Author Topic: I don't want that person in my house UPDATE Post #95, Pg 7  (Read 14477 times)

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LifeOnPluto

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #90 on: December 08, 2013, 09:40:03 PM »

And yes, be prepared for the fact that Jenny may choose to skip your party and spend time with her sister.

Well, Jenny has a previous commitment. And since she can't reconcile them, it would be rude for Jenny to leave her sister alone in order to go to *any* social engagement.

So it's not really "Jenny choosing to skip the OP's party"; it's "Jenny has plans for that night already, and it would be rude of her to change them."

Good point Toots, I didn't think of it that way.

Although this raises another interesting question - is it ALWAYS rude to leave a guest by themselves to attend another function? What if your guest is staying for a month? Are you really expected to decline all social invitations in that period, so that your guest is not left alone? Or what if your guest has other plans for that day, anyway? Is it ok then, to attend a social event?

My take on this is that if you know you are going to have a house guest on a specific date, and you get an invitation for that date, you respond with "Oh, thank you very much, but Great-Aunt Sarah will be staying with us that week." Leaving the host free to say, "Sorry, we'll miss you, " or "Oh, I've always wanted to meet her! Please, bring her along!"

If you have already accepted an invitation, and then you find that someone wants to come and visit you that day, what I'd do is tell the guest, "Sure, you can come and stay that weekend. But I already have plans for Saturday night, so you'll be on your own then." I don't think that's rude--you have explained the parameters of the visit and the guest is free to accept them or reject them. Or you could tell the prospective guest that the proposed dates for the visit simply don't work for you.

It's the prior commitment thing. In the first case, your first commitment is to the houseguest you have invited. In the second case, your first commitment is to the host who invited you.

Sure. But what if Aunt Sarah isn't staying for a week, but rather three months? Are you still expected to have no social life (outside of Aunt Sarah) for that period?

TootsNYC

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #91 on: December 08, 2013, 10:25:14 PM »
That's between you and Aunt Sarah. But I would say that someone staying more than 7 days needs to be able to be self-sufficient now and then.

Tea Drinker

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #92 on: December 09, 2013, 12:04:12 AM »

And yes, be prepared for the fact that Jenny may choose to skip your party and spend time with her sister.

Well, Jenny has a previous commitment. And since she can't reconcile them, it would be rude for Jenny to leave her sister alone in order to go to *any* social engagement.

So it's not really "Jenny choosing to skip the OP's party"; it's "Jenny has plans for that night already, and it would be rude of her to change them."

Good point Toots, I didn't think of it that way.

Although this raises another interesting question - is it ALWAYS rude to leave a guest by themselves to attend another function? What if your guest is staying for a month? Are you really expected to decline all social invitations in that period, so that your guest is not left alone? Or what if your guest has other plans for that day, anyway? Is it ok then, to attend a social event?

My take on this is that if you know you are going to have a house guest on a specific date, and you get an invitation for that date, you respond with "Oh, thank you very much, but Great-Aunt Sarah will be staying with us that week." Leaving the host free to say, "Sorry, we'll miss you, " or "Oh, I've always wanted to meet her! Please, bring her along!"

If you have already accepted an invitation, and then you find that someone wants to come and visit you that day, what I'd do is tell the guest, "Sure, you can come and stay that weekend. But I already have plans for Saturday night, so you'll be on your own then." I don't think that's rude--you have explained the parameters of the visit and the guest is free to accept them or reject them. Or you could tell the prospective guest that the proposed dates for the visit simply don't work for you.

It's the prior commitment thing. In the first case, your first commitment is to the houseguest you have invited. In the second case, your first commitment is to the host who invited you.

Sure. But what if Aunt Sarah isn't staying for a week, but rather three months? Are you still expected to have no social life (outside of Aunt Sarah) for that period?

If it's three months, it's time to have some kind of party of your own so your houseguest can meet some of your friends, unless your guest is so reclusive/introverted/overwhelmed by other things that they don't want to get to know people, just spend most of the time with a book or computer. I can see that: a hypothetical friend or relative who needs a quiet place to finish writing a book or study for the bar exam, with occasional breaks for exercise or mindless entertainment. Not everyone would offer that person the three months in the spare room, but that's between the possible host and guest, and "I mostly want to do my work, and spend time with you over dinner a few nights a week, and I know how to do dishes" might work.

More likely, though, Aunt Sarah either already knows people in the area and can get together with them on her own, or is interested in meeting people, so the host might throw a party or board games night, or suggest a movie night or trip to the beach or such.
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Bethalize

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #93 on: December 09, 2013, 03:06:46 AM »
Emily Post wrote this:
"  One may never ask for an invitation for oneself anywhere! And one may not ask for an invitation to a luncheon or a dinner for a stranger. But an invitation for any general entertainment may be asked for a stranger—especially for a house-guest. "
http://www.bartleby.com/95/11.html

Jones

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #94 on: December 09, 2013, 08:32:22 AM »
I will admit, prior to this thread, had I invited a friend to an open house style party and the friend replied they couldn't come because Relative was visiting...I would have been hurt. First thought would have been "oh, you don't want Relative to meet me? Is it my personality? My husband? My house? What about me is so embarrassing you don 't want a Relative to come to my big shebang?" Because to me an open house is definitely "the more the merrier".

Obviously in OP's case, a different situation, and I 'd have no problem telling my friend that her sister didn't seem to like us and probably shouldn't come.

PennyandPleased

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #95 on: December 09, 2013, 09:12:48 AM »
**** OP HERE ****

So I emailed Jenny back and used the suggestions here, saying:

Hi Jenny,
I love you but as a result of Claire's behavior towards me prior to your wedding, I am sorry but no, she is not invited to the party.

See you soon,
Penny


Jenny then texted me a bit later and said "No problem about Claire. I figured that's what you would say but figured I'd ask so I wouldn't be stuck with her all weekend. She basically invited herself down here because she wants to go out in the City to see all the Christmas lights. "  :o

We then went on to chat via text about some other things and I am confident that me and Jenny are fine. I was annoyed that Jenny still asked about bringing Claire when she basically already knew the outcome. But oh well.  It's too bad Jenny does not have an EHell Spine like us and won't say no to Claire.

I feel much better about this because I was worried I was being a SS about not allowing Claire into my home.

Thank you everyone!!!!

cicero

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #96 on: December 09, 2013, 09:17:35 AM »
glad it all worked out.

it sounds like Jenny needed an excuse to give to claire - now she can say "sorry you can't come but PnP can't accommodate you"...


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Goosey

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #97 on: December 09, 2013, 09:38:46 AM »
I don't understand how it's rude based on anticipation of future rudeness. I mean, I guess I just don't have a problem saying "no" to my friends or family when the situation merits it.  :P

Any push back at all would met with "Dude, I said I can't do it. I'll see you another time."

But claims of "it puts me on point because they're going to be rude" baffle me because (1) we're always talking about having a shiny spine, (2) making it universally rude basically claims that all people are going to be rude in response to a "no"

YummyMummy66

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Re: I don't want that person in my house UPDATE Post #95, Pg 7
« Reply #98 on: December 09, 2013, 10:23:14 AM »
Wow. Claire sounds like a peach.   

So, she invites herself to someone's home so she can see Christmas lights?  Who does she expect to drive her around to see these lights?  Jenny?   

Yep.  You need to teach Jenny to get a spine. 

When Claire calls next time and tries to invite herself, Jenny should respond, "I am afraid that won't be possible" and keep repeating.

sparksals

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #99 on: December 09, 2013, 01:52:04 PM »
That's between you and Aunt Sarah. But I would say that someone staying more than 7 days needs to be able to be self-sufficient now and then.


There was a thread awhile back about that very topic - whether a long term guest/live in should be invited as a social unit when they are not a couple.  Someone was having  a party .. I think it was an annual event... and a guest had a family member living with them.  It was quite the debate if that family member should be invited.  The host didn't want to extend the invite yet many people here thought that was rude.  I don't think it is.


sparksals

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #100 on: December 09, 2013, 01:57:41 PM »
I will admit, prior to this thread, had I invited a friend to an open house style party and the friend replied they couldn't come because Relative was visiting...I would have been hurt. First thought would have been "oh, you don't want Relative to meet me? Is it my personality? My husband? My house? What about me is so embarrassing you don 't want a Relative to come to my big shebang?" Because to me an open house is definitely "the more the merrier".

Obviously in OP's case, a different situation, and I 'd have no problem telling my friend that her sister didn't seem to like us and probably shouldn't come.


I think this type of situation would be one of not assuming offense when none is intended.  It wouldn't cross my mind to personalize this, but just goes to show how we are all different.


I do an open house for Boxing Day every year and it is invite only.  Not everyone subscribes to 'the more the merrier' when it comes to guests of guests for an open house.  I still need to have an idea of the guest list so I have enough food and booze.  [size=78%]If I was hosting a party and I got a response like above, depending on who it is, I would either say .. please bring them or we will miss you.   OUr BD party can get pretty wild - a fair amount of wine is consumed.  If it is a friend's elderly mother, I don't think my BD party is a good fit.  If it is a friend's best friend from college or someone I have met before (and like),  then I most likely will say to bring her.[/size]
[/size]

aussie_chick

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Re: I don't want that person in my house
« Reply #101 on: December 10, 2013, 02:44:29 AM »
**** OP HERE ****

So I emailed Jenny back and used the suggestions here, saying:

Hi Jenny,
I love you but as a result of Claire's behavior towards me prior to your wedding, I am sorry but no, she is not invited to the party.

See you soon,
Penny


Jenny then texted me a bit later and said "No problem about Claire. I figured that's what you would say but figured I'd ask so I wouldn't be stuck with her all weekend. She basically invited herself down here because she wants to go out in the City to see all the Christmas lights. "  :o

We then went on to chat via text about some other things and I am confident that me and Jenny are fine. I was annoyed that Jenny still asked about bringing Claire when she basically already knew the outcome. But oh well.  It's too bad Jenny does not have an EHell Spine like us and won't say no to Claire.

I feel much better about this because I was worried I was being a SS about not allowing Claire into my home.

Thank you everyone!!!!

Great outcome for the friendship with you and Jenny. I'm glad you felt you were able to be honest and upfront with her and that it seems like you guys have quite easily moved on from this.

Given that she said she "knew" the outcome, I would be a bit annoyed too! Claire invited herself to Jenny's. That's where Jenny could have put a stop to it and said "sorry, not possible. I already have plans." Then no one would have to put up with Claire!