Author Topic: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line- Update #109  (Read 14137 times)

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mich3554

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #45 on: November 24, 2013, 11:25:38 PM »
Both my bf and I have Nexus cards.  The border crossing where we cross is one of the busiest and seeing a 2 hour wait with cars backed up for miles is not unusual.

I'm not sure what to suggest other than if you really do want to go over the border, try to choose an off peak time to go.  From what I have seen, if you plan to go very early in the morning, and try to get back early afternoon, it might work....but that means you hit the stores when they open, and be returning just after lunch.  As the time goes later, the lines get worse.

Online, wait times are often available so maybe watching wait times over several days, you can find patterns.

Or just flat out ask her if she got her Nexus card yet.


mich3554

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #46 on: November 24, 2013, 11:29:06 PM »
Why in the world would someone without a car need a nexus card?

I think it's great that you are willing to compromise and find a time that's good to travel for both of you.

Because Nexus cards are good for things other than border travel by car.  It expedited our retun from Mexico this year and we got to bypass the very lengthy line at customs.

cicero

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #47 on: November 25, 2013, 12:04:57 AM »
I wouldn't expect someone without a car to buy a Nexus card.  $50 and several months sounds like a lot to invest for the occasional trip.  I wouldn't express any surprise or outrage that she doesn't have one, and I wouldn't assume that she's going to get one ("Oh you want to join us, great, I guess you have your Nexus card now!")

I don't have a car.  I'd rather you just be honest with me.  Let her know the trip is only for people with Nexus cards.  Does that mean you value a Nexus card over her company?  Yes, it does.  So own it.
I think that is unfair and untrue. Would it be equally true to say that you value your 50$ over your friendship because she is not willing to dpend the $50 to simplify these trips? Just because the op ( and judging from the responses here, many others) don't reliush the thought of waiting in line for two hours each way, doesn't mean they don't"value the friendship as much as the card". There are ways to get a card, it's not overly expensive. Having or not having a car doesn't matter. I still think the OP just needs to ask her why she won't get one

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Surianne

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #48 on: November 25, 2013, 12:19:11 AM »
I wouldn't expect someone without a car to buy a Nexus card.  $50 and several months sounds like a lot to invest for the occasional trip.  I wouldn't express any surprise or outrage that she doesn't have one, and I wouldn't assume that she's going to get one ("Oh you want to join us, great, I guess you have your Nexus card now!")

I don't have a car.  I'd rather you just be honest with me.  Let her know the trip is only for people with Nexus cards.  Does that mean you value a Nexus card over her company?  Yes, it does.  So own it.
I think that is unfair and untrue. Would it be equally true to say that you value your 50$ over your friendship because she is not willing to dpend the $50 to simplify these trips? Just because the op ( and judging from the responses here, many others) don't reliush the thought of waiting in line for two hours each way, doesn't mean they don't"value the friendship as much as the card". There are ways to get a card, it's not overly expensive. Having or not having a car doesn't matter. I still think the OP just needs to ask her why she won't get one

I'm not sure where the outrage is coming from here or what I've said that's untrue.  I also didn't say anything about valuing money over friendship.  I understand that you're angry, and that you typed this very quickly in your anger, but it might help to reread my post?

There's no reason to assume the friend has gotten a card, or to assume she even wants one.  Doing so is passive aggressive ("Oh, do you have your Nexus card now?" "Oh great, you must have your Nexus card!") and not useful.  The friend is not required to defend her choices to the OP (to some people, including me, $50 *is* a good chunk of money), just as the OP isn't required to defend her choices to the friend. 

All the OP has to do here is say "I'm sorry, but we'll be going through the Nexus line, so if you don't have a card, you won't be able to join is this time.  But I'd love to grab lunch with you next week." 

Which is fine.  There's nothing wrong with choosing time over someone's company for a particular trip.  I do it often, in other situations.  For example, not inviting a friend to the mall with me because I know she loves trying on clothes for fun, and I want to get in and out quickly.  Or not inviting a friend to a concert because she's always late, and I want to get there early and bypass the line. 

It has nothing to do with the friendship as a whole.

AngelicGamer

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #49 on: November 25, 2013, 12:50:31 AM »
I'd wish the OP would come back to give us some answers - like if her friend has the 50 bucks to get the card.  If there's something in the friend's past that might be embarrassing and so out of left field that stops her from getting the card.  Or if it's just a simple mistake.  Or the only way to get one is in person and there's no public transport to get there.  If it was the last one, I wonder if the OP would offer to drive her friend to go fill out the information.

However, all of this is making me think I should go get a passport because I'm the odd person out of my friends that doesn't have one.  I haven't had one since I was about twelve/thirteen and I don't know where it is, but I did need it in the past.  Like when we went to Niagara Falls - some of the group wanted to go on the boat that went into Canada but you needed a passport for it.  I was very willing to sit and wait for everyone - there were places that I could - but they decided not to.  I was not the deciding factor, the weather was (raining and windy all day), but I feel it's kind of similar.




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buvezdevin

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #50 on: November 25, 2013, 12:56:46 AM »
I wouldn't expect someone without a car to buy a Nexus card.  $50 and several months sounds like a lot to invest for the occasional trip.  I wouldn't express any surprise or outrage that she doesn't have one, and I wouldn't assume that she's going to get one ("Oh you want to join us, great, I guess you have your Nexus card now!")

I don't have a car.  I'd rather you just be honest with me.  Let her know the trip is only for people with Nexus cards.  Does that mean you value a Nexus card over her company?  Yes, it does.  So own it.
I think that is unfair and untrue. Would it be equally true to say that you value your 50$ over your friendship because she is not willing to dpend the $50 to simplify these trips? Just because the op ( and judging from the responses here, many others) don't reliush the thought of waiting in line for two hours each way, doesn't mean they don't"value the friendship as much as the card". There are ways to get a card, it's not overly expensive. Having or not having a car doesn't matter. I still think the OP just needs to ask her why she won't get one

I'm not sure where the outrage is coming from here or what I've said that's untrue.  I also didn't say anything about valuing money over friendship.  I understand that you're angry, and that you typed this very quickly in your anger, but it might help to reread my post?

There's no reason to assume the friend has gotten a card, or to assume she even wants one.  Doing so is passive aggressive ("Oh, do you have your Nexus card now?" "Oh great, you must have your Nexus card!") and not useful.  The friend is not required to defend her choices to the OP (to some people, including me, $50 *is* a good chunk of money), just as the OP isn't required to defend her choices to the friend. 

All the OP has to do here is say "I'm sorry, but we'll be going through the Nexus line, so if you don't have a card, you won't be able to join is this time.  But I'd love to grab lunch with you next week." 

Which is fine.  There's nothing wrong with choosing time over someone's company for a particular trip.  I do it often, in other situations.  For example, not inviting a friend to the mall with me because I know she loves trying on clothes for fun, and I want to get in and out quickly.  Or not inviting a friend to a concert because she's always late, and I want to get there early and bypass the line. 

It has nothing to do with the friendship as a whole.

Surianne, I think the phrasing of your first post was not exactly what you meant as clarified by your last post.  OP does not value a nexus card more than her friend.  She values not spending time sitting in line enough to *get* a nexus card, her friend apparently does not.  Neither is wrong, neither choice signals lack of interest in a friendship with a person making a different choice.  OP is simply looking for a polite way to let a friend know that OP does not want to sit in line at the border, and until OP's friend gets a nexus card, OP would prefer to spend time together doing things that do not involve crossing the border.  Just as your choice to go to the mall without your friend does not mean you value the mall more than your friend, you simply have different "styles" of shopping at the mall, and they are not compatible unless one of you accommodates the other, and doesn't follow a differing personal preference.
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cicero

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #51 on: November 25, 2013, 02:20:49 AM »
I wouldn't expect someone without a car to buy a Nexus card.  $50 and several months sounds like a lot to invest for the occasional trip.  I wouldn't express any surprise or outrage that she doesn't have one, and I wouldn't assume that she's going to get one ("Oh you want to join us, great, I guess you have your Nexus card now!")

I don't have a car.  I'd rather you just be honest with me.  Let her know the trip is only for people with Nexus cards.  Does that mean you value a Nexus card over her company?  Yes, it does.  So own it.
I think that is unfair and untrue. Would it be equally true to say that you value your 50$ over your friendship because she is not willing to dpend the $50 to simplify these trips? Just because the op ( and judging from the responses here, many others) don't reliush the thought of waiting in line for two hours each way, doesn't mean they don't"value the friendship as much as the card". There are ways to get a card, it's not overly expensive. Having or not having a car doesn't matter. I still think the OP just needs to ask her why she won't get one

I'm not sure where the outrage is coming from here or what I've said that's untrue.  I also didn't say anything about valuing money over friendship.  I understand that you're angry, and that you typed this very quickly in your anger, but it might help to reread my post?

There's no reason to assume the friend has gotten a card, or to assume she even wants one.  Doing so is passive aggressive ("Oh, do you have your Nexus card now?" "Oh great, you must have your Nexus card!") and not useful.  The friend is not required to defend her choices to the OP (to some people, including me, $50 *is* a good chunk of money), just as the OP isn't required to defend her choices to the friend. 

All the OP has to do here is say "I'm sorry, but we'll be going through the Nexus line, so if you don't have a card, you won't be able to join is this time.  But I'd love to grab lunch with you next week." 

Which is fine.  There's nothing wrong with choosing time over someone's company for a particular trip.  I do it often, in other situations.  For example, not inviting a friend to the mall with me because I know she loves trying on clothes for fun, and I want to get in and out quickly.  Or not inviting a friend to a concert because she's always late, and I want to get there early and bypass the line. 

It has nothing to do with the friendship as a whole.
i'm neither outraged nor angry.

i read what you wrote:
Quote
I don't have a car.  I'd rather you just be honest with me.  Let her know the trip is only for people with Nexus cards.  Does that mean you value a Nexus card over her company?  Yes, it does.  So own it.
and i understand that what you wrote says that you believe that the OP values the nexus card over the friendship.


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AmericanRose

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #52 on: November 25, 2013, 05:16:54 AM »
I don't know.. I just got back from Canada (west coast!  8) ) and when I crossed this afternoon (to Canada), there was even one lane open but completely empty. And when I crossed this evening (to the US), I only had 3 cars in front of me, and I was through in 5 minutes. But of course, I don't know what it's like on Fridays or Saturdays, and it was horrible in summer. Now, though, people aren't crossing as much.. but the longest I've had to wait was 25 minutes, and that was a Sunday afternoon in July. A friend of mine was strongly encouraging me to get a Nexus card, but so far it doesn't seem worth it to me.

I wouldn't cross this upcoming weekend without one, though!

mich3554

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #53 on: November 25, 2013, 06:34:39 AM »
I don't know.. I just got back from Canada (west coast!  8) ) and when I crossed this afternoon (to Canada), there was even one lane open but completely empty. And when I crossed this evening (to the US), I only had 3 cars in front of me, and I was through in 5 minutes. But of course, I don't know what it's like on Fridays or Saturdays, and it was horrible in summer. Now, though, people aren't crossing as much.. but the longest I've had to wait was 25 minutes, and that was a Sunday afternoon in July. A friend of mine was strongly encouraging me to get a Nexus card, but so far it doesn't seem worth it to me.

I wouldn't cross this upcoming weekend without one, though!

Ugly, really ugly.

We tend to use the Peace Arch crossing to and from Vanvouver and went through Friday evening (flew out of Vancouver Sat am).  There was a 45 min wait to get into Canada in the normal lanes. 

But the time before, maybe about 2 weeks earlier, we were coming back on Sat.  The line of cars waiting to get into Canada went on forever, easily 5 miles.  You couldn't even access the Nexus lanes because the road hadn't split off for them that soon.  The sign said there was a 2 hour wait and I think that was optimistic.  Had I come across that wait, I'd have probably backtracked and gotten a hotel room for the night.  That was well after 9 pm.

When you see vendors out with carts selling drinks to people waiting in line in cars, it is not going to be pretty!

Another Sarah

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #54 on: November 25, 2013, 07:11:10 AM »
i read what you wrote:
Quote
I don't have a car.  I'd rather you just be honest with me.  Let her know the trip is only for people with Nexus cards.  Does that mean you value a Nexus card over her company?  Yes, it does.  So own it.
and i understand that what you wrote says that you believe that the OP values the nexus card over the friendship.

Valuing the card over her company is not the same as valuing the card over her friendship.
OP clearly would prefer to go through the quick line than have her friend in the car.
That doesn't make her selfish, mean or a bad friend.

But with that being the case, she needs to be honest with her friend, and she doesn't have the right to decide and announce that her friend needs to get a card.

I would just reply that I would love to go shopping with you!  Have you gotten your Nexus card yet?  (Yes!  Great!  Let's make plans).

Not responding specifically to you, YummyMummy, as to the general idea of the OP saying something to her friend that implies the friend has already got a card, or plans to get one.  It's come up several times.  To be honest, if I were the OP's friend, I would find this to be a combination of passive-aggressive and condescending.

From the information given by the OP, my understanding is that the friend has not communicated any intention to get a Nexus card.  So for the OP to act as though her friend has said otherwise just feels "off" to me, and not very respectful. 

I agree with this completely.

She can ask her friend to get one, she can arrange to meet her friend over the border, or she can decide that the time and trouble is worth it for her friend to be in the car with her.

I think OP posted (I can't find it now) that sending her on the bus would be mean. I don't follow the logic that that's worse than telling her she can't come on the trip at all because she doesn't have the card.
I would find that much worse actually, after all it's not a requirement of friendship that she always gets a lift whenever she wants one, but excluding her from the trip completely by not offering her the chance to make alternative arrangements seems silly to me.

(edited cause it got a bit quotey)
« Last Edit: November 25, 2013, 07:19:37 AM by Another Sarah »

Kari

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #55 on: November 25, 2013, 09:21:59 AM »
OP can simply arrange for other outings (that don't involve border crossing) with her friend. Their time together doesn't have to be spent traveling to the U.S. I think the OP should enjoy her Nexus card, keep her shopping trips over the border discrete as she has been, and schedule other events with her friend.

Surianne

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #56 on: November 25, 2013, 10:26:49 AM »
i read what you wrote:
Quote
I don't have a car.  I'd rather you just be honest with me.  Let her know the trip is only for people with Nexus cards.  Does that mean you value a Nexus card over her company?  Yes, it does.  So own it.
and i understand that what you wrote says that you believe that the OP values the nexus card over the friendship.

Valuing the card over her company is not the same as valuing the card over her friendship.
OP clearly would prefer to go through the quick line than have her friend in the car.
That doesn't make her selfish, mean or a bad friend.

But with that being the case, she needs to be honest with her friend, and she doesn't have the right to decide and announce that her friend needs to get a card.

Thanks Another Sarah, yes, that's exactly what I was saying.  The OP's preferences aren't wrong at all, and she should just be honest, without any assumptions about the friend getting the Nexus card.

marcel

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #57 on: November 25, 2013, 10:38:22 AM »
i read what you wrote:
Quote
I don't have a car.  I'd rather you just be honest with me.  Let her know the trip is only for people with Nexus cards.  Does that mean you value a Nexus card over her company?  Yes, it does.  So own it.
and i understand that what you wrote says that you believe that the OP values the nexus card over the friendship.

Valuing the card over her company is not the same as valuing the card over her friendship.
OP clearly would prefer to go through the quick line than have her friend in the car.
That doesn't make her selfish, mean or a bad friend.

But with that being the case, she needs to be honest with her friend, and she doesn't have the right to decide and announce that her friend needs to get a card.

Thanks Another Sarah, yes, that's exactly what I was saying.  The OP's preferences aren't wrong at all, and she should just be honest, without any assumptions about the friend getting the Nexus card.
However, the OP does not value the card in any way, the only thing that she values is her time in the US, or more accurately, she values not spending time in line.

Also, the OP's friend values her time in the US over the company of her friend just as much as her friend values not getting a cards over her friends company, it is quite clear that they both have things that are more important to them then the other persons company on a visit ti the US. for the OP it is not wasting time in line, and for her friend it is not getting a card.
« Last Edit: November 25, 2013, 10:40:06 AM by marcel »
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bopper

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #58 on: November 25, 2013, 10:49:39 AM »
You could tell your friend:


"Have you considered getting  Nexus card? It saves us like 2 hours each way.  If you can't get one, we could meet you across the border and then go shopping from there."

Surianne

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Re: But if you come with me, I have to wait in the regular line
« Reply #59 on: November 25, 2013, 10:54:54 AM »
However, the OP does not value the card in any way, the only thing that she values is her time in the US, or more accurately, she values not spending time in line.

Also, the OP's friend values her time in the US over the company of her friend just as much as her friend values not getting a cards over her friends company, it is quite clear that they both have things that are more important to them then the other persons company on a visit ti the US. for the OP it is not wasting time in line, and for her friend it is not getting a card.

I'm really not even sure what you're trying to argue here.  I think it's just semantics at this point, whether it's the card (which represents saved time) or time that is valued. 

My point is that the kindest and easiest way to handle this is to just be honest, and say this is a trip for people with Nexus cards.  Then the friend can decide on her own whether or not she wants to get one.