General Etiquette > Family and Children

Can't Tolerate Condescending Relative Any Longer

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--- Quote from: bopper on December 03, 2013, 09:36:56 AM ---Classic "bean dip" moment:

"BlahBlah Planes/ears/blah blah"

"Oh, that reminds me, I have to get more bean dip from the fridge."


Make it uncomfortable for her to talk to you that way

"Why did you tell me that?"
"So you know all about ears"
"But I already knew all that.  I have had ear issues for years.  I have researched ears and plane travel.  If you need to lecture, please ask me if I need the information first."

--- End quote ---

Or a "Why do you think you're telling me something i didn't already know/ my doctor didn't already tell me?"

The difference between mansplaining and being condescending to someone regardless of gender is essentially the same as the difference between being racist or homophobic and just being nasty/violent/whatever to someone. I agree that mansplaining is overused and that just because a person who is male is being condescending to a person who is female, doesn't mean there is any overt or subconscious sexism behind it. Not all examples of a man being condescending to a woman are mansplaining. And sometimes people see sexism and mansplaining where there is none, or where it is debatable. But sexism needs to be called out where it exists. If s/r/h is a factor, that should be included, not censored.

*holds hand up*

I can be like this sometimes. I'm a know-it-all. But I recognise this in myself and do my best to rein it in with other people. I know acting like this is annoying and rude, so I've learned when to quit. I hope.

At the time I don't see it as being condescending or thinking the other person is stupid, I just have this GREAT information to share....(yeah, I know). So your relative may not mean to be offensive. It is still really annoying for you, though. I'm not sure of the best way to shut it down other than falling back on the two phrases 'teach your grandmother to suck eggs' and 'who died and made you Queen?' - probably not polite to say back but in an emergency.

New OH is exactly the same so we indulge each others lectures  ;D. We've learned not to attempt cooking together though, we now take it in turns, boy we get up each others noses then as we both know the 'best' way to do everything, lol.

I suppose there's the affectionately amused "There you go again!"

Sort of, la Ronald Reagan when he was debating Jimmy Carter. Watch Reagan's entire body language here--it's superior, amused, confident. 

The key to keeping this from being rude is the affection behind it.

This person is damaged, and they aren't malicious so much as trying to patch over the holes in their psyche. They think they're being kind--that is their intent, at least.
   So summon up that affection to infuse your voice.

My FIL is like this exactly. I did the whole humor him politely thing for years. My last straw was when he presumed to lecture me (a cancer survivor) on how no doctor ever really tries to cure cancer because they want the money from the expensive treatment. It went like this:

FIL: Doctors are greedy and want to kill/hurt people with cancer for money!! Blah blah blah!!!
Me:'re saying that I lost my eye for no real reason, they just took it out so we'd have to pay for it? Wouldn't they have gotten lots more money if I'd had to go through chemo for years?

He just left the room without another word (thank God!).


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