Author Topic: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99  (Read 23713 times)

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Queen of Clubs

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #30 on: December 10, 2013, 04:47:25 PM »
Just a note on the date, this was all agreed on before the family event was scheduled. And the way it appears, it doesn't look like we can reschedule. DH and I have theatre tickets the night before, this has been known for months and that date was out. My dad suggested that we all go to lunch and that he would take them to the family thing after, but it looks as if they're travelling that night up to my mums.

Postponement was never suggested, or even another date when I could see them. They just want to cancel the whole thing. I've thought about trying to see them at another date, perhaps after Christmas, but the whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth and they haven't suggested anything either.

I'd go ahead with the lunch with your dad and husband and let your sisters do whatever they want.  They can't insist that you three not meet for lunch.  If they'd rather attend the big family get together, that's their choice.

If they want to meet up with you at some point, leave it to them to suggest a date to meet.  If you're not interested in meeting with them, decline whatever dates they suggest.

Maybe you'll feel better about your relationship with your sisters if you step back for a while and take a break from them.  Maybe you won't feel better (especially if they keep annoying you), but it sounds like taking a break from them is what you need.

Mergatroyd

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #31 on: December 10, 2013, 05:12:26 PM »
If my understanding is correct (and i did read the whole thread) then this is what went down:

Summer/ early fall:
Dad says "let's do lunch at christmas!"
Everyone else, "Sure!"
Conversation ensues, the date is specified, but reservations are not made.

Another month or two goes by:
OP:" Are we still doing lunch on set date?"
Everyone else: "Yes!"
OP: "Has anyone made a reservation, or have a restaurant in mind?"
Everyone else: *silence*


Recently:
Op looks at the calendar, realises set date is approaching, confirms date is still ok (affirmative from dad, silence from sisters), and knowing that reservations are booking up fast, calls and arranges a table for 5 at X restaurant on set day for lunch.
Op sends out notice that lunch is at X restaurant, reservation at Y time (probably 12:30 or 1?)
Dad replies "Great!"
Sisters say, "Oh, we just found out big family that dad doesn't associate with is on the same day. Let's cancel lunch and all go to that instead!"
OP says "We weren't planning on attending that."
Dad says "me either. But I will go with sisters after lunch if they need a ride."
Sisters say "No, no lunch, just big family do."

Now: to cancel or not to cancel. OP, I would ask your Dad.
"Dad, we aren't going to make it to big family do. We'd love to still have lunch on set day, but as we'll see you on christmas day, we'll understand if you want to cancel the lunch and just attend the big family do with sisters because of their schedule."

In my mind, he is the one that matters here. You don't really seem to care if you see the sisters or not (for which I don't blame you given the backstory) but given they ate going from big family do straight to Ma and stepdad's that may be the only time your Dad gets to see them during the holidays. He probably well knows that he won't get to visit them much at big family do, but it is what it is, and it should be his choice.
You and your DH have already decided not to attend big family do, I don't see why you would be expected to change that. In my mind, the only thing you have to decide is if you and DH are going to go for lunch by yourselves or stay home if your dad wants to cancel.


 

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #32 on: December 10, 2013, 05:27:30 PM »
My Dad doesn't want to cancel, he's still trying to get them to come to the lunch but I don't think he'll succeed.

TootsNYC

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #33 on: December 10, 2013, 05:33:07 PM »
You know, some of this (them being upset; him being bummed that they won't come) is on your dad. Leave it with him. Put it down, walk away.  ;) Let him handle it all.
   "I love you, Dad, here's when I'm available. I'll come if I can. Let me know."

Mergatroyd

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #34 on: December 10, 2013, 05:38:08 PM »
My Dad doesn't want to cancel, he's still trying to get them to come to the lunch but I don't think he'll succeed.
Don't worry about it then. Tell him you'll be at the restaurant. He can have lunch with you. If they don't show up, that's on them. He has chosen lunch, and so have you. Have fun.:)

Oh Joy

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #35 on: December 10, 2013, 05:38:52 PM »
My Dad doesn't want to cancel, he's still trying to get them to come to the lunch but I don't think he'll succeed.

That's the part I don't quite understand.

The smaller family event was scheduled, then the larger event - to which everyone in the smaller group is invited - for the same time.  In my perfect world, the folks in the smaller group would ask each other if there were preferences for attending one or the other, and rescheduling the smaller event if families were leaning in different directions. 

I think the misstep is in any family member attempting to force their own personal choice on the others.  Why the push/pull/conflict?

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #36 on: December 10, 2013, 09:43:21 PM »
Just a note on the date, this was all agreed on before the family event was scheduled. And the way it appears, it doesn't look like we can reschedule. DH and I have theatre tickets the night before, this has been known for months and that date was out. My dad suggested that we all go to lunch and that he would take them to the family thing after, but it looks as if they're travelling that night up to my mums.

Postponement was never suggested, or even another date when I could see them. They just want to cancel the whole thing. I've thought about trying to see them at another date, perhaps after Christmas, but the whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth and they haven't suggested anything either.

OP, would your dad be willing to meet for breakfast or brunch instead? That might give your sisters enough time to see your dad, travel to the family event, then travel to your mum's place.

Aluminum

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #37 on: December 10, 2013, 11:27:13 PM »
Quote
DH and Baby are my family now. They are just relatives.


I have to say that to hear my sister refer to me as "not family, just a relative"? Would be absolutely gutting. GUTTING.  I think I get the gist, but wow--this phrasing would honestly break my heart. 


(edited due to quote-borking, then managed to double-post, then deleted the wrong one.  It was a mess of poor posting!)
« Last Edit: December 10, 2013, 11:30:35 PM by Aluminum »

PastryGoddess

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #38 on: December 10, 2013, 11:36:15 PM »
I posted this on another thread, but my family has started a new tradition.  2 of my male cousins who just brought a house host a Christmas breakfast/brunch/lunch/supper.  It starts early around 7am to accomodate the family members who go to church.  We make enough food for them to eat before heading out.  Those of us who don't go to church begin to pour wine/champagne/mimosas/etc and eat a leisurely breakfast.  Some folks head to the basement, others watch a bit of TV, the radio comes on, card games come out and we veg. Right around lunchtime, the church folks come back.  More people show up, this time with lunchy stuff.  More eating, more drinking, more vegging around with family.  Around mid afternoon folks start heading home to eat xmas dinner with their families.  Everyone is gone by about 7pm or so.

No more rushing around on Xmas to get here and there to visit and cook and eat.  People do their thing on xmas and then come and join us when they are ready. 

I'm not saying the above is what you have to do, but maybe take away the formality of having "lunch" and just invite dad and sisters over to hang out until it's time for them to leave.  Tell them to stop by at a time that works best for you and doesn't have them there for too long getting on your nerves.  This may not work if you are working on a Doctorate in Professional Holiday Vegging, and they are working on a Master's in !!eleventyIcan'tSitStill :)

Jones

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #39 on: December 11, 2013, 08:16:51 AM »
Quote
DH and Baby are my family now. They are just relatives.


I have to say that to hear my sister refer to me as "not family, just a relative"? Would be absolutely gutting. GUTTING.  I think I get the gist, but wow--this phrasing would honestly break my heart. 


(edited due to quote-borking, then managed to double-post, then deleted the wrong one.  It was a mess of poor posting!)

See, I was thinking it was perfect phrasing for the phenomenon that has occurred in my family. I have two brothers and one sister with whom we stay in touch and see regularly; the others are great FB friends and it's nice to see them at baptisms, Easter, Independence Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas; I could say the same about my cousins.

Magnet

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #40 on: December 11, 2013, 08:37:01 AM »
Quote
DH and Baby are my family now. They are just relatives.


I have to say that to hear my sister refer to me as "not family, just a relative"? Would be absolutely gutting. GUTTING.  I think I get the gist, but wow--this phrasing would honestly break my heart. 


(edited due to quote-borking, then managed to double-post, then deleted the wrong one.  It was a mess of poor posting!)

Thank you for saying that.  I too find the "just a relative" statement demeaning.

esposita

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #41 on: December 11, 2013, 08:48:48 AM »
Quote
DH and Baby are my family now. They are just relatives.


I have to say that to hear my sister refer to me as "not family, just a relative"? Would be absolutely gutting. GUTTING.  I think I get the gist, but wow--this phrasing would honestly break my heart. 


(edited due to quote-borking, then managed to double-post, then deleted the wrong one.  It was a mess of poor posting!)

Thank you for saying that.  I too find the "just a relative" statement demeaning.

Perhaps it is demeaning when applied to families in general. But when an individual has a FOO with a different set of values, or constantly stirs up drama; when there are differences that will not reconcile, you have to take a step back for the sake your spouse and children - your family. And this means that others become "relatives." It can be a very appropriate and healthy transition, though I think we could all agree that its sad when things go that way.

edited because i said "husband" instead of kids... :P
« Last Edit: December 11, 2013, 10:57:09 AM by esposita »

ladyknight1

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #42 on: December 11, 2013, 10:00:06 AM »
OP, I think you should continue with the plans to have lunch with your dad.

I completely understand the relative, not family relationship. I have one sister and two cousins that are family to me. I have people on DH's side that are family to me. I have a sister and extended family that are just relatives. It has to go both ways, and when one person is trying to maintain the relationship but the other side is not? That is what happens.

Roe

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #43 on: December 11, 2013, 11:44:12 AM »
I still don't understand why the OP, her sisters and her dad can't meet for breakfast.  Did I miss something?  That way, the sisters can go to the family event as well.  OP and her dad can stay home if they prefer but at least that way everyone wins. 

Mergatroyd

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #44 on: December 11, 2013, 01:04:03 PM »
It sounds like the sisters don't want to meet at all. OP has said that they want to cancel the entire thing.  I would take that to mean that they have no intention of seeing OP or Dad at all, since they know they won't be at the big do. Sure, breakfast would be easy enough, but if they don't wanna, they don't wanna.