Author Topic: Can't seem to get it into my parent's head that we cannot simply 'pop over'.  (Read 11687 times)

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Julsie

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Artk2002, your link could not have come at a better time.  I had an ugly encounter today with an unreasonable person.  I really appreciate what you have to say in that thread.  Thank you, thank you!

miranova

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I have been given the "we're not here to see you" line and so have many people I know.  I can not, for the life of me, understand this.  I can't wrap my mind around it.  After all, presumably the reason people love their grandchildren is because they love their own flesh and blood, and if that's the case, why would they not want to see their own children as well?  I don't get it.  And if there IS some kind of toxicity or bad blood between parents and child, yet you still want to see your grandchildren, I really don't think the way to achieve that is to say "You are irrelevant, just pass the kid here".  At best, that's an extremely ineffective way to get what you want.  At worst, it's pretty cruel to just come right out and say that.  You can think it, I guess, but to say it?  MEAN.  Why do people think this is an ok thing to say, to the point that I've heard this story over and over?

cicero

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Some advice that I repeat in similar threads: No child was permanently damaged because of little or no contact with their grandparents. Many children, though, are damaged by contact with uncaring, toxic people. Your baby doesn't deserve to be treated like a prop or a toy. You deserve to be treated like a person, not a prop or toy factory.

Reduce contact to the absolute minimum that you are comfortable with. If your parents are upset, that's their issue, not yours. They can either play nice or not play at all. It stinks to have to parent your own parents, but that's the hand you've been dealt.

Edited to add: Some thoughts on dealing with unreasonable people.
thank you for this.

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Emmy

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I have been given the "we're not here to see you" line and so have many people I know.  I can not, for the life of me, understand this.  I can't wrap my mind around it.  After all, presumably the reason people love their grandchildren is because they love their own flesh and blood, and if that's the case, why would they not want to see their own children as well?  I don't get it.  And if there IS some kind of toxicity or bad blood between parents and child, yet you still want to see your grandchildren, I really don't think the way to achieve that is to say "You are irrelevant, just pass the kid here".  At best, that's an extremely ineffective way to get what you want.  At worst, it's pretty cruel to just come right out and say that.  You can think it, I guess, but to say it?  MEAN.  Why do people think this is an ok thing to say, to the point that I've heard this story over and over?

It's similar rudeness to saying, 'I invited you not for your company, but because I wanted you to bring a gift'.  Yet people who would never dream of saying that think "we're not here to see you" is OK.  I've heard a similar line, 'if you aren't going to bring the kids, don't bother coming'.  Granted it was said in jest by my parents.  I threw back, 'So glad I have no value any more after giving you grandchildren'.  If somebody throws out that line again, I might have to joke about charging them for seeing the kids.

nuit93

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Some advice that I repeat in similar threads: No child was permanently damaged because of little or no contact with their grandparents. Many children, though, are damaged by contact with uncaring, toxic people. Your baby doesn't deserve to be treated like a prop or a toy. You deserve to be treated like a person, not a prop or toy factory.

Reduce contact to the absolute minimum that you are comfortable with. If your parents are upset, that's their issue, not yours. They can either play nice or not play at all. It stinks to have to parent your own parents, but that's the hand you've been dealt.

Edited to add: Some thoughts on dealing with unreasonable people.

THIS!

bopper

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I still say to take charge...figure out the relationship you want (some, all, none) and tell them how it is going to be.
You have the power..you have the baby.  Kind of harsh, but if they don't like it, you can back off even further.

If they want pictures and you want to give them to them...don't wait until they ask, put pictures on FB or a private photo area or email them or whatever.  That may help reduce the request to get together in person.

Tell them that you think that once a month/etc/ visits will work out nicely with you sending pix in between.

If they complain, then just "I am so sorry that you don't want to visit monthly.  That is what we can do.  Talk to you later."

Syrse

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Slight update:

We didn't end up visiting, and after a few weeks dad called to say that if we weren't able to visit this year, they'd do their best to come visit next year. So I guess we'll cross that bridge when that day arrives.

On another note, he sent out an email about a family reunion, asking us to block a certain date in may. I replied asking him about specifics, like starting time, and he replied 'well it will be during the day AS THE KIDS WILL NEED TO BE IN BED ON TIME'.
Yes, he used all capitals. Is it just me, or are they a bit miffed about the evening rule?  ::)

Marbles

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Tee hee. It sounds like you got that message across.  ;D

PastryGoddess

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*snicker* and then you reply in the affirmative that daytime will work great and you look forward to getting the details
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CakeEater

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*snicker* and then you reply in the affirmative that daytime will work great and you look forward to getting the details

Yes, all the while resisting the urge to add, 'Oh my goodness, are you 12?' to the message.

We had terrible sleepers, and we did sometimes mess up their sleep schedules if the event was important, but I don't feel like people realised just how difficult that was for us. I absolutely support anyone's decision to keep to sleep schedules above all.

Pen^2

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Ah well, I'm glad that in the immediate future things are going to be a bit smoother for you, OP. The all-caps thing is rather petulant, but it's so silly that I'm more amused than anything else. At least he's finally listened to you! It seems like he might use following a completely normal and understandable request like this as a grudge, which is pre-teenager in terms of maturity. Oh well, at least he's not completely ignoring your requests. One step at a time...

JenJay

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You should reply "YES THEY WILL AND THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF THAT! So, what time again?"  ;D

Syrse

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haha, so very tempting, but I'll behave  ;D

Piratelvr1121

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Kariachi, if this forum had a "Like" button, I would be clicking it right now.

POD, I agree. 

And I do understand the reluctance to go over.  Heck when we lived closer to my parents and were still speaking to them we were only 5 minutes drive but going over there still always felt like a hassle.  They'd say "Come over for dinner around 6," but then dinner would be at 7 and would last till 8 and then we'd have to hurry to get the kids home to be ready for their 8:30 bedtime while my folks kind of mocked us for being so strict with bedtimes.  ::)





Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Syrse

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OP here again, sigh...

So, my mom called yesterday. Twice on my voice mail at work, third time when I had just gotten home. Merry Christmas and all that, then she told me that she was mobile again, so they could come visit us. I said great, let me know what works for you guys in January, and we'll go from there. No says mom, we want to see you guys this month. I tell her that won't be possible. We end the call.

What happens a lot of these times, is that mom is sitting next to dad, she hangs up, gets all upset, and he suggests something, and then she'll call me back right away. So sure enough, not 30 seconds later, I get a second call.
mom: How about you guys visit us the 1st of January for new years!
Me: that will not be possible.
mom: why?
Me: we already have plans.
Mom hems and haws a bit, we end the call.

30 seconds pass... third call.
Mom: 'Dad says we'll be coming over the 30th of December!'
Me: (quite short) that will not be possible.
Mom: Why??
Me: Me and DH both work that day.
Mom: Well, till when?
Me: 7:45. Baby goes to bed at 8.
Mom hems and haws, we end the call.

Then today, I get a text.
Mom: Thanks for forgetting about us again on Christmas. We want to see you on new years day, dad too.
(tries not to bang head against nearest wall at this point)
Me: We called yesterday, didn't we? New Years day will not be possible. As said, give a few options in January.

Honestly, I'll see what she suggests now, but she's getting on my nerves. There's this whole 'we have rights as grandparents!' vibe. 

So far she suggested two dates in two separate messages, both of which are already blocked in our calendar. I am honestly not making any plans up, but I am not about to suggest a date either, not if she can't follow the simple instruction of giving us a few options at a time! Ugh...

*edit*

Ok, so mom suggests the 13th, I ok it, ask her for a time... and she suddenly calls me. Starts to insist, again, we come over for new years day. I tell her, again, that this will not be possible. (I am losing count!) She gets all upset and starts ranting, so I tell her to pass the phone to dad, hoping he'll be calmer. Vain hope  ::) He starts demanding we come over, because we never take the effort to visit and I should respect my mom more and he knows I've been visiting my sister and I better not deny it, so pretty soon we're both going off (argh...) and I try to take control back by asking of they're going to come the 13th or not, take it or leave it. He says they'll come, but he'll be very much excepting that after that one, I'll put the effort in to come visit them in return. (I have to take a deep breath). I reply that this will not be for the immediate future, since we have holidays and the move to the house coming up. We decide on a visiting time for the 13th, and we end the call.

... honestly! *goes to cool off a bit*

« Last Edit: December 25, 2013, 04:35:31 PM by Syrse »