Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99

[#borecore]

I'm with the sisters on this one. You don't plan a get-together during another when people are visiting from out of town, have a limited time to visit with each person, and are relying on you, as the locals, to plan their gatherings.

It's just not nice, sorry.

My background is that my paternal and maternal families were of different faiths, and the one side didn't respect or care about the other's traditions. So every other year or so, they'd plan a Hanukkah party ... on Christmas day. When it's an eight-day holiday, and sometimes they'd even do it if Hanukkah had been over for a couple of days, or even if Hanukkah spanned a couple of more convenient weekend days. They know what Christmas is, they know my family celebrates it, they just thought it was funny. We went the first year they did it, thinking, "We can't miss the annual Hanukkah party!" and ... never again. Christmas wasn't "more important" than Hanukkah, but it was only one day, and it was disrespectful of them to be inflexible and unaccommodating of our side of the family.

I understand that your husband doesn't like their parties, or something. And I understand that they're not willing to bend over backward (or even do anything) to accommodate you, but expecting them to do what you want just because you planned it isn't fair to them.

[nayberry]

as you planned and booked the lunch before the get together was organised, then you, dh & your dad have lunch and if your sisters want to be woe is me about missing either lunch or the party, let them.  you booked first. you have the prior engagement

[m2kbug]

I think because your sisters are coming in from out of town, it would be nice to arrange a time that didn't interfere with the big family Christmas shin-dig.  If your sisters want to cancel or cannot/will not find a time that works better, then you, DH, and your dad should continue with your lunch plans as scheduled.  Neither of you plan to go to the Christmas party anyway. 

I think it's fine that you took the reigns and picked a date/time.  Somebody had to do it and it's a place to start.  When the gala popped up or some other conflict arises, I think it's reasonable to work out another time/date within reason.  Sometimes it's impossible to please everyone, which ultimately leaves someone out, and such is life. 

[padua]

as you planned and booked the lunch before the get together was organised, then you, dh & your dad have lunch and if your sisters want to be woe is me about missing either lunch or the party, let them.  you booked first. you have the prior engagement

but she booked after the date was set for the party:

"It is booked on the same day as the annual family Christmas get together, which my Dad, DH and I knew when I booked, but we had decided then that we'd rather have lunch in a nice restaurant anyway. It's much easier for DH and I to get to and we'd avoid the crowds that DH doesn't like. And I thought my sisters knew the date clash too and were ok with it."

she doesn't have the prior engagement. because of this (and because your sisters may not have realized the lunch clashed with the party unless you specifically said to them- "i just wanted you to know the lunch reservation is set on the same day as the party"), i think the OP should reschedule, especially if she already knew the sisters were interested in attending.

[Hmmmmm]

Do I have this right?

Dad said "Let's have lunch on the 21st when your sister's are in town."
Everyone agreed
No one made plans for where or when.
Annual family get together is planned for the 21st.
You, your DH, and your Dad to not plan to attend the family event.
You decide to make reservations for the lunch.
You send out the details to everyone.
Your sister's realize it's the same date as the annual event which they had planned to attend while visiting from out of town.
They asked you change the date.
You, your DH, and your Dad are refusing to change the date.

Now your mad they asked and they are mad you won't.

Honestly, I can understand not wanting to always acquiesce to others demands. But is it really that difficult to switch to a different date? If your schedule is booked with activities or work, then that's just how it is and they can choose to not attend your Dad's lunch. But I would try to come up with some type of compromise or have a discussion other than "you knew that was the date and we ain't changing".

[Roe]

Sorry, I'm with your sisters on this one for reasons other PP's have mentioned. 

[nayberry]

as you planned and booked the lunch before the get together was organised, then you, dh & your dad have lunch and if your sisters want to be woe is me about missing either lunch or the party, let them.  you booked first. you have the prior engagement

but she booked after the date was set for the party:

"It is booked on the same day as the annual family Christmas get together, which my Dad, DH and I knew when I booked, but we had decided then that we'd rather have lunch in a nice restaurant anyway. It's much easier for DH and I to get to and we'd avoid the crowds that DH doesn't like. And I thought my sisters knew the date clash too and were ok with it."

she doesn't have the prior engagement. because of this (and because your sisters may not have realized the lunch clashed with the party unless you specifically said to them- "i just wanted you to know the lunch reservation is set on the same day as the party"), i think the OP should reschedule, especially if she already knew the sisters were interested in attending.

and yet they had agreed to have a smaller get together before the big bash was planned.

[lmyrs]

I get that the date of the big family event was set after the date for the small lunch was set. But, the big family event takes into consideration many, many people while the small lunch takes in 5. If I have plans with my dad and two sisters for lunch on December 28 and then my aunt contacts everyone and says, "December 28 is the extended family Xmas time because it works for the majority", then I'd move lunch if at all possible. Because even if I or my dad didn't want to go to aunt's house, my sisters do and why would I make them choose unless they absolutely have to?

The other thing about saying, "well we booked the 28th first so you can come anyway or go to the family thing but it's not my problem", is that while the OP doesn't care whether or not she sees her sisters, it seems her dad does care. And, it's her dad who will be hurt if no one is willing to compromise on this. So, if he wants to see 2 of his daughters, he had to go to the big family event and then he won't see OP. Or he can dig his heels in with OP and then not see the other 2.

I can understand not wanting to bend over backwards to accommodate the sisters, but I don't know why you can't compromise in order to make your dad's life a bit easier.

[SamiHami]

Is there a reason why the lunch can't be moved to a different day? Is your dad insisting that it must be on that specific date?

[TootsNYC]

Is there a reason why the lunch can't be moved to a different day? Is your dad insisting that it must be on that specific date?

Or a different time of day? Get together for breakfast, or for a light/late supper?

[mime]

Here's my take on the situation--

I imagined several emails passing back and forth following a progression like

"We should get together for lunch somewhere", followed by general agreement, but no action.

Then the big gathering was announced.

Then emails continued with "how about the 21st for lunch?", followed by agreement from Dad and no response from sisters. There may have been an aside conversation with Dad about the date conflict, but OP and Dad were OK with it.

Next emails: "I made reservations at NiceRestaraunt on the 21st at 1:00", followed by no response from sisters.

Later: sisters finally decide to say something.

This is how it played out in my imagination because DH and I are horrible at responding to emails where things are being planned. We fully accept that conflicts that arise because we didn't check our calendar or didn't speak up are entirely our problem to deal with.

I also get the impression that the sisters have a habit of being bossy, so when the conflict is finally realized weeks after the plans are made, they expect everyone to change everything for their sake.

In my mind (framed in my own interpretation of the story), I don't think things need to change for the sisters. It would be nice to do so, but not rude to stick with the original plan. I'd probably do what you (OP) suggest at the end of your post: just cancel the lunch. You and Dad will still see each other on Christmas which is not far away, you don't really care to see the extended family, and you don't have to engage with your stressors... uh, I mean, sisters.

I think your sisters have been in the wrong in the past. This situation appears to be a little less unanimous given the postings so far. I think you're ready to get upset by your sisters for everything right now-- like you're reaching your breaking point. I think you and DH and baby should enjoy your time alone together, enjoy Christmas with Dad, and deal with your sisters when after you've had a bit more time apart from them.

[Deetee]

You specifically picked a date that excluded your sisters or forced them to pick between two events, when you knew they would likely want to attend both.

You stated very clearly that your preferences for this (as far as you have posted) fairly arbitrary date overtook any consideration to let them attend both event. Now that is not a bad thing. But you need to own it and not do any waffling about how "no-one was organizing" or "husband doesn't like crowds". You picked a date that you knew would not work for them because you are tired of them interfering in your life.

So stop arguing with them or trying to pretend you didn't do that. Shrug your shoulders and tell them they are free to orgainise whatever they want.

[Katana_Geldar]

Just a note on the date, this was all agreed on before the family event was scheduled. And the way it appears, it doesn't look like we can reschedule. DH and I have theatre tickets the night before, this has been known for months and that date was out. My dad suggested that we all go to lunch and that he would take them to the family thing after, but it looks as if they're travelling that night up to my mums.

Postponement was never suggested, or even another date when I could see them. They just want to cancel the whole thing. I've thought about trying to see them at another date, perhaps after Christmas, but the whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth and they haven't suggested anything either.

[Lauds]

See, my take on what happened, from the various OP posts is:

Dad: let's all have lunch on the 21st
All sisters (including OP): okay
No one books anything, but everyone agrees that the lunch is on the 21st and talk continues for months

Big family event date is announced

OP decides that someone needs to book the original lunch and does it on the already agreed date, not bothered about the clash
OP let's dad and sisters know about booking
No one says anything about clash so OP assumes they don't mind

Sisters finally realise clash and demand lunch be cancelled
From here I'm not sure if the OP suggested different dates which were rejected by sisters or not, but it doesn't sound like the sisters suggested doing anything other than cancelling the long planned but recently finalised lunch.

Given that the lunch was agreed to months before the family event was announced, that was the prior engagement even though the final details were arranged afterwards. Sure, the OP could have checked with everyone if they still wanted to do lunch that day before booking a restaurant but the sisters could have suggested changing the date of the lunch when the family event was announced or have spoken up when advised of the booking. I can't really blame the OP for assuming the lunch was still happening and just needed a venue when no one else said anything about changing it.

My suggestion would be the OP, her DH, and her father go have lunch as planned and let the sisters go to the family event. I think they'll find it much more pleasant than the original plan given the background!

[EllenS]

As a mom of 2, I have no specific insight on this scenario, but general principles:

1) A pregnant woman/new mom needs to reduce her stress. This is a big priority for your health, the baby's health, and the relationship with your DH.  If that means distance from people who create stress and drama, so be it, at least temporarily.

2) A pregnant woman/new mom is hopped up on umpty-seven different mind-altering hormones, which drive her to protect her baby from sabre-toothed tigers.  As a result, she tends to see every situation as being up a tree, surrounded by sabre-toothed tigers.  This may or may not be an accurate reflection of reality.

Major life decisions and dramatic gestures that can permanently affect important relationships, should be avoided as much as possible during pregnancy and the first several months of baby's life. This has the added benefit of helping with point no.1 (reducing your stress).

Hugs and wishing the best for your family.