Author Topic: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake? Update p79  (Read 9505 times)

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perpetua

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake?
« Reply #75 on: November 27, 2013, 03:33:55 PM »
I think they should listen to instructions, but then I absolutely detest funerals (too religious).

In my language "funeral" is also used to  atheist burial service. I assumed it is same in English, but you say only religious service is funeral.

Can anyone tell me how is atheist burial service properly called in English language?

I also would think that any sort of official "people coming, someone standing up in front and saying something" is a funeral. It's the somberness that makes it a funeral, to me.

I think this depends on which bit of the English language you're talking about too: In the UK, a 'funeral' is a gathering of people at a service, either religious in a church building or non-religious in a funeral home, to commemorate someone's passing.The coffin is usually present and there's usually a burial or cremation straight afterwards.

In America, I've heard this referred to as a 'memorial service', which is a term that's not really caught on over here, but I'm not sure if it's quite the same thing.

The 'wake' is the gathering that's held immediately after the funeral, usually at the house of the deceased's relatives with some food and drink, in which the funeral-goers socialise and remember the deceased person, usually in a much more cheerful way than the preceding service.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2013, 04:05:42 AM by perpetua »

Marbles

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake?
« Reply #76 on: November 29, 2013, 01:38:53 AM »
[snipped the quote tree]

I think this depends on which bit of the English language you're talking about too: In the UK, a 'funeral' is a gathering of people at a service, either religious in a church building or non-religious in a funeral home, to commemorate someone's passing.The coffin is usually present and there's usually a burial or cremation straight afterwards.

In America, I've heard this referred to as a 'memorial service', which is a term that's not really caught on over here, but I'm not sure if it's quite the same thing.

The 'wake' is the gathering that's held immediately after the funeral, usually at the house of the deceased's relatives with some food and drink, in which the funeral-goers socialise and remember the deceased person, usually in a much more cheerful way than the preceding service.

In my part of the States, a funeral is usually a religious service and will most likely have the remains present. Funerals are primarily held in church buildings, but may also be held in other places. Funerals, I find are more scripted, with specific prayers and eulogists chosen ahead of time. They may be followed with an interment or graveside service.

A memorial service, is a gathering that is not a formal religious ceremony and does not have the remains present , though it may be held in a church and have prayer as part of the service (a prayer vs. a mass). I find that they have some scripted parts, whether prayer, song, or primary eulogy; and then the floor opens up to anyone in attendance to share remembrances.

There is some cross-over in the formality and whether the floor will be opened to all. (This also has something to do with how widely attended the funeral is expected to be. A large gathering is less likely to be given an open mic, just so that the whole crowd isn't trapped for hours.)

After either a funeral or a memorial service, there is normally some sort of hospitality provided, either by guests, the family, or a group associated with the church or the deceased. (At my grandmother's memorial service, for instance, her former coworkers and patients got together to organize the food. It was very touching.) This will be a time for more informal sharing of memories.

We don't really hold wakes around here, but I would call a more irreverent gathering a wake. This would happen in addition to a more solemn service.


peaches

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake?
« Reply #77 on: November 29, 2013, 02:51:15 AM »
I would add, a funeral is usually held soon after the death and is followed by burial or cremation.

A memorial service might be held right away, or it might take place weeks (or even a month or more) after the death (as the remains are not present).


nolechica

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake?
« Reply #78 on: November 29, 2013, 03:39:56 AM »
[snipped the quote tree]

I think this depends on which bit of the English language you're talking about too: In the UK, a 'funeral' is a gathering of people at a service, either religious in a church building or non-religious in a funeral home, to commemorate someone's passing.The coffin is usually present and there's usually a burial or cremation straight afterwards.

In America, I've heard this referred to as a 'memorial service', which is a term that's not really caught on over here, but I'm not sure if it's quite the same thing.

The 'wake' is the gathering that's held immediately after the funeral, usually at the house of the deceased's relatives with some food and drink, in which the funeral-goers socialise and remember the deceased person, usually in a much more cheerful way than the preceding service.

In my part of the States, a funeral is usually a religious service and will most likely have the remains present. Funerals are primarily held in church buildings, but may also be held in other places. Funerals, I find are more scripted, with specific prayers and eulogists chosen ahead of time. They may be followed with an interment or graveside service.

A memorial service, is a gathering that is not a formal religious ceremony and does not have the remains present , though it may be held in a church and have prayer as part of the service (a prayer vs. a mass). I find that they have some scripted parts, whether prayer, song, or primary eulogy; and then the floor opens up to anyone in attendance to share remembrances.

There is some cross-over in the formality and whether the floor will be opened to all. (This also has something to do with how widely attended the funeral is expected to be. A large gathering is less likely to be given an open mic, just so that the whole crowd isn't trapped for hours.)

After either a funeral or a memorial service, there is normally some sort of hospitality provided, either by guests, the family, or a group associated with the church or the deceased. (At my grandmother's memorial service, for instance, her former coworkers and patients got together to organize the food. It was very touching.) This will be a time for more informal sharing of memories.

We don't really hold wakes around here, but I would call a more irreverent gathering a wake. This would happen in addition to a more solemn service.

Yep except that wakes aren't necessarily irreverent, just no service, but still a viewing.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake?
« Reply #79 on: December 01, 2013, 09:19:57 PM »
Update:

Apparently the younger son (YS) has decided to organise a wake. The deceased had lots of friends and relatives who loved him very much. YS plans to invite them all to a wake with food, drink, etc. He sees it as an opportunity for everyone to get together and remember the deceased and share their stories, memories, etc.

The deceased's widow and older son (OS) are appalled, as they feel the deceased would have hated that idea. They are very upset that YS is going ahead with a wake. They think he's acting very inappropriately. From what DF tells me, it's likely they will boycott the wake, and this whole thing will possibly have repercussions for their future relationship with YS.

DF's parents also think that YS shouldn't be throwing a wake, so I'm not sure whether they'll attend either. DF is on YS's side and thinks YS has every right to remember his father with a wake if it gives him comfort.

As you can see, this whole incident is causing some rather serious rifts through-out the whole extended family!

JoyinVirginia

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake? Update p79
« Reply #80 on: December 01, 2013, 11:36:32 PM »
If I were an acquaintance, observing from the outside, if the family did nothing to more the loss of their family member, I would make an assumption they did not care very much. Incorrect in this case, but just an observation.
The son should do what he feels is right.

PastryGoddess

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake? Update p79
« Reply #81 on: December 02, 2013, 12:37:13 AM »
The Widow and OS are allowed to be appalled at YS behavior.  Those are their feelings and they are entitled to it.  However, they need to do it privately and not in public.  Everyone grieves differently.  Judging the YS because he is doing what feels right to him to commemorate the life of his father isn't fair. 

Marbles

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake?
« Reply #82 on: December 02, 2013, 12:44:19 AM »

We don't really hold wakes around here, but I would call a more irreverent gathering a wake. This would happen in addition to a more solemn service.

Yep except that wakes aren't necessarily irreverent, just no service, but still a viewing.

By irreverent, I meant that I might expect more lighthearted, joshing sorts of stories to be part of a wake. But, yes, the tone is usually set by the bereaved.

Psychopoesie

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake? Update p79
« Reply #83 on: December 02, 2013, 01:15:59 AM »
The Widow and OS are allowed to be appalled at YS behavior.  Those are their feelings and they are entitled to it.  However, they need to do it privately and not in public.  Everyone grieves differently.  Judging the YS because he is doing what feels right to him to commemorate the life of his father isn't fair.

Agree with pastrygodess.

Widow, OS and YS are each entitled to grieve in their own way. I feel for the YS whose mother and older brother are making this into a public issue. They could have simply and quietly chosen not to attend the wake if it didn't sit right with them. Even if the OS & Widow are right and the Dad was a quiet sort of person who'd prefer not to have a party, bet he'd also be the sort who'd like the resulting public barney even less.

Sometimes all the emotions that crop up when you lose a loved one, including anger, can create or intensify conflicts. I hope that things between the family members calms down over time.

crella

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake? Update p79
« Reply #84 on: December 02, 2013, 06:00:01 AM »
My mother said 'no wake, and no one back at the house'. In her later years, she started saying it, and the way she said it (which I really can't explain well) gave me the impression she was afraid no one would come. I have no idea what made her feel that way. Anyhow, when she passed we were going to do just that, when a neighbor came over and said that all the old neighbors who used to live there were going to come,some from far away, to the church and several wanted to come to the cemetery as well.  I was very touched. We had a simple catered lunch back at the house. I think she would have been pleased as she was always big on hospitality...she wouldn't have wanted us to just end it at the cemetery and have all those people go home without even a cup of tea. I think it was ok.

CakeEater

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake? Update p79
« Reply #85 on: December 03, 2013, 05:08:17 AM »
My mother said 'no wake, and no one back at the house'. In her later years, she started saying it, and the way she said it (which I really can't explain well) gave me the impression she was afraid no one would come. I have no idea what made her feel that way. Anyhow, when she passed we were going to do just that, when a neighbor came over and said that all the old neighbors who used to live there were going to come,some from far away, to the church and several wanted to come to the cemetery as well.  I was very touched. We had a simple catered lunch back at the house. I think she would have been pleased as she was always big on hospitality...she wouldn't have wanted us to just end it at the cemetery and have all those people go home without even a cup of tea. I think it was ok.

I think so too.  :)

crella

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake? Update p79
« Reply #86 on: December 03, 2013, 05:21:32 AM »
My mother said 'no wake, and no one back at the house'. In her later years, she started saying it, and the way she said it (which I really can't explain well) gave me the impression she was afraid no one would come. I have no idea what made her feel that way. Anyhow, when she passed we were going to do just that, when a neighbor came over and said that all the old neighbors who used to live there were going to come,some from far away, to the church and several wanted to come to the cemetery as well.  I was very touched. We had a simple catered lunch back at the house. I think she would have been pleased as she was always big on hospitality...she wouldn't have wanted us to just end it at the cemetery and have all those people go home without even a cup of tea. I think it was ok.

I think so too.  :)


Thank you.   :)

YummyMummy66

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake? Update p79
« Reply #87 on: December 03, 2013, 07:03:48 AM »
My father passed away six years ago this month.  He also, did not want anything after his death.  I told my mom that we could have a small thing at my home, (dad was cremated), for friends and family.  She did not want anything, but I think this had more to do with that she was distraught, (rightly so).

My dad seems to have passed the torch or maybe this is becoming more common, but all of his siblings who have passed since then have done the same thing.  I can understand having no funeral or graveside service.  I don't want them myself. 

But, I don't understand not having a wake or get together.  The deceased is dead.  Why does it matter to them? They won't be here.  (Yes, I know, honoring their wishes).   

But, I really wish I would have done something.  My dad was such a great guy and loved and liked by many.  I would have loved to seen my cousins, aunts and uncles still alive at the time, (because you know as we get older, have our own lives, we do not see these people as much as we did when we were younger, except at funerals, it seems, any longer).  I would have loved to talk about memories of my father, funny stories about him, (he was such a character and prankster). 

The wakes are usually not about the deceased, but about the living.  (Oxymoron, isn't it?).

I don't know how you are involved with the family, but if it were me, I would encourage the widow and son to get involved and attend the wake.  They should be involved in as far as keeping it simple.  It does not need to be a party type atmosphere, (although, if it were me, I would love a party at my wake! lol), but some food and drinks should be sufficient.  I would also have notecards available for friends and family to write down stories that the family can look at later.  You will be surprised at what you did not know about the deceased or maybe never heard of before.  Maybe have a photo album with pictures of the deceased about his life.   

They might be surprised by how much they might enjoy talking about their spouse/father with others. 

But, they should not feel pressured if they do not wish to paritcipate, nor should they pressure the son who does want to do the gathering.   Everyone grieves differently.

JoieGirl7

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake? Update p79
« Reply #88 on: December 06, 2013, 05:14:50 AM »
Wouldn't it be nice if YS' mother and brother were more concerned about his well being than the wishes of a man who is dead and gone.


Sharnita

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Re: "No funeral for me, please" = big, fancy wake? Update p79
« Reply #89 on: December 06, 2013, 06:08:11 AM »
It might be important to their well being to do make the decision they have.