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Author Topic: S/O JADEing thread ... not walking into a trap  (Read 8096 times)

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MindsEye

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Re: S/O JADEing thread ... not walking into a trap
« Reply #30 on: November 07, 2013, 01:51:29 PM »
I think, even if you "fall" into a trap, you don't have to stay there. Conversations should not be like interrogations on the witness stand. If someone says, "What are you doing Friday night?" and you momentarily forget your strategies and say, "Nothing," and then they say, "Great! You can come to my dog toenail clipping party!" you are not trapped into spending your Friday night giving pedicures to Great Danes. You can still decline. You don't scream, "WHAT? Crud monkeys, no, that sounds horrible!" But you can say, "Sorry, I don't think I'm really up for that." If they have the temerity to whine, "But you just said you weren't doing anything!" then they've crossed definitely into rude territory, and your resolve to resist them should increase, if anything. Well, at least IMO. :)

"Trapping" can be manipulations performed by pushy people (see the original thread) and it's not rude to resist them. There are rude ways to resist them, but there are also polite ways. I think some pushy people want people to think they're being rude to say no, or to decline after "admitting" they didn't have other plans, but that's just not true.

Exactly this.

Even if you have stated that you have no fixed plans for a particular day/evening/whatever, does not mean that therefor you have an obligation to do whatever someone else wants you to do.  It is not a summons.  And if they want to think that you are rude/a boor because of that... well, that's their problem, and not yours.

I like using the phrase "I don't think so".

Pushy person: "Hey, what are you up to this weekend?"
ME (slipping up a little): I don't know... nothing much I guess.
Pushy person: "Great!  I am volunteering at a charity event and you can come help out!"
ME: "No... I don't think so."

MariaE

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Re: S/O JADEing thread ... not walking into a trap
« Reply #31 on: November 07, 2013, 02:33:13 PM »
What Toots meant (and I know this because it's been brought up in other threads) is that the only acceptable reason to convey is "I have other plans" - but those plans might be to wash your hair and watch paint dry.

I disagree.  I think a simple, 'sorry, I can't make it' works just as well.

Same difference. "I can't make it [because I have other plans]". It's semantics.

"I don't feel well" = "I have plans to stay in bed"

"I have no way to get there" could easily result in "Oh, don't worry, I'll come pick you up".

And please note I'm not saying you have to have other plans. Just that that's the social lie (or insinuation when it comes to "Sorry I can't make it") that etiquette mavens say is the acceptable reason for declining.

Of course there are exceptions. My best friend and I have been known to have conversations like "Hey, you wanna hang out tomorrow?" "Yeah, sure, if I don't make other plans". Horribly rude from an etiquette POV, but it works in our relationship.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

LB

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Re: S/O JADEing thread ... not walking into a trap
« Reply #32 on: November 07, 2013, 02:57:23 PM »
What Toots meant (and I know this because it's been brought up in other threads) is that the only acceptable reason to convey is "I have other plans" - but those plans might be to wash your hair and watch paint dry.

I disagree.  I think a simple, 'sorry, I can't make it' works just as well.

Same difference. "I can't make it [because I have other plans]". It's semantics.

"I don't feel well" = "I have plans to stay in bed"

"I have no way to get there" could easily result in "Oh, don't worry, I'll come pick you up".

And please note I'm not saying you have to have other plans. Just that that's the social lie (or insinuation when it comes to "Sorry I can't make it") that etiquette mavens say is the acceptable reason for declining.

Of course there are exceptions. My best friend and I have been known to have conversations like "Hey, you wanna hang out tomorrow?" "Yeah, sure, if I don't make other plans". Horribly rude from an etiquette POV, but it works in our relationship.

I agree that a lot of times the person you are talking to and your relationship with them matters. In talking to my best friend, we often ask each other what the other is doing before we suggest plans. But we're both comfortable enough with each other that if we don't like the plans offered, we just say so. We spend a lot of time together, so we both know that the company is not the problem.

However, when my mother or my MIL asks, I'm always sure to have plans before I even hear what theirs are. Then maybe my plans are breakable. And maybe they're not.

wheeitsme

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Re: S/O JADEing thread ... not walking into a trap
« Reply #33 on: November 07, 2013, 03:17:54 PM »
And then there is always:

What are you doing Saturday?

Nothing, I don't think...

Good, you can help me move!

Okay, but I charge $15 an hour for labour.

But we're friends/family!

Darlin, that is the friends/family rate.

greencat

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Re: S/O JADEing thread ... not walking into a trap
« Reply #34 on: November 07, 2013, 04:36:00 PM »
I have actually replied to invitations to things I did not want to do with responses like "I'd love to hang out, but I'm not interested in (activity)."  My friends don't seem to invite me to any fewer things, nor do they seem offended by it.  After all, it's pretty clear from my response that I like spending time with my friend, but I happen to dislike underwater basket weaving.

Raintree

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Re: S/O JADEing thread ... not walking into a trap
« Reply #35 on: November 08, 2013, 01:00:24 AM »
I got caught out that way once at work. Only once did I fall for that one:

Boss: "So, what are you up to tomorrow for your day off?"
Me: "Oh, I don't know....not much."
Boss: "Well can you come in to work tomorrow? It's looking like it's going to be busy and I could really use another person to help with x."
Me: "Uh......sure....."

From then on I always had "plans" rehearsed in my brain just in case she pulled that one again.

cwm

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Re: S/O JADEing thread ... not walking into a trap
« Reply #36 on: November 08, 2013, 08:55:17 AM »
I got caught out that way once at work. Only once did I fall for that one:

Boss: "So, what are you up to tomorrow for your day off?"
Me: "Oh, I don't know....not much."
Boss: "Well can you come in to work tomorrow? It's looking like it's going to be busy and I could really use another person to help with x."
Me: "Uh......sure....."

From then on I always had "plans" rehearsed in my brain just in case she pulled that one again.

Oh, if it's a boss, I'm always "out of town" for the day. Because, technically I'm more than one city away due to suburban sprawl. I've never lived in the same city I worked in, and if I had errands to run in another suburb, I was "out of town" and couldn't make it in.

siamesecat2965

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Re: S/O JADEing thread ... not walking into a trap
« Reply #37 on: November 08, 2013, 09:14:01 AM »
I got caught out that way once at work. Only once did I fall for that one:

Boss: "So, what are you up to tomorrow for your day off?"
Me: "Oh, I don't know....not much."
Boss: "Well can you come in to work tomorrow? It's looking like it's going to be busy and I could really use another person to help with x."
Me: "Uh......sure....."

From then on I always had "plans" rehearsed in my brain just in case she pulled that one again.

Oh, if it's a boss, I'm always "out of town" for the day. Because, technically I'm more than one city away due to suburban sprawl. I've never lived in the same city I worked in, and if I had errands to run in another suburb, I was "out of town" and couldn't make it in.

My answer is "sorry I have plans" And I've learned not to answer the phone when I see its work or one of my cw's calling. I prefer to listen to their voicemail, or read their text, so I know what it is they want, usually to work for them, and I can answer rationally, and not be put on te hspot.