Hostesses With The Mostest > Entertaining and Hospitality

A list and B list?

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Belle:
When checking my email recently, I found an evite invitation to a shower for one of my closest friends. Yay! Then I noticed the date - I had already missed the party. The invitation was sent less than two days before the party (and I don't check that particular account more than once every 1-2 days). When I opened the full invitation, I could see that everybody else was invited well over a month ago (because the website shows the RSVP dates), but I was apparently added at the last minute.

More than anything, I'm amused by it, especially considering I live 6 hours away and definitely need advance notice to come to town. (Although I'm not friends with them, the people hosting the party have met me multiple times and know I live out-of-state.) I couldn't have attended regardless of whether I had been invited in a timely manner - I had prior obligations that were scheduled months ago. I could, however, have sent a card and gift.

It seems silly to RSVP after the fact, so I didn't. I'm not even sure whether to mention it to the friend. I feel like acknowleding the shower would make me look bad for not RSVPing and not sending a gift, even though I couldn't because the invitation was so late! My thought is to ignore it, and just bring her a gift the next time I see her. What would you do?

Moral of the story: If you're doing an A list and a B list for a party, make sure people can't tell when they check the online invitation! Or, if you completely forgot to invite somebody until the last minute (which may have been the case), include a note of apology so the guest doesn't wonder why the heck they were invited so late.

siamesecat2965:
Evilsiamesecat would be tempted to respond to the inviter, and apologize profusely for NOT responding, but that you only check that email every few days, and you received the invite ONLY 2 days before the event.  And lay it on thick that you were soooo very sorry that you didn't have a chance to send a gift, since you weren't able to attend.  hehehehe

But the polite side of me would say don't mention it to your friend. even if she brings up her shower, it might make her feel bad if she found out you weren't invited initially, and then last minute, but so last minute you couldn't do anything about it. It sounds like the host perhaps had quite a few refusals, and wanted to bring the numbers up by inviting those who weren't to begin with.

Zizi-K:
There could be so many valid reasons why you received the invite so late that have nothing to do with an A and B list. Most likely: MtB asked for you to be invited, but you slipped through the cracks until the hosts or MtB realized it at the late date and finally sent your invitation. Usually people have a good idea of how many people they want to invite to a shower, and then they plan the venue accordingly. Since you do live so far away, even if space was tight, they could have invited you and basically counted on the fact that you wouldn't/couldn't come. (Traveling for weddings is one thing, but showers? not so much.) I would contact your friend, say you wish you could have been there, have a chuckle about getting the invite so late, and then send a gift. I wouldn't take it personally - it was most likely a mistake.

sweetonsno:
Unless you have other reasons to suspect that you were "B list," I would assume that it was an accident. Call, apologize for missing the event, mention that you didn't receive the email until after the shower, and send a gift.

TootsNYC:
I bet the MtB and shower organizer said, "she's out of town--etiquette says don't invite out-of-town people usually, so let's not send her an invitation."

The MtB's mother (or someone else) said, "Is Belle coming for the shower?"
Answer: oh, no, we didn't invite her.
So MtB's mother (or someone else) says, "You have to send her an invitation at least! She'll be insulted! No, I insist, even if it is late, you have to send her an invitation!" and badgers them so much that they start to wonder if they're nuts or something, and so then they send an invite.

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