Author Topic: Can't seem to get it into my parent's head that we cannot simply 'pop over'.  (Read 12336 times)

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Roses

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On the plus side, if you go there, and they start to misbehave, you can get up and leave.  I find it's always easier to leave a place than to try and get someone else to leave. 

Your parents strike me as expecting you to do what they want you to do, with no regard or thought that you might actually not want to see them/be with them/expose your baby to poking/etc.  If it keeps up OP, you might have to have a heart to heart with them and tell them that we are unable to visit you more often because it's not enjoyable for us or baby, your picture taking, poking, interaction with baby upset her.  We do visit sister more often because sister is very good with baby and baby enjoys her company. 

Sorry you have having to deal with this during the holidays.

Pen^2

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Wow, OP. That really is a "bang your head on the wall" situation. The only thing I can think of is, next time your mother starts raving and ignoring you/being rude, don't ask her to pass the phone to your father. Say something like, "This is going nowhere. Please call back when you're going to talk about this reasonably." And hang up. If she calls back in 30 seconds, the moment she starts, don't let her finish the sentence, and just repeat yourself before hanging up. Possibly then don't answer your phone for a while. It'll infuriate them for the first few times, but they'll learn. Think of it as behaviour-training. Because since they're not willing to listen to what you're saying, it's what they've forced you to have to do now. Whenever they start to get unreasonable, don't discuss it, because they've proven that they're not going to discuss things like adults. Just hang up or walk away or leave or whatever to cut off the conversation. It's time to stop indulging them. Treating them like reasonable adults, when they refuse to behave thus, is indulging.

I'd have been very tempted to reply to the PA text with, "Sorry, since you seem to be angry with me, it's probably best that I don't waste your time on the 13th either. Happy holidays! See you in February!"

I can't believe the nerve of your father to demand that you go and visit them to repay them for all the trouble they're giving you over this. :o

Syrse

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Wow, OP. That really is a "bang your head on the wall" situation. The only thing I can think of is, next time your mother starts raving and ignoring you/being rude, don't ask her to pass the phone to your father. Say something like, "This is going nowhere. Please call back when you're going to talk about this reasonably." And hang up.

I really should start doing this. Would save me a lot of headaches.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that they still seem to think of themselves as the parents, and I am supposed to listen to them, or else. How on earth do I get across that I am not 12 anymore?  ???

I might try and have a talk with them on the 13th, but I'm not sure how that'll work. I mean, I've tried to explain our work situation so many times now, and all they seem to take away from that is 'oh, but there's holidays, surely they can spend those with us because they don't have to work then!'
Since they didn't spend time with us before baby was born, we started our own holiday traditions, and no, I am not about to sweep those aside just for their convenience.

perpetua

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'
Since they didn't spend time with us before baby was born, we started our own holiday traditions, and no, I am not about to sweep those aside just for their convenience.

I know you were thinking aloud there and that sentence was meant for us on the forum, but think that's exactly what you should tell them, actually. It's blunt but it isn't rude.

Minmom3

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I think the parents DO need to hear it.  Might puncture their balloon of illusion that they still rule the family.
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

lkdrymom

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Next time your Dad starts ordering you around...ask him how old you are. Then point out that at your age YOU get to decided what YOU do, not them.  I think it is tim eto be blunt and tell them that it is not pleasant being around them so no you are in no hurry to visit.

YummyMummy66

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You discussed the 13th.   You stated that would be possible.  You asked for specific times.

What I would do now is either send them an email or however you wish to respond, and state specifically what will work for you that day. 

Mom and Dad, as we discussed, you had stated coming down on the 13th to visit.   Here is the time frame that will work for our schedule that day.  Please confirm final details by Dec. 31st, so that we do not make other plans.   

Details should be an approx. time they are coming.  With a small window.  Say, arrival between noon and one.   If they do not arrive by one thirty, I would be out the door for a shopping excursion or something.  And when they call and ask where you are, "Oh, so sorry.  I thought we agreed upon such and such a time?  You never arrived.  So, I thought you had changed your plans.  Sorry, but we cannot make it back in time now. We are at mall. You are welcome to come visit with us for a few minutes before you head back home or we can arrange another date and time".

It seems that you have to be specific about when mom and dad visit and the plans involved. Same if you go to visit them.  And always be firm.

JenJay

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I think the next time they try to demand that you clear your calendar for them you should go ahead and be blunt - "We want to see you, and we will, when it's convenient for ALL of us, not just you. It's time you accepted the fact that we have a life here and we're not always available to visit with you when you want. The constant demands and guilt trips need to stop. I may be your child but I am not a child."

kherbert05

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I think you made a couple of tactical errors

1. I would have said we are available to meet you (place in your city) from X - Y on Z date or (Other place different time and date) give them three options. Why do the dance of dates. Give them 2 - 3 choices if those don't work you will talk to them in mid next month to talk about 2 months from now. In the mean time don't answer calls from them. Wait till mid next month and you initiate the contact with dates, times and places established. If that doesn't work then you will call them mid 2 months from now about 3 months from now. 

2. Meet them on neutral territory - not your favorite place where you will be embarressed to go back. Not your home so you can leave.

If you do meet at your house have a plan for when they irritate your daughter, when they won't leave on time. Since these are your parents the basic plan is your DH retreats with DD to her room, or your room if her door doesn't have locks. Or the bathroom if she likes baths the sound of the water will help cover any angry words. You tell your parents the visit is over and theyave to leave. If you have any reason to fear for you safety with this plan cancel they don't ever get to see you or your kids again.

If they give you anymore guff about the Jan 13 date. Cancel and you will talk to them in Feb about some time in March. If the level of contact you had before worked  - then keep them at that level by refusing to meet up more/not accepting calls/texts/e-mails off schedule.

I've been doing some family genealogy and found out some relatives I knew about but never met died decades later than I thought. (I had assumed they had passed before I was old enough to remember). I aske my older cousins about it. They both said the same thing. They were cut off because of what we would now call toxic behavior. Believe me when I heard the type of things they said about my grandmother and mother I'm glad my grandparents/parents/aunt & uncle cut them off. It didn't hurt me to not know them. My parents surrounded me with family and friends who protected and taught me to be a good person.   
Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future