General Etiquette > general

"I wish I'd had a +1 to your wedding"

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--- Quote from: Lynn2000 on November 15, 2013, 04:58:33 PM ---
--- Quote from: GreenBird on November 15, 2013, 02:45:38 PM ---I think this particular issue is one that you may have to learn to let go of.  I don't see how you can control how Jay talks about you, so I think you'd be better served to not try.  As annoying as his "paint things with drama" habit is, it doesn't sound like he's singling you out or anything - this is just how he presents his life to everyone.  Anyone who spends a significant amount of time with him will figure out that they need to take anything he says with many grains of salt, so it's a habit that will likely affect him much more than you. 

--- End quote ---

POD to this. Jay sounds, as you say, kind of insecure and dramatizing, but so far it doesn't seem like he's done anything horribly bad. People who know him probably know how to translate what he says into reality. I don't think you'll be able to stop him from talking about you... I would just be watching for "pre-show" drama, like if he tries to invite someone to your small, closed event against your wishes. Better that he whine about it a little afterwards, than try to shoehorn someone in beforehand, you know? Or show up at the door with them.

I would just try to stay away from him myself, though--send him and LordL off to do their own thing, hope they have a good time, and do something else fun by myself/with my own friends.

--- End quote ---

I agree here.

I think you would be much better served by dropping the rope.

Jay is who he is. You're not going to be able to do a personality transplant.

In fact, you're not even entitled to do a personality transplant, or to demand one.

That's just the way he is. And when people say that, what they're really saying is, "We recognize that this person is not going to be changed by us, and we've figured out how to stop taking them so seriously. You should too." They *don't* mean, "this person's behavior is acceptable and you need to take everything they dish out."

Stop paying very much attention to whatever words come out of Jay's mouth. *HE* certainly doesn't!

Right here:

--- Quote ---Otherwise, I'd just say something non-committal ("oh, right", or "uhuh") and bean dipped.
--- End quote ---

And this:

--- Quote from: *inviteseller on November 15, 2013, 07:02:20 PM ---I don't think what he is doing is rude, it is just that you don't like this guy so everything he does rubs you the wrong way (I work with someone like that..makes me twitch when I have to deal with him!).  Just let him go on and on.

--- End quote ---

How do I assert my own boundaries, that I do not want my life events to be fodder for someone's rivalries/personal drama/attempts to gain status, without trampling on LordL's friendship?.

Not sure if you are asking for relationship advice or etiquette advice.

Etiquette-wise, you cannot stop someone's tongue from wagging. You can, however, stop spending time with him and find other things to do when your partner is with his friend. For activities that you must share with your partner (like a wedding!!!) you grit your teeth and bear with it. You may also choose the "wide-eyed, so-concerned-about-you approach and exclaim, "Why Jay, we hired a DJ. I wasn't aware that you had to do it too!" Or something to that effect. The key is to sound complete concerned about his welfare while exclaiming what really happened.

relationship-wise: I can't really comment on this. My MOM is like Jay and I've learned over the years to just ignore what is said as long as it isn't a criticism of me. Retelling of events, and even her claiming to do some great service which is false is not a big deal.

I do think what he is doing is rude, particularly regarding Alexa. It's rude to fish for an invitation and it's very rude to criticise your host.

Regarding the DJ-ing, I don't think that is rude - he obviously saw his role as bigger than it was, but honestly - no one else will care. Ignore it. And if it's bugging you, hide his feed from your facebook. I think if he comments in person, and you don't feel you can let it go,  it would not be rude of you to respond with something like "Oh  yes, we'd prepared all those playlists but we obviously got the timing a little bit off -  it was kind of you to step in when we had that gap to fill"  Say it with a big smile and an enthusiastic tone of voice, and you are giving him the approval he so obviously craves, without having to say anything which you personally don't feel, or don't feel is accurate.

And if you have a party in future than plan on the basis that he will see himself as having 'DJ'd' it  if he touches the music at all, so plan on that basis, and either let him do it and take the credit, or leave him out of it altogether.


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