Author Topic: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"  (Read 4754 times)

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LadyL

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"I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« on: November 15, 2013, 03:17:57 PM »
Background on Jay here:  http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=129898.0 and here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=129315.15).

We met up with some friends who'd been at the wedding and they were recounting how much fun it was, telling us funny stories about our guests, etc. and just generally being happy for us. When  Jay joined our group, he focused on how "so many people were jealous that I got to go to your wedding" - I asked "who are these people, anyone we know?" worrying that mutual friends felt snubbed because we had a relatively small guest list - he said "no, not mostly." It struck me as an odd way to put it - in the negative, as people being jealous, instead of the positive, people thought your wedding looked so fun or what have you. Then he starts talking about how he "DJ'd" our wedding - we asked him if we could use some of his equipment so that we could play setlists in between the band's sets. Originally our floor manager was going to cue up the playlists but Jay offered to do so. He ended up playing maybe 15-20 minutes of music of his choosing when one of the playlists ran out, but from the multiple posts on facebook about him DJing the wedding you would have thought we had hired him to be a dedicated DJ all night.

All of this is annoying but admittedly nit picky. What really got me was when he said "You know, Alexa really wanted to come to your wedding, but I didn't have a plus one..." Alexa is Jay's (platonic) best friend, who we have met 2-3 times, including one time he brought her to a party we hosted. We did not offer +1s except for established couples (together 1+ years, living together, or engaged). He went on to tell us that she even had a dress picked out, as if he'd told her that she would be invited...? I have no idea why he told us all of this after the wedding. I would have preferred he ask beforehand if he could bring her so that he'd have one more person he knew there - we actually did have some last minute room on the guest list and could have managed. It felt guilt trippy that he mentioned this after the fact.

I have concluded that Jay is socially clueless and immature. He thrives off of minor, mostly benign interpersonal drama (he has a faux "rivalry" with a DJ friend of his which is what I think motivated him bragging about the wedding DJing; he is regularly sharing dramatic tales of Alexa's dating life with us that are honestly none of our  business - in fact he is always telling us stories about drama of some sort, either his or other people's). I would not be surprised if he dangled a possible invite to the wedding in front of Alexa just to have something interesting going on in his life. He lives with his parents and doesn't have much going on socially or romantically so I think he cooks up this situations to keep from being bored. Honestly I have run out of patience for it now that it involves me directly instead of being stories about other people.

LordL is totally unruffled by all this behavior. He has a soft spot (or blind spot) for Jay. How do I assert my own boundaries, that I do not want my life events to be fodder for someone's rivalries/personal drama/attempts to gain status, without trampling on LordL's friendship? Jay was actually a member of LordL's bridal party, he has admittedly been a loyal friend to him for several years, and they have interests in common that they have bonded over.

GreenBird

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2013, 03:45:38 PM »
I think this particular issue is one that you may have to learn to let go of.  I don't see how you can control how Jay talks about you, so I think you'd be better served to not try.  As annoying as his "paint things with drama" habit is, it doesn't sound like he's singling you out or anything - this is just how he presents his life to everyone.  Anyone who spends a significant amount of time with him will figure out that they need to take anything he says with many grains of salt, so it's a habit that will likely affect him much more than you. 

If you're presented with a slanted story of his, don't be afraid to simply and calmly correct him.  In your example, I think you could have just said, "It's a shame you didn't say anything before the wedding - we might have been able to squeeze her in.  Oh well." and moved on.  (Don't feel like you have to correct everything he says because you can make yourself crazy doing that too, but when the solution is so obvious don't be afraid to mention it either.)

I think a good solution is probably LordL hanging out with Jay on his own when he wants, but you only hanging out with Jay in small doses.  Jay sounds like he would make me crazy too, but since he and LordL are good friends, and trying to make Jay change is likely to be an exercise in futility, I'd just go with small doses. 

cwm

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2013, 03:49:02 PM »
Personally, I'd sit LordL down and talk with him about Jay, if you haven't already. Tell him what you've told us, that you're kind of wondering why Jay would mention things like this and it feels kind of weird to you. Let him know that you don't want to be in the middle of it. You could even say that while you're happy that he's got such a good friend in Jay and you're not wanting to change that, it's your preference that you be either absent or removed from their time together.

I've had to have the conversation with BF. I don't care that his friends are his friends, but I'm not interested in spending every weekend with them. If he wants to go over to see them, it's his choice. If he wants to have them over, it's his choice. All I ask is that he gives me a bit of warning so I can decide if I want to join him or bow out.

mspallaton

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2013, 03:50:06 PM »
He sounds really insecure and like he's trying to puff his chest up about how close a friend he is to you and your husband.  Generally speaking I would recommend bean dipping and perhaps assuring your friends privately that you don't share Jay's view of the situation.

For the Alexa situation again, I might recommend a variation on the old standard 'why would I want to do that' line.  Something along the lines of "Why would Alexa think she was invited?  I'm sure she's lovely, but we've only met a couple times..."  If he is looking to start drama and pin it on others, it will call attention to the fact that this is an issue of his own making.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's any way you can get Jay not to talk about your wedding - he was in it and your husband is a good friend of his.  You can minimize your time with him and if he says something that crosses a line, I would speak up calmly but clearly about the fact that it crosses a line.  That is not so much for Jay as it is for your husband to see that lines are being crossed and encourage him to speak to his friend about it at some point.

Goosey

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2013, 03:50:32 PM »
I think these are little annoyance. You either let them go or you voice them. If he's going to around for a while, I don't see the problem with a light, teasing, "I didn't know handing a DJ a playlist was considered professional now!" or "so sad, she shouldn't have assumed she was invited." I don't know why "so many people were jealous that I got to go to your wedding" is a problem - sounds like a compliment.

sweetonsno

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2013, 04:02:46 PM »
On the one hand, I can see why he may have assumed he would get a +1. He's very close to your husband, he was a member of the wedding party, and it's more common than not to include a +1 for adult guests. On the other hand, It's unwise to promise someone an invitation before you are sure that they will be welcome.

I'm not really sure that you can say anything about this after the fact, and I'm definitely on board with not rocking the boat with your hubby's buddy. My vote would be to talk to your husband about making sure that future invitations that are extended to Jay are extra-clear to both you and Jay. Just make sure that you are both on the same page about whether he can bring a friend to your events or not and that he's extra-clear with Jay.

I really don't think that you can stop Jay from creating drama if that's what he wants to do. However, you can remove as many opportunities as possible.

bopper

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2013, 04:33:06 PM »
'Yea, I wish we had unlimited funds and could invite everyone we wanted. "

Honeypickle

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2013, 05:38:09 PM »
Oh for goodness sake - aren't you on your honeymoon? Please just go and enjoy it.

LadyL

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2013, 05:41:30 PM »
Oh for goodness sake - aren't you on your honeymoon? Please just go and enjoy it.

Nope, back at work today! We took a short trip right after the wedding, but are taking our proper mini-moon during my break from school.

ccnumber4

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2013, 05:52:02 PM »
I actually agree with Honeypickle.  A little postmortem is normal but you seem to be, in your words, "nitpicky."  You just got married and it's not worth spending your time agonizing over such minor things.  You have more important things to think about.  You'll never be able to control what other people do or say and in the grand scheme of things, I'd say this particular issue is very, very minor.  Besides, if Jay is as clueless as you say, almost anyone who knows him will know that anything he says about your wedding is probably not true. 

Lynn2000

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2013, 05:58:33 PM »
I think this particular issue is one that you may have to learn to let go of.  I don't see how you can control how Jay talks about you, so I think you'd be better served to not try.  As annoying as his "paint things with drama" habit is, it doesn't sound like he's singling you out or anything - this is just how he presents his life to everyone.  Anyone who spends a significant amount of time with him will figure out that they need to take anything he says with many grains of salt, so it's a habit that will likely affect him much more than you. 

If you're presented with a slanted story of his, don't be afraid to simply and calmly correct him.  In your example, I think you could have just said, "It's a shame you didn't say anything before the wedding - we might have been able to squeeze her in.  Oh well." and moved on.  (Don't feel like you have to correct everything he says because you can make yourself crazy doing that too, but when the solution is so obvious don't be afraid to mention it either.)

I think a good solution is probably LordL hanging out with Jay on his own when he wants, but you only hanging out with Jay in small doses.  Jay sounds like he would make me crazy too, but since he and LordL are good friends, and trying to make Jay change is likely to be an exercise in futility, I'd just go with small doses.

POD to this. Jay sounds, as you say, kind of insecure and dramatizing, but so far it doesn't seem like he's done anything horribly bad. People who know him probably know how to translate what he says into reality. I don't think you'll be able to stop him from talking about you... I would just be watching for "pre-show" drama, like if he tries to invite someone to your small, closed event against your wishes. Better that he whine about it a little afterwards, than try to shoehorn someone in beforehand, you know? Or show up at the door with them.

I would just try to stay away from him myself, though--send him and LordL off to do their own thing, hope they have a good time, and do something else fun by myself/with my own friends.
~Lynn2000

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #11 on: November 15, 2013, 08:02:20 PM »
I don't think what he is doing is rude, it is just that you don't like this guy so everything he does rubs you the wrong way (I work with someone like that..makes me twitch when I have to deal with him!).  Just let him go on and on.  If an invitation to your wedding makes him feel that special, let him have his moment in his sun.

citadelle

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #12 on: November 15, 2013, 10:26:26 PM »
Isn't it typical for members of a wedding party to get a +1?

Tea Drinker

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #13 on: November 15, 2013, 10:43:27 PM »
Isn't it typical for members of a wedding party to get a +1?

It depends. If numbers are tight enough, they might not: there are cases where letting a bridesmaid bring a date would mean not being able to invite another good friend. If you know someone well enough that they're in your wedding party, you likely know if they are dating someone seriously, even if that relationship starts after you start planning your wedding. I suspect a lot of people who would say "of course" if one of their attendants said "Chris and I have gotten pretty serious in the last six months, can I bring them to the wedding?" wouldn't offer "do you want to bring a date?" if there wasn't anyone specific.

It sounds like Jay wanted to be able to say "Alexa, are you doing anything a week from Saturday?" rather than have her there because they are that much part of each other's lives. I don't care what their relationship is like in private, but if you tell the world that someone is your platonic best friend, that means they are not your default date.
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LifeOnPluto

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Re: "I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"
« Reply #14 on: November 16, 2013, 12:03:26 AM »
Jay sounds extremely annoying, and he'd rub me up the wrong way too.

I would have said "Oh, you should have asked us before the wedding if you could bring Alexa" if you genuinely would have made room for her. Otherwise, I'd just say something non-committal ("oh, right", or "uhuh") and bean dipped.

As for all the Facebook comments about him DJ'ing your wedding, I suppose it would be a bit snarky to leave a comment saying "Thanks again Jay, for doing that 20 minute playlist!"