Author Topic: I don't want that person in my house UPDATE Post #95, Pg 7  (Read 14473 times)

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PennyandPleased

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I don't want that person in my house UPDATE Post #95, Pg 7
« on: December 05, 2013, 11:14:20 AM »
:BG: One of my best friends (Jenny) has a much older half-sister, Claire. Claire is about 15 years older than us and for lack of a better phrase is a 'few cards short of a deck' (Jenny's words not mine). Claire and Jenny were never close until about 4 years ago when they reconnected. Claire lives 3 hours away.

I was the maid of honor in Jenny's wedding. Jenny mentioned that Claire was mad she was not the MOH but Jenny knew Claire could not handle the responsibility.

Claire was HORRIBLE towards me through out the wedding planning process. She was over all incredibly rude, lied about some things, sent nasty emails to the maids, etc. I remained civil towards her but engaged her only when necessary after the first few instances. I did mention a few instances to Jenny when I felt it was necessary (basically to save myself from possibly looking bad) but I didn't tell her everything. Jenny did apologize about Claire's behavior and said that she knew Claire had a bad lieing problem, etc. Claire was also pretty bad towards Jenny and the other 'maids towards the end of things as well. At the bachelorette party Claire called one of the maids "a 'ducking' idiot" to her face when she accidentally lead the group to the wrong parking lot after leaving the beach. (The cars were 1 lot over, a 2 minute walk, so not a huge deal.) The other maids were afraid of her and had issues with Claire as well but not as bad as me. But we got through the wedding fine and that was that.
 :END BG:


Every year, a few weekends before Christmas, I host a huge holiday party for all my friends and family - dress up, good food, fun drinks, etc. It's a big deal for my group.

I just got an email from Jenny telling me that Claire will be in town that weekend staying with her and wanted to know if it was okay for Claire to come to my holiday party.  I love Jenny but there is no way in hades I am allowing Claire in my home for this event which means so much to me.

(Many of the maids from Jenny's wedding will be at the party as well, in case this may matter.) 

If people think I am being unreasonable please let me know. Otherwise can I please have some help with what to say to respond to Jenny?  I do not want to jeopardize my relationship with Jenny but quite frankly I don't want Claire in my home.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2013, 09:13:18 AM by PennyandPleased »

menley

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2013, 11:16:37 AM »
Does Jenny know about the issues with Claire from the past? That would impact my answer, I think.

BarensMom

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2013, 11:20:34 AM »
You could say, "Jenny, I don't think I've told you this, but it was apparent at the wedding that Claire really dislikes me.  I can't imagine why Claire would want to attend."

The other thing you could say is, "I'm sorry, Jenny, but I'm maxed out with my guest list and they'll be hanging from the rafters.  I can't possibly fit one more person inside my house."

Goosey

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2013, 11:20:58 AM »
Since you are close friends with Jenny, who not just be honest with her?

"I love you, but no. Claire is not welcome."

I'm assuming she knows about Claire's bad behavior. As a friend, she should understand.

PennyandPleased

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2013, 11:22:21 AM »
***** OP HERE *****

I did tell Jenny about some of the major issues with Claire as they happened and I know 2 of the other bridesmaids told Jenny about some issues THEY had directly with Claire.

menley

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2013, 11:24:32 AM »
Okay, since Jenny is aware of how poorly you were treated, I would be honest with her. "I'm sorry, Jenny, but Claire is not welcome in my home, I would be very uncomfortable around her after how she treated me at your wedding." This may mean that Jenny doesn't attend as she won't want to leave Claire on her own for the evening, but I assume you would prefer that over her bringing Claire.


gramma dishes

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2013, 11:34:37 AM »
...   "I love you, but no. Claire is not welcome."   ...

I'd go with this.  You really, REALLY have strong feelings about this.  There's no ambivalence whatsoever.  You do not want Claire there.

You should not feel obligated to include someone on your guest list who not only doesn't get along with you, but also doesn't get along with other people who will be attending.  It would make for an extremely uncomfortable evening for everybody. 

Hopefully, Jenny will understand, but you have to be aware that she probably won't be attending herself if her sister can't come.

Edited to add:  I'm glad Jenny had the foresight to email you about this rather than calling you on the phone.  She gave you some time to think about how you want to respond and I think that was very thoughtful on her part.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2013, 11:37:05 AM by gramma dishes »

YummyMummy66

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #7 on: December 05, 2013, 11:42:22 AM »
As much as I would like to say that you should not invite Claire, for Jenny's sake, I would not tell her directly that Claire is not welcome in your home. 

What I would do is let Jenny know, if Claire in any way behaves as she did towards you during Jenny's wedding process and the wedding itself, you will not stand for it in your own home and will call her out on it.  (Maybe not directly in front of everyone, but you will not stand by and let Claire treat you like she has been treating you).  Nor, will you let her act the same way towards any of your guests, some of those being the same bridesmaids who Claire also treated poorly.

This way it is up to Jenny to either decide not to attend your gathering, or tell Claire to be on her best behavior or tell Claire that she will be away for a few hours.

My husband had to tell his brother that his girlfriend better be on her best behavior at Thanksgiving and it worked.  She actually was pleasant to be around and there was no drama.  Now, this is different in that we have no choice but to deal with her because of my BIL on a more regular basis.

Twik

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #8 on: December 05, 2013, 11:51:30 AM »
That's nice it worked for you, but not everyone can control what their friends and families do in public.

And if it takes Jenny threatening thunder on Claire to make her behave for the party, what on earth is the point of her going? *Someone* is going to be very uncomfortable - probably all three of Jenny, Claire and the OP.

If someone has been horrible to me, and never apologized, they don't get a pass to enter my house as a friend just because someone else tries to promise that they'll behave *this* time.
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Aquamarine

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #9 on: December 05, 2013, 12:02:38 PM »
As much as I would like to say that you should not invite Claire, for Jenny's sake, I would not tell her directly that Claire is not welcome in your home. 

What I would do is let Jenny know, if Claire in any way behaves as she did towards you during Jenny's wedding process and the wedding itself, you will not stand for it in your own home and will call her out on it.  (Maybe not directly in front of everyone, but you will not stand by and let Claire treat you like she has been treating you).  Nor, will you let her act the same way towards any of your guests, some of those being the same bridesmaids who Claire also treated poorly.

This way it is up to Jenny to either decide not to attend your gathering, or tell Claire to be on her best behavior or tell Claire that she will be away for a few hours.

My husband had to tell his brother that his girlfriend better be on her best behavior at Thanksgiving and it worked.  She actually was pleasant to be around and there was no drama.  Now, this is different in that we have no choice but to deal with her because of my BIL on a more regular basis.

This puts the OP in the position of just sucking it up and enduring this person's presence or the other choice of making a scene in her own home and calling Claire out on her behavior.  Why on earth should the OP put herself in this position just to spare the feelings of someone who does not care about the OP's feelings?

OP.  Tell your friend the truth and that Claire is not welcome to be in your home.  Your friend can then either chose to attend or decline.  A true friend will understand.
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mime

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #10 on: December 05, 2013, 12:06:30 PM »
I want to agree with YummyMummy because I believe strongly in second chances, but not at a party in my own home. I wouldn't want the other bridesmaids to be uncomfortable, I wouldn't want Jenny to have to play referee, and I wouldn't want to be worrying all evening about whether Claire has figured out how to tone down her behavior at the party I'm hosting.

I like grandma dishes response.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #11 on: December 05, 2013, 12:23:00 PM »
If it were an outside location where, if Claire was getting to me, I could just leave, I'd say 'Sure, bring her along.'  But to have her in my home where I can't leave and the probability of drama is fairly high?  Not a chance.

I'm with Goosey and Gramma Dishes.
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Deetee

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #12 on: December 05, 2013, 12:26:53 PM »
If it were an outside location where, if Claire was getting to me, I could just leave, I'd say 'Sure, bring her along.'  But to have her in my home where I can't leave and the probability of drama is fairly high?  Not a chance.

I'm with Goosey and Gramma Dishes.

Yup this.

Maybe Claire doesn't deserve to be banished from your life forever. But she does deserve to be banished from your highlight of the year Christmas party in your own home.

TootsNYC

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #13 on: December 05, 2013, 12:29:00 PM »
As much as I would like to say that you should not invite Claire, for Jenny's sake, I would not tell her directly that Claire is not welcome in your home. 

What I would do is let Jenny know, if Claire in any way behaves as she did towards you during Jenny's wedding process and the wedding itself, you will not stand for it in your own home and will call her out on it.  (Maybe not directly in front of everyone, but you will not stand by and let Claire treat you like she has been treating you).  Nor, will you let her act the same way towards any of your guests, some of those being the same bridesmaids who Claire also treated poorly.

This way it is up to Jenny to either decide not to attend your gathering, or tell Claire to be on her best behavior or tell Claire that she will be away for a few hours.

My husband had to tell his brother that his girlfriend better be on her best behavior at Thanksgiving and it worked.  She actually was pleasant to be around and there was no drama.  Now, this is different in that we have no choice but to deal with her because of my BIL on a more regular basis.

I think that's really not fair to the other guests.

And you're right in that our OP doesn't have any need to deal with this person.

So I'd suggest that PennyandPleased should say to Jenny, "I'm sorry, no, I can't include Claire; I understand if you'll have to miss the party. We can get together, just you and me, on another date, though--let me know what your schedule is."


If she persists, then this is nice:
Quote
"Jenny, it was apparent at the wedding that Claire really dislikes me.  I can't imagine why Claire would want to attend."

And maybe add:
"She was very unpleasant to me and to other people who will be at my party. It would not be appropriate for me to invite her."

acicularis

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #14 on: December 05, 2013, 12:37:01 PM »
If people think I am being unreasonable please let me know.

You are not being unreasonable.

As far as what to say, I don't know if it's better to say "I'm sorry, I've maxed out my guest list and can't accommodate any more guests," or "I'm sorry, but considering how much Claire dislikes me, I can't imagine this would be comfortable for anyone."