Author Topic: Dessert wars  (Read 18683 times)

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Arila

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #60 on: November 11, 2013, 10:28:37 PM »
I think Tina is totally right, and Tom totally wrong in the basics. Both of them sound like they haven't been too gracious or stopped being so during an argument.

I think going forward, I would play neutralizer. "Least said, soonest mended" Tina should have The Cake at her party, and avoid further upset and confrontation with Tom to just get past this. Keep repeating "Least said, soonest mended".

Minmom3

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #61 on: November 11, 2013, 10:30:29 PM »
No, she said he's been GF for a long time, it's the vegan aspect that is new.  I can't imagine a cake recipe being both GF AND vegan....  Pretty sure I'd rather eat something else than that little experiment!
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jedikaiti

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #62 on: November 11, 2013, 11:29:39 PM »
No, she said he's been GF for a long time, it's the vegan aspect that is new.  I can't imagine a cake recipe being both GF AND vegan....  Pretty sure I'd rather eat something else than that little experiment!

No, but IIRC, until recently he'd allowed himself the occasional indulgence... like The Cake.

Sounds to me like it's the Vegan not the GF that's making him not eat the cake, and since he can't have any, NOBODY can.
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sweetonsno

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #63 on: November 12, 2013, 12:06:17 AM »
I dunno… I kind of feel for Tom on this one. It sounds like The Cake is a pretty big deal and that it is a central part of the celebration. Yes, you technically are supposed to go to a party for the company and not the comestibles, but I can see why he might feel a bit unwelcome if this has become a "come over for The Cake" event and he can't participate in that part. Tom was in the wrong for asking her to totally change the menu, but Tina shouldn't have been so grudging about offering an alternative. If she really wasn't willing to, she should have just said, "Sorry, Tom, but I'm going to serve The Cake. I'm afraid I don't know much of anything about vegan baking, but it's fine if you want to bring something."

I guess I see it sort of like inviting a teetotaler to a whiskey or wine-tasting party and then grumbling about making sure that you have soda or juice or some other non-alcoholic beverage. Yes, it's their choice to not consume alcohol. No, you don't have to cut alcohol from the menu. However, I guess it comes across as slightly inhospitable, like, "Hey, wanna watch us do something awesome? No, I wasn't planning on having a related activity that you could partake in, why do you ask?"

To repeat: I do not think that Tina needs to not have the cake, nor do I think that Tom should have asked her to completely cut it from the menu. I simply think it was ungracious of her to make a big deal out of providing an alternative. Much better to leave it at, "I'm sorry, that won't be possible."

But the OP said there would be other dessert offerings that Tom could eat, just not cake. After badgering it sounds like Tina said, "Fine if you demand cake, I'll get you a freekin cupcake."

I think the real parallel would be inviting guests to a dinner with wine pairings and you planned to offer the teetotaler iced tea. But teetotaler demands that you serve alcohol free wine to everyone because he can't drink the planned wine.

Missed that. For some reason, I read it as there being main-meal offerings but no other dessert options. If there are other options for dessert, then yes, Tom is being ridiculous.

TeamBhakta

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #64 on: November 12, 2013, 12:27:48 AM »
For some reason, this is all starting to sound like it could be a Seinfeld episode. Maybe it's because of the capitalization of "The Cake".

I'm reminded of this thread:
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=128425.0

I can't imagine a cake recipe being both GF AND vegan....  Pretty sure I'd rather eat something else than that little experiment!

ot/ I have plenty of dessert recipes on my Pinterest board that are gluten free + vegan.
« Last Edit: November 12, 2013, 12:34:21 AM by TeamBhakta »

cicero

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #65 on: November 12, 2013, 04:35:15 AM »
I dunno… I kind of feel for Tom on this one. It sounds like The Cake is a pretty big deal and that it is a central part of the celebration. Yes, you technically are supposed to go to a party for the company and not the comestibles, but I can see why he might feel a bit unwelcome if this has become a "come over for The Cake" event and he can't participate in that part. Tom was in the wrong for asking her to totally change the menu, but Tina shouldn't have been so grudging about offering an alternative. If she really wasn't willing to, she should have just said, "Sorry, Tom, but I'm going to serve The Cake. I'm afraid I don't know much of anything about vegan baking, but it's fine if you want to bring something."

I guess I see it sort of like inviting a teetotaler to a whiskey or wine-tasting party and then grumbling about making sure that you have soda or juice or some other non-alcoholic beverage. Yes, it's their choice to not consume alcohol. No, you don't have to cut alcohol from the menu. However, I guess it comes across as slightly inhospitable, like, "Hey, wanna watch us do something awesome? No, I wasn't planning on having a related activity that you could partake in, why do you ask?"

To repeat: I do not think that Tina needs to not have the cake, nor do I think that Tom should have asked her to completely cut it from the menu. I simply think it was ungracious of her to make a big deal out of providing an alternative. Much better to leave it at, "I'm sorry, that won't be possible."
While The Cake may  be a big deal - it's *one* of the desserts. According to the OP there will be a huge buffet spread of tapas, and desset will include The Cake, a fruit and cheese platter, and several kinds of ice cream and sorbet.

so sorry, i think he is incredibly out of line.

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SoCalVal

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #66 on: November 12, 2013, 08:41:09 AM »
I don't feel for Tom at all.  Tina is 100% hosting her party, and Tom is outright stating her hosting is not good enough and is upset that she won't cave in, exactly, to his demands.  I don't see at all how Tina is at fault at all here or why she should be expected to alter her hosting to someone who is, essentially, spitting on her offering.  Tina would be well within her rights to say, "Don't come to my party; obviously, nothing short of only doing what you want would be good enough."  My ToxicSis pulled this maneuver (even stating in an e-mail "You don't have to count me for your catering because I won't be eating any of your food"); gotta say -- never missed her at my wedding for a single moment (what a freakin' cow!).  And, I'm definitely not saying they are all like this, but ToxicSis also recently became a vegan -- organic only, as well -- so she thinks only her way is the right way and will cross all sorts of etiquette boundaries to proclaim to all and sundry that SHE speaks the "truth."  That's fine, ToxicSis and Toms of the world, you lead your righteous, unhappy lives out there away from the rest of us then!  Glory in you standing your entitled ground with your like-minded SS others!



lowspark

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #67 on: November 12, 2013, 08:48:37 AM »
I dunno… I kind of feel for Tom on this one. It sounds like The Cake is a pretty big deal and that it is a central part of the celebration. Yes, you technically are supposed to go to a party for the company and not the comestibles, but I can see why he might feel a bit unwelcome if this has become a "come over for The Cake" event and he can't participate in that part. Tom was in the wrong for asking her to totally change the menu, but Tina shouldn't have been so grudging about offering an alternative. If she really wasn't willing to, she should have just said, "Sorry, Tom, but I'm going to serve The Cake. I'm afraid I don't know much of anything about vegan baking, but it's fine if you want to bring something."

I guess I see it sort of like inviting a teetotaler to a whiskey or wine-tasting party and then grumbling about making sure that you have soda or juice or some other non-alcoholic beverage. Yes, it's their choice to not consume alcohol. No, you don't have to cut alcohol from the menu. However, I guess it comes across as slightly inhospitable, like, "Hey, wanna watch us do something awesome? No, I wasn't planning on having a related activity that you could partake in, why do you ask?"

To repeat: I do not think that Tina needs to not have the cake, nor do I think that Tom should have asked her to completely cut it from the menu. I simply think it was ungracious of her to make a big deal out of providing an alternative. Much better to leave it at, "I'm sorry, that won't be possible."

What you're saying (where I bolded) makes sense, except that the difference here is Tom's only recent decision to become vegan.

Tina has an annual "The Cake" party to which she invites Tom. He comes, year after year, and happily partakes of and enjoys The Cake. Now, Tom voluntarily adopts new dietary restrictions and he expects Tina to change her long-established event to suit his new needs.

In your tee-totaller example, If I have a martini party every year, and one of my friends who always comes and drinks martinis, decides he wants to cut alcohol out of his diet, does he really have a leg to stand on if he demands I now serve only virgin martinis at my party? Sorry, but no.

It's Tina's birthday. It's Tina's party. She gets to serve anything she wants. Tom can come or not come but he has no right to dictate the menu. The most he can do is make sure Tina knows of his dietary restrictions and ask if there will be foods he can eat.

Winterlight

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #68 on: November 12, 2013, 09:30:31 AM »
At this point if I were Tina I'd be pretty annoyed too. Tom is currently in the self-righteous convert stage of his new eating habits, and she's tired of the argument.

Tom needs to get over himself.
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Outdoor Girl

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #69 on: November 12, 2013, 10:06:28 AM »
...ToxicSis also recently became a vegan -- organic only, as well...

Ummm... Does she not know that most organic operations use manure as fertilizer?  That's not exactly vegan...
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Ontario

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #70 on: November 12, 2013, 10:18:33 AM »
...ToxicSis also recently became a vegan -- organic only, as well...

Ummm... Does she not know that most organic operations use manure as fertilizer?  That's not exactly vegan...

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #71 on: November 12, 2013, 10:21:13 AM »
...ToxicSis also recently became a vegan -- organic only, as well...

Ummm... Does she not know that most organic operations use manure as fertilizer?  That's not exactly vegan...

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Ontario

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #72 on: November 12, 2013, 10:24:35 AM »
Now I have an earworm singing "o/` It's my party and I'll make & serve the Cake if I want to o/`".  Over and over again.  And I want cake...

Seriously - if the recipe was changed to make it a vegan & gluten-free version of The Cake, it would not be the much loved and awaited family recipe.  If making The Cake and serving it at the birthday bash that Tina pays for and organizes for herself and her friends & family is what she wants to do to celebrate her birthday and nobody is being asked to pay for a ticket to the shindig - then she can make & serve whatever she wants to.

If she is willing to add a vegan GF alternative for her cousin & almost-brother - then she wants him there, if he can bring himself to recognize that it is HER party and she gets to cook & serve what she wants to.

Now - about this recipe...16 eggs, you say?  I just happen to have that many in the fridge right now (long story involving VorGuy having a brilliant idea - no, this is not quite the equivalent of anyone saying "hold my beer" and then doing something dumb) but it is going to mean that I need to do some serious cooking for a few days.  Fortunately, if the recipe shows up, I have a large group of teenagers that VorGuy teaches who can be counted on to throw themselves on the uneaten dessert before it causes any problems.

I can't think of any vegan substitute for 16 eggs...

If the recipe doesn't show up - cookie dough can be made and frozen - then passed along to various family members at Christmas - baked or not, I've had family members demolishing my cookies for decades.

My MIL makes a Angel Food cake, both a vanila and a chocolate version, that has 16 egg whites. (I always wish I liked angel food cake but hate the texture). And I've made pound cake with 12 eggs.

But can't comprehend a cake with 16 eggs unless it is a 3 tiered wedding cake style.

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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #73 on: November 12, 2013, 10:26:28 AM »
At this point if I were Tina I'd be pretty annoyed too. Tom is currently in the self-righteous convert stage of his new eating habits, and she's tired of the argument.

Tom needs to get over himself.

Yes. It's not about what Tom wants to eat himself, it's that he wants to feel virtuous that he stopped others from enjoying the Evil Nonvegan Cake.

Hopefully, this will wear off in a while, but it looks like he'll make it tedious while he's in that phase.
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Re: Dessert wars
« Reply #74 on: November 12, 2013, 11:25:07 AM »
My MIL makes a Angel Food cake, both a vanila and a chocolate version, that has 16 egg whites. (I always wish I liked angel food cake but hate the texture). And I've made pound cake with 12 eggs.

But can't comprehend a cake with 16 eggs unless it is a 3 tiered wedding cake style.
Reminds of the scene in Steel Magnolias where Shelby and M'lynn are arguing while she cracks egg after egg after egg into a bowl. I've always wanted to know what she's supposed to be making. 

Back to topic -  >:D Evil FoxPaws would be tempted to tell Tom that maybe he should curtail his social life until he is secure enough in his new diet/beliefs to live and let live.
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