Author Topic: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules UPDATE #49,#118 134 FIN  (Read 29235 times)

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LadyL

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #15 on: December 06, 2013, 10:21:28 AM »
OP, my read of the 'no shorts' rule was indicating formality, not modesty. After all, knee length shorts are pretty modest in all but the most conservative dress codes.

wildkitty

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #16 on: December 06, 2013, 10:24:53 AM »
I very clearly stated that I felt the OP's mother had every right to refuse the dog. However, I am saying that my Holiday hill to die on would be to spend said holiday without my dog. If that means I don't visit my mother for Christmas than we both made our choices.

I think that your (hypothetical) mother has every right to protect *her* dog from being made uncomfortable in her own home. As an animal lover, you should have no resentment over that.

I not sure how I could be more clear. Where are you getting resentment? A choice that may make my mother unhappy does not mean there is resentment.

Jones

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #17 on: December 06, 2013, 10:31:25 AM »
I can see what Wildkitty is saying. When she has a holiday hill, and someone else has the opposite holiday hill, she has the choice to:
-leave the dog elsewhere (she stated she wouldn't)
-bring the dog anyway (Rude and snowflakey)
-not break the rules and not come at all (what she stated she would do)

OP I know that if I were planning to travel 1000 miles for Christmas and was told I couldn't fulfill a long term tradition I'd choose to stay home. Doesn't feel worth the hassle.

When DH, DD and I were living in a different state, we stayed home every Christmas. Not because of any potential host's rules, or anything, just didn't seem worth it to stress over travel, cram into a house with a large number of people, pack up our gifts and travel stress again. So, that's where I'm coming from in this situation. It may be worth it to you, in which case you need to follow the host's rules.

Marisol

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #18 on: December 06, 2013, 10:47:55 AM »
OP, my read of the 'no shorts' rule was indicating formality, not modesty. After all, knee length shorts are pretty modest in all but the most conservative dress codes.

That is how I read that too.  That she wanted to make sure the kids wore formal clothes, not that she was worried they would show up in "short-shorts". 

mimi_cat

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #19 on: December 06, 2013, 11:00:21 AM »
It sounds like you are ok with leaving the dog at home.  And the shorts comment is kind of strange, but again, not really a big deal because that wasn't going to happen anyway.

In regards to the cookies - I agree with both suggestions about talking to your kids, and talking to the SIL as well.  It sounds like your best course of action may be to make them in advance and bring them along.

GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #20 on: December 06, 2013, 11:11:58 AM »
Dog-Ok mom, we can get our friends to watch the dog/board the dog, not a problem.
Shorts-Ok mom, no one will wear shorts in December...not a problem. (feel free to roll eyes if on the phone)
Cookies-Oh, did SIL say she didn't feel we spent enough time on her thing last year? Mom I have to say, I really enjoy doing the Santa cookies and would love to get to do them with my niece/nephews as well as my own kids this year. Is there another reason you're asking we not do these?

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling your mom there's a tradition that you do and you like doing it and would like to continue to do this. She might think it's no big deal, or you just started doing because your kids were little. Now they're teenagers and she might think they aren't into anymore or you don't want to do it. Let her know you like doing it, your kids like doing it, and the little kids could find it enjoyable as well.

Also on the shorts, I'm 27 years old. I've held fairly professional jobs and have been to many "dressy" events. My mother still reminds me to wear clean clothes and nothing that says anything offensive to family gatherings/dressy events. I'm convinced that parents are forever sure we have no idea how to dress ourselves. Or our offspring. Just roll with it. (I've employed sarcasm myself, but that works in our relationship, we're close)

Julsie

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #21 on: December 06, 2013, 11:23:08 AM »
I don't think the problem is with any of the rules, per se.  It's the overall micro-managing that feels so off-putting.  We lose the big picture when we argue the acceptability of banning dogs/shorts/cookies.

If nothing else, reading this forum teaches me how to be a good mother of adult children in the future.  Or rather, I learn how to avoid being a bad one.

TootsNYC

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #22 on: December 06, 2013, 11:29:20 AM »
W/ the dog thing, bummer, but you've got a plan. (Chihuahuas can be pretty fierce in terms of personality, so she could be right on that count.)


I think your mom just got a bee in her bonnet w/ the shorts thing. She doesn't see your children as true individuals; they are "my teenage grandkids," and someone in her circle has teenage grandkids that wore SHORTS TO CHURCH!! GASP!! And she can't differentiate between THOSE SHORTS-WEARING KIDS! and her own grandkids.
   My response would have probably been to laugh--one of those nose-centered snorts that's sort of embarrassing and hard to stop (and they hurt!).
   And then to say, "Oka-a-ay? I can promise you on their behalf; they'll dress nicely. Next?"


W/ the cookies, I'm a firm believer that traditions like this aren't really dictated.
Grandma may say she wants Santa cookies to happen differently, but my question would be: what do all the *kids* think?

It's their tradition, actually. And I know that I'd be unhappy at having it changed, were I a -kid- in that extended family.

So, my vote is to contact the other moms in the family and ask them to sound out the kids. And then you three decide what to do, and Sis-in-law T. can get back to Grandma and say, "We polled the children, and they really want to do X, so I hope you can accommodate that. Gotta go!"

(I do think you should seriously consider that one thing could be that one of the sis-in-laws feels a little shut out of holiday traditions related to the cookies, etc., etc. So be open to that, and see if you can tease it out. Me, I'd just say, "It occurred to me, maybe we should tweak that so it feels more involving of everyone. Maybe I'm monopolizing things. How can we make you be move involved here, instead of me hogging the limelight?")


Heck, OP, if I were *you* I wouldn't want to give up the making of the cookies w/ my nieces and nephews. It would be really, really fun for me, to have that time and that project with them. (As a niece, it would be important to me to have that be my aunt's project, too.)

Making them and bringing them would not be the point. The point isn't to -have- the cookies; it's to -make- them. Together.

TootsNYC

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #23 on: December 06, 2013, 11:29:58 AM »
I don't think the problem is with any of the rules, per se.  It's the overall micro-managing that feels so off-putting.  We lose the big picture when we argue the acceptability of banning dogs/shorts/cookies.

Nice point!

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If nothing else, reading this forum teaches me how to be a good mother of adult children in the future.  Or rather, I learn how to avoid being a bad one.

Me too!

Kariachi

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #24 on: December 06, 2013, 11:32:55 AM »
Here's what's bothering me.

The OP says that her family made these cookies when she was growing up, and then stopped for a few years when her father died. But she revived the tradition before she moved out of the house.

While her mother states that OP's been doing it since her kids were in preschool, with no mention of the fact that it's been a long-standing tradition.

It feels like the mom is trying to downplay the cookie tradition. Probably to make it seem like not a big deal when, really, it kinda is.
"Heh. Forgive our manners, little creature that we may well kill and eat you is no excuse for rudeness."

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #25 on: December 06, 2013, 11:35:30 AM »
Part of it is the micro managing, like Julsie said.  Part of it though is the negativity: NO this, NO that, NO the other thing.  It would make me feel like adding: NO fun.

How much easier it would have been to say: I would love for the whole family to attend evening church service.  It would be such a thrill to see everyone, even the kids, all dressed up.
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wildkitty

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #26 on: December 06, 2013, 11:36:30 AM »
I don't think the problem is with any of the rules, per se.  It's the overall micro-managing that feels so off-putting.  We lose the big picture when we argue the acceptability of banning dogs/shorts/cookies.

Nice point!

Quote
If nothing else, reading this forum teaches me how to be a good mother of adult children in the future.  Or rather, I learn how to avoid being a bad one.

Me too!

You both nailed it!

Yes, Chihuahuas do seem to epitomize the Napoleon complex. In the end the OP just needs to decide if her mother's restrictions will lessen her family's enjoyment of the holiday and make her decision based on that.

whatsanenigma

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #27 on: December 06, 2013, 12:29:24 PM »
Part of it is the micro managing, like Julsie said.  Part of it though is the negativity: NO this, NO that, NO the other thing.  It would make me feel like adding: NO fun.

How much easier it would have been to say: I would love for the whole family to attend evening church service.  It would be such a thrill to see everyone, even the kids, all dressed up.

That, or even "Just to remind you, this church's expectations for clothing are pretty much the same as the ones your church has, so don't worry about trying to dress differently, you can just wear whatever you usually wear to your own church and you will fit in just fine!".

whatsanenigma

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #28 on: December 06, 2013, 12:39:49 PM »

1.  NO DOG. (.)

Our chihuahua mix dog is NOT allowed to visit, because their dog felt too dominated last time.

-- So we will do a combo of boarding and friends taking him.



What bothers me about this is not that she has asked the OP not to bring the dog.  It is her house and her dog and she has every absolute right to say what other animals, if any, visit, and under what circumstances.

However, if her dog really felt "too dominated" last time, it seems to me it should have been brought up then, if the concern really is for her dog.  If I had someone visiting with their pet and for some reason my cat was upset by this, I think I would try to address it at that time in order to minimize the distress of my own pet. 

Not, of course, in a "get that evil animal out of my house right this second and never bring it back!" way, but in a calm rational way in which I and the owner of the other animal could work out how to keep the animals separated or whatever.  And maybe or maybe not we would decide that the animal shouldn't visit any more, or whatever.

Bottom line to me: It is very possible that the other dog genuinely was distressed in some way by the OP's dog.  And the mom has the absolute right to ask that the OP's dog not return.  But given the fact that a dog cannot say, after the fact, "Oh, by the way, I felt really uncomfortably dominated by that other dog when it was here, I just didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to be inhospitable", it strikes me as rather odd that this only comes up now, when if the dogs really were not getting along, nothing was done to soothe an upset dog in the actual moment.

sparksals

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Re: "No dog, no shorts, no cookies." Mom's Christmas rules
« Reply #29 on: December 06, 2013, 12:49:19 PM »
There is nothing more I despise than when someone presumes rudeness before it has happened... as in the no shorts thing and the OP's son knowing to dress up.


When my dad died, long time family friends invited us all out for dinner at their country club.  Very hoity toity place.  My mother came to me and said Sally told her to tell my husband not to wear jeans.  She assumed dh would wear jeans.  Yes, he is a cowboy type, but he knows how to dress up and does it very well.  He was really offended.  I think it was actually  my mom 'suggesting' this, but blaming the hostess.