Author Topic: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied  (Read 5735 times)

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MissRose

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I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« on: December 04, 2013, 09:40:08 AM »
My mother asked me to contact my sister, and ask her for the school website log in and a password so she can keep tabs on her grandkids's grades like a helicopter type grandmother.  They are not poor (in terms of grades) students by any means.  I have not contacted my sister to have her get our mother a log in and password to the systems.   I will not give in to the request as I consider it an invasion of privacy & none of her business.  My mother does not know I am gradually improving my spine when it comes to some of her requests & not giving in as I used to do in the past.

PastryGoddess

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2013, 09:45:44 AM »
That's really the best way to do things.  Don't state your boundaries, just live them. 

If you mother asks you for an update, you can tell her you didn't ask.  If she asks why, just say you didn't want to.

cutejellybeen

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2013, 10:58:42 AM »
Why wouldnt your mother ask your sister for this information herself? Would your sister get mad about it? If thats the case shouldnt that tell her something? I'm just completely blown away by this. In what world does she have the right to that information?



poundcake

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2013, 11:40:18 AM »
Under most circumstances, unless given written permission by one of the parents, wouldn't this be illegal anyway?

MissRose

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2013, 02:15:46 PM »
My mother wants my sister to contact the school to give permission for the access/details as she knows that my sister may not take the request directly from her (why my mother is trying to use a middle woman).   I will simply say to my mother I have not heard back from my sister even though its not good to lie. 

peaches

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2013, 02:26:02 PM »
My mother wants my sister to contact the school to give permission for the access/details as she knows that my sister may not take the request directly from her (why my mother is trying to use a middle woman).   I will simply say to my mother I have not heard back from my sister even though its not good to lie.

The problem with your strategy (besides lying) is that it leaves your mother thinking that what she is asking (to be able to monitor grandkids' grades) is normal and acceptable. It's neither. It's uber-controlling. I have never even heard of such a request on the part of a grandparent. It's bizarre.

 

Kaypeep

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2013, 02:31:14 PM »
My mother wants my sister to contact the school to give permission for the access/details as she knows that my sister may not take the request directly from her (why my mother is trying to use a middle woman).   I will simply say to my mother I have not heard back from my sister even though its not good to lie.

The problem with your strategy (besides lying) is that it leaves your mother thinking that what she is asking (to be able to monitor grandkids' grades) is normal and acceptable. It's neither. It's uber-controlling. I have never even heard of such a request on the part of a grandparent. It's bizarre.

Agreed.  You are misleading your mom that you are working on this request.  You need to be direct.  If she asks about it again just tell her "I should have told you this earlier, but this request makes me very uncomfortable and so I won't be getting involved with this at all." and then beandip. If she continues to try and get you to do it, then you can say "I told you I'm not comfortable and that's not going to change so either we need to change the subject, or I will have to end this conversation.  I'd rather change the subject though, since I do enjoy our chats.  So what are you making for dinner tonight?"

jedikaiti

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2013, 02:50:05 PM »
My mother wants my sister to contact the school to give permission for the access/details as she knows that my sister may not take the request directly from her (why my mother is trying to use a middle woman).   I will simply say to my mother I have not heard back from my sister even though its not good to lie.

The problem with your strategy (besides lying) is that it leaves your mother thinking that what she is asking (to be able to monitor grandkids' grades) is normal and acceptable. It's neither. It's uber-controlling. I have never even heard of such a request on the part of a grandparent. It's bizarre.

Yea, don't lie. If/when she asks just say, "Of course I didn't ask Sister!" You can tell her how her request is wrong on how many levels if you like, but I am getting a sense that she won't get it and/or won't care, so I'd just stick with not passing the request along, and not pretending that you will/have.
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TootsNYC

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2013, 03:01:34 PM »
I don't think the OP needs to "set her mother straight." And I don't think she needs to worry in the least about whether she is "lying" to her mother or not.

And I do applaud you, Miss Rose, for not mentioning this request in any way to your sister. Why spread the crazy-making around?

peaches

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2013, 03:24:47 PM »
I agree that Miss Rose has made a great first step in not giving in to her mother's outrageous request.

Planning to tell her mother "she never called me back" doesn't seem like such a good idea. That's not going to put an end to her mother's crazy requests. Mom likely will keep pestering her. 

I think the next step in assertiveness is being able to say "Mom, I'm not going to get involved in that" or "I'm not going to do that."


cwm

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2013, 05:09:02 PM »
I don't think the OP needs to "set her mother straight." And I don't think she needs to worry in the least about whether she is "lying" to her mother or not.

And I do applaud you, Miss Rose, for not mentioning this request in any way to your sister. Why spread the crazy-making around?

POD. Don't we always say around here not to engage the crazy?

shhh its me

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #11 on: December 04, 2013, 05:47:15 PM »
 Saying nothing might work but I don't think you should put it on your sister "sis never got back to me." .  I think you can respond with silence if you want but saying " I did the completely unreasonable thing you asked its sis that isn't going with the program." is not polite to either your mother or your sister and its not effective.  By saying you did it you would be say "Yes it is ok with me if you ask these things,please continue to do so."

dawbs

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #12 on: December 04, 2013, 05:53:22 PM »
I would echo not to pass it off on sis--it's kinda throwing her under the bus if you do.
(although, if sis is OK w/ that--as in, you call her and say "hey, mom is being a twit and wants me to demand you give her the kids' grade info.  Are you Ok w/ me just saying "sis never got back to me" verbatim, over and over again?" and she agrees, I'd run with it.)

But "huh, it hasn't been a priority for me yet--hey, how about that bean dip" can work.

EllenS

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #13 on: December 04, 2013, 06:01:14 PM »
Saying nothing might work but I don't think you should put it on your sister "sis never got back to me." .  I think you can respond with silence if you want but saying " I did the completely unreasonable thing you asked its sis that isn't going with the program." is not polite to either your mother or your sister and its not effective.  By saying you did it you would be say "Yes it is ok with me if you ask these things,please continue to do so."

POD.

Completely not answering is better than pretending you did what she wanted and it's your sister's fault.  Lying about your sister would just make the manipulative game bigger.  If what you want is to get out of the middle, then don't stand there on purpose.

Another helpful E-hell phrase is "why would I want to do that"?

Another that might work for you is "This really isn't any of my business."

katycoo

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Re: I did not use it verbally but in my own way: a request denied
« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2013, 06:20:37 PM »
I don't understand why you can't say "I don't feel comfortable asking her that.  If you want it why don't you ask her for it?"

Then when she says "Becuase she won't give it tome!" you can say "well then she obviously doesn't want you to have it and its not right to ask me to give it to youbehind her back expressly against her wishes".

If she argues, simply repeat "You need to take this up with sis".