Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99

[Katana_Geldar]

Well, posted about a year or so ago about the dramas kicked up by my sisters in relation to our wedding. Younger sister was going overseas on our wedding date after we'd booked everything and told us to change it. When that died down I was hoping that there would be no more dramas, but that hasn't happened.

Following that was a drama about where to spend Christmas last year, we wanted to stay home and my sisters thought we should be with family. We had a VERY nice Christmas at home.

Then, there was the baby. And that was big. Younger sister is a doctor (not long out of uni) and fervently disagreed with our plans for care and the birth with some very unpleasant text messages that upset me and made DH angry. This was rather recently and there's still a bit of tension around.

Now, my Dad wanted to have a lunch or dinner with all of us before Christmas while my sisters are visiting from interstate. This we have been planning for months, and it wasn't until last month that I did something about it because no one else would. And this is while I was suffering from early pregnancy woes. It is booked on the same day as the annual family Christmas get together, which my Dad, DH and I knew when I booked, but we had decided then that we'd rather have lunch in a nice restaurant anyway. It's much easier for DH and I to get to and we'd avoid the crowds that DH doesn't like. And I thought my sisters knew the date clash too and were ok with it.

Last week, both my sisters realised the family Christmas thing was the same day and suggested (rather patronisingly) that we should go to that instead.  So now it's blown up into this huge thing that is really unnecessary. My Dads dealing with it and I told him I didn't want to be involved any more and he agrees that they're wrong.

But this is just one thing after many, and a rather small thing if you think about it. And DH just can't take it anymore. I get upset, we argue and it's just unpleasant all around.

I'm considering calling the whole thing off as it's just too much. They're probably not going to come, we are seeing my Dad Christmas so it's no big loss on ours or his part. I'm also reconsidering the entire relationship I gave with my sisters. It's seems every so often there's new drama and unpleasantness, and that's not something I want our child to be around.

Any ideas? Suggestions?

[JoyinVirginia]

I remember my mother and her sisters arguing, frequently. Mom would get upset. The aunts and my mom would not be taking to each other. My dad and I thought the silence and calm were heavenly. My mother missed her sisters, they started talking again, cycle began again.
Your dh and your child are your primary family now. Do what is best for the three of you.
PS my mom and her sisters argued all their lives. Mom is 93 now and the only one still alive. I don't miss my aunts one bit.

[hannahmollysmom]

My family always leaves the planning up to me. I now say, this is what we are going to do and when. If you can't make it, sorry, see you next time.

Years ago, I used to do my best to work around everyone, and it never happened that everyone was happy about everything. I no longer worry about it. With age comes spine!

[aiki]

You should probably have made it clear to your sisters that you were planning this for the same day as the family Christmas thing, so there was no mistaking from the start that you intended to do the lunch with Dad instead, but that's in the past now.

What does your Dad want to do? If he still wants to do lunch with you, I'd do that, because since the invitation has already been extended to him it would be rude to cancel. If he wants to go to the family thing, then stay home and eat pizza in your pyjamas with hubby and relax.

They can only patronise you if you let them. You're an adult and you're allowed to tell younger sister when she's overstepped the mark. Try these words on for size: "Sis, you're not my doctor. If you were and you behaved like that, I'd be talking to your practice manager before getting my records transferred to someone who understands boundaries." 

[MamaMootz]

IF it were me, I would go see Dad as planned whether or not the sisters are coming. And I would cut the sisters off.

[YummyMummy66]

So, you have an annual Christmas family get together, but you and your dh decide to plan the luncheon on the same day?
Because your dh does not like crowds and it is much easier for you and your dh to get to?

Am I missing something?  (Yes, there appears to be more history here), but honestly, I think you and your dh were and are in the wrong here.   

Is this annual Christmas get together something that dad will be going to also?  So, he is to go to a lunch and then another Christmas get together?

Also, you say the planning has been in the stages for months.  With who?  Were the sisters ever involved in the planning or just you, your dh and dad?   

Why would you plan a luncheon on the same day as the annual family Christmas get together?   

[sammycat]

So, you have an annual Christmas family get together, but you and your dh decide to plan the luncheon on the same day?
Because your dh does not like crowds and it is much easier for you and your dh to get to?

Am I missing something?  (Yes, there appears to be more history here), but honestly, I think you and your dh were and are in the wrong here.   

Is this annual Christmas get together something that dad will be going to also?  So, he is to go to a lunch and then another Christmas get together?

Also, you say the planning has been in the stages for months.  With who?  Were the sisters ever involved in the planning or just you, your dh and dad?   

Why would you plan a luncheon on the same day as the annual family Christmas get together?   

I have to say I was wondering the same thing.

[*inviteseller]

Honestly, it sounds like you made the plans for everyone that works best for your Dh and you without any input from your sisters.  I understand you have a tough relationship with them, but when planning a small family get together it is best to take everyone's wishes into consideration.  If I were your sister, I might be put off by having to decide which event to go to and would suggest moving your meal because it was planned after the annual family get together was.  If it is too much for you and your DH to socialize with them due to the stress, then don't do it, that I get, but to expect them to just go along with what you want is a bit rude.

[Virg]

*inviteseller wrote:

"Honestly, it sounds like you made the plans for everyone that works best for your Dh and you without any input from your sisters.  I understand you have a tough relationship with them, but when planning a small family get together it is best to take everyone's wishes into consideration."

In her defense, she said, "This we have been planning for months, and it wasn't until last month that I did something about it because no one else would."  If nobody else would take control of the planning, then they have little room to hold Katana_Geldar to task for doing it in the way that suits her and her DH best.  If the sisters wanted a say, they had months to put their two cents in, and they knew a month before the event when it was going to be.

Virg

[Katana_Geldar]

My dad had already planned to have the lunch on that day a number of weeks befor the family Christmas was announced. In fact, he actually tried to help organise it but found no one interested in planning anything. So, he went with the suggestion that we just went for lunch ourselves.

The date was planned with me, my dad and my sisters, but no one was doing something until a few weeks ago when I knew we had to boo something or we wouldn't get in anywhere. I knew the family Christmas lunch was on, but DH and I were not going, and neither was my dad.

And why would I plan it the same day? Well, we already were going to do something anyway and not go. Neither DH and I were keen on going. DH doesn't like crowds and doesn't really know my family, I wasn't keen on the long distance to get there and back (three hours of travel on public transport on a weekend) and we're not very close to my dads extended family. He has said in the past that he does not expect us to go to the large family gatherings, he doesn't himself and they don't go out of their way to see us so why should we.

And yes, there is history there. My younger sisters are used to getting me to do things they want and had the full sponsorship of my mum and stepfather. It's inly fairly recently I've been standing up to them. And they hate that.

I still don't understand why they'd rather see extended family than their own sister.

And invite seller, no one has suggested on doing it a different day. I would be open to it, but they just want to cancel the whole thing.

[cheyne]

If they want to cancel, then cancel them.  Get together with your Dad for lunch.  You say your Dad doesn't attend the big family "do", so you and your DH take him out to lunch.

It sounds like you want your sisters to want to spend time with you on your terms.  That may not be possible, as they are adults who are allowed to make their own plans and decisions on how to spend their time.  You can only invite them, it's up to them to accept or decline as they see fit.

[JoyinVirginia]

Your dh and baby are your family now. Everyone else is just relatives.
Go have lunch with your dad. Tell your sisters that you will miss them.

[TootsNYC]

But this is just one thing after many, and a rather small thing if you think about it. And DH just can't take it anymore. I get upset, we argue and it's just unpleasant all around.

Stop arguing about it. Stop getting upset.

I know, it's easier said than done.

But you -are- ready for the next step, which is to stop -caring- what they think or say or do. Just don't care anymore.

It's especially important for you to figure out how to compartmentalize them, because you -must- keep them out of your marriage. And out of your parenting.

Try to find that "amused, superior detachment." (I often mention Ronald Reagan's "there you go again!" to Jimmy Carter during the debates--it was a masterful stroke of belittling, and it is a terrific model to apply, even if only mentally, when people deserve it. And I think these two do.)

Maybe mentally say it out loud--"there they go again!" As if they're an interesting phenomenon.

Because the drama is only real if you let it be. Everybody's mental trick for detaching is different; it's like figuring out how to fall asleep--it's impossible to describe, impossible to teach, and only learned through the trial-and-error of practice.

Maybe you need a catch phrase you can repeat to yourself: "They are not my nuclear family" or "I do not need to make them happy" or "I don't have to care what they think or what they say."

Or JoyinVirginia's: "DH and Baby are my family now. They are just relatives."

[rigs32]

Clearly there's a history here, but I think the holiday lunch conflict is unfair to your sisters.

You may have been planning that date for months, but if they are visiting from out of town it's a lot easier to change a lunch with a small group rather than asking for the extended family event to be rescheduled.  Even if you don't want to attend, they have a right to want to try and do both.  I don't think it's fair to apply the "you committed to my event first rule" in this situation, but that's because it involves family, holidays, and travel. 

You don't have to do what they want, but they don't have to do what you want. 

[HenrysMom]

Personally, I don't know if you're still pregnant or if the baby has arrived, but either way, you don't need this kind of stress.  Have lunch with DH and your father on that day, if you three still want, and let your sisters make the arrangements to see you at another time.  If they won't, it's on them, no matter how much they caterwaul.