Author Topic: Ignoring kids who are soliciting  (Read 5727 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

PastryGoddess

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4525
    • My Image Portfolio and Store
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #45 on: December 09, 2013, 03:43:05 PM »
I don't understand the big deal about saying "No" or "No, Thank you."

"I shouldn't have to?" Well, perhaps not but if you don't respond at all, people generally assume you didn't hear them.

Saying "No," takes one second, and is likely to get them to leave you alone. What's the fuss?

Saying no 1 time takes 1 second. It's when you are constantly bombarded with requests that it gets out of hand. 

I have no problem saying no at the grocery store, because there is usually just 1 group fundraising.  When I go to the mall, I'm constantly bombarded with solicitation requests.  I'm not going to say no to every single person/kiosk that's there.

Also, I don't have to say anything if I don't want to.  Just because it's the nice thing to do, doesn't mean I'm required to do it. 

Pen^2

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1107
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #46 on: December 09, 2013, 03:45:16 PM »
All of these things are designed to prey upon your desire to be "nice" and "polite" and to talk to people who talk to you.
But you still can be nice and poliite and smile and say "No, thanks!"

There is a problem with this, which doesn't affect the OP I think, but is still worth mentioning. In some countries, any response at all to a beggar or street vendor is understood to be an invitation for more. I've travelled to places where the done thing was to not even make eye contact or shake one's head. It was actually considered rude to say, "No, thanks!" because by local custom, this means you're open to talking about it and subsequently have a small interest in haggling, rather than no interest at all. If you actually aren't serious, then responding is seen as purposefully wasting their time, which is, of course, rude.

And as Joeschmo points out, there is a difference at times between being polite and being nice. They are not the same thing, and it is not always appropriate to be both. In this case, it's polite to not respond and keep walking, but it's not necessarily nice.

I agree that as long as you're polite, then I don't see that them being children affects the etiquette here.

Two Ravens

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2265
  • One for sorrow, Two for mirth...
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #47 on: December 09, 2013, 03:48:51 PM »
I don't understand the big deal about saying "No" or "No, Thank you."

"I shouldn't have to?" Well, perhaps not but if you don't respond at all, people generally assume you didn't hear them.

Saying "No," takes one second, and is likely to get them to leave you alone. What's the fuss?

Saying no 1 time takes 1 second. It's when you are constantly bombarded with requests that it gets out of hand. 

I have no problem saying no at the grocery store, because there is usually just 1 group fundraising.  When I go to the mall, I'm constantly bombarded with solicitation requests.  I'm not going to say no to every single person/kiosk that's there.

Also, I don't have to say anything if I don't want to.  Just because it's the nice thing to do, doesn't mean I'm required to do it.

I didn't say anything about being nice. No one is required to be nice, of course. But as I said, if you say nothing you run the risk of people assuming you didn't hear them.

The OP was talking about a grocery store. I don't think the mall kiosk issue is comparable. Those people aren't likely to follow you if you walk away...

tinkytinky

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 378
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #48 on: December 09, 2013, 03:54:51 PM »
I have had this discussion with my husband recently. It seems everywhere we go we need to go thru the "giant wall of buckets".  It isn't a matter of giving, it's the manner in which I am asked (or demanded) to give. If it's a greeting with no expectation of a donation, I'm more likely to give the pocket change I have with me (I don't carry a lot of cash). If asked in a pushy manner, I have no desire to give any money to that person. I might give to the charity in another way, just not to the demanding person. That being said, even though the children were requesting donations to a charity, it doesn't sound like they are being taught the best way to act and react when someone says no. add to that the fact that the adult reinforced that behavior, I don't blame you for not wanting to make eye contact.

Perhaps a small smile with a shake of the head and a 'sorry, no.' as you are walking? (Maybe ask for a pamphlet about the charity or at least an short summary of what it's for/where the money goes. If the children are asking for money, they should have a good grasp about what the charity is about and what the money is used for. if they don't, they shouldn't be asking for money, IMO) If all else fails, you can pull out your phone and make a phone call, even if it's to your voicemail as a reminder what to pick up at the grocery store. Most people, even children, won't interupt you while you are on the phone. you can couple that with eye contact and a small shake of the head.

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

C0mputerGeek

  • C0mputerGeek
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1509
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #49 on: December 09, 2013, 03:58:21 PM »
I thought people might be interested in how Miss Manners recommends responding: 'Sorry' sufficient for charity solicitors

It's interesting that Judith Martin advocates quickly acknowledging the existence of the solicitors. That's not what I was expecting before I did my search.

PastryGoddess

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4525
    • My Image Portfolio and Store
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #50 on: December 09, 2013, 03:58:53 PM »
I don't understand the big deal about saying "No" or "No, Thank you."

"I shouldn't have to?" Well, perhaps not but if you don't respond at all, people generally assume you didn't hear them.

Saying "No," takes one second, and is likely to get them to leave you alone. What's the fuss?

Saying no 1 time takes 1 second. It's when you are constantly bombarded with requests that it gets out of hand. 

I have no problem saying no at the grocery store, because there is usually just 1 group fundraising.  When I go to the mall, I'm constantly bombarded with solicitation requests.  I'm not going to say no to every single person/kiosk that's there.

Also, I don't have to say anything if I don't want to.  Just because it's the nice thing to do, doesn't mean I'm required to do it.

I didn't say anything about being nice. No one is required to be nice, of course. But as I said, if you say nothing you run the risk of people assuming you didn't hear them.

The OP was talking about a grocery store. I don't think the mall kiosk issue is comparable. Those people aren't likely to follow you if you walk away...

Ah! I missed the bolded part the first time around.

I'm ok with people assuming I didn't hear them.  If I want them to know I heard them, I'll let them know somehow.

mime

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 616
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #51 on: December 09, 2013, 04:27:31 PM »
Although I will usually respond to the miscellaneous child "solicitor/beggar" with a "No thank you, not today",  I still do not believe that any response is required by etiquette.    They are approaching me with the sole purpose of separating me from my money.   Regardless of the purpose behind it, I still consider that to be a commercial solicitation and consequently it deserves no response on my part.     The fathers who ran after the prior posters showed incredible entitlement, not to mention rudeness.

<snip>
POD. This is a business situation. The standard rules of etiquette for conversation should not be used in this case. If someone greets you with the intent to have a chat, then the etiquette applied is not the same as when someone greets you as part of a business transaction. To say, "No thanks," while continuing walking would be nice, definitely, but it's not strictly required by etiquette in this case.

ITA. Business etiquette applies here. If kids are going to engage in a "grown-up" business activity, then they should be prepared to have grown-up interactions, which includes lots of rejection and uninterested grown-ups. If a kid isn't ready to deal with that, then he/she should wait another year or two. Parents who can't deal with that need to remember that we all only think our own kids are the cutest things in the world.


GlitterIsMyDrug

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1120
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #52 on: December 09, 2013, 04:34:21 PM »
With kids I usually say "No thank you, not today" and keep on walking. I'll give them a smile too.

With adults I say "Not interested" or "No" and keep on walking. Sometimes I just ignore them but I like to give them a firm no. At least they'll stop hollering at me if they know I say no. Sometimes. At least I feel better ignoring them after I've said no.

The key is to keep on walking. Stopping makes you a sitting target. Keeping moving. You're much harder to catch that way.

The worst experience I had with kids was a group of Boy Scouts outside a store trying to sell something. I was in a hurry and needed to get in, out, and back to work in a quick bunny like manner. So as the first one approached me I said "No, I'm not interested" and kept on moving. I had to pause for someone in front of me and BAM! I was surrounded by tiny little boys, like four of them, trying to get me to buy their...whatever. I just moved through them and went in the store. On the way back out one of the dad's tried to chastise me for not supporting his son's troop. I just kept walking. I was really in a hurry.

cass2591

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 3330
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #53 on: December 09, 2013, 06:39:11 PM »
I've never been ambushed by kids nor constantly bombarded, as someone mentioned. I guess I don't get out enough.

I standby the "no thank you/not today" statement while I keep walking. It takes nothing from me and at least gives the person the modicum of respect by acknowledging them.

YMMV.
There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ~ Mark Twain

Adopting a pet won't change the world, but it will change the world for that pet.

GratefulMaria

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 537
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #54 on: December 09, 2013, 08:19:02 PM »
A civil "Sorry, no" without having to break stride usually does the trick in my small city.  And I more often than not get a "You have a good day, ma'am."

That's between adults, usually panhandlers rather than fundraisers for charity; I rarely run into children (for whatever reason) but would probably handle it the same way.

turnip

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 507
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #55 on: December 09, 2013, 08:32:13 PM »
I always give a pleasant smile and a "Sorry, No Thank You" as I move along.  I actually think it's a good way to practice gracious refusals - something I believe is an an important talent as I may have emphasized in other threads ;-).   If you can learn to give a kind and gracious refusal to any request, I think you can go a long way in life!

*inviteseller

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1821
  • I am Queen Mommy
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #56 on: December 09, 2013, 08:37:36 PM »
I've never been ambushed by kids nor constantly bombarded, as someone mentioned. I guess I don't get out enough.

I standby the "no thank you/not today" statement while I keep walking. It takes nothing from me and at least gives the person the modicum of respect by acknowledging them.

YMMV.

Go to any Walmart on any given weekend in my neighborhood and you will be hit up for the Kiawanis Club, 2 or 3 different schools sports teams, cheerleaders, and bands, along with the assorted heart, cancer, MS whatever fundraisers.  No one is selling anything, mind you...just shaking cans and blocking doors to get us to give glasses to the poor, let them go to some tournament or improve their field, or find a cure for whatever disease they are shilling for.   And honestly, like I said before I am put off that parents use their kids to beg for us to fund their kids activities and with the coffee cans with signs for disease du jour...sorry, don't believe they turn in the money as they are not wearing anything official from the charity like a name badge or something.  And when I have done the smile but say No thing while walking, I have been asked "why not?" so I just ignore (headphones are my friend).

NyaChan

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4107
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #57 on: December 09, 2013, 09:34:52 PM »
I've never been ambushed by kids nor constantly bombarded, as someone mentioned. I guess I don't get out enough.

I standby the "no thank you/not today" statement while I keep walking. It takes nothing from me and at least gives the person the modicum of respect by acknowledging them.

YMMV.

haha me too - I'm now wondering if I look Scroogish or broke because I've never been harassed about giving money outside of the Old City markets in India.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30461
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #58 on: December 09, 2013, 10:01:10 PM »
If they're being passive (standing with a bucket and a sign, for instance), then I think it's fine to just walk past, especially if it's crowded. I think that if anyone, child or adult, addresses you directly, you should acknowledge them. There's nothing wrong with "Not today, thanks."

*Most* of the time I agree with this--if someone addresses you directly, you should acknowledge their presence.

To not do so--to act as though they don't exist--is "the cut direct."

There -are- some people who deserve that treatment from you if they approach you out of the blue (hence the "most" above). Kids soliciting for a charity, under the direct supervision of parents, are not those people.

I think you do need to acknowledge that they exist. You should say, "No, sorry!" and keep walking.

You do not need to stop at all, nor do you need to engage in conversation or hang around to listen to their response. You also don't need to let them finish their spiel.

But you should acknowledge their existence. "No, sorry," is unequivocal.

Sophia

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 11676
  • xi
Re: Ignoring kids who are soliciting
« Reply #59 on: December 09, 2013, 10:03:27 PM »
I've spent time in Europe.  My natural reaction would be to assume the kids were pickpockets and not let them get near me.