Author Topic: I don't want that person in my house UPDATE Post #95, Pg 7  (Read 14256 times)

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lowspark

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #30 on: December 05, 2013, 04:49:27 PM »
Well, I don't see it as totally uncool. Under normal circumstances, if one is invited to a party and there happens to be a relative or friend who is visiting from out of town during that time, I think it's ok to ask if it's ok to bring them.

Now, this presupposes a lot of things. If it's a seated dinner party for example, not so much. And it should be that you think that person will fit in. Etc.

But I don't think it's inherently rude to ask.

cwm

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #31 on: December 05, 2013, 04:59:33 PM »
Well, I don't see it as totally uncool. Under normal circumstances, if one is invited to a party and there happens to be a relative or friend who is visiting from out of town during that time, I think it's ok to ask if it's ok to bring them.

Now, this presupposes a lot of things. If it's a seated dinner party for example, not so much. And it should be that you think that person will fit in. Etc.

But I don't think it's inherently rude to ask.

For a holiday open-house style party, I agree. Not rude to ask.

Also not rude for the host to say no, and I love this wording.

I agree with Hillia - You could just say "Given how Claire treated so many of us at your wedding, her presence would make people very uncomfortable at my party and I really want people to enjoy themselves.".

If Jenny has to not come, then meet up with her some other time. But stand firm, there's a good chance that Claire's presence at the party is going to make other bridesmaids uncomfortable, even if she does nothing aside from be there.

TootsNYC

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #32 on: December 05, 2013, 06:02:38 PM »
It is rude to ask. There's really no way around it--it's just rude.
You put your host in the position of having to refuse a favor without really leaving an easy out. You've put your host on the spot.


What you are supposed to do is say, "I'm sorry, I don't think I'll be able to attend, because my sister is visiting from out of town, and I can't leave her home by herself."

Then your hostess can -volunteer- and say, "Oh, please, bring her along. Extend my invitation to her as well."

Or your hostess can say, "Oh, that's too bad, we'll miss you. I hope you have a lovely visit with your sister."

But it's rude, rude, rude to -ask-.

rose red

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #33 on: December 05, 2013, 06:12:57 PM »
I don't think it's rude to ask depending on the all the people involved, the host's personality, and the circumstances.  My family and friends have all done it.  For example, if Claire had been a wonderful person and she and the OP/bridesmaids had great time at the wedding.  But in this case, I can't believe Jenny would even ask.

GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #34 on: December 05, 2013, 06:14:20 PM »
"I love you, but no. Claire is not welcome."

One of my best friend's has a friend I cannot stand. She's been very rude to me in the past, she's made backhanded comments about her "beliefs" which diss my family (and she's aware of this), and she's just not that much fun to be around. My best friend is perfectly aware of how I feel about her. If it were my party, and my best friend asked me to bring a long this person, I'd say exactly the above.

doodlemor

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #35 on: December 05, 2013, 06:42:31 PM »
Claire was angry and jealous of your position in Jenny's wedding.  She probably still is.  If she comes to your home, she is likely to find even more reasons to be jealous/angry at you.  If you let her come to the party, there is likely to be some sort of an altercation. 

You have gotten some really great ideas here on dealing with the situation.  I think that you should come up with a series of things to reply to Jenny that would be increasingly blunt if you needed them all.  You probably wouldn't need all of the replies, but it would be helpful to have thought the whole thing through. 

Don't let her come to your party under any circumstances.  She probably will try her best to ruin it.  As another poster stated, too, if you did want to reconcile with her your party would not be the right place to talk.

TootsNYC

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #36 on: December 05, 2013, 06:45:47 PM »
I don't think it's rude to ask depending on the all the people involved, the host's personality, and the circumstances.  My family and friends have all done it.  For example, if Claire had been a wonderful person and she and the OP/bridesmaids had great time at the wedding.  But in this case, I can't believe Jenny would even ask.

But surely if you use the etiquette-approved approach, your family and friends will offer on their own.

You may think the circumstances are one way, and the hosts' personality would allow it, but you do not know all there is, and you are still putting them on the spot. What if this time they want to restrict the gathering to close friends--but they feel they can't say no to you, since you've asked?

Generous people whose personality would make them want to include your friend will do so if you leave the hint out there, and you haven't actually but them on the spot or forced them to say no.

rose red

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #37 on: December 05, 2013, 06:49:47 PM »
I don't think it's rude to ask depending on the all the people involved, the host's personality, and the circumstances.  My family and friends have all done it.  For example, if Claire had been a wonderful person and she and the OP/bridesmaids had great time at the wedding.  But in this case, I can't believe Jenny would even ask.

But surely if you use the etiquette-approved approach, your family and friends will offer on their own.

You may think the circumstances are one way, and the hosts' personality would allow it, but you do not know all there is, and you are still putting them on the spot. What if this time they want to restrict the gathering to close friends--but they feel they can't say no to you, since you've asked?

Generous people whose personality would make them want to include your friend will do so if you leave the hint out there, and you haven't actually but them on the spot or forced them to say no.

I guess it just depends on how things are done in your circle (and in my case, culture too).

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #38 on: December 05, 2013, 06:55:46 PM »
I would be blunt and honest to Jenny that Claire is not invited to this party, period, and cite reasons if need be. There are several people who are not welcome in my and the roommate's house and not allowed to step a single toe on the property for a variety of reasons. If Claire was that horrid to you and others during Jenny's wedding, why on Earth would it be considered acceptable for her to be in your *house*?

hobish

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #39 on: December 05, 2013, 07:12:48 PM »
I don't think it's rude to ask depending on the all the people involved, the host's personality, and the circumstances.  My family and friends have all done it.  For example, if Claire had been a wonderful person and she and the OP/bridesmaids had great time at the wedding.  But in this case, I can't believe Jenny would even ask.

But surely if you use the etiquette-approved approach, your family and friends will offer on their own.

You may think the circumstances are one way, and the hosts' personality would allow it, but you do not know all there is, and you are still putting them on the spot. What if this time they want to restrict the gathering to close friends--but they feel they can't say no to you, since you've asked?

Generous people whose personality would make them want to include your friend will do so if you leave the hint out there, and you haven't actually but them on the spot or forced them to say no.

Surely my friends would see that approach as passive agressive - because it is -  and would wonder why I didn't just come out and ask instead of dropping hints. If they want to say no they can say no. It's done quite frequently in my cirlces. Asking if you can bring someone to an informal get together isn't putting someone on the spot any more than asking someone to come to the party is.


There is a friend of a friend who has been to my house twice under those circumstances. After I decided I didn't want him in my house any more I was direct with them, and their roomate. "Hey, I know we usually have a the-more-the-merrier type thing going on and if I invite one of you I generally expect all of you ... but please don't bring Him to my house. He was kind of rude and really rubbed me the wrong way. I'll be polite if I ever see him - just not at my house."
« Last Edit: December 05, 2013, 07:16:34 PM by hobish »
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Mergatroyd

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #40 on: December 05, 2013, 07:47:45 PM »
Just say "no, that won't be possible."

*inviteseller

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #41 on: December 05, 2013, 08:17:07 PM »
There is nothing wrong with not wanting this person in your house.  Tell Jenny that due to the behaviors Claire exhibited towards you and the other bridesmaids, you don't feel comfortable welcoming her into your house..full stop.  Jenny will probably try to reason with you, but just say that you and some other guests are not comfortable with her so she is not invited.  Be prepared for Jenny not to come, but that is her choice.  You do not have to endure an abusive person in your home to make your friend happy.

eee

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #42 on: December 05, 2013, 09:03:08 PM »
If it were an outside location where, if Claire was getting to me, I could just leave, I'd say 'Sure, bring her along.'  But to have her in my home where I can't leave and the probability of drama is fairly high?  Not a chance.

I'm with Goosey and Gramma Dishes.

Yup this.

Maybe Claire doesn't deserve to be banished from your life forever. But she does deserve to be banished from your highlight of the year Christmas party in your own home.

Agreed. Definitely tell her no.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #43 on: December 05, 2013, 09:03:38 PM »
You are not being unreasonable.

I like the notion of telling Jenny that Claire's presence would make you and many guests uncomfortable. Or you could say "There's a lot of tension between myself and [names of bridesmaids] on one hand, and Claire on the other. I don't feel it's appropriate for me to include her on the guest list."

And yes, be prepared for the fact that Jenny may choose to skip your party and spend time with her sister.

bopper

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #44 on: December 05, 2013, 11:23:41 PM »
"Jenny, I only told you half of the things Claire did at the wedding. She didn't like me or at least the fact that I was your MOH.
I dealt with it because I love you and wanted your wedding to be great.  However, i have to say no to Claire coming over.  It would be much too stressful."