Author Topic: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99  (Read 25402 times)

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Katana_Geldar

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #105 on: January 04, 2014, 03:08:43 PM »
Ok, some clarification points that I thought were settled up thread.

1) The lunch was always going to be on that day, this had been decided months before the family gathering had been scheduled. It couldn't be another day not due to my schedule, but theirs. They only arrived the day before and were leaving town that night.

2) I thought my Dad had informed my sisters about the family gathering and as I hadn't been informed otherwise, assumed it was still on and booked as no one seemed to be doing anything about it.

3) Then, when they were informed of the family gathering my sisters changed their minds and decided to go there instead, younger sister assuming that I'd just go along with these changes plans. That was what she ACTUALLY SAID "surely it's better if we just see each other at the family gathering anyway".

About my conversation with younger sister about this: it lasted about five minutes and it only came up because my Dad and DH were having a private chat on the way home from lunch the other day. Youngest sister asked what it was about and I said it was probably about younger sister. That conversation wasn't very long, and we then talked about other things. My guess did turn out to be wrong, but I only found out about this later. Youngest sister did agree that stirring up unnecessary drama was a waste of time and we had a good laugh.

About youngest sisters apology: she had apologised about what she had said about the baby, but completely refused to see where she had been wrong or any alternatives she could have taken other than what she did. The drama about the lunch (which she did start being unpleasant again) was the last straw for me as it was a stupid little thing that need not have gone that far.
She also expected me to "forgive and forget" what she had said about our baby which is something I've been unable to do (DH doesn't think he ever will and doesn't want to be in the same room with her), move on and have things back to normal. Any attempts to explain to her how she had hurt me (something she has not nor ever has apologised for) were immediately fobbed off with telling me not to bring up the past, something she had always a said when I had brought up past wrongs but she conveniently forgot about when she did the exact same thing.
It was then I took a serious look at the entire thing. My sister had caused unnecessary dramas about the two big events in my life so far, my wedding and the birth of my child and expected for me just to get over it. She also stirred up unnecessary drama about a little thing that could have easily been resolved. This was not a relationship I wanted my child exposed to, particularly with how she continually upset me. Telling her anything about it other than what I already have (directly and indirectly) would just draw me back in to the conflict.
So I decided to step back and not talk to her about it, it was all I could do since I knew there was no way I could talk to her sensibly. If she asked me what actually was wrong (which she hasn't, she just assumes I'm mad with her over the lunch) then I'd tell her that I'd had enough of how she treats me and stirs up conflict. But that probably won't happen as she thinks she is right.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #106 on: January 06, 2014, 05:39:43 PM »
Another update,when I didn't think there would be one. She called me last night, I didn't get there in time but after several messages she sent where she wanted to talk and was asking if I was still mad (which I'm not) I sent her a message back telling her the truth: that I wasn't mad at her and I didn't like how there was a drama between us every few months and wanted to avoid this with the baby coming.
I was very careful not to assign blame, she can decide for herself how much culpability is on each side. But the lines of communication have opened. I just have to keep reminding myself that things won't be the same between us ever again and can't be.

Update: we're talking again, I'm just being careful. She realised that we both want the same things and that I wasn't bearing a grudge.

So, this has been resolved in a way, but it has been a learning experience.
« Last Edit: January 06, 2014, 05:48:13 PM by Katana_Geldar »

TurtleDove

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #107 on: January 06, 2014, 06:57:40 PM »
I read the entire thread and am exhausted and confused! OP, I hope your last post is accurate that you don't hold a grudge. Move on and forgive! Or don't. But don't expect your sisters to cater to you while you hold grudges!

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #108 on: January 06, 2014, 07:01:22 PM »
I don't hold grudges, life is too short to hold them and I will (within reasonable grounds) give people the opportunity to redeem themselves. But I can't forget, I have a long memory of how people treat me.

TurtleDove

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #109 on: January 06, 2014, 07:28:10 PM »
I don't hold grudges, life is too short to hold them and I will (within reasonable grounds) give people the opportunity to redeem themselves. But I can't forget, I have a long memory of how people treat me.

Hmmmm. That, to me, is a grudge.

VorFemme

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #110 on: January 06, 2014, 07:32:36 PM »
I've been accused of holding grudges (actually, I think it was feeding them, caging them, training them, as well as a few other things) - but since the person making the accusation was a pot stirring Drama Chef (they'd cook something up if there wasn't enough drama in the situation) - I took it with a lot of salt.

I haven't heard from the Drama Chef in a long time, for some reason....

I'd ended up on bed rest while pregnant and decided to cut some stress out of my life....I went back to a different job after the baby was born...she's about to turn thirty in March.  It's been a while since I even thought about Drama Chef.
« Last Edit: January 06, 2014, 07:34:31 PM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Jones

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #111 on: January 06, 2014, 07:37:21 PM »
I don't hold grudges, life is too short to hold them and I will (within reasonable grounds) give people the opportunity to redeem themselves. But I can't forget, I have a long memory of how people treat me.

Hmmmm. That, to me, is a grudge.

After reading recent posts in the "Why did you give someone the cut direct" thread, I must disagree. One can forgive, and move on, without forgetting or putting themselves back into a position to be hurt.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #112 on: January 06, 2014, 07:50:15 PM »
I don't hold grudges, life is too short to hold them and I will (within reasonable grounds) give people the opportunity to redeem themselves. But I can't forget, I have a long memory of how people treat me.

Hmmmm. That, to me, is a grudge.

After reading recent posts in the "Why did you give someone the cut direct" thread, I must disagree. One can forgive, and move on, without forgetting or putting themselves back into a position to be hurt.

I was thinking of that too and must say I think I'd say a grudge is when you are holding on to the grievance along with the hurt and anger over it.  I wouldn't call it a grudge if one has forgiven the offense but not forgotten it.

As the saying goes "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." If you don't remember you're going to constantly be the fool, and how many of us have stated that we get tired of being an agony aunt to someone who refuses to take charge of their situation?
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

bloo

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #113 on: January 06, 2014, 08:24:15 PM »
I don't hold grudges, life is too short to hold them and I will (within reasonable grounds) give people the opportunity to redeem themselves. But I can't forget, I have a long memory of how people treat me.

Hmmmm. That, to me, is a grudge.

After reading recent posts in the "Why did you give someone the cut direct" thread, I must disagree. One can forgive, and move on, without forgetting or putting themselves back into a position to be hurt.

I was thinking of that too and must say I think I'd say a grudge is when you are holding on to the grievance along with the hurt and anger over it.  I wouldn't call it a grudge if one has forgiven the offense but not forgotten it.

As the saying goes "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." If you don't remember you're going to constantly be the fool, and how many of us have stated that we get tired of being an agony aunt to someone who refuses to take charge of their situation?

Exactly. If you're not nursing and tending the grievance and the feelings that go with it then it is not a grudge. Remembering that there were problems or issues may keep one from falling back into a negative pattern or not making the same mistakes with the same person.

TurtleDove

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #114 on: January 06, 2014, 08:38:38 PM »
For me, I either forgive and move forward, or I don't. If the OP is going to be continuously upset with her sisters, that's fine. But she can't expect them to not have a reaction to that. I absolutely believe in learning from what people show you of themselves. For me, I wouldn't pretend to someone that I forgave them if I wanted them in life. It sounds like the OP isn't past the situation and apparently never will be. Which, fine, but why would she expect her sisters to continue to try if she is making it clear there is no point?

VorFemme

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #115 on: January 06, 2014, 09:06:07 PM »
I've been known to say that I'd rather have a rabid skunk in the house than the person who claims that I have a grudge against them.

That would be because the rabid skunk would probably have better manners, everyone would understand if I insisted that it did leave, and if I had to shoot it - everyone would understand.  Although I do admit that it might take a while to clean up after shooting a rabid skunk in the house.

But the misbehaving person?  Would behave badly, refuse to leave, raise a big SOCIAL stink (no musk glands), and insist that I was the one in the wrong for asking them to leave (no matter the reason).  And shooting them would have caused all kinds of problems because only people who KNEW them knew that they only LOOKED like a reasonable human being...
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

bloo

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #116 on: January 06, 2014, 09:51:41 PM »
For me, I either forgive and move forward, or I don't. If the OP is going to be continuously upset with her sisters, that's fine. But she can't expect them to not have a reaction to that. I absolutely believe in learning from what people show you of themselves. For me, I wouldn't pretend to someone that I forgave them if I wanted them in life. It sounds like the OP isn't past the situation and apparently never will be. Which, fine, but why would she expect her sisters to continue to try if she is making it clear there is no point?

In a separate example (from the OP's situation), there are times where I wouldn't cut a person from my life or even reduce contact but the relationship would change. Off the top of my head, if a friend revealed something deeply personal, they may be sorry, I may be forgiving, but I might hold back temporarily or permanently from confiding in that friend. And if it was permanent it wouldn't be because I was punishing them, it would be acknowledging they aren't capable of keeping confidences so I wouldn't lead them in to temptation, so to speak.

In a situation with ongoing personality differences between family members that don't feel the need to cut each other from their lives, the relationships can evolve to more 'surface' or superficial types to keep peace. Or at least a cessation of hostilities.

AmethystAnne

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #117 on: January 07, 2014, 10:47:20 PM »
I don't hold grudges, life is too short to hold them and I will (within reasonable grounds) give people the opportunity to redeem themselves. But I can't forget, I have a long memory of how people treat me.

Hmmmm. That, to me, is a grudge.

I disagree with you TurtleDove. I would call it being cautious.

JeanFromBNA

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #118 on: January 07, 2014, 11:05:47 PM »
I don't hold grudges, life is too short to hold them and I will (within reasonable grounds) give people the opportunity to redeem themselves. But I can't forget, I have a long memory of how people treat me.

Hmmmm. That, to me, is a grudge.

I disagree with you TurtleDove. I would call it being cautious.
I agree with Anne.  It helps to remember which dogs may bite.

buvezdevin

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99
« Reply #119 on: January 08, 2014, 12:57:36 AM »
For me, I either forgive and move forward, or I don't. If the OP is going to be continuously upset with her sisters, that's fine. But she can't expect them to not have a reaction to that. I absolutely believe in learning from what people show you of themselves. For me, I wouldn't pretend to someone that I forgave them if I wanted them in life. It sounds like the OP isn't past the situation and apparently never will be. Which, fine, but why would she expect her sisters to continue to try if she is making it clear there is no point?

It would seem you missed the OP's statement that she is not mad, and assured her sister - who was asking - of the same.  I understood OP's further statements as lucid, considered recognition that now that communication with her sister(s) has been resumed, OP will be careful with such communications with the aim of avoiding or not engaging in further cycles of drama.  That may entail avoiding certain topics, or "dropping the rope" in some areas, or something else - but seems to reflects OP's desire to avoid further upset, not a determination to nurse a grievance.

After a heated discussion with a family member some years back regarding politics, in which I was upset by personal comments directed at me - I forgave, and also apologized for walking away abruptly mid-conversation - and I have studiously avoided political discussion with that family member since.  That does not mean I haven't moved on, or remain upset - I love her dearly and she is a wonderful woman who has some strongly held political views which I do not share, which she feels as a personal rejection of her values, most of which I do share.  I very much want her in my life, though I do not want to discuss politics in her presence.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
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