanks for the suggestions ( and commiserating ).  We had a bit of a fight about it this past weekend after visiting out of town relatives overnight.  He said he thought I was rude for nagging to go home and it looked like I didn't enjoy visiting.

That is not the case.  I actually love visiting them and the last thing I want would be to make them feel as though I wasn't enjoying their company.   I felt awful that I may leave that impression on someone...but at the same time I feel it is rude to linger on indefinitely.  Visits have a shelf life and overstaying is rude IMO.

Before going get him to agree on a departure time.

So if going to his mom's for lunch on Sunday tell him you want to be home by 4pm. Remind him on the way there that you want to leave by 3 as you want to be home by 4. When you arrrive, tell your MIL "Just so you know, I have to be home by 3 so we'll be leaving at 3. I hope that doesn't mess up your schedule." At 2:30, quietly remind your DH that you guys are leaving in an half hour. A little before 3 start gathering your items, start telling everyone good bye and then stand by the door with your purse and coat waiting. Don't say anything else. Eventually, everyone will realize how rude your DH is being making you wait and will stop engaging him in conversations and will start verablizing that it is time for him to leave.


Raintree

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Re: It's time to go!
« Reply #14 on: November 04, 2013, 02:02:21 PM »
Thanks for the suggestions ( and commiserating ).  We had a bit of a fight about it this past weekend after visiting out of town relatives overnight.  He said he thought I was rude for nagging to go home and it looked like I didn't enjoy visiting.

That is not the case.  I actually love visiting them and the last thing I want would be to make them feel as though I wasn't enjoying their company.   I felt awful that I may leave that impression on someone...but at the same time I feel it is rude to linger on indefinitely.  Visits have a shelf life and overstaying is rude IMO.

I'd tell him he is rude for putting you in the position of making it appear you didn't enjoy visiting.

I used to date someone like that. Except his took the form of "stopping off for a second at his brother's" when I hadn't planned on a full-on visit and had other very pressing obligations, or on our way to another social engagement that I had RSVP'd a "yes" to well in advance. So we'd stop off there purportedly just to drop something off, and he'd stay and visit and gab and play with the kids, while I was saying, "We have to go....we have to go." I was then accused of never wanting to hang out at his brother's and how insulting it was. I actually enjoyed hanging out at his brother's when it was planned as a proper visit, but not when I was late for something else. It was really very irksome and one of the many things that always ended up in an argument.