Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99

[Mergatroyd]

  "That won't be possible"

[esposita]

I so agree with you on the idea that Katana_Gelder should just do what she wants.

But I think that expanding into other topics ("do you mind if I don't come?") that haven't actually formally been raised is a form of anticipating other people's conversation, and I don't think it's a smart tactic in a situation like this.

And in fact, in -this- conversation, there hasn't been any drama, so anticipating it and trying to send a message that you're not going to participate in it, is borderline rude--don't assume drama or rudeness on [my] part until [ I ]'ve actually done it, thank you [brackets to indicate, I mean a generic person]. I personally, as me, have had that done to me, and it takes me from non-drama to the edge of drama--instead of focusing on the pure facts ("are you going to the family lunch?") suddenly we're talking about whether I'm going to be upset--and I wasn't even upset in the first place. So, well, I'll -become- upset if you want me to!

The OP doesn't know why her sister is asking. Maybe once she hears "no, unfort." she'll think, 'Hmm, well, I guess I'd better go to Dad's lunch after all.' Why derail that? Sure, it might not happen, but give her the room to either be rude or not be rude.

So if a person wants to soften, which you and I both think is more comfortable, I think it's best to soften with blather ("unfortunately") instead of by bringing in some other actual issue ("do you mind" or something else).

Pod! I've had this done to me too, and either I'm clueless and don't take the bait which makes the other person even more mad or I get very quiet... as I try to figure out what the heck is going on... which just makes the other person think they've "won" and its a whole big mess. . . lol, sorry for the tangent!

[Katana_Geldar]

Well, I have gotten back to them saying we were going to the lunch, and they've responded with trying to meet up either that night or the day before.

I'd like to, but from the nature of their messages it looks as if they've "moved on" from what happened and expect me to do so as well. And that's what's happened before, until the next drama. I don't want to get drawn back in to the same pattern of behaviour, which is what I'm afraid will happen if I do see them. I have left it open, saying that I do get tired easily from the pregnancy (very true) and we are going out that night, but a part of me wants to see them too.

However, it has taken all this time to realise this is the same pattern of behaviour I experienced with my mum and stepdad that I refused to have anything to do with two years ago, and I'm a much happier person for refusing to participate.

[JoyinVirginia]

You have perfect response! You are very tired, and so you don't wasn't to plan too many things because you may not have energy. So just respond that you can't commit to anything else at this point. When it gets closer, you can see how you feel then and take on another activity if you want.

[TootsNYC]

they've "moved on" from what happened and expect me to do so as well.

So, do so then. It will be healthiest for you:

I'm a much happier person for refusing to participate.

The hardest trick, I think, is to un-invest. I finally managed to do it w/ my brother. Oh, I'd still enjoy his compay when he was around; I'd juggle my schedule to see him when we are all at my parents', but I don't -care- so much anymore.

I wish you luck w/ your sisters.

[Katana_Geldar]

I don't mind moving on, what I do mind is being told to move on and forgive and forget about past hurts there haven't been, nor will their be, apologies for. That's what they mean by"moving on".

[ladyknight1]

That is tough, and I completely understand. I hope you have a wonderful holiday no matter what.

[Lynn2000]

It is really hard--yet also really important--to recognize patterns of behavior in our lives. I think that's a really big step. The next step is figuring out how to change that pattern, which is also sometimes difficult because all you know is you shouldn't do X, but you aren't sure what other options there are.

Re: apologies--that's frustrating and hurtful, yes. But I think if one sits around hoping others will realize they ought to apologize, while allowing them to experience no negative consequences for their behavior, that's a fruitless endeavor. I would suggest, instead, reducing their opportunities to do things to you that you think they should apologize for. Whether that's reducing contact with them, or reducing the amount of head space you give their comments. Sometimes I think we just have to lower our expectations of people, to avoid being continually hurt by them.

[TinyVulgarUnicorn]

Maybe I missed it somewhere in this thread, but how come your sisters can't meet up with your dad on one of the days that your sisters mentioned?  I know that you have plans, but maybe suggest to them that they should meet up with him sans you.

[Katana_Geldar]

They're staying with him. Presumably, they'll be seeing him.

[DavidH]

"Now, my Dad wanted to have a lunch or dinner with all of us before Christmas while my sisters are visiting from interstate. This we have been planning for months, and it wasn't until last month that I did something about it ... It is booked on the same day as the annual family Christmas get together, which my Dad, DH and I knew when I booked, ... I thought my sisters knew the date clash too and were ok with it.

Last week, both my sisters realised the family Christmas thing was the same day and suggested ... that we should go to that instead."

So you booked the lunch on the same day as the annual Christmas get together, fully knowing what you were doing and are then surprised it caused a conflict?  Of course it caused one.  The best way to avoid the drama would have been to have booked on a different day, or failing that to be flexible and suggest solutions.  Some solutions would be, more to a breakfast, move to lunch the day before, move to breakfast the day before, or cancel lunch and go to the big Christmas family event.

It is the height of disingenuous to play victim of the drama that you caused. You can try to justify, we had discussed a date before and all that, but if you didn't want to force the issue, you would have told them that the dates conflicted and were you still on for that since you were going to book the reservation.

[ladyknight1]

The plans with their family pre-existed the large gathering.

I think you were harsh to the OP.

[Deetee]

The plans with their family pre-existed the large gathering.

I think you were harsh to the OP.

Nope, the date of the lunch was set knowing that it conflicted with the large gathering. (The idea for a lunch posted the large gathering)

[Katana_Geldar]

No, it did not. The date for the lunch was decided before the family gathering even came up. When it did we just decided to go ahead with our original plan.

[Oh Joy]

No, it did not. The date for the lunch was decided before the family gathering even came up. When it did we just decided to go ahead with our original plan.

I ask this in the most open way: who was the 'we' who decided, and what was the expectation for anyone not involved in the decision who felt otherwise?