Author Topic: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma! UPDATE: readers weigh in  (Read 17542 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

siamesecat2965

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8953
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #15 on: November 04, 2013, 12:56:19 PM »
auntmeegs, I have a hunch that the parents might have been more receptive towards the grandmother's offer to help if she hadn't come across as so...overbearing. I agree with the posters who say that it sounds more like the grandmother wants to take over instead of merely help. In that light, I don't think the parents are that crazy.

Yes, if grandma had simply said "i'd love to come out for the baby. What would you prefer, before, right after, or after some time has passed, and how long would YOU be comfortable wiht me staying?   you let me know, that's what I'll do" rather than announcing she planned to come before and stay for several weeks after. I also suspected that Grandma was a bit pushy, and perhaps had been in the past, the parents knew that, and were acting accordingly.

GSNW

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 561
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #16 on: November 04, 2013, 01:28:56 PM »
I laughed while reading this at breakfast yesterday because I immediately imagined the responses if that pity party had been posted on this website's blog or forums. 

I agree with Toots - Grandma should be taking it personally, and wondering where she's blundered in the past to create this situation.  It's not just the timetable (give us three weeks) that would have me wondering, it's the "no more than a week" mandate that should really be giving her pause.

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6784
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #17 on: November 04, 2013, 01:30:02 PM »
Obviously this is completely and entirely the new parents' choice and yay! that Dear Abby set the record straight with the grandmother.  However, having just recently had a baby myself, I cannot help but think that these new parents are C-R-A-Z-Y for refusing an offer of help - those first few weeks are brutal and I suppose I would have had to manage without my mom but I can't imagine how and I'm so glad I didn't have to.

I think it depends on the individual. When my first was born, my sister came and stayed the first night we were home. Though I had her, an aunt, and a MIL all in town, other than that and dropping off a couple of casseroles we didn't have other help and didn't seem to need it. With my second, my Inlaws babysat my DD while in the hospital overnight and brought her home when we arrived home. No one stayed with us and other than a couple of casseroles being dropped by, we again didn't have help. My DH and I are pretty independent individuals and I didn't want anyone around all day, no matter how helpful they are normally.

mimi_cat

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 887
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #18 on: November 04, 2013, 01:33:51 PM »
I was feeling somewhat sympathetic towards the grandmother - until she said her dream had always been to see her grandchild take their first breath and her son to see his child for the first time....then she lost me.   Sorry, but many people do not want other family members in the delivery room, and you are assuming that the birth will be this lovely, picturesque, Hallmark Moment. 

I have to wonder if the reason for requesting her visit be delayed a few weeks is because they know she will be overbearing and pushy. 


nuit93

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1224
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #19 on: November 04, 2013, 01:36:16 PM »
I couldn't believe that letter was real when it was posted.  How could anyone be that self-centered?

ladyknight1

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8345
  • Operating the logic hammer since 1987.
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #20 on: November 04, 2013, 01:37:35 PM »
We had visitors and friends for short times and people bring food by, and that is exactly how we wanted it. We lived in a decently sized apartment, but someone staying with us would have been unwelcome.

Luci

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6213
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #21 on: November 04, 2013, 02:05:19 PM »
We had visitors and friends for short times and people bring food by, and that is exactly how we wanted it. We lived in a decently sized apartment, but someone staying with us would have been unwelcome.

I was wondering if I was the only one who didn't want much help. My neighbor came over every afternoon so I could shower (I was afraid of falling) and my sister-in-law came over every couple of days to tidy the house a little and play with the baby. Other than that, we did most of the cleaning, I did the laundry and cooking. Pretty much the same with the second birth.

Yes, I was blessed with no complications and was pretty hardy anyway. My friend was almost the have the baby and go work in the fields example.

As a grandmother, I stayed a few days, caught up the housework, did the shopping and some cooking, and was rewarded with getting to hold the babies. For the others, we just visited and that's all anyone really expected. No way would I want to see the births.

Maybe I was too handsoff, but that woman really needs to stand back.

bopper

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12538
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #22 on: November 04, 2013, 02:06:36 PM »
Abby closed by saying, "Do not take any of this personally."

I think the woman would be better off if she *did* take it personally, and examined her own behavior to see how she could change it in order to persuade them to regard her differently.

I think that in family relationships, we sometimes forget that we need to "woo" people, to present ourselves in ways that are appealing to them.

You are right, but also the normal situation would not be for a MIL to come stay for a month.  Even a Mom would not stay for a month.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 31748
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #23 on: November 04, 2013, 02:15:20 PM »
Agree. That's part of what she needs to discover, because that's a big part of "her behavior" that is creating this reaction.

newbiePA

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 942
    • Outside the Marinara Zone- our new blog :)
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #24 on: November 04, 2013, 02:15:44 PM »
We had visitors and friends for short times and people bring food by, and that is exactly how we wanted it. We lived in a decently sized apartment, but someone staying with us would have been unwelcome.

I agree.  I had a c-section after 24 hours+ of ineffective labor.  My husband stayed home for a week, my mom was there for a week after that, but stayed in a hotel.  Then I was on my own.  I was fine.  Actually, half-way through the second week, I was ready for grandma to LEAVE, and we get along well.  Everyone heals differently, and everyone needs a different level of support.  I'm more of a fast healer, hunker down kind of person.  A month's worth of hovering would NOT have helped. 

newbiePA
Not such a newbie anymore

BeagleMommy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3256
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #25 on: November 04, 2013, 02:31:04 PM »
Count me in as another who was appalled that she told them when she was coming and for how long rather than asking what they wanted.

When we brought DS home my mother came the week after we brought him home and helped with housecleaning and showed me some things I was unsure of.  MIL came a week after than and did the same.  I will be eternally grateful to both of these wondeful women for giving me the time to get used to being a new mom and not trying to take over.

SoCalVal

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2681
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #26 on: November 04, 2013, 02:41:53 PM »
I couldn't believe that letter was real when it was posted.  How could anyone be that self-centered?

There was a poster here 2-3 years ago who was expecting and asking for help in explaining to her DH and MIL why the only additional person who would be welcome in the delivery room was the OP's mother.  Her DH felt that if the OP's mother was welcome, then his mother should be welcome, too.  I remember several on the forum being so incensed for the OP and even questioning the support of her DH if he absolutely could not understand why this was not an area where all family members of the same type should be welcome or none at all.  I think, ultimately, OP made a stand and firmly told DH that having her MIL in the room is NOT the same as having her own mother and that, in this case, the presence is not equal and MIL being there wasn't going to happen.



Kiara

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2600
    • My dragons!
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #27 on: November 04, 2013, 03:15:08 PM »
I couldn't believe that letter was real when it was posted.  How could anyone be that self-centered?

My dad's mom.  Came for 3 weeks after I was born by C-section, and expected to be waited on hand and foot.  Supposedly my poor mother nearly put herself BACK in the hospital.

Mysticpizza

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 301
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #28 on: November 04, 2013, 03:31:06 PM »
When my two were born, my Mom was not notified until After they arrived (and she only lived a few towns over). She would have wanted to hold them first, give them a bottle, etc. DH stayed home for a week after each and Mom was only allowed to visit a few hours at a time. DH's parents were deceased by that time, so no competition. It depends on the relationship, and this GMa to be doesn't sound like the kind I'd like to have around in those first few new weeks. JMHO.

pierrotlunaire0

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4349
  • I'm the cat's aunt!
Re: But I'm not a guest, I'm Grandma!
« Reply #29 on: November 04, 2013, 03:34:06 PM »
I was reading the letter in the paper, shaking my head and imagining what the people here would make of it (BTW, pretty much what I expected).

And it was the line about how she has dreamed of seeing her grandchild take his first breath, etc., that I found so distasteful.  Let your poor DIL have some privacy, please!
I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert.  Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy