Hostesses With The Mostest > Entertaining and Hospitality

Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving

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So DH and I, along with a few friends of mine are not able to visit family this Thanksgiving.  Until last week no plans surfaced, so I finally threw out an invite to everyone asking if they'd like to come to my place.  Everyone agreed so yesterday I went out and bought all the food for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Menu is planned, recipes collected, and I was eagerly waiting for when I could start brining the turkey and making the stock for the gravy.

Just now Friend A sent me a text saying his wife would really rather host Thanksgiving at their place.   :-\ But....I have all the stuff!  No worries; they generously offered to let me use their kitchen to cook everything.

I responded that I would really rather cook at my place; and offered a compromise of cooking everything at my place, then bringing it over.  But Friend A's wife really wants to be part of the cooking!  But...all my spices and pots and pans that I know...and I just wasn't comfortable doing that.  Also, they live very far away, so Friend B didn't want to drive that far.

At that point Friend A decided it was too complicated, so Friend A's wife (re)agreed to Thanksgiving at my place (I suspect begrudgingly, but who knows), but now I feel like I'm forcing people over to my house to be merry, darn it!

 How do you get over this feeling?  Was I rude to insist on the original plan?  I know it's silly, and I probably could have managed in their kitchen, but I really just didn't want to deal with having to find the spices, making sure I packed all the necessary ingredients up, etc.  Fortunately Friend B's objection tipped the scales, but I still feel bad about it.

Nothing to feel guilty about. NOTHING.

If she really wanted to host, she could have issued invites earlier.

If she really wanted to host she could have even asked the second your invites went out (before you had shopped for anything)-that's not awesome, but among close friends it's not a terrible ask.

If she wanted to host she could have declined your invitation and hosted her own party.

Cooking at someone elses place is a pain. It can be fun sometimes, but it is massively inconvenient.

I think your friend was incredibly rude.  If they wanted to host, then they should have issued invitations.  Their suggestion to have you over as their guest and then expect you to cook all the food while they claimed hosting credit was quite frankly, ridiculous.  I think you went above and beyond to accommodate them.  I had someone do this to me and I decided to just go with it because it was 2/3 of the people bringing it up rather than just one person, but I was definitely still miffed.  In your case, I'd put the rudeness squarely on your friends who made the fuss.

I think you're clear for sticking to the original plan.

That said, any idea why Friend A wanted to host at their home? If you could find out and address the reason, might you be able to offer something of a compromise?

If the wife wants some social cooking time, for instance, would you be willing to invite her to come over a bit earlier and help with the meal prep? If they feel guilty about you doing all the work/spending all the money, could you ask them to do the appetizers or bring the wine?

If it's mostly that they don't want to make the drive twice in a day, I'm not sure what to say unless you know of a hotel nearby or have a guest room that you'd be willing to let them stay in.


So let me get this straight - you invited people over for Thanksgiving dinner. They accepted. One of your guests phoned you up and tried to pressure you into taking all the stuff you bought over to their place, and cooking dinner there. For no other reason than his wife wants it that way.

Good grief!  Either they are monumentally clueless/rude, or there is something else going on there. But you were not in any way rude by refusing to do personal chef duties in someone else's kitchen.


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