Author Topic: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving  (Read 3987 times)

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BuffaloFang

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Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« on: November 27, 2013, 12:54:20 AM »
So DH and I, along with a few friends of mine are not able to visit family this Thanksgiving.  Until last week no plans surfaced, so I finally threw out an invite to everyone asking if they'd like to come to my place.  Everyone agreed so yesterday I went out and bought all the food for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Menu is planned, recipes collected, and I was eagerly waiting for when I could start brining the turkey and making the stock for the gravy.

Just now Friend A sent me a text saying his wife would really rather host Thanksgiving at their place.   :-\ But....I have all the stuff!  No worries; they generously offered to let me use their kitchen to cook everything.

I responded that I would really rather cook at my place; and offered a compromise of cooking everything at my place, then bringing it over.  But Friend A's wife really wants to be part of the cooking!  But...all my spices and pots and pans that I know...and I just wasn't comfortable doing that.  Also, they live very far away, so Friend B didn't want to drive that far.

At that point Friend A decided it was too complicated, so Friend A's wife (re)agreed to Thanksgiving at my place (I suspect begrudgingly, but who knows), but now I feel like I'm forcing people over to my house to be merry, darn it!

 How do you get over this feeling?  Was I rude to insist on the original plan?  I know it's silly, and I probably could have managed in their kitchen, but I really just didn't want to deal with having to find the spices, making sure I packed all the necessary ingredients up, etc.  Fortunately Friend B's objection tipped the scales, but I still feel bad about it.

Deetee

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2013, 01:06:04 AM »
Nothing to feel guilty about. NOTHING.

If she really wanted to host, she could have issued invites earlier.

If she really wanted to host she could have even asked the second your invites went out (before you had shopped for anything)-that's not awesome, but among close friends it's not a terrible ask.

If she wanted to host she could have declined your invitation and hosted her own party.

Cooking at someone elses place is a pain. It can be fun sometimes, but it is massively inconvenient.


NyaChan

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2013, 01:06:38 AM »
I think your friend was incredibly rude.  If they wanted to host, then they should have issued invitations.  Their suggestion to have you over as their guest and then expect you to cook all the food while they claimed hosting credit was quite frankly, ridiculous.  I think you went above and beyond to accommodate them.  I had someone do this to me and I decided to just go with it because it was 2/3 of the people bringing it up rather than just one person, but I was definitely still miffed.  In your case, I'd put the rudeness squarely on your friends who made the fuss.

sweetonsno

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2013, 02:24:38 AM »
I think you're clear for sticking to the original plan.

That said, any idea why Friend A wanted to host at their home? If you could find out and address the reason, might you be able to offer something of a compromise?

If the wife wants some social cooking time, for instance, would you be willing to invite her to come over a bit earlier and help with the meal prep? If they feel guilty about you doing all the work/spending all the money, could you ask them to do the appetizers or bring the wine?

If it's mostly that they don't want to make the drive twice in a day, I'm not sure what to say unless you know of a hotel nearby or have a guest room that you'd be willing to let them stay in.

blarg314

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2013, 03:23:38 AM »

So let me get this straight - you invited people over for Thanksgiving dinner. They accepted. One of your guests phoned you up and tried to pressure you into taking all the stuff you bought over to their place, and cooking dinner there. For no other reason than his wife wants it that way.

Good grief!  Either they are monumentally clueless/rude, or there is something else going on there. But you were not in any way rude by refusing to do personal chef duties in someone else's kitchen.


123sandy

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2013, 04:23:01 AM »
Friend A and his wife are unbelievable!! They waited till the day before your dinner party to say we'd rather have it at our house? But it's okay because you can bring your food and cook it there?

I'm glad you stood up to them and you have nothing to feel guilty about!!

peaches

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2013, 04:28:45 AM »
Friend A and wife have lost their minds.

Do not waste a moment worrying about this.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! :)
« Last Edit: November 27, 2013, 05:50:28 AM by peaches »

sammycat

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2013, 05:40:40 AM »
In a nusthell, you are right/in the clear.  Friends are wrong/rude.

Margo

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2013, 06:38:14 AM »
Please don't feel guilty.! You are absolutely fine, and friend and his wife are rude, and out of line

LeveeWoman

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2013, 07:00:46 AM »
I think your friend was incredibly rude.  If they wanted to host, then they should have issued invitations.  Their suggestion to have you over as their guest and then expect you to cook all the food while they claimed hosting credit was quite frankly, ridiculous.  I think you went above and beyond to accommodate them.  I had someone do this to me and I decided to just go with it because it was 2/3 of the people bringing it up rather than just one person, but I was definitely still miffed.  In your case, I'd put the rudeness squarely on your friends who made the fuss.

I wonder if they also would have expected BuffaloFang to clean the kitchen afterward, before she schlepped her gear, ingredients and food back home. Would Mr. and Mrs. A have expected her to leave the left-over food?

You're  in the clear, BuffaloFang. If they wanted to host this dinner, they should have taken the necessary steps such as issuing invitations, planning the meal and buying the food, instead of trying to get you to perform as an unpaid chef.

*inviteseller

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2013, 07:50:38 AM »
I know how you feel...you make a generous offer, do all the work, then people change things on you.  You did fine.  Sounds like they decided they don't want to drive anywhere but want someone to do the work for them.  Stick to your plans.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2013, 08:18:37 AM »
It sounds like the wife wanted the glamour part of hosting (pretty plates, nice table arrangements) but not the work.

I'd call wife and say "glad you want to help with the cooking. See you at 7am Thursday. You might wasn't to bring a change of clothes."

rose red

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2013, 08:34:45 AM »
Your friend is the one who should feel guilty.  She wants the glory and credit of "hosting" yet you will be the one to pay for the food and haul it all the way to her home and cook (and probably clean).  No, just no.

Cricket

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2013, 08:41:19 AM »
I'm sorry, but I would have just laughed and laughed at the absurdity of their requests and said, "Why would I want to do that?" or, "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

Even if you were willing to bow to their wishes, you not only have to take the food over, you have to keep cold items food safe which isn't always easy when travelling a long way. Then you have to cook in (I'm assuming) an unfamiliar kitchen. I know each time I move house, it takes me a couple of weeks to get the hang of the stove in my new place. Also, different brands or models of simple equipment like electric frying pans can cook differently to the one in your kitchen. I would never try to cook a special meal on equipment I wasn't familiar with. It would add too much stress.

By the way, you have done nothing wrong. You are not forcing them to come to your place and have a good time. You issued an invitation, they accepted then tried to change the terms of the invite. Not cool! If they didn't want to come to your place, they could have declined the initial invitation.

Relax, knowing you've done nothing wrong and have a happy Thanksgiving.

AmethystAnne

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Re: Now I feel guilty about hosting Thanksgiving
« Reply #14 on: November 27, 2013, 09:11:27 AM »
OP, tell your guilty feelings to get out of your head.

Friend A's wife wanted you to pay for and to haul all the food to her house so that she could have the pleasure of helping you cook? Oh please......  ::)

Has she ever been in your shoes and been asked the same thing? I'm guessing not. I've done what she had asked of you, and it's not fun. In fact, it's one thing I've put my foot down and decided never(!)again(!).  It's just too much.

You are not a catering company!