General Etiquette > general

"I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"

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Background on Jay here: and here:

We met up with some friends who'd been at the wedding and they were recounting how much fun it was, telling us funny stories about our guests, etc. and just generally being happy for us. When  Jay joined our group, he focused on how "so many people were jealous that I got to go to your wedding" - I asked "who are these people, anyone we know?" worrying that mutual friends felt snubbed because we had a relatively small guest list - he said "no, not mostly." It struck me as an odd way to put it - in the negative, as people being jealous, instead of the positive, people thought your wedding looked so fun or what have you. Then he starts talking about how he "DJ'd" our wedding - we asked him if we could use some of his equipment so that we could play setlists in between the band's sets. Originally our floor manager was going to cue up the playlists but Jay offered to do so. He ended up playing maybe 15-20 minutes of music of his choosing when one of the playlists ran out, but from the multiple posts on facebook about him DJing the wedding you would have thought we had hired him to be a dedicated DJ all night.

All of this is annoying but admittedly nit picky. What really got me was when he said "You know, Alexa really wanted to come to your wedding, but I didn't have a plus one..." Alexa is Jay's (platonic) best friend, who we have met 2-3 times, including one time he brought her to a party we hosted. We did not offer +1s except for established couples (together 1+ years, living together, or engaged). He went on to tell us that she even had a dress picked out, as if he'd told her that she would be invited...? I have no idea why he told us all of this after the wedding. I would have preferred he ask beforehand if he could bring her so that he'd have one more person he knew there - we actually did have some last minute room on the guest list and could have managed. It felt guilt trippy that he mentioned this after the fact.

I have concluded that Jay is socially clueless and immature. He thrives off of minor, mostly benign interpersonal drama (he has a faux "rivalry" with a DJ friend of his which is what I think motivated him bragging about the wedding DJing; he is regularly sharing dramatic tales of Alexa's dating life with us that are honestly none of our  business - in fact he is always telling us stories about drama of some sort, either his or other people's). I would not be surprised if he dangled a possible invite to the wedding in front of Alexa just to have something interesting going on in his life. He lives with his parents and doesn't have much going on socially or romantically so I think he cooks up this situations to keep from being bored. Honestly I have run out of patience for it now that it involves me directly instead of being stories about other people.

LordL is totally unruffled by all this behavior. He has a soft spot (or blind spot) for Jay. How do I assert my own boundaries, that I do not want my life events to be fodder for someone's rivalries/personal drama/attempts to gain status, without trampling on LordL's friendship? Jay was actually a member of LordL's bridal party, he has admittedly been a loyal friend to him for several years, and they have interests in common that they have bonded over.

I think this particular issue is one that you may have to learn to let go of.  I don't see how you can control how Jay talks about you, so I think you'd be better served to not try.  As annoying as his "paint things with drama" habit is, it doesn't sound like he's singling you out or anything - this is just how he presents his life to everyone.  Anyone who spends a significant amount of time with him will figure out that they need to take anything he says with many grains of salt, so it's a habit that will likely affect him much more than you. 

If you're presented with a slanted story of his, don't be afraid to simply and calmly correct him.  In your example, I think you could have just said, "It's a shame you didn't say anything before the wedding - we might have been able to squeeze her in.  Oh well." and moved on.  (Don't feel like you have to correct everything he says because you can make yourself crazy doing that too, but when the solution is so obvious don't be afraid to mention it either.)

I think a good solution is probably LordL hanging out with Jay on his own when he wants, but you only hanging out with Jay in small doses.  Jay sounds like he would make me crazy too, but since he and LordL are good friends, and trying to make Jay change is likely to be an exercise in futility, I'd just go with small doses. 

Personally, I'd sit LordL down and talk with him about Jay, if you haven't already. Tell him what you've told us, that you're kind of wondering why Jay would mention things like this and it feels kind of weird to you. Let him know that you don't want to be in the middle of it. You could even say that while you're happy that he's got such a good friend in Jay and you're not wanting to change that, it's your preference that you be either absent or removed from their time together.

I've had to have the conversation with BF. I don't care that his friends are his friends, but I'm not interested in spending every weekend with them. If he wants to go over to see them, it's his choice. If he wants to have them over, it's his choice. All I ask is that he gives me a bit of warning so I can decide if I want to join him or bow out.

He sounds really insecure and like he's trying to puff his chest up about how close a friend he is to you and your husband.  Generally speaking I would recommend bean dipping and perhaps assuring your friends privately that you don't share Jay's view of the situation.

For the Alexa situation again, I might recommend a variation on the old standard 'why would I want to do that' line.  Something along the lines of "Why would Alexa think she was invited?  I'm sure she's lovely, but we've only met a couple times..."  If he is looking to start drama and pin it on others, it will call attention to the fact that this is an issue of his own making.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's any way you can get Jay not to talk about your wedding - he was in it and your husband is a good friend of his.  You can minimize your time with him and if he says something that crosses a line, I would speak up calmly but clearly about the fact that it crosses a line.  That is not so much for Jay as it is for your husband to see that lines are being crossed and encourage him to speak to his friend about it at some point.

I think these are little annoyance. You either let them go or you voice them. If he's going to around for a while, I don't see the problem with a light, teasing, "I didn't know handing a DJ a playlist was considered professional now!" or "so sad, she shouldn't have assumed she was invited." I don't know why "so many people were jealous that I got to go to your wedding" is a problem - sounds like a compliment.


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