Author Topic: Pitching In  (Read 6844 times)

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JenJay

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Re: Pitching In
« Reply #45 on: December 08, 2013, 11:34:35 PM »
Woah! What a jerk!!

That said, unfortunately he can raise his kids to be lazy and entitled if he wants to. I do NOT think you did anything wrong, but on the other hand there's really no way you can argue with him and tell him "actually your kids WILL help!" and next year, if the kids refuse to pitch in, there's nothing you can do about it. I think it absolutely stinks but it is what it is.  :(

In the future I think I'd make a point of verbally acknowledging and appreciating the people who are helping (be it cook, clean, whatever) and silently ignore the ones who sit on their butts and wait to be served all day. And if the day ever came that it was my turn to host those people wouldn't be on the invite list.  ;)

I'd also add that if the OP finds herself stuck doing ALL the dishes (because Mr / Ms Lazy College Kid won't pitch in), I think she'd be fine only doing half (or whatever she feels comfortable with). If the "older adults" complain that she didn't finish washing all the dishes, she can explain that it's not fair for one person to be stuck washing dishes for 11+ people, while her other cousins do absolutely nothing.

I agree. I was thinking how I'd go about doing the dishes so that the people who cooked didn't have to, but not getting stuck doing them all. I'd probably pop my head into the room where everyone was and say "Thank you so much for the wonderful meal! I don't think the people who cooked should also have to do the cleaning up, so who will help me with the dishes?".

sweetonsno

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Re: Pitching In
« Reply #46 on: December 08, 2013, 11:42:40 PM »
Ok then Ceallach :D I wasn't going to say anything, because I think in this situation the kid didn't protest, but since otherwise the thread would be a repeat of I agree to the endů.

In general I think someone can ask others to help out, but you can't make them.  I don't mean that it's only bad if you drag them by the hair to the dishwasher, but more along the lines of commanding or dragooning someone into helping not being okay. 

I totally agree that everyone should help and it is right that everyone pitch in.  But if a kid says they don't want to and you now know their parents don't want them to, I personally think that after asking and maybe explaining the fairness aspect of it, one should stop.

I'm glad you said this. I didn't want to be the first! I felt the same way. I absolutely think the "kids" should have known to pitch in automatically, yes. However, I don't think it's okay to tell someone what to do in this case, particularly when they are adults and you are both in the same level (in this case, cousins).

hopeful4

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Re: Pitching In
« Reply #47 on: December 09, 2013, 08:44:09 AM »
Someone college age should have enough sense to help out without having to be asked.  Also, someone college age sure as heck should not need daddy to speak up and tell off relatives who ask him/her to help out.   I especially feel sorry for that boy's (he doesn't have the maturity of a young man) future wife.   Washing dishes is "woman's work" ?

Hmmmmm

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Re: Pitching In
« Reply #48 on: December 09, 2013, 09:18:17 AM »
So college kids complain to mom and dad about having to spend their vacation time at the grandparents over the holiday.

College kids help with clean up, but then on the way home use it as ammunition against Dad for why next year they shouldn't have to go "All we ever do is have to wash dishes and clean up after everyone!"

Dad's mad because more ammunition he as to disarm and takes it out on you.

Though I'd know I should ignore, I wouldn't have the ability to. I'd be sending something like "If your kids want to continue to join the family for holidays then they should expect to chip in to help just like everyone else does and you should expect them to. Your note is very dissapointing to me."

Lynn2000

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Re: Pitching In
« Reply #49 on: December 09, 2013, 10:57:49 AM »
Ok then Ceallach :D I wasn't going to say anything, because I think in this situation the kid didn't protest, but since otherwise the thread would be a repeat of I agree to the endů.

In general I think someone can ask others to help out, but you can't make them.  I don't mean that it's only bad if you drag them by the hair to the dishwasher, but more along the lines of commanding or dragooning someone into helping not being okay. 

I totally agree that everyone should help and it is right that everyone pitch in.  But if a kid says they don't want to and you now know their parents don't want them to, I personally think that after asking and maybe explaining the fairness aspect of it, one should stop.

Well, I do think you have a point, except I want to note that the "kids" are college age, so I personally don't think that what their parents want has anything to do with it. Definitely if we are talking about 12-year-olds or something, one should take the parents' wishes into consideration, even if one disagrees with them.

Also, I think the way the OP described the situation, the older generations of adults were right there when she asked for help with the dishes, and no one said anything--not, "What a great idea!" but also not, "Oh, don't bother them with that." In this situation, if there is a higher authority, it's not the young adults' parents but rather the hosts, whose house it was and who did most of the meal prep. If the host didn't want the young adults doing dishes, or otherwise felt the OP had overstepped in their home, they need to say something, and the OP would have to abide by that.

I do think it would be impolite to "badger" someone into doing something, even if they "should" be doing that something, especially if you're in someone else's house. I don't get the feeling the OP badgered anyone, I'm just saying in general. If it's your own house you can set consequences or choose to not invite that person again, or even ask them to leave; but in someone else's house I think you can ask, maybe point out the logic, but if they just outright refuse, I think you have to end there in order to be polite. It's up to the host to enforce more strongly if they want to. And then beyond that family dynamics come into play--like if the relationship is such that you can take the person aside and say, "Okay, stop being a doofus," and have that go over well. Not really recommended with someone you don't know well, though.
~Lynn2000

TootsNYC

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Re: Pitching In
« Reply #50 on: December 09, 2013, 12:22:46 PM »
but he didn't ask his son to help with the "men's work"--fixing the plumbing, right?


Though I'd know I should ignore, I wouldn't have the ability to. I'd be sending something like "If your kids want to continue to join the family for holidays then they should expect to chip in to help just like everyone else does and you should expect them to. Your note is very disappointing to me."

I think this is how I'd respond. I wouldn't address the "women's work" issue at all.

Maybe the "grownup's work" idea would be a thing to bring up: "Especially as they are all adults now."

TootsNYC

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Re: Pitching In
« Reply #51 on: December 09, 2013, 12:27:20 PM »
I agree. I was thinking how I'd go about doing the dishes so that the people who cooked didn't have to, but not getting stuck doing them all. I'd probably pop my head into the room where everyone was and say "Thank you so much for the wonderful meal! I don't think the people who cooked should also have to do the cleaning up, so who will help me with the dishes?".

I like this approach a lot.

Allyson

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Re: Pitching In
« Reply #52 on: December 09, 2013, 01:43:18 PM »
What I'm stuck on is what he expected/thought would happen. Did he seriously think that you should do all of the dishes/washing up just because you happened to be older than the college kids? That makes no sense. I would really consider asking Uncle if he thinks it's reasonable that you do all the work while the younger adults do nothing? And if he thinks it is reasonable, why is that? I would seriously consider not going back especially if I knew I'd be the only one there in part because then the 'littles' would *have* to do it. Though I'd be unsurprised if it just ended up with the aunts doing the cleaning as well. :(

Actually what I'd probably do is what some others suggested; do a reasonable share of the dishes and leave the rest. Or do them once, and then say 'someone else's turn!' next meal.

TootsNYC

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Re: Pitching In
« Reply #53 on: December 09, 2013, 09:35:43 PM »
Quote
forcing them to labor on their vacation.

I got to thinking about this one. It has me spitting mad on your behalf.

This was *your* vacation!

And unlike a college kid, you don't get very many of them. My kid's in college--she gets fall break, winter break (about 3 weeks), spring break, and summer break (which can be weeks long, depending on what she does with it). Thanksgiving break isn't even all that big a deal to most college kids, but to those of us in the workforce, it is!

If they want the kind of vacation where other people wait on you, they can pay for it. At a resort, because you aren't for hire. This is YOUR VACATION!!!

(sorry to yell. But I'm yelling on your behalf, not at you.)