A list and B list?

[Belle]

When checking my email recently, I found an evite invitation to a shower for one of my closest friends. Yay! Then I noticed the date - I had already missed the party. The invitation was sent less than two days before the party (and I don't check that particular account more than once every 1-2 days). When I opened the full invitation, I could see that everybody else was invited well over a month ago (because the website shows the RSVP dates), but I was apparently added at the last minute.

More than anything, I'm amused by it, especially considering I live 6 hours away and definitely need advance notice to come to town. (Although I'm not friends with them, the people hosting the party have met me multiple times and know I live out-of-state.) I couldn't have attended regardless of whether I had been invited in a timely manner - I had prior obligations that were scheduled months ago. I could, however, have sent a card and gift.

It seems silly to RSVP after the fact, so I didn't. I'm not even sure whether to mention it to the friend. I feel like acknowleding the shower would make me look bad for not RSVPing and not sending a gift, even though I couldn't because the invitation was so late! My thought is to ignore it, and just bring her a gift the next time I see her. What would you do?

Moral of the story: If you're doing an A list and a B list for a party, make sure people can't tell when they check the online invitation! Or, if you completely forgot to invite somebody until the last minute (which may have been the case), include a note of apology so the guest doesn't wonder why the heck they were invited so late.

[siamesecat2965]

Evilsiamesecat would be tempted to respond to the inviter, and apologize profusely for NOT responding, but that you only check that email every few days, and you received the invite ONLY 2 days before the event.  And lay it on thick that you were soooo very sorry that you didn't have a chance to send a gift, since you weren't able to attend.  hehehehe

But the polite side of me would say don't mention it to your friend. even if she brings up her shower, it might make her feel bad if she found out you weren't invited initially, and then last minute, but so last minute you couldn't do anything about it. It sounds like the host perhaps had quite a few refusals, and wanted to bring the numbers up by inviting those who weren't to begin with.

[Zizi-K]

There could be so many valid reasons why you received the invite so late that have nothing to do with an A and B list. Most likely: MtB asked for you to be invited, but you slipped through the cracks until the hosts or MtB realized it at the late date and finally sent your invitation. Usually people have a good idea of how many people they want to invite to a shower, and then they plan the venue accordingly. Since you do live so far away, even if space was tight, they could have invited you and basically counted on the fact that you wouldn't/couldn't come. (Traveling for weddings is one thing, but showers? not so much.) I would contact your friend, say you wish you could have been there, have a chuckle about getting the invite so late, and then send a gift. I wouldn't take it personally - it was most likely a mistake.

[sweetonsno]

Unless you have other reasons to suspect that you were "B list," I would assume that it was an accident. Call, apologize for missing the event, mention that you didn't receive the email until after the shower, and send a gift.

[TootsNYC]

I bet the MtB and shower organizer said, "she's out of town--etiquette says don't invite out-of-town people usually, so let's not send her an invitation."

The MtB's mother (or someone else) said, "Is Belle coming for the shower?"
Answer: oh, no, we didn't invite her.
So MtB's mother (or someone else) says, "You have to send her an invitation at least! She'll be insulted! No, I insist, even if it is late, you have to send her an invitation!" and badgers them so much that they start to wonder if they're nuts or something, and so then they send an invite.

[Belle]

Like you all, I suspect that it was an oversight rather than a true "A" and "B" list. Either way, I'm not horribly upset by it - more amused than anything. As at least one person suggested, I'm going to get my friend a gift and not mention it to her - no need for her to know that I was invited at the last minute.

But I now know to be very careful about sending invitations out at different points in time, since online tracking allows people to see if they were invited much later than other people!

[TootsNYC]

To be honest, online tracking isn't the only source of that info for people--I found that people often mention it to one another, and if you dribble-drabble through your thank-you notes or invitations, they'll end up comparing notes about their mail.

[Belle]

To be honest, online tracking isn't the only source of that info for people--I found that people often mention it to one another, and if you dribble-drabble through your thank-you notes or invitations, they'll end up comparing notes about their mail.

Also true, but I personally wouldn't think as much about it if I received a hard copy of an invitation/thank-you note significantly later than other guests. Our local post office is atrocious (though they're better than they used to be) - sometimes items take weeks to appear after they've been sent. With the online invitations, there's no way to shift blame to the post office. 

[MurPl1]

I actually stopped using evite for our annual Halloween party.  Too many issues.  Sometimes it goes to Spam, sometimes people don't realize they need to click to get to the actual invite.  And interestingly the whole being able to see or hide the invite list creates problems.  making the list visible means that Belle was able to see that others had received their invite earlier than she had, and I've also seen people decline because they can see that SoandSo is coming.   And hiding the list has created the "well is SoandSo coming" drama, and the "oh I wonder who she's inviting that she doesn't want everyone else to know about.  (No, I don't really live around a bunch of middle schoolers, just seems like it).

But in the case of Belle, it may be something where they had the email address incorrect and and didn't realize til much later.  I did have that issue one year and it was another friend asking my friend if she was coming (since she'd seen her name on the list) to connect that the email I had for her had been changed.  Interestingly, she's a very sweet, polite woman so I had even thought it odd that she hadn't yet responded

[Katana_Geldar]

An invitation to a party that close shouldn't be an email, it should be a phone call. That way you can explain anything and get a response straight away.