Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99

[JoyinVirginia]

There is another part of this, if I an reading correctly. Op and her dh want small gathering with op father and her sisters. Small gathering planned. Then larger gathering with extended family planned. Sisters say they will go to large gathering and expect to see op and her dh there. Sisters are not interested in rescheduling small gathering.
So only time op sisters are interested in seeing her is at large gathering with lots of family. So that is what is hurtful. Sisters are not interested in spending any time just with op and her dh.
It's like sisters saying, we have list of people to see, that includes op, if we go to one big gathering we can check off entire list and not make effort to see op individually.
I can understand why that would hurt feelings. Esp based on history that op alludes to.

[Deetee]

No, it did not. The date for the lunch was decided before the family gathering even came up. When it did we just decided to go ahead with our original plan.

This is the part from the original post that led to me to believe that that the the date of the lunch was set knowing that it conflicted with the large gathering. (The idea for a lunch predated the large gathering)

It is booked on the same day as the annual family Christmas get together, which my Dad, DH and I knew when I booked, but we had decided then that we'd rather have lunch in a nice restaurant anyway.

[citadelle]

There is another part of this, if I an reading correctly. Op and her dh want small gathering with op father and her sisters. Small gathering planned. Then larger gathering with extended family planned. Sisters say they will go to large gathering and expect to see op and her dh there. Sisters are not interested in rescheduling small gathering.
So only time op sisters are interested in seeing her is at large gathering with lots of family. So that is what is hurtful. Sisters are not interested in spending any time just with op and her dh.
It's like sisters saying, we have list of people to see, that includes op, if we go to one big gathering we can check off entire list and not make effort to see op individually.
I can understand why that would hurt feelings. Esp based on history that op alludes to.

The way I read the update is that sisters are trying to reschedule the smaller gathering. So, it seems that they do want to see OP individually. Unless I am confused! It happens! 

[Tea Drinker]

No, it did not. The date for the lunch was decided before the family gathering even came up. When it did we just decided to go ahead with our original plan.

This is the part from the original post that led to me to believe that that the the date of the lunch was set knowing that it conflicted with the large gathering. (The idea for a lunch predated the large gathering)

It is booked on the same day as the annual family Christmas get together, which my Dad, DH and I knew when I booked, but we had decided then that we'd rather have lunch in a nice restaurant anyway.

I read that sequence as:

First, Katana_Geldar and her husband and father set a date for a cozy lunch together.

Second, someone else (not consulting her) decided to hold the family gathering on the same date.

Third, Katana_Geldar et al. made reservations at a specific restaurant for lunch that day, keeping it on the same date they had already chosen, rather than rescheduling.

If I read this right, I think it falls under not being expected to reschedule an existing plan. "Let's have lunch together on the 22nd" is a plan even if it doesn't specify "we will meet at 12:15 at House of Wonderful Food" rather than at noon or 1 at Best Chinese or Famous Italian.

[gramma dishes]

It sounded to me like Dad wasn't particularly interested in attending the huge family gathering himself, much preferring the smaller lunch with his daughters.

If I didn't read or understand that incorrectly, I'd just go ahead with our lunch plans and let the sisters decide which they'd rather participate in, or maybe they could figure out a way to do both.  But I'd say "This is what we're going to do" and then let them decide for themselves what they're going to do.

[Katana_Geldar]

This was the entire group, myself, DH, my dad and my sisters. We decided to go to lunch on that day. Then my Dad told me (I thought all of us) about the family event, me, DH and my Dad had already decided we weren't going. Then I booked, as no one else had, then my sisters wanted to cancel the whole thing.

People are acting as if the family thing is mandatory to go to: it's not. My Dad doesn't expect us to go to these things all the time, particularly when in the past most of his family didn't make any effort to see us. My sisters know this. And what no one realises, except my Dad, how terribly inconvenient it is for DH and myself to get over there. It's a three hour journey by public transport each way as we don't have a car. We have made that journey twice together, once for family Christmas two years ago and once for my cousins 21st, but it really is a drag to get there if we wanted to go.

And they weren't interested in trying to reschedule, at least not at first, they just wanted us to go to the family event instead which the rest of us had decided we weren't going to.

[citadelle]

This was the entire group, myself, DH, my dad and my sisters. We decided to go to lunch on that day. Then my Dad told me (I thought all of us) about the family event, me, DH and my Dad had already decided we weren't going. Then I booked, as no one else had, then my sisters wanted to cancel the whole thing.

People are acting as if the family thing is mandatory to go to: it's not. My Dad doesn't expect us to go to these things all the time, particularly when in the past most of his family didn't make any effort to see us. My sisters know this. And what no one realises, except my Dad, how terribly inconvenient it is for DH and myself to get over there. It's a three hour journey by public transport each way as we don't have a car. We have made that journey twice together, once for family Christmas two years ago and once for my cousins 21st, but it really is a drag to get there if we wanted to go.

And they weren't interested in trying to reschedule, at least not at first, they just wanted us to go to the family event instead which the rest of us had decided we weren't going to.

Just to be clear, though: they do want to reschedule now, according to your previous update?

[Katana_Geldar]

No, they don't. They want to see me while they are in town. It's slightly different.

I'm still not sure if I want to see them or even if I can make it work if I do.

[JoyinVirginia]

A three hour trip each way during the holidays, while you are pregnant and easily tired, to see extended family, that has never gone out of their way to see you? 
it seems obvious that you would not be interested in traveling.
Perhaps your father can point out the difficulty of getting to larger gathering to your sisters.
Just relax and do something you enjoy, and send your sisters a card.

[LifeOnPluto]

No, they don't. They want to see me while they are in town. It's slightly different.

I'm still not sure if I want to see them or even if I can make it work if I do.

It sounds like your sisters do want to see you, but they expect you to make all the effort. Is that right?

If so, I'd be annoyed at such a one-sided arrangement. Given your current condition, I think you're fine in not attending the big family party (or making any other extra-special effort).

I guess you could try putting the ball in their court. Tell them "I'll be at home all day on

• dates if you want to catch up. You can catch the Number 123 bus from the city to my house. It would be lovely to see you."

[TootsNYC]

Then again, if my siblings are in town and I'm local, I would expect to be the one who bent a little bit to make it happen. Within reason, of course. But I figure, my siblings have to travel a long way to get to the area, which takes a lot of time and money; I can inconvenience myself a little bit, give up something I kinda wanted to do, in order to see them.

And to me it doesn't matter in the least who moved away. It matters who traveled this weekend.

[*inviteseller]

TBH..it doesn't sound like OP wants to see her sisters anyways as she doesn't have a good relationship with them, but I would not have scheduled the planned family lunch on that date once I found out it conflicted with the big family gathering unless I knew everyone for the lunch was uninterested in the big family thing.  It is completely understandable why OP doesn't want to go due to the travel and she is also not close with these people, but some consideration should have been taken for the sisters as they are only in for a small time and want to see everyone.  I personally think everyone is making this harder than it has to be and I am not sensing there has been open communication between OP and her sisters,  All this drama could have been avoided if OP (or her dad) had asked the sisters ahead of time if they minded that they wanted to schedule their event the same day so sisters could say "well, we understand that the traveling is difficult for you but we do want to go, can we try x date at this time for our gathering?" but due to dysfunction it is now a big drama fest with poor dad caught in the middle.  Someone here needs to step up and be the cooler head and make this work, or just give it up and seethe because sisters want to do the family thing.  Yes, OP, your DH is your family now, but your dad and sisters are more than just relatives and a possible olive branch being extended may make everyones life easier, and if they refuse it, at least you know you tried.

[Roe]

TBH..it doesn't sound like OP wants to see her sisters anyways as she doesn't have a good relationship with them, but I would not have scheduled the planned family lunch on that date once I found out it conflicted with the big family gathering unless I knew everyone for the lunch was uninterested in the big family thing.  It is completely understandable why OP doesn't want to go due to the travel and she is also not close with these people, but some consideration should have been taken for the sisters as they are only in for a small time and want to see everyone.  I personally think everyone is making this harder than it has to be and I am not sensing there has been open communication between OP and her sisters,  All this drama could have been avoided if OP (or her dad) had asked the sisters ahead of time if they minded that they wanted to schedule their event the same day so sisters could say "well, we understand that the traveling is difficult for you but we do want to go, can we try x date at this time for our gathering?" but due to dysfunction it is now a big drama fest with poor dad caught in the middle.  Someone here needs to step up and be the cooler head and make this work, or just give it up and seethe because sisters want to do the family thing.  Yes, OP, your DH is your family now, but your dad and sisters are more than just relatives and a possible olive branch being extended may make everyones life easier, and if they refuse it, at least you know you tried.

Yep.  It also sounds as if OP and her sisters are digging in their heels and not wanting to compromise.

[Minmom3]

There were family repercussions for a few years when I missed a wedding because I was 8 months along, and the Dr had said to not travel more than an hour from home, and the wedding was a full day's drive away.  I was 8 months along, I was feeling huge and ungainly (although not sick) and I didn't WANT to travel hours and hours.  I think I called the bride and told her I was really sorry, but I can't make your wedding, and told her why.  Her sister was offended, but the bride was not, because she understood.

All family drama aside, it's not fun to travel when you're 8 months along.  It's hard to get IN a car, it's ungainly to walk, the body is not very comfortable, (I never had to navigate a bus while pregnant, and doubt I would have loved the experience) and you can't do much for very long.  I think the OP deserves the benefit of the doubt here in not being willing to do all the travel to see her sisters.  I think if I were in her shoes, I'd do much the same - I'd hunker down and not move.  I'd say sorry, but I'm not doing that, and I'd mean it very sincerely.  The list of things I was willing and able to do when near the end of a pregnancy wasn't super long, and travel was not on it, nor was going out of my way to accommodate non-pregnant people who didn't go out of their way for me at other times...

[TootsNYC]

I don't think anyone has said she should travel.

I think I'm starting to feel that the biggest problem is not the logistics, but the resentment. Oh, well, it may not work out this year. Don't make it into something bigger.