Author Topic: train ride, was I rude?  (Read 4077 times)

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songbird

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train ride, was I rude?
« on: November 15, 2013, 06:51:20 PM »
Long Island Railroad train last weekend. 


The railroad car  is set up similar to an airplane, with bench seats on either side of a narrow aisle.  The doors are at either end of the car.


Fairly crowded train, and most of the passengers were leaving the train at the last stop.  Everyone stood up shortly after the train left the second to last station, and made their way down the aisle to the vestibules by the doors.  One young man, who was standing with his friends near the door, realized he left his ski hat on the seat in the center of the car.  Everyone moved out of his way so that he could go back to his seat and get his hat.

So far so good. 

The young man picked up his hat and wanted to come back down the aisle to rejoin his friends by the door.  However, by now the train had arrived in the station, the engineer was using the brake to stop the train, and the doors would open as soon as the train came to a complete stop. 

I'm a bit unsteady on my feet, and I was holding on to the back of a seat  to keep my balance as the train came to a stop.    I really prefer not to move when the train is braking. 

My boyfriend insists I should have moved out of the way of the young man and allowed him to pass me and walk to the door.  I felt it was not necessary to move, that the young man could meet the rest of his party on the platform in just a few minutes.   

Of course, when my boyfriend said something to me, I got snippy, and said something along the lines of not wanting to fall flat on my face just to let someone else walk past me.

Your thoughts?

Surianne

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2013, 06:59:49 PM »
Did you have a seat to begin with or were you standing in the aisle the entire ride?  If you had a seat and knew you were unsteady on your feet, I think you should have stayed sitting and let the folks who could move through the aisle quickly go first. 

I find it pretty frustrating when I'd like to get out quickly and someone with very complicated bags or young children or whatever is blocking the aisle.  Similarly if I know I'm unsteady on my feet (last year when I'd injured my leg, for example) I stay sitting so I don't get in the way of other passengers.  It's more efficient that way.

sammycat

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2013, 07:19:05 PM »
I think you were fine to stay where you were and not move out of his way. He was the one with the 'emergency', so to speak, so it's not up to everyone else to scramble to accommodate him.  Was he actually showing any signs of wanting to push forward?

MOM21SON

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2013, 07:22:20 PM »
I find it very irritating when people rush to the door to be first off.  IMO it is rude, and reeks of entitlement.

I would not have moved either.

TootsNYC

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2013, 07:46:51 PM »
Well, snippy's not good; was your boyfriend unnecessarily chiding, is that what prompted your snip?

Like you, I do not like to be untethered during "the lurch," as I call the braking on the subway. I won't stand up from a seat until the car has completely stopped.

The young man could certainly figure it out, and he certainly wasn't all that greatly inconvenienced--it was what, 90 seconds, max?

But remember that *you* could easily give him a clue.

I do think that when you are in that situation, you should give some indication--smile and say, "Just a moment, I'm hanging on."

That's all.

m2kbug

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2013, 07:59:15 PM »
Snapping at the boyfriend wasn't good, but I don't think you were rude for not moving out of the way.  It's not like he couldn't meet up with his friends on the platform. 

Is there a reason you don't just stay seated (assuming you had a seat)?

Iris

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2013, 08:44:22 PM »
I don't think you did anything wrong. The scenario I have pictured in my mind is that the aisle was full, with a 'queue' of people waiting to get off. Hence in the normal scheme of things it would not be an expectation that someone would want to get past, because that would be cutting in line. Imo it's fine in that situation to be unsteady on your feet, fuss with bags, juggle packages or whatever because you are simply marking your place in the queue. Presumably you were completely balanced and ready to move at exactly the time that it would be expected i.e. when the train was stopped and everyone was disembarking. This guy had his own situation to deal with but that is not YOUR emergency.

As to snipping at your bf; I wouldn't snip. I would however icily inform him that he is not my father, it is not his place to correct me, and I find it troubling that the convenience of a stranger seems to trump my comfort and safety in his eyes. I would then never ever mention it again.
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TootsNYC

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2013, 08:56:24 PM »

As to snipping at your bf; I wouldn't snip. I would however icily inform him that he is not my father, it is not his place to correct me, and I find it troubling that the convenience of a stranger seems to trump my comfort and safety in his eyes. I would then never ever mention it again.

Isn't that snipping? I'd think it was.


Songbird, I do think that the you should have indicated something to the young man, that's required, I think. That's all, though.

And m2Kbug has a point--if you find you're unsteady enough that you want to hold old during the braking, you might consider just sitting until the train is mostly empty, and then getting up to walk off.

You probably don't save that much time by standing, and you could keep reading, or whatever, while you waited through that whole time period. That's what I do on the airplane (but of course, I have the person on the other side of me who wants out to get their luggage).

esposita

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2013, 09:33:09 PM »

Songbird, I do think that the you should have indicated something to the young man, that's required, I think. That's all, though.

And m2Kbug has a point--if you find you're unsteady enough that you want to hold old during the braking, you might consider just sitting until the train is mostly empty, and then getting up to walk off.

You probably don't save that much time by standing, and you could keep reading, or whatever, while you waited through that whole time period. That's what I do on the airplane (but of course, I have the person on the other side of me who wants out to get their luggage).

Yes, I would have been very confused if you were fine to stand up to wait with everyone but not to let me pass you a second time. A quick "Sorry, I need to be still while the train is braking." with a kind smile and I'd be completely understanding. Otherwise I might think you were like, trying to trap me to teach me a lesson or something.

TootsNYC

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2013, 09:40:38 PM »
You can also shift aside a bit to make a bit more room even as you hold on.

I do think it's rude for people to *ask* you to let go of your support when the train is braking or about to brake..

I run into this on the subway; I'll be standing, holding on to a pole or an overhead support. And as the train is entering the station, people will want to get out of their seat to rush to the door, or walk closer to the door.  And they want me to let go. I won't. Because the train may start braking sooner than either of us expects, and I'm not going to fall down because I wasn't holding on!

I shift out of their way as much as I can (I'll even *shift* my grip if I can); I give them a vague smile; and if they ask me to move more than that, I say, "Sorry, I'm holding on."

There's plenty of time to get off the subway train if you start as soon as the lurch is over. The doors never open immediately; there's always three or four seconds.

AuntyEm

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2013, 10:28:54 PM »
Not rude. The guy should have just waited until the train stopped at that point. 

On the subway if I'm standing and can't move any further over to let someone by who wants to start making their way to the door early then I just tell them I'll let them by as soon as the train stops and I can let go.

 It's usually the people unfamiliar with riding the subway that do that--the regulars know that people will let them off so no need to get into a panic.

sweetonsno

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #11 on: November 16, 2013, 12:16:57 AM »
I'm somewhere in the middle. On the one hand, he forgot something and was technically no longer "in line." On the other hand, I think the aisle is for walking and people who want to stay still (because they have to put on their coat, gather their things, whatever) should stay out of it until they're ready to move. It's kind of like camping out near the doors and not standing aside to let people enter or exit the train.

I think there's entitlement to the attitude that everyone else needs to go at your pace, whether you want to go faster or slower, which is why I'm a fan of folks who want to go slower moving aside so people can pass. We've all been too tired to hustle after a long day. We've all had our planes arrive late and needed to haul butt to make a connection. We all know someone who has had their headlights suddenly go dim or lose tire pressure and not been comfortable going the posted speed limit. We all know people who have gotten a call that a loved one had an accident and is in the hospital and wanted to get there as soon as possible. Being tailgated is unpleasant, but so is being stuck behind someone who is going below the speed limit.

My personal rule of thumb is that people who want to use a space for its primary intended purpose have priority over those who want to use it for something else. For instance, let's say that there is only one sink in the bathroom. Its primary purpose is hand-washing, so people who need to wash their hands should do so. Even if I was there first, I'm going to yield to the lady who wants to clean up if I'm using the space to touch up my makeup. Doors are for entering and exiting a room/building/train, so I should step aside for the person who is getting in or out if I'm waiting for my cab or having a chat away from the crowd.

I agree with the PPs that you shouldn't risk toppling over to let someone pass. (Though if you are really very unsteady, I recommend staying seated until the train is completely stopped, not just from an etiquette standpoint, but from a safety standpoint as well. If the train braked harder than usual and you lost your grip, you could fall and hurt yourself or others.) In this case, I think an apologetic smile and a quick explanation that you aren't very steady probably would have

Raintree

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #12 on: November 16, 2013, 12:37:47 AM »
I think it's perfectly reasonable for anyone and everyone to hang on while the train is braking. Stand up, move towards the door, find a pole or ceiling strap to hang onto while the train brakes. The OP is perfectly in the clear, IMO. I'd probably have snapped at my boyfriend too, but then I'm sensitive to being "corrected" for every little perceived misdemeanor that doesn't even remotely affect him, which is probably why we are no longer together  :D

sammycat

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #13 on: November 16, 2013, 01:50:47 AM »
I think it's perfectly reasonable for anyone and everyone to hang on while the train is braking. Stand up, move towards the door, find a pole or ceiling strap to hang onto while the train brakes. The OP is perfectly in the clear, IMO. I'd probably have snapped at my boyfriend too, but then I'm sensitive to being "corrected" for every little perceived misdemeanor that doesn't even remotely affect him, which is probably why we are no longer together  :D

This is exactly my experience too and I agree the OP is totally in the clear.

If everyone waited until the train/bus/boat came to a complete stop, they'd run the risk of missing their stop and/or by the 3rd or 4th stop the vehicle would start to fall way behind schedule.

OP, I think your boyfriend was wrong to criticise you for what, in the scheme of things, is a very minor matter.

Iris

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Re: train ride, was I rude?
« Reply #14 on: November 16, 2013, 02:27:27 AM »

As to snipping at your bf; I wouldn't snip. I would however icily inform him that he is not my father, it is not his place to correct me, and I find it troubling that the convenience of a stranger seems to trump my comfort and safety in his eyes. I would then never ever mention it again.

Isn't that snipping? I'd think it was.



Perhaps it's differing semantics, but I interpret 'snipping' as being argumentative in tone. I wouldn't do that; but I would consider correcting me over minor matters that don't affect him at all to be a relationship deal breaker (personal opinion of course) and assuming we'd been dating a little while and everything else was going well would consider it only fair to let him know that as a simple matter of fact.

*shrugs* as I said probably semantics, what I meant was I wouldn't *argue* with him, he'd have no chance to "insist" as is mentioned in the OP because either he'd drop it very quickly or the relationship would be seriously damaged.
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