Author Topic: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with  (Read 3266 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Jones

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2598
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #15 on: December 03, 2013, 10:49:29 PM »
My minor annoyance: We went to my parents' house, they live about an hour away. Dinner was to be served at 1:00. We arrived at 1:02, timing it close but not exactly, to discover the prayer had been said and folks had already gone through the line...starting around 12:45, because everything had been ready, so why hold off?

My parents hadn't yet gotten their food, they waited until we got ours.

A very minor annoyance, as there was plenty of food and it was nice to not wait in a line to serve ourselves at the buffet. My BIL and his two kids got there at the same time we did, then he went home to be with the sick third child and his wife (my sister) came late, for pie. I didn't resent the early start at all, but I was put in mind of all the stories I've read of people holding up dinner for another guest or a few guests; my family is opposite, apparently; they serve the people who are there early.

greencat

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2548
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2013, 10:59:37 PM »
My minor annoyance: We went to my parents' house, they live about an hour away. Dinner was to be served at 1:00. We arrived at 1:02, timing it close but not exactly, to discover the prayer had been said and folks had already gone through the line...starting around 12:45, because everything had been ready, so why hold off?

My parents hadn't yet gotten their food, they waited until we got ours.

A very minor annoyance, as there was plenty of food and it was nice to not wait in a line to serve ourselves at the buffet. My BIL and his two kids got there at the same time we did, then he went home to be with the sick third child and his wife (my sister) came late, for pie. I didn't resent the early start at all, but I was put in mind of all the stories I've read of people holding up dinner for another guest or a few guests; my family is opposite, apparently; they serve the people who are there early.

I think the problem is that you came after dinner was supposed to be served - I would consider someone arriving exactly at the planned time for the meal to be verging on actually being late.  Surely you should show up at least a few minutes before the scheduled serving time to have time to remove coats and say hello?

Jones

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2598
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #17 on: December 03, 2013, 11:04:46 PM »
See, normally I show up to everything 10-15 minutes early. Then last week there was a thread on here where people said it was rude to show up early. This was the first time I've ever planned to show up exactly on time to a thing.

ETA: It was the poll " Perfectly polite (but inexplicably annoying) personality traits ". It's amusing to me now, if I had been my normal early self, I'd have been right on time for dinner.
« Last Edit: December 03, 2013, 11:07:13 PM by Jones »

daen

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 798
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2013, 12:40:09 AM »
See, normally I show up to everything 10-15 minutes early. Then last week there was a thread on here where people said it was rude to show up early. This was the first time I've ever planned to show up exactly on time to a thing.

ETA: It was the poll " Perfectly polite (but inexplicably annoying) personality traits ". It's amusing to me now, if I had been my normal early self, I'd have been right on time for dinner.

And that is why I prefer the "come around 5:30; we'll eat at 6:00" invitation. Then I know when it's "safe" to arrive, and I don't have to worry about "Did they mean show up at 5:30 or sit down to eat at 5:30?"

metallicafan

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 357
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #19 on: December 04, 2013, 01:06:13 AM »
My BIL & SIL are late 99% of the time usually at least an hour, sometimes more.  MIL & FIL insist upon waiting for them to come before we all can eat, because they believe family should eat together.  It gets extremely frustrating having to wait every time.

Deetee

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5656
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #20 on: December 04, 2013, 01:16:47 AM »
On number one. I think it is rude to everyone else (the guests and the hosts) to hold the meal for someone who chooses not to show up on time.

I was thinking about this last month. We had a nice dinner planned and then my BIL said he would be in town to cost. Perfect! He was invited to fancy dinner. On the day of he called and said his ride was late and he would be late. My husband said "Oh too bad! We'll save you a plate."

End of story.

It was great. No worry on our end. We had dinner as planned. BIL showed up during dessert. He was welcomed warmly and had his dinner with one of his favorite side dishes (that we added to the meal for him) and it was a nice meal.

I'll hold a meal for a true emergency or for late guest who is normally always on time, but flaky people get their food put to one side. I don't like to resent people so I try to avoid doing things grudgingly.


English1

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 283
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #21 on: December 04, 2013, 05:43:54 AM »
 "My MIL comes from a culture where time is flexible and no one gets bent out of shape over an hour to two. It's assumed your going to be late. I work with people from this culture a lot. It took me years to get passed my annoyance about meetings never starting on time. An 8am meeting means they show up in the conference room at 8:15, visit, grab coffee, and start the meeting around 9 if I'm lucky."

My ex was from a culture like this, and I also work mainly within that culture. We don't allow it with our own staff, but for external meetings with clients etc, yep I build in an automatic hanging around time until they turn up. It really is inherent in the culture and they even call it 'Blue-time' as a joke. On the personal side though, with my ex, it was an accepted thing but when there were meals involved generally there wasn't an expectation of the meal being served at any set time. The meal was prepared and kept ready, then people were served and the food reheated for them as and when they arrived. We rarely ate as a group with other people - it was all done in dribs and drabs throughout the get together. I realise that's trickier with something like Thanksgiving when you all want to sit down together, but for more informal meals you could try that approach.

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6552
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #22 on: December 04, 2013, 09:01:39 AM »
Start eating on time.

It was rude to make the other guests wait and then delay the rest of their day (and therefore their hosts who would also be waiting for them) and so on. It's a domino effect. Your MIL was causing inconvenience to people she doesn't even know!

Do it a couple of times and she'll get the message.

It's extremely rude to be late like this. Not because of emergencies, but because you can't be bothered to get there on time and think everyone else should wait for you.

I was like this, when I was younger. I was always late. I never got the big deal about it. And then I read an article somewhere that pointed out how very obnoxious it is. That it's about thinking you and your time are worth so much more than everyone else's put together, that you are big-headed and arrogant if you are like this. I'm glad I read that article. It shook me up out of the habit. I simply hadn't thought of it that way and I was ashamed. I learned my lesson when I was in my early 20s. Your MIL really should have learned it by now.

Believe me I know it is rude of her to never get to anywhere on time in my culture. My MIL comes from a culture where time is flexible and no one gets bent out of shape over an hour to two. It's assumed your going to be late. I work with people from this culture a lot. It took me years to get passed my annoyance about meetings never starting on time. An 8am meeting means they show up in the conference room at 8:15, visit, grab coffee, and start the meeting around 9 if I'm lucky.

I quit banging my head against this wall a long time ago. Since everyone waiting for her was either her child, her grandchild, or her DIL, no one was going to start eating without her. After 20 plus years, you just learn to deal with it.

But I guess my question was since we all know her lateness, we all historically enable her lateness, is it rude to have everything set and ready to serve as soon as the last guest arrives? She literally walked in, gave hugs to everyone, I had DD reheat her potatoes and we started serving.

I get what you're saying, Hmmmm, but even with the cultural background, there's no feeling of "oops" or embarrassment when you see everyone sitting in their seats looking at you with empty plates in front of them? I'd be mortified.


Well, we would never take it that far because that would be a etiquette issue because you are highlighting someone else's etiquette lapse. My concern was us obviously rushing to get food out when she arrived came extremely close to the same.

And yes, every greeting starts with "sorry I'm late, but....".

Julsie

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 129
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #23 on: December 04, 2013, 11:29:35 AM »
I adore my BF, but he reminds me of your MIL. We were supposed to be at TG dinner by 1, we showed up closer to 2. His excuse? Well, he had to wait for the casserole dish to cool before we could carry it, and it took longer to cook than he had thought. Because the cook time was listed at 30-45 minutes, he planned on 30 minutes for the whole thing. Also, I wasn't there to wake him up on time. He had expected that I would get him out of bed with enough time to get things cooked...

There are so many things in this scenario that would have me running for the hills.  I'll simply address Excuse #1:  No, you don't.

I would have told him sweetly, "Put on oven mitts.  Place the casserole dish on a cookie sheet or in a cardboard box and get your a@... er... self... to the dinner."  And then I would run for the hills.

lmyrs

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1138
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #24 on: December 09, 2013, 10:12:04 AM »
I've mentioned this when it's come up in other threads, but I think it's really rude to hold a whole group of people back from eating a meal that is ready to be served because you're waiting on one person. Rude of the late one and rude of the host. I understand that when dealing with family, it may be a bit more lax and that everyone waiting in the OP's case was family of the late woman. But SIL and BIL were probably late for her family event, so it made all of those people wait too and they're not MIL's family. I would have served on time.

And, I wouldn't really think anymore about the BF. Some people don't really care about the holidays. Some people find large family gatherings stressful or annoying. Some people just really like shopping. I don't think it was a personal anything against the host or the family and I wouldn't worry about it. He knew he was invited. He chose not to attend. That's about it.

Outdoor Girl

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13972
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #25 on: December 09, 2013, 10:19:16 AM »
I'll slow my roll on the last minute prep if someone is late but once I have the meal ready to go?  We're eating.  I'll make you a plate so you can nuke it and if you arrive before I serve dessert, I'll hold dessert until you've eaten your plate.  But that's about it.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

peaches

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 839
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #26 on: December 09, 2013, 10:37:49 AM »
My MIL prepared the Thanksgiving dinner for many years. Her policy was "Dinner at 1 p.m. Come early to visit." Dinner really did start on time. Most people came between noon and 12:30, to have a chance to say Hello before the meal.

Anyone who plans to arrive "on the dot" runs a good chance of being late. The running late doesn't bother me, but expecting everyone to wait for the latecomers would.

 

Outdoor Girl

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13972
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #27 on: December 09, 2013, 10:47:21 AM »
My Mom was always an early bird.  She'd invited some friends for Thanksgiving and told them to come between 12:30 and 1:00.  At 12:50, she wondered where the friends were.  One of the other guests commented, 'When [Mom] says 1:00, she means 1:00!'.  My Dad and I, in unison, from different parts of the house, replied, 'No, she means 12:30'.

Friend arrived shortly thereafter and the meal was served relatively on time.

I now always issue invitations like peaches MIL, 'Dinner is at 6:00.  Come anytime after 5:00.'
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

whiskeytangofoxtrot

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 316
Re: The minor annoyances and etiquette faux pas you've dealt with
« Reply #28 on: December 09, 2013, 12:52:34 PM »
One of DH's nieces and her family are notorious about not replying to holiday invites. I have to ask them 2-3 times, at least, if they're coming for dinner, just dropping by later, or not at all. It wouldn't matter that much if we had a bigger house, but trying to arrange seating for at least 12 and perhaps as many as 16 in my less than 1200 ft2 house can be a little challenging even when I do know how many butts to accommodate! From now on, I'm just going to assume that if they come at all, it won't be until later. If they actually do show up in time for dinner, they can eat in the living room on a card table. Sorry, you didn't say you were coming...