Author Topic: Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99  (Read 24626 times)

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Eeep!

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #45 on: December 11, 2013, 01:13:31 PM »
It sounds like the sisters don't want to meet at all. OP has said that they want to cancel the entire thing.  I would take that to mean that they have no intention of seeing OP or Dad at all, since they know they won't be at the big do. Sure, breakfast would be easy enough, but if they don't wanna, they don't wanna.

This was my impression too. The sisters have made no indication that they want to try to work anything out. They just jumped right to cancel.  If I was the OP that would clearly show me where I stood with them and I would make my decisions accordingly.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

PastryGoddess

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #46 on: December 11, 2013, 01:56:05 PM »
And maybe that's why they are "relatives" and not "family" to the OP any longer

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #47 on: December 11, 2013, 03:35:54 PM »
And breakfast or brunch wouldn't work either. DH and I have theatre tickets the night before, we don't want an early morning. The family thing starts at 11 and there's travel time, so they'd have to leave early.

And yes, there's the fact that they haven't suggested anything else.

Roe

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #48 on: December 11, 2013, 04:36:15 PM »
And breakfast or brunch wouldn't work either. DH and I have theatre tickets the night before, we don't want an early morning. The family thing starts at 11 and there's travel time, so they'd have to leave early.

So no breakfast meeting because it doesn't work for you and your DH.  Okay, I get it.  I think they got the message too.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #49 on: December 11, 2013, 05:41:13 PM »
The idea of a breakfast has never even come up. I think they want to go out the night before too.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #50 on: December 11, 2013, 05:46:03 PM »
So now I'm wondering why are you having this get together if  you're going to see dad on Christmas anyway?  I think there is middle ground between having two family events at the same time and not having an event at all. 

If the goal is to get together and spend time together as a family, why not take the stress of the holidays out of the equation and plan something for after the new year, but before you get too caught up in getting ready for baby

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #51 on: December 11, 2013, 05:53:40 PM »
Because they're coming from interstate, and heading back soon after Christmas. You do have a point about the event and I am considering telling my Dad we call the whole thing off and we'll see him at Christmas.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #52 on: December 11, 2013, 06:10:07 PM »
Quote
DH and Baby are my family now. They are just relatives.


I have to say that to hear my sister refer to me as "not family, just a relative"? Would be absolutely gutting. GUTTING.  I think I get the gist, but wow--this phrasing would honestly break my heart. 


(edited due to quote-borking, then managed to double-post, then deleted the wrong one.  It was a mess of poor posting!)

Thank you for saying that.  I too find the "just a relative" statement demeaning.

Perhaps it is demeaning when applied to families in general. But when an individual has a FOO with a different set of values, or constantly stirs up drama; when there are differences that will not reconcile, you have to take a step back for the sake your spouse and children - your family. And this means that others become "relatives." It can be a very appropriate and healthy transition, though I think we could all agree that its sad when things go that way.

edited because i said "husband" instead of kids... :P

I can absolutely understand the "Not family, just relatives" sentiment as I have a few of those. People I will acknowledge as being part of my FOO but I don't have a good relationship with them, or no relationship, so they are relatives but as far as family goes, in my heart, that includes DH, my 3 boys, my in-laws, and extremely close friends.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #53 on: December 13, 2013, 01:45:03 AM »
Update: received a text message from younger sister asking if I was going to the family Christmas lunch.

Not really sure how to respond or even if I should, as it might start the whole thing again.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) mini update 53
« Reply #54 on: December 13, 2013, 07:34:49 AM »
Just respond no.  You don't owe her an explanation about why you won't be there. 

Remember, you just need to live your boundaries.  No need to state them out loud, it just makes people think they can start a conversation with you about them.

Oh Joy

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #55 on: December 13, 2013, 07:43:00 AM »
Update: received a text message from younger sister asking if I was going to the family Christmas lunch.

Not really sure how to respond or even if I should, as it might start the whole thing again.

Can you just say, 'We'll be at Restaurant that afternoon...BigEvent isn't really our thing.  Hope to see you, but I understand if you choose BigEvent.  Safe travels either way!'

TootsNYC

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #56 on: December 13, 2013, 07:58:03 AM »
Update: received a text message from younger sister asking if I was going to the family Christmas lunch.

Not really sure how to respond or even if I should, as it might start the whole thing again.

Can you just say, 'We'll be at Restaurant that afternoon...BigEvent isn't really our thing.  Hope to see you, but I understand if you choose BigEvent.  Safe travels either way!'


Eh, just say, "No." That's simple, right? She asked a specific question. Just answer -that- question.

Drama and miscommunication come when you try to answer some other question that hasn't actually been asked. In Oh Joy's case (just bcs that's the easiest example to borrow), that wording is answering the question, "will you mind if we skip the lunch?"

Maybe she doesn't ever intend to ask that other question (whichever "other" question).

Just say, "No."   Or to soften it (bcs all by itself that seems abrupt, which seems harsh), "No, not this year."  or "No, not this year, unfortunately."

If you were at all willing to reconsider, say, "No, hadn't planned on it."

Oh Joy

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long)
« Reply #57 on: December 13, 2013, 08:07:30 AM »
Update: received a text message from younger sister asking if I was going to the family Christmas lunch.

Not really sure how to respond or even if I should, as it might start the whole thing again.

Can you just say, 'We'll be at Restaurant that afternoon...BigEvent isn't really our thing.  Hope to see you, but I understand if you choose BigEvent.  Safe travels either way!'


Eh, just say, "No." That's simple, right? She asked a specific question. Just answer -that- question.

Drama and miscommunication come when you try to answer some other question that hasn't actually been asked. In Oh Joy's case (just bcs that's the easiest example to borrow), that wording is answering the question, "will you mind if we skip the lunch?"

Maybe she doesn't ever intend to ask that other question (whichever "other" question).

Just say, "No."   Or to soften it (bcs all by itself that seems abrupt, which seems harsh), "No, not this year."  or "No, not this year, unfortunately."

If you were at all willing to reconsider, say, "No, hadn't planned on it."

I completely hear what you're saying, and agree that just saying 'No' is abrupt.  I'd just personally approach it with a tone of 'We're going to do what we want.  You're going to do what you want.  But I'm not going to play any drama games.'

TootsNYC

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) mini update 53
« Reply #58 on: December 13, 2013, 08:25:55 AM »
I so agree with you on the idea that Katana_Gelder should just do what she wants.

But I think that expanding into other topics ("do you mind if I don't come?") that haven't actually formally been raised is a form of anticipating other people's conversation, and I don't think it's a smart tactic in a situation like this.

And in fact, in -this- conversation, there hasn't been any drama, so anticipating it and trying to send a message that you're not going to participate in it, is borderline rude--don't assume drama or rudeness on [my] part until [ I ]'ve actually done it, thank you [brackets to indicate, I mean a generic person]. I personally, as me, have had that done to me, and it takes me from non-drama to the edge of drama--instead of focusing on the pure facts ("are you going to the family lunch?") suddenly we're talking about whether I'm going to be upset--and I wasn't even upset in the first place. So, well, I'll -become- upset if you want me to!

The OP doesn't know why her sister is asking. Maybe once she hears "no, unfort." she'll think, 'Hmm, well, I guess I'd better go to Dad's lunch after all.' Why derail that? Sure, it might not happen, but give her the room to either be rude or not be rude.

So if a person wants to soften, which you and I both think is more comfortable, I think it's best to soften with blather ("unfortunately") instead of by bringing in some other actual issue ("do you mind" or something else).
« Last Edit: December 13, 2013, 08:41:25 AM by TootsNYC »

ladyknight1

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Re: Just about had enough... (Long) mini update 53
« Reply #59 on: December 13, 2013, 08:33:06 AM »
I POD Toots, as usual.

A simple answer to the question asked is best. You don't want to open up any more misunderstanding than has already occurred.

I hope things work out for all of you. Happy Holidays.