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Serenity Never: She Doesn't Even Know His Name (story 5 of 5 from old board)

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This wedding was the most interesting one I’ve ever seen. Christy and Steven were married this past Friday and the reception was held on Saturday at the bar. We arrived at 12:10, and were told verbally (remember no physical invitations) that the reception started at Noon. Upon arrival, we saw the groom, we’ll call him Steven from here on out, hanging decorations. We showed up 10 minutes after they told us too and they were still decorating the bar area. Not a big deal. So at no point does Christy or Steven actually come over to greet us. There weren’t many people there yet, so it wasn’t like they were really making the rounds. We kill some time by talking to Christy’s dad (my DH’s uncle).

Eventually Mary (Christy’s sister) comes over to us; she starts making the introductions and manages to introduce us to Steven’s mother and father (who were standing by themselves since they had arrived). In the course of conversation with Steven, I learned that his real name is Stephan. No one but Christy calls him Steven, and that’s just because she never learned/bothered to say it right. Throughout the entire afternoon everyone is calling him Stephan, except for Christy. It was very awkward, because I wrote the wrong name on the card, because Christy always introduces him at Steven. She has never called him Stephan, ever apparently. (Apparently, it isn’t imperative that the bride actually know the groom’s real name.)

Okay so then we get to the eating at about 2 PM. It was a cash bar, and cash soda drinks too, but not that big of a deal. The food was awful. It was over garlicked potatoes, green beans, and some god awful meat. But whatever, I had a roll and figured DH and I would eat after leaving. It was fantastic, because the venue was a bar, it was filled with other people who were constantly smoking (this includes some members of the “Bridal Party”). So we were all eating dinner/lunch at 2PM in a poorly ventilated smoky bar. Let’s just say I’ve had better meals at MickeyD’s. FWIW I don’t care if people smoke if it really bothers me that much I’ll move and it normally doesn’t. It would have been nice if the entire venue wasn’t a smoke filled bar, especially when the Bride is pregnant, but whatever.

Christy and Steven have their first dance, which was really awkward. Apparently Steven didn’t know it was their song, or something because he said so and looked so confused for a while. There was no DJ so it was one friend playing a song from a CD <<insert large gap of time without music>> and then more songs. Before that friend showed up people were using their quarters to play songs from the jukebox. You had to pay to fill the endless silence, since apparently the bride and groom couldn’t have burned some CD’s in advance and put them on rotate or something. And there was a huge dance floor, because it was a country bar, but no one danced at any point, except for the family dances. It was really awkward.

Now the speeches were just mildly hysterical. They started out with Christy’s dad giving a speech, which was all of 2 sentences long. “I wish you both a very (you’d think he was going to say happy, and that’s what he started out saying) long married life. Live long and prosper.” He didn’t do the finger thing, but it was really weird because neither the bride, the groom, nor the bride’s father is a trekkie. It was obvious that he just had no idea what to say. Onto the bride’s speech which was 3 sentences…She thanked Mary a for putting everything together and all the guests for attending. And at no point did she mention the groom or her marriage, or love or anything even remotely mushy. It was WEIRD. The groom did a fairly decent job. He introduced himself as Stephan and thanked everyone for attending and said I love you to the bride at the very end. He tried and I appreciate that.

After the speeches, cake was served, but most of the people didn’t know it because no announcement was made. We were all sitting on our bar stools and at our bar tables oblivious when people came over and offered us cake. And apparently they did the cake smashing. The cake and all the food and the champagne is small plastic medicine cups really just awful. I understand that people try to cut corners on the food, but sometimes it’s just inedible. We left shortly after cake, since there was no dancing and we didn’t have to pay to put on music from the jukebox.

As we were saying our goodbyes to the bridge and groom and the family, Christy asked me when baby showers normally occur. I said about 2 to the 3 months before the baby is born, but of course you shouldn’t be planning your shower yourself someone else is supposed to do that. She walks right over to her sister Mary, who had just planned the reception and the bridal shower and everything, and said, “I need a baby shower, when are you going to do that?” I kid you not, I gave Mary a hug and we left. Mary and I will be hanging out this Friday and I really feel for her.

This was the tackiest wedding I’ve ever been to. FWIW I wore jeans, and the majority of other people did too, so it wasn’t out of place at all. We wound up giving a $30 gift card to Target, which was a typical amount. Everything worked out okay for us, but I really hope Christy bothers to learn his name soon enough.

I missed this one originally, so thanks for posting it!  There was a formatting problem on #3, I think.  You may want to check it out.

Thanks for the heads up and I'll take a look.

Andrew and Steven/Stephan are the same person?

Bob Ducca:
Thanks so much for re-posting this series.  It not only illustrates some really alarming (and hilarious) etiquette no-no's, but your responses and concerns really illustrate an example of how to deal with those sorts of situation with grace and caring.



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